I just found out that Farscape's Ben is going to be joining SG1 for season nine. Naturally, this gets my mind turning in wickedly fun ways.
And no, I don't own any of the characters nab it.
Exercises in Ben Major:
Ben Major (since the SG1 execs haven't given him a real name) swaggers onto level 28 at his new job. What it is, no one knows, but he is here to be a member of SG1. Additionally, he will be replacing General Jack O'Neill as the smart-ass and lecherous flirt on off world missions. This role on SG1 has remained open since Jack got promoted, (probably because any other replacement would be grossly incompetent and the rest of SG1 would probably "kill" anyone who tried to act like Jack and came off lacking) and Ben Major is the only one who could competently fill it. Having slain many foes with his wit and big ass, his charm with even the coldest of ice princesses, and, most importantly, a Sci-Fi acting credit under his belt, Ben Major is the perfect man for the job. And he knows it.
Ben Major swaggers into the briefing room with a big smile and uniform slightly too tight for his frame, thus showing off his big muscles. He sees his new teammates; they are all having a heated discussion with General O'Neill. Daniel, of course is the most adamant of the group.
"Jack! You can't just throw someone on the team without asking us first! What if he's cuter than me?"
"Daniel, he's a jar head. You'll still get the Geek demographic. And you guys need a . . . whatever he is on the team." Jack acts like he's gone over this a million times.
"He is a lecherous flirt. We have you Sir, we don't need another one." Carter makes her argument while leaning on the table.
Teal'c, stiff as ever, puts his two cents in. "Indeed."
"Thanks Carter, Teal'c that makes me feel so loved."
"Any time O'Neill."
Jack stares at Teal'c for a minuet trying to figure out if that was a joke or if he was serious.
Ben whips his head in the doorway in a Jim Carrey like fashion and his smile broadens. "Hi Guys! I'm Ben Major, resident lecherous flirt and general bad ass." Sam moans and puts her head in her hands. Daniel's makes interesting faces of a mixture of dislike, wonder, and bewilderment. Teal'c stares unmoved. Jack simply raises an eyebrow. "Did I come at a bad time?"
"No. Not at all. Ben this is SG1. Teal'c, Dr. Daniel Jackson and Colonel Samantha Carter."
Ben shakes hands with all in the room but when he gets to Sam he starts. "Mamma mea!" He then proceeds to kiss his way up her arm. She makes a face and flicks his forehead. Ben gets the message. "I'm sorry Samantha. It's just when I see a beautiful woman, I can't help it but try to make her mine."
"It's Colonel and if you ever do that again, I will push you into an opening wormhole."
Ben smiles broadly. "Ouch!"
All this time, Jack has been inching toward the door. "Well, it looks like you' all are getting along nicely, so I'll just leave you guys to get better aquatinted." Jack darts from the room.
"Stop him!"
"Jack!"
"You can't leave us!"
Jack is gone. All except Ben are sad. Teal'c is the first to speak. "I gave up my family to come here and fight the Goauld. I lost my wife to illness and I was not there for my son to grow up into a warrior."
Sam nods. "Yep and he's complaining about his kid being in California instead of Vancouver. A two hour flight away."
Daniel looks confused. "I thought his kid killed himself accidentally with his service revolver. That's how he got involved with the Stargate project."
Sam rolls her eyes and sighs heavily.
Ben tries to lighten the mood. "Hey who wants to throw back a couple of Foster's and go pick up some morally ambiguous women?"
"Ben come with me." Sam does not even wait for Ben to answer before she walks out the door. He follows, swaggering all the way.
Sam and Ben enter the elevator. Ben flexes his arm and puts it in front of Sam's face. He smiles bigly. "So. Commando lady, why have you lured me into this private spot, just the two of us? I must tell you I don't approve of work place romances, but for your sexiness, I'll make an exception."
Sam is just staring at him. She can't decide whether to beat his brains in or laugh at him. "First of all, get your arm out of my face."
"What? You don't like my massive, bulging muscles?" this is said with a loving kiss to said muscles.
"I've seen bigger."
The elevator suddenly stops and looses power. Ben Major smiles lecherously. "Oh no. It looks like we're stuck all by ourselves in the elevator for a while. Don't worry, I'll comfort you with my big muscular arms."
Ben Major has backed Sam into the wall of the elevator. She smiles evilly. "Ben. May I see your shoes?"
Ben starts taking them off for her. "Anything for you, you sexy, commando lady."
He gives her his shoes. She regards them, makes a Xenia war cry and proceeds to beat him with them.
Daniel finally gets the elevators working. Why he was working on elevators is a mystery, but he is a genius. He and Teal'c watch as the doors open. Blood is everywhere and Sam has a boot in her hand.
"Ouch." Daniel regards the mess distastefully.
"Indeed."
Jack pops out from nowhere and regards the mess blankly. "So. I guess that character is not going to work."
Sam pushes a bloody strand of hair out of her face. "I think it's safe to say no. Sir."
"Shall we start over Kids?"
"Indeed."
"Sir, why don't you just stay?"
"I'm a General."
"So?"
"So?"
---
Ben Major walks in to the briefing room and almost trips on his own shoes. He has a lab coat on and thick-rimed glasses. "Sorry guys. Hi. I'm Ben Major, the geeky but hot scientist."
Daniel turns calmly to Teal'c "Teal'c do you happen to have your zat gun with you?"
"Indeed Daniel Jackson. Here you go."
Daniel thanks him for the gun and calmly turns to Ben Major and shoots him three times, thus vaporizing him.
The rest of SG1 look at the spot Ben Major had been in. Jack consults his watch. "Less than a minute. That beets Carters time."
"I have to protect my demographic, Jack." Said in a completely normal voice, as if Daniel had not just shot the new character and thus vaporized him.
Jack twiddles his thumbs. "So, Next?"
---
Ben Major slinks into the room in a low cut blouse, mini skirt and mesh stockings complete with six-inch stilleto heels. He trips and falls through the window of the briefing room, falls the two flights to the bottom of the gate room, and dies. Later the SGC erases all knowledge of this incident from its files.
---
Ben Major blusters in, in full Jaffa body armor, a staff weapon and a gold tattoo on his forehead. Teal'c turns to Jack.
"No."
"But."
"No."
"Not even . . ."
"No."
Jack sighs heavily. "I guess it's back to the drawing board for Ben Major's character."
"Indeed."
"At least we have another half a season till he joins cast."
"Indeed."
"Or you could just stay, Jack."
"No Daniel."
And so, the quest to find the perfect character continues. Not to mention the quest for a better name for said character.