Suck My Battleship

Disclaimer: Johnny Depp is hot. Leah is squishing her cheese into a cheese sculpture because she's icky. Ya know. Don't sue us. We do not own any of the HPness. (say HP ness fast. Then laugh.)

Hermione, Ron and Harry wandered slowly into the Great Hall for dinner, still exhausted from the previous day's events. They sat across from Seamus and Dean at the Gryffindor table and began to gobble down food. Ron was rather spacey and began sculpting some spare cheese into a rather curious looking shape. Harry raised a quizzical eyebrow at him, "What is that?"

"Umm duuuh it's a BATTLESHIP," Ron responded huffily. He then began to throw seductive glances at Hermione as he entered the battleship between his lips.

"RON!" she exclaimed, and discreetly snuck some cheese into her spare robe pocket for later use.

Suddenly Dumbledore's voice rang through the hall,

"Students, and my dear staff, I am pleased to announce that beginning tomorrow, Hogwarts will be offering a new mandatory elective. It has been brought to my attention that recently there have been a vast number of injuries from improperly preformed sexual activated, and there has been an alarming number of underage wizards and witches becoming pregnant." Everyone in the Great Hall stared at Dumbledore as if he had grown an extra penis.

Magonagally kept her face in a tight scowl during the entire announcement and kept shaking her head in disgust. All of the sudden she let out a shrill cry,

"OH! Hagrid that's the 200004th time you've wedgied me today, would you STOP that!?"

Hagrid giggled delightfully and made his way back to his seat at the STAFF table.

Dumbledore cleared his throat loudly (but not like Umbridge) and continued his speech, "All students at 4th year and up will attend this class. The teachers who will be leading these classes will be myself, Mrs. Hoitty toitty tightwad I mean Magonergal, and Professor Severe Rape."

Magonster(the teacher, the strict one) raised her eyebrows so high high high they touched the sky sky sky and didn't come back back back till the fourth of July.(July 16, 2005 by the way, HP6!!!!! WOOOO ahem)

"Pardon me?! You mean to say that I will be involved in these….activities?" She gave Dumbledousche the most enraged look EVER.

He smiled coyly at her and nodded, "YES!"

Snape eyed Mineeeeeeeeerva and batted his eyelashes.

She turned beat red and turned away quickly (SEMICOLON) shyly.

----A/N: We couldn't decide if we wanted to use quickly or shyly because we wanted to use both so um yeah anyway----

"Minni-poo, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. I am in LOVE with you…you know, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket," Snape proclaimed.

She gagged and barfed under the table into the spare barf bag that they kept under there…in cause you know…someone had to barf. Regaining her colour, she sat up straight and gave a curt nod to Dumbledore to continue.

As Dumbledore began to announce their schedule; Hermione, Ron and Harry bent their heads together to discuss this upcoming class.

"I for one, think this is the greatest idea since S.P.E.W. So many pupils have found themselves in bad situations with underage pregnancies," She threw a dirty look at Lavender and continued," It's really starting to get disgusting. I'm sick of everyone coming to me for abortions. Honestly, are contraceptive charms THAT hard? I mean, I learned how to keep the bun out of the oven when I was eleven."

Ron and Harry let out loud snorts at this metaphor and tuned her out as she babbled on about buns and ovens.

"Good Morning pupils, Welcome to Sexual Education, with a twist" Dumbledore began gleefully as he pulled down the shades of the classroom. "Today you will learn about the importance of the proper way to er… 'stuff the beaver. If you know what I mean." He added a wink and continued, "the curriculum will consist of contraceptive charms, how to detect STD's, and erm………..positions," he mumbled the last word quietly and cleared his throat loudly.

"Erm, what was that professor? I didn't quite catch the last part of the curriculum," Hermione lifted her head from her note taking questioningly.

"POSITIONS!" Dumbledore shouted out sounding a bit disgruntled. Hermione turned beat red in response and hastily scrawled out the word positions in her Harry Potter© note book.

Dumbledore gave Maggynol a tentative push towards the front of the classroom, and immediately she launched into super teacher mode. She began to lecture on contraceptive charms and the pros and cons to each one.

Walking out of the class Ron turned to Harry, "Urgh, I didn't think it was possible to make sex stuff boring. But Professor Maggotnol sure knows how to ruin it for a teenaged wizard with lots of raging hormones."

Hermione giggled at the word hormone and replied, "Well I thought it was very informative and useful. Lord knows we can't have any more mini Cho Chang's running around."

Harry looked away quickly and began whistling innocently. Hermione and Ron looked at him accusingly.

"Hey, I had nothing to do with that. Don't look at me like that. So? Yeah ok whatever, just because they all have glasses and lightning bolt scars on them does NOT mean they are mine," Harry yelled huffily.

LATER THAT NIGHT

"Are you there?" a dark voice whispered huskily into the night.

"Yes," a timid one answered in reply, "Oh Sirius, can we do this? I don't think I can bear to keep it a secret anymore. I feel so passionately for you."

"Love, you know we have to. It is the ONLY way. Now kiss me bitch."

The two embraced tenderly and he started ravaging her face. He slowly slipped off her cardboard box, as she began to unbutton his kilt.

-scene fades into sex…hot hot hot hot hot sex that only SIRIUS BLACK could have with a secret lover- ;-)

A/n: Who is Sirius's secret lover? Will we ever find out? Probably not, but maybe so. So umm that's it for this chapter. Ummm yeah? Stay tuned for next time? Eh no that's lame. Ok whatever, bye.