Chapter Six
We carry on our backs the burden time always revealsIn the lonely night of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear
Sarah McLachlan- FallenIt felt strange. Almost as if he were a child looking at the world in an innocent frame of mind again, then suddenly realizing that the world wasn't as innocent as it seemed. Only a short time ago in the past, he would have fought for a living, it felt strange thinking back to those days, for the days of war felt like eons ago. Yet here he was again, with his gunblade in hand, feeling the metallic blade in his grip as he blocked an oncoming attack. Of course there had been the incident when he had first awoken in Balamb, his first meeting with the Mayor was certainly not one of his fondest memories, in fact even now he hated to think about it. It was one of them moments he kept locked away at the back of his mind.
He watched as Seifer adjusted his stance and then approached towards Squall once more. It was the first time he had been allowed to train, asked if he wanted to practice training even. It was less than an hour ago Seifer had approached Squall as he sat alone in his room, not really seeing the point of walking around the town. He spent everyday walking around, not quite in boredom. He liked to think that boredom led him to his usual route throughout the whole of the small town, however his mind was too lost within his own thoughts to take in any of the scenery around him. Instead of getting lost in his usual thoughts, today he had decided he would stay inside, feeling unable to face the rest of the town's community. It had been then that Seifer had suggested training. His initial instinct was to say no, he knew what Balamb thought of violence, and even training with Seifer didn't seem appropriate in such a tranquil town. Yet he found himself accepting Seifer's offer when his mind was trying to think of an excuse. He didn't know why, something about it just felt right. He guessed the reason was because it was something for his mind to concentrate on other than his inner demons.
The adrenaline rush forced the blood to pump around his body in violent hard booms from behind his ears, as he went for another attack towards Seifer, trying to ignore his heavy breathing. There was some satisfaction that he got out of fighting which he usually didn't get, however today he felt like he had proved something to himself. That even after everything that had happened to his mind he was still able to fight. A part of him had missed the violence, which only showed as the training seemed to progress into more of a battle. His noticed that Seifer still wore his arrogant grin as Squall began sending harder blows in his direction with his gunblade.
It all seemed so easy for Seifer, he didn't have all of the experience Squall did, but it was evident that Squall hadn't fought in such a long time. He had decided to take Squall to a field on the outskirts of Balamb, not wanting to disturb any of the town's people. He could see Squall was tiring, no longer fighting with the same strength they started with, which was understandable in Seifer's view. They had been fighting for almost an hour, and Squall hadn't had any training for almost three months. Whereas Seifer trained everyday, he had found himself training harder ever since their last battle when Caraway had returned with the news from Dollet. He had trained hard, in order to prove something to Balamb, and to himself. He had given up on his dream of becoming a soldier long ago; he just needed to prove to himself that he was better than Squall. Better than any soldier. He didn't need to fight a war to prove his strength.
Blocking the oncoming blows from the gunblade, Seifer caught glance of something approaching them. Someone. He felt that now was the time to stop playing with Squall, he had only been taunting him, seeing how well he fought and letting Squall lead the battle whilst at the same time savoring his energy for when he really needed it. He blocked one more blow, and then adjusted his gunblade quickly in his hands before quickly guiding the blade in Squall's direction.
He could see that the blow had caught Squall off guard as he lost his footing and hit the ground. Smiling slightly at the current situation, Seifer pointed the tip of the gunblade towards Squall's upper body. "I think we'll stop for the day now," he spoke calmly, before turning his direction towards the person approaching. Her gaze looked slightly worried as she looked at the fallen soldier, then looked up towards Seifer.
"Just a little bit of training," Seifer said walking away from Squall. He could still see that look of worry still visible in her eyes, and couldn't help but feel a slight pang of jealousy within him. "He's fine, aren't you Squall?"
Seifer turned his direction to Squall who was now slowly getting back onto his feet, and answered with a small nod. He really was fine, apart from the wave of exhaustion that had just come over him. Squall guessed that it was because he hadn't had that kind of training in a long time, he hadn't had any training in such a long time. He looked up to see Seifer stood beside the raven-haired girl who was studying him silently.
"Are you sure you're all right to fight?" she asked, suddenly feeling a responsibility towards Squall. She had taken care of him while he was unconscious and even a short time after he had awoken, and she certainly didn't want to have to take care of any injuries due to Seifer's arrogance. She knew that he probably had envy towards this soldier, she could see by the look in his eye, that look that turned cold whenever his name was mentioned.
"I'm fine," Squall stated looking back at the two people stood before him, before walking away.
