Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is a property of Gainax. The author had no permission to use the characters and other things related to the series. This is only a fan fiction and the author does not gain profit from this. The rest of the parts of the story is owned by the author (And THAT means ME! ).
Arrgh!! How will I finish this? It had been over a week now… and still I have nothing to write about!
Alone in his room, Shinji had been sitting there, holding a piece of paper, and thinking of what to write. He was like that since the day his teacher in literature assigned him to represent his section in a poem writing contest.
What am I going to write about? I have been writing poems for the whole week and spending almost every free time I had everyday. But every poem I wrote doesn't come out good! And the worst part is, I will memorize it and read it on the stage and in front of different people! Why am I in this situation anyway?
Shinji recalled the day when all of his misfortunes started…
'That was a good poem, Ikari.'
'Thank you, sir.'
Everyone in the class looked at him in admiration, except for a certain redhead giving him a scowl and a blue haired girl, staring blankly at the window.
'Well, the great idiot Shinji is a great poet! I don't know wimps like you can make such poems!'
Shinji was hurt by Asuka's words. But knowing her for so long and almost being with her all the time, he just ignored her and went back to his seat. He was happy that his poem made a good impression to his classmates and his teacher and thinking that he will have the best grade.
'As all of you know, Ikari has the highest grade in the assignment.'
'Since you're the best in this class, Ikari, you will be the representative of this class for the poem writing contest which will be a week and a half from now.'
Poem writing contest… wow I'm really that good…
'And the participants in this contest will be from all over the classes in this school. That means including the higher levels.'
To compete with the higher levels… that proves that I'm really good!
Hearing those words, Shinji felt really happy. But the next statements changed his mood.
'Your poem will be about life and love.'
Life and love eh… WHAT?!
'And you will be reciting it in front of the student body on stage.'
Recite in front of many people?! Are they crazy? Reciting in front of the class is hard enough for me, and now they want me to speak in front of many people?!
'You will have 9 days to prepare for it. Do you have questions?'
'B-but sir, I think I can't do it. Can you change the participant from our class?'
'I can't. You are the best in this class. If you won't do it, then I will give a long exam in this class.'
'But sir, I…'
'You don't want your classmates to suffer because of your ramblings, do you?'
Many of his classmates turned their faces on him, giving different looks. Others gave him pleading looks, and others gave him angry looks telling him a message that means, "Refuse or suffer".
Damn it! Do I have a choice…?
Why did this happen to me? I should've known that the assignment would make me a stupid jerk in front of many people. And the theme for the poem is about life… and LOVE!? I think they're crazy.
I've experienced life in the worst possible manner, but love… sigh, all my life I've never experienced love. I lived for a decade without a father and a mother. I know mother loves me but she's gone. Even if I couldn't recognize her face anymore, I know that I long for her love. Father…he doesn't care about me, I guess. If he cared then he wouldn't abandon me in the first place. And besides, he's cold when talking to everybody, even to me. Misato? I don't know. At first I thought she's just doing her job of being my guardian. But I think she loves me. Motherly love? I don't think so. I consider her as my elder sister and maybe she does too. Asuka? She's very attractive, but attraction is so much different. And besides, she insults me and always brings me down, and considers me a competition. Although she treats me that way, I know that she's a good friend. Touji, Kensuke and Hikari… they are very good friends. I think they love me and I love them. They made me feel good and I feel like an ordinary teenager around them. But still, I need more inspirations for the poem. And Ayanami-san…what do I feel for Rei?
I don't know how to think about her. She's very mysterious to everybody except my father. I'm uncomfortable around her sometimes because of her nerve-wracking stares and the 'accident'. I feel embarrassed just thinking about that. But around her presence I'm the most comfortable. How contrary. But I feel comfortable around her because she listens to me and doesn't insult or tease me. I can talk to her without having to feel that I will be mocked. She had defended my life from the Angels and even to Asuka's wrath. And she had smile for me, a smile so beautiful and so rare I've considered it as a priceless treasure inside my memory. And that told me that she considered me a friend. I consider her a very good friend, but is that what I really feel about her? Am I telling myself that I love her, and that she loves me? Just thinking of this gives me a headache! Damn, headache is the last thing I need right now! I only have a day and few hours to finish this!
