MeadWall : Fartin the boozer, a redwall fanfic

Cable T.V.

I used to think my life was so empty,
I used to think life was passing me by.
I was just about ready,
To curl up and die.

But one day I got a visit,
From the cable company,
They hooked me up, plugged me right in,
And now I've got cable TV.

And so I get to watch...
The stock report in Korean,
Midget wrestling on channel 3,
It costs me fifty bucks a month just to see 'em,
Yeah, but that's OK with me....

I got cable TV (cable TV),
Cable TV (cable TV),
Eighty-three channels of ecstacy,
I love my cable TV yeah,
Love my cable TV.

I got the Siamese Faith Healer's Network,
The news and weather from Peru,
I got celebrity hockey,
The racquetball channel too.
Bugs Bunny direct from Atlanta,
Mr. Wizard is on at five.
I've got a satellite dish on the trunk of my car
So I can watch MTV while I drive.

I'm talking 'bout,
Real quality programs.
The type you just can't get for free,
Now I'm never gonna leave my apartment,
Cos there's just so much for me to see

On my cable TV (cable TV),
Cable TV (cable TV),
Yeah, if you have a problem you know where I'll be:
Watching my cable TV, yeah,
Watching my cable TV

My friends they're getting kinda worried,
They think I'm turning into some kind of freak.
But they're just jealous,
'Cause I've seen Porky's' 27 times this week

On my cable TV (cable TV),
Cable TV (cable TV),
The greatest thing that ever happened to me,
I love my cable TV, yeah,
I need my cable TV.
Can't live without my cable TV, yeah
Watching my cable TV.

Constipated

Uh huh... extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh... save a piece for me

Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
19 extra larges - what a shame
No one came
Just us, eatin' all alone
You said, "Take the pizza home"
"No sense lettin' all this go to waste"
So then I faced
Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me blocked
And I sure don't care
For irregularity

Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom... I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take the laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no

I was feelin' pretty down
Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say
In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me
Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I'd suddenly spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me

Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no

I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I'd unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide
Said not to stand
But that's a demand
That I couldn't meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see

Tell me
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience , oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag now... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated
Oh no

Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (Yeah yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeze
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated
No no no

EBay

Yeah
A used...pink bathrobe
A rare...mint snow globe
A Smurf...TV tray
I bought on eBay

My house...is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on eBay

Tell me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it on eBay

I'll buy...your knick-knack
Just check...my feedback
"A!" they all say
They love me on eBay

Gonna buy (a slightly damaged golf bag)
Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag)
(From some guy) I've never met in Norway
Found him on eBay

I am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to go, whoa
Got or Visa, whatever'll please ya
As long as I've got the dough
I'll buy...your tchotchkes
Sell me..your watch, please
I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy...)
I'm highest bidder now

(Junk keeps arriving in the mail)
(From that worldwide garage sail)
(Hey! A Dukes of Hazzard ashtray)
Oh yeah...(I bought it on eBay)
Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox)
Wanna buy (a case of vintage tube socks)
(Wanna buy a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre)
(Found it on eBay)
Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcett poster)
(Pez dispensers and a toaster)
(Don't know why...The kind of stuff you'd throw away)
(I'll buy on eBay)
What I bought on eBay

Fat

Your butt is wide, well mine is too.
Just watch your mouth, or I'll sit on you.
The word is out, better treat me right,
Cause I'm the king of cellulite.
Ham on ham on ham on whole wheat, all right.

My zippers bust, my buckles break.
I'm too much man for you to take.
The pavement cracks when I fall down.
I've got more chins than Chinatown.

Well I've never used a phone booth,
And I've never seen my toes.
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows.

Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on you know.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout.
Just tell me once again: Who's fat?

When I walk out to get my mail,
It measures on the Richter scale.
Down at the beach I'm a lucky man.
I'm the only one who gets a tan.
If I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code.

When you're only having seconds,
I'm having twenty-thirds.
When I go to get my shoes shined,
I gotta take their word.

Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds.
Lemme tell you once again who's fat.

If you see me comin' your way,

Better give me plenty space.
If I tell you that I'm hungry,
Then won't you feed my face.

Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
Woo woo woo. When I sit around the house,
I really sit around the house.

You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know it.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know you know you know--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a crowd.
Lemme tell you once again.

You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat--you know, hoo.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
And the whole world knoes I'm fat and I'm proud.
Just tell me once again--who's fat?

