Disclaimer: I've got a love-ely bunch of coconuts (deedely dee)
There they are a-standing in a row (bom bom bom)
Big ones, small ones, one the size of your head…
But notice Peter Jackson that I didn't say Lord of the Rings so leave me alone and…::cough:: I mean…hello ma baby! Hello ma honey…
Author's Note: This chapter is based on the GREAT idea Reikon gave me. *applause* Yaaaaaaaaay…now you get a sticker and a solid milk chocolate life-size statue of Legolas! *thinks* I need to get me one of those…anyhow, I encourage you to show your thanks by reviewing her fic, "Oceans of Grey", the long-awaited sequel to "Fancy" (if you didn't read the latter, I highly recommend it…then read the sequel! They're both on my fave stories list.) Anyhow, hugs and chocolate bars to my readers—I beat my old record thing for reviews (142…but they're taking music groups off…oh well, I don't care anyway)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter Nineteen
(dedicated to Reikon…thanks for the idea!!)
The next morning I woke early. I gratefully noted that I was not suggestively wrapped around Legolas, Aragorn, or anyone else. I sighed happily, wrapping my cloak around my shoulders as my cheeks turned a deep hue of crimson as I recalled the events from the night before. A damp earthy smell assaulted my nostrils as I inhaled the morning breeze. The rain had ceased sometime during the night, leaving the earth to soak in its life-giving water. The early morning light shone brightly through the clouds that still covered the sky. It was still rather cold out, but not to the extreme that it was earlier. Happy and rejuvenated, I slipped my tunic on over my shirt and laced up my boots. The water had almost completely evaporated from the latter, leaving me in a good mood with a tunic that actually smelled fresh for a change.
I busied myself with packing up my other clothes that were still too damp to wear as the Fellowship peacefully slept on, caught up in their own dreams. I quickly found myself with nothing else to do, and incredibly bored. I thought about starting breakfast, but I realized that Aragorn would probably have a cow because I had not consulted him beforehand. I had found, through past experiences that Aragorn liked things under control, as he tended to be extremely cautious. Boromir usually took Aragorn's side in most situations, which usually meant I would receive a scolding from both of them. The hobbits remained neutral more often than not, in hope that they would not do injury to someone else's feelings. Legolas normally remained impassive if the situation was not incredibly serious. But his hearing was too sensitive for me to do anything that would go unnoticed by him anyway. And Gimli would complain about me any chance he got, so there wasn't much of a point.
So I sat, silently contemplating what I might have done had Aragorn not been so nitpicky. I thought of the many sleepovers I had attended, allowing a smile to spread across my face as I thought about putting Gimli's hand in warm water.
"What are you smiling about?" Gimli suddenly growled. I glanced over at him and started laughing uncontrollably, which sent him into an extreme state of confusion. Legolas started awake, giving me a strange look, which only forced more laughter out of me.
I eventually roused the rest of the Fellowship with my loud display of hilarity. By the time Aragorn got me to calm down, my stomach muscles ached and I was too winded to explain exactly what I found so amusing.
*
We stopped in the middle of the day for lunch, staying close to the water's edge because guess what, Aragorn was being overly paranoid. Again.
I chewed thoughtfully at my apple, wondering how long my stash of soap would last when a loud, painful sigh escaped Merry's lips.
"What's wrong?" I asked him, patting him sympathetically on the shoulder. He looked up at me, offering a somewhat sad smile.
"I miss the Shire," he replied. Pippin suddenly grinned.
"I know what he's really missin'…" he said, giving Merry a bit of a nudge. Sam's lips curved up in a sly smile as the meaning of his words sunk in. Merry flushed red and suddenly became very interested in the dirt beneath his fingernails, which, provoked a hearty chuckle out of Frodo
"So…who's the lucky lady?" I asked, raising my eyebrows ever so slightly. Pippin opened his mouth to say something and Merry promptly tackled him, catching him in a headlock.
"No one," Pippin answered meekly. Merry nodded appreciatively and released his friend, returning to his position on the ground.
"Well, if you ever need any advice on women, feel free to ask," I replied, taking a sip of water. Pippin's eyes widened slightly.
"You know aboot women?" he asked incredulously. I rolled my eyes.
"Pippin, if you haven't noticed, I happen to be one…" I replied. Pippin smacked his forehead.
"Well o' course I knew that," he replied. "I jus' never really thought aboot asking you…"
"Well I'm glad I didn't suddenly grow a beard or something…" I muttered.
"You're the prettiest elf I've seen yet, Miss Haley," Sam offered, his cheeks turning red.
"Oh my God, you are the sweetest…gimme a hug!" I demanded, pulling him into a bear hug. "See, this is a good example. Sam has got skill with the ladies," I replied, ruffling his hair slightly. "Flattery is key here fellas. And it has to be sincere. You can't just be all 'Um…nice hat…I mean, dress…yeah.' That doesn't do it. Tell her she looks beautiful…and be honest in the way you say it. The more gentlemanly you are, the better."
"Alrigh'…Merry, are you writin' this down?" asked Pippin. Merry nodded as he frantically scribbled on a sheet of paper he had produced from his backpack.
"You shouldn't act jealous or overprotective either…it makes a girl feel claustrophobic…you should also be careful when she's PMS-ing," I explained. Pippin frowned slightly.
"Wha's tha'?" he inquired.
"You know…PMS…" I replied.
"Yeah, wha's tha'?"
"PMS…" He still didn't get it, and neither did the rest of the hobbits. "You know…before a girl gets her period and she's pissed all the time?"
"What's a period?" he asked. I was beet red now.
"Period, Aunt Flo, Crimson Tide, That Time of the Month, Monthly Curse…" I nearly exclaimed. Pippin seemed to contemplate my exclamation, turning it over in his mind. "Monthly Courses…" I offered. Suddenly he turned red, clamping a hand his mouth. Merry blushed again and Sam and Frodo looked embarrassed and slightly uncomfortable.
"Oh…" replied Pippin after a moment.
"Yeah. That would be it…so it's not too wise to go pissing girls off then…or anytime really, but that's probably the most dangerous time to go about doing that…some aren't as bad as others though…"
"What's the worst gift to give a girl?" asked Merry.
"Any sort of household appliance, especially on an anniversary or her birthday. Unless she asks for it specifically."
And so it went on.
Eventually we had to pack up and get back out on the river again. That was probably one of the more interesting (and amusing) conversations I had with the hobbits. But I couldn't help but be glad that I didn't have to answer any questions about sex…thank God.