Shinji stopped on his train of thought as he looked at his clock.
"Oh no! It's already 7pm! And I still have no progress in my poem! I don't think I can finish this on time!"
Misato, while drinking her Yebisu beer in the living room, heard his loud shout and came to his room to check on him.
"Hey, Shinji-kun. What's the matter?"
"Oh Misato-san. There's nothing that matters here."
"Rambling about something is something that doesn't matter? Just tell me your problem. Maybe I can help you, you know?"
"Well, it's just that, I can't make a good poem for the competition. I am just making a fool out of myself. It's on Saturday and still I can't form the words to make a good poem for that day."
Misato patted his shoulder and said to him, "You know, if you want to make something good, think something good first. If you're just inside your room, you will just think of mixed things. I think you should go to somewhere you can relax to take you out of your stressful thinking."
"Well, I don't know of such a place like you said."
"How about in the park, or the place that I showed you before, or in the fields or meadows, if there is such a place here in Tokyo-3…"
Outside? That seems a great idea. "I'll go outside… yeah! Thanks, Misato-san!"
"You're welcome! Hey, where will you go?"
"I don't know yet but I'll find a place where I can be at peace like you said. I'll go now! Just tell Asuka that I won't cook tonight and don't wait for me for dinner. I'll just eat outside. Bye, Misato-san!"
"Bye Shinji-kun!" as she said that, Shinji already left the apartment. Right after Shinji's departure, Asuka entered the apartment.
"I'm home!"
"Oh, welcome home, Asuka!"
"Hey, I saw Shinji running outside. Where is he going?"
"He's going to somewhere to finish his poem."
"Oh, yeah, the poem. The competition will be on Saturday. I know he will be the biggest baka on that day, hahaha. So, when is he coming back?"
"He said after a few hours. And he hasn't cooked dinner?"
"WHAT!!? He hasn't cooked dinner?! Then who's going to cook? ME!?"
"Well, if you like, I'll cook. I have a very special recipe that you will love!"
"NO!!! I'll cook dinner!" Damn you, Shinji-baka! You'll suffer for this when you come back!
Shinji just walked and let his legs and feet draw him to a good place. He went there with a pen and paper in his hand. He arrived at a field of grass where he and the other Eva pilots went after an Angel attack. He surveyed the place and he concluded that the place was great during nighttime and he hoped that going there would make him feel better.
He walked to go near a tree, stopped there, and looked at the sky for several minutes.
"Sigh." The place is beautiful and peaceful, but my sadness is not going away. I guess I just wasted my time going here.
Then, as he turned around to leave, he saw something, no, someone sitting there staring at the dark sky. He focused his gaze to the figure to see if he's just imagining things.
"… what am I seeing? So… beautiful…"
Shinji stared at the mysterious creature under the moonlight. The person was a beautiful woman. The mysterious woman has a smooth, white skin that seems to glow under the moonlight. She had a short, light blue hair that almost looked like silver because of the trick of the moonlight. She is staring at the moon like she's been staring forever at it. Somehow, Shinji felt something he couldn't understand. Like he was so fascinated at the female beauty. In that moment he was in a state of trance.
So beautiful, she's so beautiful… she's so… fascinating! I can't believe I am seeing an angel… no, a goddess so beautiful, it almost looked like a dream! I think I am dreaming! This is so beautiful to be true!
To convince himself that he wasn't dreaming, he briskly rubbed his eyes and set his gaze again at the woman he thought as a goddess.
I can still see her! This means I'm not dreaming! This is so great! I'm seeing now a beautiful goddess! A Moonlight Goddess!
His heart is pounding like crazy. He marveled at her heavenly form. He still gazed at the beautiful goddess and when the girl glanced at her right, he saw clearer side profile of her face. Indeed, she is beautiful. He saw her eyes and was surprised to see a crimson eye that sparkled in the darkness of night.
Her face, her face is so heavenly. And her eyes, they are like rubies that sparkle and can take anyone's breath away.
His heart was pounding much faster. He couldn't understand the feeling, but he enjoyed it. Somehow he felt a usual presence, but he didn't know whose presence is it, because his brain stopped working after seeing the girl.