Ghandi 2

Next week, on U-62, he's back! And this time, he's mad.
Gandhi II!
No more Mr. Passive Resistance. He's out to kick some butt.
This is one bad mother. You don't want to mess with him.
"Don't move, slimeball."
He's a one-man wrecking crew. But he also knows how to party.
"Gimme a steak. Medium rare."
There is only one law--his law.
Gandhi II!

Grapefruit diet

Who's that waddlin' down the street
It's just me 'cause I love to eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby? Yes, I am!
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Might seem a little sever
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear
Blow, fatty!

Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss
Walked down an alley and I got stuck
I got more rolls than a pastry truck
When I'm all done eating
I eat a little more
When I leave a room
First I gotta grease the door

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Can't have another eclair
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I gotta decrease my derriere

I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet

No more pie now
No more creme brulee
Lay off the gravy
And souffle
No french fri-yi-yies now
No ice cream parfait
Mr. Cheese Nacho
Stay away

Oh I think I'd sell my soul
For a triple patty melt
But I need a boomerang
When I put on my belt

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Lay off the 3 Musketeers
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Until my big booty disappears
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years

I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet

I think I'm about ready for a Quarter Pounder with extra cheese
I need a side order of onion rings
And don't forget to Super-Size that

Hardware store

Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town
Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until a friend told me the news
He said, "Hey! You know that vacant lot
Right beside the gas station? Well somebody bought it
And on that spot they're gonna build a shop
Where we can go buy bolts and screws"
Since then I've been walking on air (air)
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair
'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care
I've been waiting since last June
For this day to finally arrive
I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive
'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside
Well, I hope they open soon

In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight
Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out
I pressed my nose right up against the glass
You know, I had to be first in line
Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom
Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon
One of them will be all mine
Guys with nametags walking down the aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles
Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles
All arranged alphabetically
And they're doing a promotional stunt
There's a great big purple sign out front
That says every 27th customer
Will get a ball peen hammer free

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

Would you look at all that stuff.
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, waterproofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers

Here's Johnny

There he goes, he drives me crazy
When he says...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
That's his job, it's so amazing
All he says is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I never miss a moment when he's on the tube
His being there has made my life worth living
The chills run down my spine
Each time he says that line

"Here's Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and "second fiddle" is his game
Ed McMahon's his name...all right

Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
Watch him selling beer and dog food
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I got a letter from him just the other day
He said, "You may already be a winner!"
A trooper to the end
A Clydesdale's best friend

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and that's the way he gets his pay
What a living

Oh...(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no
(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it
(Here's Johnny!) he says, and everytime it's just the same
Ed McMahon's his name

A very special guy...all right
He's on every night
Can't change the channel
When he's sitting on the panel
(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
There he goes, he gives me goose bumps
When he says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!)

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, that seems to be his claim to fame
Ed McMahon's his name

I want a new duck

I want a new duck.
One that won't try to bite.
One that won't chew a hole in my socks.
One that won't quack all night.

I want a new duck.
One with big webbed feet.
One that knows how to wash my car,
And keep his room real neat.

One that won't raid the ice box.
One that'll stay in shape.
One that's never gonna try
To migrate or escape,
Or I'll tie him up with duck tape.

I want a new duck.
A mallard, I think.
One that won't make a mess of my house,
Or build a nest in the bathroom sink.

I want a new duck.
One that won't steal my beer.
One that won't stick his bill in my mail.
One that knows "The duck stops here."

One that won't drive me crazy
Waddling all around.
One who'll teach me how to swim,
And help me not to drown.
And show me how to get down.
"How to get down", baby. Get it?

(quack, quack, quack, quack, quack)

I want a new duck.
Not a swan or a goose.
Just a drake I can dress real cute.
Think I'm gonna name him Bruce.

I want a new duck.
Not a quail or an owl.
One that won't molt too much.
One that won't smell too foul.

One that won't beg for breadcrumbs,
Hangin' around all day.
He'd better mind his manners.
Better do just what I say,
Or he's gonna be duck paté.
Duck paté, yeah yeah.

That Jerry springer

It's been one week since we got to see
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho
Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer

Holy cow, d'you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak
Who sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl
Became a total free-for-all
And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants
She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her mother
Now here come's Jerry's next guest
And it's a slugfest
'Cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac is back on crack
It's like "When Animals Attack"
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes
Step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver

They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt, and pointin' blame
On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame
There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts

It's been one week since they had the fight
With the Siamese twins and the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the bitter fued
Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer

Male Guest : Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister
Female Guest : Oh? Well, which one?
Male Guest : All of them
Female Guest : Oh! Well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake!
Male Guest : Yah? Well, well me too!
Female Guest : Oh!
Male Guest : And I've sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
(barking)
Female Guest : Woofie, you b-tch!
Female Guest : Well, I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
(baaahhing)
Male Guest : That goat doesn't love you!

Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'
Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'
Jerry's the king of confrontation
He's a sensation
He puts the 'sin' in syndication
It's totally worthless, like a bad check
It's like a train wreck
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away
Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The ratings jumpin' higher everyday
If you've seen the show, well then you know
It's just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some ugly goon
Comes in the room and then it's BOOM
In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen

Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies
"Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my TV? I just can't
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one

It's been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise
When some loser's wife said she's shtill dating twenty guys
Three days wince he interviewed
A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer
I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer
Come over here and pull on my finger

Like a surgeion

I finally made it through med school.
Somehow I made it through.
I'm just an intern, I still make a mistake or two.

I was last in the class,
Barely passed at the institute.
Now I'm tryin' to avoid
Yeah, I'm tryin' to avoid
A malpractice suit.

Hey, like a surgeon,
Cuttin' for the very first time.
Like a surgeon,
Organ transplants are my line.

Better give me all your gauze, nurse,
This patient's fading fast.
Complications have set in,
Don't know how long he'll last.

Let me see that I.V.
Here we go, time to operate.
I'll pull his insides out.
Pull his insides out,
And see what he ate.

Like a surgeon, hey!
Cuttin' for the very first time.
Like a surgeon,
Here's a waiver for you to sign.
Wo-ho. Wo-ho. Wo-ho

It's a fact. I'm a quack.
The disgrace of the A.M.A.
'Cause my patients die.
Yeah, my patients die
Before they can pay.

Like a surgeon, hey!
Cuttin' for the very first time.
Like a surgeon.
Got your kidneys on my mind.

Like a surgeon, ooh hoo, like a surgeon,
When I reach inside
With my scalpel,
And my forceps,
And retractors.
Oh ho. Oh ho. Ooh, baby,
Yeah, I can hear your heart beat
For the very last time.

Livin in the fridge

There's somethin' weird in the fridge today
I don't know what it is
Food I can't recognize
My roommate won't throw a thing away
I guess it's probably his
It looks like it's alive.

And Livin' in the Fridge, livin' in the fridge
Livin' in the Fridge, livin' in the fridge

There's something gross in the fridge today
It's green and growin' hair
It's been there since July
If you can name the object
In that baggie over there
Then mister, you're a better man than I!

It's Livin' in the Fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the Fridge
Can't tell what it is at all
Livin' in the Fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the Fridge

Tell me, do you think it can be carbon-dated
Fumigated or cremated and buried at sea?
You try to save a little bit of your home cookin'
Couple weeks later, got a scary-lookin' specimen
It always happens my friend
Again and again and again and again

Somethin' stinks in the fridge today
And it's been rottin' there all week
It could be liver cake or woolly mammoth steak
We, maybe I should take another peek

(Creeeeeeeeek!)

Livin' in the Fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the Fridge
Can't tell what it is at all
Livin' in the Fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the Fridge
Livin' in the Fridge
Don't know what it is, Don't know what it is
Livin' in the Fridge
Don't know what it is, Don't know what it is
Livin' in the Fridge
Don't know what it is at all
Livin' in the Fridge, yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah

Livin with a hernia

All I do is grunt and groan
Hurts me to walk anywhere
Went to see my physician, Dr. Jones
He took my trousers off, told me to cough
Doctor says there ain't nothin' to discuss
He tells me any day I might have to wear a truss

Living with a hernia
All the time, such aggravation
Living with a hernia
Gonna be my ruination
Living with a hernia
Got to have an operation

Feel so old

Too much bad pain
Good gawd, drives me insane
Can't run, barely crawl
Got a bulge in my intestinal wall
Walk real funny, bless my soul
Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl
You can't even do the splits now...Better call it quits now
I'm sick of all this dancin' anyhow

Living with a hernia
Hurts me bad in a tender location
Living with a hernia
Had enough humiliation
Living with a hernia
Got to have an operation

I live with a hernia
Can't get up, can't bend over
Now I live with a hernia
Wait a minute...
You may not be familiar with the common types
Of hernias that you could get
So just settle down, let me clue you in
There's incomplete
Epigastric
Bladder
Strangulated
Lumbar hernia
Richter's hernia
Obstructed
Inguinal and Direct

Living with a !
I said it's causin' me such irritation
Living with a hernia
Have to have my medication
Living with a hernia

I feel bad!