The heavenly girl then noticed Shinji and she made eye contact with him. Shinji was lost at her eyes. His heart began to pound heavily. He then felt something familiar. Wait a minute… she seems familiar…
Indeed, she is familiar. He regained his good sensed of sight and he couldn't believe at what he realized. He was surprised when he realized that the girl he called the Moonlight Goddess was… Ayanami-san…!?
Rei Ayanami was also surprised, but slightly, after seeing Shinji. She didn't expect anyone to see her in that place, especially him. After some minutes of silence, Rei spoke, "Ikari-kun."
"Ah… Rei… I uh mean, Ayanami-san, g-good evening."
"What are you doing here?"
"I am j-just here t-to find a comfortable place to think. I… I am sorry to disturb you. I should be going now…"
Just as Shinji was turning around and leaving the area, Rei suddenly stopped him. "Wait Shinji. Don't leave." She was a little bit surprised to her sudden actions, and to call Ikari by his first name. The mild surprise didn't try to surface to her facial features.
After hearing Rei spoke his first name for the first time, he stopped and turned to face her. He said "okay" and stood there in silence looking at her for some seconds. Rei then said, "Ikari-kun, why don't you sit with beside me?" He then blushed and said a soft "okay" in a trembling voice.
They just sit beside each other in a comfortable silence. Shinji is looking at Rei, just capturing every image of her, and admiring her perfect and undefined beauty. Rei is staring at the moon like she was doing a while ago. Then Rei looked at Shinji at tilted her head to the side. She asked, "Why are you looking like that to me? Is there something you want to inquire me about?"
Shinji was still mesmerized by her beauty. And the way she tilted her head, he thought that it's cute when she do that. After the questions reached his brain, he suddenly snapped back to reality, blushed, looked down, and said, "Uh… well because… you're so…" Why is it hard for me to say it?
"So…"
Say it NOW!!! "Beautiful."
Rei was shocked and blinked twice. It's like she couldn't believe him saying to her that word. "What did you say?"
"I said that you're so beautiful, Rei."
After hearing the words 'so beautiful' and 'Rei', she looked away and blushed. She couldn't understand the feeling, but she felt a comforting warmth. "T-thank you…"
Shinji also blushed after hearing her saying the words of thanks. He looked again to Rei and he started another conversation.
"What are you doing here, Ayanami-san?"
"Address me as Rei."
"Ah, okay Rei." Saying her name makes me blush…
"I was here because I want to see the night sky. I am thinking about something. This place seems comfortable. How about you, Ikari-kun?"
"Just call me Shinji."
"… Shinji." It is easy to say a while ago, but now…but it makes me warm inside."
"Well, I was also thinking, about the poem, you know."
"The poem for the contest on Saturday…"
"Yes. I still have nothing. It's so hard, and I don't know what to write."
"But you have made a good poem and it is very… nice."
She listened to me while I recited the poem!? I can't believe it! The whole time I thought she didn't care… she tells me she likes my last poem! Shinji blushed again and said to her, "Thank you very much, Rei."
"Your poem is nice. You have described nature very well, but how come you can't make a good poem for the contest?"
"Well actually, I am good in writing about nature. I love green fields, beautiful plants, crystal clear rivers and seas, lively animals, and fresh wind breeze. That is why writing for nature is like writing without too much thinking and makes it easy. While on the other hand, writing about life is so hard, because most of the things that happened in my life are bad experiences. And it just hurts to recall such memories. And about love, I…don't know. So ideas are really hard to find when it comes to life and love."
"Why don't you use your good memories of your life?"
"They are few, and some of them are not good enough."
Silence again overwhelmed the area. Somehow, they are enjoying each other's company and the comforting peace of the night. Then again, Rei broke the silence, something unusual for those who know her.
"I know you have experienced the love that you wanted. You just haven't realized it yet."
The statement shocked Shinji. Rei of all people, talks about love? He looked to Rei's face with confusion then Rei continued.
"Try to look inside yourself. Love is not just happiness, because it accompanies pain. To love is to accept happiness and at the same time pain. You will not be capable of love if you'll only accept one of them."