Leper colony

Finger food and an ice cold keg
It won't cost you an arm and a leg
Dance all night to a rotten band
Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand
Saturday night it's the place to be
Everybody cut footloose with me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony

Met a little lady so pretty and young
She was quite a talker till the cat got her tongue
She oozed up beside me, I turned on my charm
Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed
I said, "Girl, now don't fall to pieces on me"
But she cried her eyes out--literally
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey! Hey!

Hey now, buddy, don't you give me no lip
Sorry I was using your head for a dip
There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who
Wait a minute, it looks like Stu
Well, hold the phone now, what do I see?
Another pretty mama got her eye on me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Yeah, party at the leper colony
Well, there's a party at the lepr colony
(Party at the leper colony)
Hey!

Pretty fly for a rabi

Veren zol fun dir a blintsa

(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi

Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho

Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of 'em were nudniks and none of 'em would last
But our new guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to dies for - he really knows his shtick

So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too
Workin' like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say "Vay iz mir!" and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi)

He shops at discount stores, not just any will sufice
He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal!

People used to scoff, now they say "Mazel tov!"
He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What's not to like? What's not to like?
On high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white bread with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hhhhhip
The parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip

(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey

Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho

He's doin' well, I gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says "Shalom"
And "Have some cake - you want some cake?"
Yah, he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz
So grab your yarmulka
The one you got for Chanukah
Let's put on our yarmulkas and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!

Flying saucers from outer space

Things just haven't been the same,
Since the flying saucers came.
Now the aliens are on the loose.
Well, we tried to hold 'em back,
Tried to ward off their attack,
But our atom bombs were just no use.
They were ugly, they were mean,
Biggest heads I ever seen.
They made everybody scream and shout.
First they leveled Tokyo,
Then New York was next to go.
Boy, I really wish they'd cut it out!

They wasted everybody on my block.
There goes the neighborhood.
They'll zap you with their death-ray eyes,
And blow you up real good.
Run for your lives!
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
They're not very nice to the human race.
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)

There's more comin' every day,
And they just won't go away.
Now they're reproducing in the sewers.
They got slimy lizard skin,
And an evil-lookin' grin,
And they sure could use some manicures.

They got hands all covered with fungus.
They got eyes like some kinda bug.
I sure hope they don't come in here,
I just shampooed the rug.
Run for your lives!
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
They're really makin' a mess of this place.
(Slime Creatures.)
(Slime Creatures.)

(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)

They'll rip your head off just for fun.
They'll paralyze your mind.
They're wearin' out their welcome.
I don't think I like their kind.
They'll suck your brain out through a straw.
You just can't trust those guys.
So hide the children, lock the doors,
And always watch the skies.
Look out! Here come the...

(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
They're an intergalactic disgrace.
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
I wish they'd just get outta my face.
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
They're makin' a big, fat mess of this place.
(Slime Creatures.)
(Slime Creatures.)

Where did they come from?
What do they want from us?
Who do they think they are?
(Slime Creatures. Slime Creatures.)
Why don't they leave me alone?
(Slime Creatures. Slime Creatures.)
They're really getting on my nerves.
(Slime Creatures. Slime Creatures.)
Who ya gonna call? (Slime Creatures!)

Weird al show

Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhose in a vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story

Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula tatooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch
And he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tator tot farm
And he spent his life-savings on a split-level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the Earth (of the Earth)
And he really makes a might fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth

Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV
So he gives Al a contract and whaddya know
Now he's got his very own Weird Al show

Home improvement

So you got dry rot and your water pressure's weak
Your trash compactors broke, the roof has sprung a leak
You just found out your toilet's over flowed
And your smoke detector's smoking and your heater's gonna explode

But... I'll repair for you
(When the roof starts to fall)
I'll repair for you
(All the cracks in your wall)
I'll repair for you
(Every nail, bolt and screw)

Your washer's busted and your faucet drips all night
You got some termites with a healthy appetite
Well have no fear, I'll patch up every hole
'Cuz I'm licensed and I'm bonded, even se habla espagnol

So... I'll repair for you
(When your doorknob is loose)
I'll repair for you
(When your plunger's no use)
I'll repair for you
(With a caulk and hot glue)

I am prepared to tackle, all kinds of paste and spackle
You got a leaky shower, I'll be there in an hour
When stuff goes wrong with plaster, I am a jedi master
We'll help you through your crises,
Check out our low low prices too... yeah

Your floors are sagging and your plumbing's shot
But if you don't mind my hairy buttcrack every time that I squat

I'll repair for you, anything that you need
I'll repair for you, and my word's guaranteed
I'll repair for you, I'll rewire it too
I'll repair for you, I'll repair for you
I'll repair for you, every nail, bolt and screw