Wow… it's the longest I've ever heard from her. And she's talking about happiness, pain and love. Maybe I'm just starving or hallucinating. "But Rei, I don't know how… I can't do this. It's so hard. Maybe Asuka's right. I'm a wimp and I think I really can't do this."
He was surprised when Rei suddenly held his hand with hers and squeezed it lightly. Her hand… so soft and warm… He felt a sudden rush of heat flow through him that made him blush. But still, he didn't break his gaze to her face. He was then fascinated when she smiled again for him, this time, she did it on her own and the smile is much sweeter and much more… lovely.
"Shinji, do not think about that. You can do this. Have faith in yourself, because I have faith in you," Hearing her words made his face much redder. Then Rei continued, "You have piloted the Eva and became good at it because you're strong. If you will think like this, you will overcome everything. I will always be at your side when you need me. I promised to protect you."
"Rei…" He then remembered everything that she had done for him… the talked they had before the mission when she said that she will protect him, their first fight together and how she sacrificed her life because of his mistake at the fight with the fifth Angel, the smile she made that gave made him truly happy inside, the sync training for the seventh Angel battle that made Asuka realize that she was the one making mistakes and not him after he and Rei tried to sync, and his meeting with his father at his mother's grave that gave him strength to talk to his father after seeing Rei.
She really meant that? I know that she is sincere and spoke the truth. I know she meant that. Now I know that someone cares for me. Maybe someone really… loves me. "Rei… Thank you!" Shinji felt good inside and he was really happy to hear those words, especially from Rei. He couldn't believe that she really cares for him.
"That is nice to hear. Thank you for everything."
"So, what are you feeling now?"
"I really feel happy to know that you care, and that gave me enough courage about myself and my abilities."
"I am glad to be of help to you."
"I guess I can make the poem now. Thank you for everything, Rei! I promise I will give my best and the poem will be for you! I will not fail you and I will win the contest! Will you watch me recite my poem?" He really wanted her to watch. And what he heard next made his nervous system in hyper mode.
"I will watch you on that day and I will be there to support you."
That made Shinji grin like crazy. "Great! I will be the best!"
The warmth and excitement overflowed his senses. He then realized that he had a great idea for his poem and that he had a purpose to do this… he will do it for Rei, the one that gave him strength and cared for him, and that he likes, no, loves, more than everything he had in his life. The poem will be for all the true kindness and care that he received from her. And he also realized that it was very late in the evening.
"Oh it's 9pm! I think we should be going home now. Rei, do you want me to accompany you home?"
"Thank you for your kindness, but I will not leave yet. I'll go later."
"But it's late in the evening and it's not safe especially in your area."
"Do not worry, Shinji-kun. I will not be harmed. I think you should be going now. Major Katsuragi will be worried and you must finish the poem."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Shinji reluctantly left, because of her safety and because he was glad when he is around her so he doesn't want to leave. He said goodbye to her and went back to his guardian's apartment with new emotions and the idea for the poem inside of him.
After she couldn't see Shinji's form, she drew her gaze again to the moon and she smiled. She now understood her emotions, especially for Shinji, the feelings that bothered her for some time. She now understood that she cared deeply for Shinji and she was glad to see him happy. She now understood the word love, because she realized that she loves him. She then spoke in a very soft voice "I am glad that I can give you happiness, Shinji."
The walk home was somewhat long, but Shinji reached the apartment without a hint of tiredness and with a smile on his face. The door was opened by a very pissed Asuka.
"BAKA! Where the hell were you? And why the hell did you left without cooking dinner?!"
"Sorry, Asuka."
"Humph! Baka!"
After that, she left and went to her room, still annoyed. Then, Misato noticed Shinji's arrival.
"Hello Shinji-kun! You have been outside for more than two hours. Where have you been?"
"Hello Misato-san! I just went outside like you suggested. Thanks for the advice, Misato-san!"
"I'm glad I can help! Anyway, did you feel much better now?"
"I really feel good now. I guess I can do the poem."
"Well, I'm glad to know that!"
"I should be going to my room now. Goodnight, Misato-san."
"Goodnight too, Shinji-kun."
And with that, he left Misato and entered his room. Misato, on the other hand, just stood still with a surprised look on her face.
Was it my imagination, or Shinji really was smiling? I wonder what happened. With just two hours, his serious, melancholic face turned into a happy one. "Maybe I'm just drunk. But I don't feel I'm drunk. Well, I just need to drink one more!"
The day of the contest had arrived, and Shinji's buddies are feeling nervous about him.
"Do you think Shinji would be able to do this?" Kensuke said to Touji.
"Well, I don't know. Knowing Shinji, he will just stammer there in front of the stage and maybe he will pass out afterwards. You know what happens to him when he's nervous."
"Yeah. I hope he will finish reciting his poem without something bad or humiliating happens to him. Humiliation is the worst thing for him."
"Sigh, when I spoke to him yesterday he said he's still not finished with the poem. Let's just hope for the best, for Shinji."
"Hey guys!" They were interrupted by Hikari and Asuka's presence.
"Hello, you two. Where is Shinji, Asuka?" Touji said.
"I don't know. He left early and Misato said he needed to be early to go here. You haven't seen him yet?"
"Not yet. He said that he still needed to prepare so we didn't come to your place."
"I hope he's fine." Hikari said with a worried look on her face.
"Well, that baka is somewhat happy while making the poem. I've seen him smiling while he's writing and reading the poem."
Hikari, Touji and Kensuke felt relieved, at the same time confused after hearing Asuka. He's happy while writing and reading the poem? He is inspired, I guess. The theme is about life and love… is Shinji inspired!? This is a big news! Touji and Kensuke thought in unison.
"What's wrong with you, stooges?"
"Nothing. Just thinking about Shinji."
Then all of them heard an announcement that told them to come to the large school theater. All of the students gathered in the theater and waited for the show to start.
The contest started and many participants had recited their poems. And the moment Shinji had been waiting for, or maybe not, arrived. It is now his turn to recite his poem.
"And now, a representative for the class 2-A will recite his poem entitled "Moonlight Goddess". Ladies and gentlemen, give a round of applause for Ikari Shinji!"
Shinji, feeling so nervous, went up the stage and faced the audience. The audience clapped, and that made him more nervous. I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away… jeez, it's not working!
The sounds of claps ended and silence reigned at the theater. Shinji moved his eyes looking for something, or maybe someone. He saw Hikari, looking very worried. Then Touji and Kensuke, giving him a look that says, "You can do it!" but still, his nervousness didn't dissipate. And then Asuka, who gave him a mischievous grin…or is it just his imagination. That look doubled Shinji's tension. Then he looked at the other crowd. He can't find her. The tension building up inside him was slowly eating his courage. I can't do this. I'm going to break down in front of this crowd. I'm so hopeless… his thoughts suddenly stopped when he felt a presence…her presence. It's her! She's here like she promised! he focused his gaze from the farther part of the crowd. He saw her. He saw Rei looking at his eyes, then he saw her nod.
Shinji was slowly regaining his lost courage. Her crimson eyes gave him strength. His nervousness and tension he's feeling was gradually going away. He now felt happy and full of confidence. He nodded back at her. Thank you, Rei. After a moment of silence, Shinji started to recite his poem.
Moonlight GoddessOne night I went outside
To remove the sadness that I hide
I just walked without thinking where to go
Then I ended up in a small meadow
I looked around the field of grass
Hoping my soul could relax
But then, I'm still disturbed at peaceful night
Even though everything is beautiful around the moonlight
My heart is in pain and this I couldn't bear
I hope somebody would care
But as I turn to leave that lonely night
I've seen an ethereal being under the moonlight
As I focused my gaze to the ethereal being
My heart is pounding hard and I could hear it beating
I stopped breathing and my eyes had a thousand sparkles
To witness a heavenly being, the Moonlight Goddess
The Moonlight Goddess is the most beautiful thing I've seen
Much more beautiful than the most precious treasures there have been
After seeing her unparalleled beauty all my sadness faded away
And happiness and comfort gave way
The Moonlight Goddess turned and looked at my face
And we set our gaze in each other's eyes
I feel like I am sinking into her gaze
And my heart started again to race
I focused my sight to her moonlight-bathed face
Her beauty gave me a warm caress
I blinked my eyes and what I saw makes me wonder
My mind said, "She seems familiar…"
Then I realized that she is indeed familiar
I realized that almost every time I see her
That for so long I've known her and she has known me
But I asked myself "Why is it only now I realized her beauty?"
I tried to leave because I thought I am imagining with eyes opened wide
She asked me not to leave and sit by her side
Then we sat together in the peaceful field of grass
And we cherished the melodic silence and the beautiful moments that pass
We were together in the meadow for a very wonderful night
Then I gazed again to her under the moonlight
Her face looked angelic and it gives me calmness and happiness
Then I realized that I always feel that way around her presence
I looked again into her jewel-like eyes
Her eyes that many would say as cold as ice
I was hypnotized by its brilliance
And its power that can give a powerful trance
That night she gave me courage to go on and face the future
And to fight for what is worth fighting for
I realized that she is worth living and dying for
Because she had opened my heart's door
The Moonlight Goddess smiled for me
The very sweet smile that is only meant for me to see
Then I smiled back at her
A warm smile full of happiness to her I offer
I told her that night that I may not have the strength to face the world
But she assured me warmth when I feel cold
She assured me the strength I need
Knowing this from her, my melancholic soul was freed
Behind her frail appearance there is strength and courage
A courage only seen from a lion in rage
With this she protected me from dangers to keep me safe and secure
And deep inside my heart, I know this for sure
Before I don't believe in God and his miracles
But now I do because He showed me to the Moonlight Goddess
That gave me love and happiness that before I didn't see
But now I see and I appreciate these blessings given to me
Thank you Moonlight Goddess, for listening to everything I speak
Thank you, for caring for me when I feel weak
Thank you, for giving me everything you can give
And thank you, for giving me a worth to live
Before I don't know, but now you made me understand
When your hand touched my hand
That you accepted everything about me
And that you've always loved me
You taught me the meaning of love
Even though in life you didn't have
But now I will share my love that you made me see inside of me
Because I love you, and I want you to be happy
To you, my Moonlight Goddess
I love you
Shinji had finished his poem. The audience was in silence. He looked at them and he felt down by their reaction. They didn't like it… sigh. I promised Rei that this will be the best. I'm sorry, Rei. I failed you.
He was feeling ashamed because of the uncomfortable silence. He thought that in a few moments everyone would laugh at him. He was on the verge of crying when he suddenly heard someone clapping. He looked up and what he saw shocked him… Rei was standing and clapping, and she was smiling. Everyone too was surprised to see Rei clapping, and smiling. "Rei…" Shinji couldn't believe it! Rei liked it! Rei gave him the look that said, "You have not failed me. You have done very well."
Rei's claps echoed through the silenced theater. Then Touji and Kensuke stood up and started clapping. Then Hikari, Asuka and the rest of the audience followed, creating a loud noise. Shinji felt a tear running down his cheek. He was crying not because of sadness and pain, but because he was feeling an overwhelming amount of happiness. He smiled and bowed in front of the crowd. Thank you, Rei. You really are my Moonlight Goddess.
The next day, Shinji was walking with his two buddies to the school.
"I couldn't believe your poem is only in third place. Yours is much better than the rest of the poems." Touji said.
"Well, the others are really good. Being third among the twenty participants is good enough." Kensuke said to Touji.
"He's right, Touji. Besides, I really didn't expect my poem to do that good." Shinji added.
"Okay. But you are certainly happy after the contest, Shin-man. Is there something good happening to you lately?"
"Well, there is." It is certainly good…
"Can you tell us about it?" Kensuke said as they reached their classroom.
Shinji stopped at the door for a moment to look at the girl that gave him a new wave of happiness at his life. Rei felt his presence and she turned around from the window to see him. When their eyes met, she smiled at Shinji, and Shinji smiled back at her.
"I think your question has been answered, Kensuke. He's really happy now."
"Yeah, Touji. You are right about it."
Shinji may not have won the contest and became the best, but he had won the heart of the girl that he had only wished he had before. He had won the heart of Rei, his Moonlight Goddess.
-- FIN --
Well, you like it? I guess not. But it is my first fanfic (and maybe my last…it depends…you know…). I know it's a poor excuse but I'm sorry if it does not suit your taste. It's a Shinji/Rei fic (I know you know…). Shinji/Rei Rules! Big time! Please give me your feedback about this.