Rinoa watched as he left the field, and walked in the direction back towards Balamb. She watched until he had disappeared behind a tree, and then found herself deep in worry as she studied the empty air where he once walked. From behind her she could hear the steady breathing of Seifer, as he stood silently watching her, his eyes seeming to burn through her. She could feel him watching her, and guessed he probably knew who she was thinking about.
"I think you're being too hard on him, Seifer," she spoke after a moment of silence, turning over her shoulder to face the blonde man.
"Too hard?" Seifer spoke, he felt he could have laughed at that moment had she not looked so serious. "What do you think he did everyday before he ended up in Balamb, sit around taking it easy? He's a soldier Rinoa, the sooner he gets back into fighting the better."
Rinoa turned her eyes back to where Squall had exited, "I guess you're right," she said quietly, "but sometimes I think he feels lost… like he doesn't belong."
"He is lost, and he certainly doesn't belong here," he placed a hand on Rinoa's shoulder, and turned her so she faced him, no longer wanting to talk to the back of her. "He woke up here one day on his own, he's not exactly going to be the happiest person in the world is he?"
"He probably misses his family and friends, I guess," Rinoa said looking up at Seifer, feeling the need to search for his reassurance.
"Yeah," Seifer said, placing his other hand on her right shoulder "You're probably right. He won't be here much longer anyway." Then he suddenly felt like an idiot at his last words, as he felt Rinoa tense up beneath his hands, realizing what his last statement had led her thoughts to. "Sorry," he said quietly.
Rinoa smiled silently, forgiving his comments. "It's true though, isn't it? He'll be here until I leave."
This time it was Seifer's turn to almost shudder at the thought, at her words. Turning his gaze back to Rinoa he gave her shoulders a comforting squeeze. "That's your father's decision, he hasn't made anything final yet."
Hearing Seifer's words only brought a sick feeling at the bottom of her stomach. She had to force a smile towards Seifer, make him believe that his words were of some comfort to her, as she didn't want to continue the conversation any further. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Everything will be fine anyway." And she knew that the latter was a lie.
Seifer nodded his head silently, and she could see that he didn't believe her either, but he never questioned it any further. And for that she was grateful. "Even if Squall is used to the strenuous training, promise me you won't be too hard on him?"
Letting out a small sigh, Seifer looked at Rinoa's pleading face. He nodded. "Fine," he said quietly, giving in to her look, "I'll be a little easier on him until he's better."
Rinoa smiled, raising her hands to entwine with Seifer's, which were still placed firmly on her shoulders. "Thank you," she said softly, suddenly feeling a little better in knowing that Seifer wasn't going to make Squall's time in Balamb hell. She could see the reluctance in his eyes, and she knew he always loved to train with another person of his own strength.
She wrapped her arms around him, feeling vulnerable like she often did inside Balamb. Placing her head against Seifer's chest as she felt Seifer's arms wrap loosely around her as she tried to find some comfort in the embrace. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to feel some security, but she just felt empty. It was then she felt alone. Even within the embrace of Seifer. She was alone.
It was late afternoon when he made his way down towards the harbour. His body had begun to ache during the walk back to Balamb, and the exhaustion he felt earlier still had not ceased; yet his mind wasn't ready to go back. He hated the small room he stayed in, just four simple walls towering over him. It made him feel so claustrophobic, so trapped, he guessed it reflected how he sometimes felt in Balamb. Trapped.
There was something about the harbour that always seemed to put his mind at ease. Sometimes he would find himself standing there watching the endless ocean, perhaps looking for any signs of life that were not related to Balamb, like a boat in the distance. Nothing ever came.
If he stayed there long enough he sometimes found himself believing that he would be taken away from this town. It was the sensation someone gets when they stare at flowing water for long enough, the sensation like you are moving somewhere, but in reality you know you're not. It's simply the mind playing tricks on you.
Walking slowly towards the end of the harbour he could hear the sound of machinery beside him. On most days fishermen went out to see, to get fish back to sell in the town. He had seen many rusty and torn boats kept on shore where some of the town's men would work on rebuilding them. Just like everything else in the town, he had noticed how they always seem to work on the past. Some of the boats looked like they would never be able to go into water again without sinking, yet he would see the same men working on them each day. They were slowly repaired, but he guessed that eventually they would be complete. In a war it was no use spending time to fix equipment that was almost certain never to work again, but this was a normal town. A town where people didn't rush their work, and it pleased him that he had been able to see such a place.
Squall stopped in his tracks as something caught his eye. His first thought was that he had seen wrong, and his mind was simply playing tricks on him. There was a small vessel stood among the damaged boats, cracked in two with large chunks of the metal shell of the boat missing. He turned towards the green sea beside him for a moment in thought, there was no possible way- he looked back to reveal the same sight he had seen before. A small symbol, half of which had been damaged, on the side of the boat. It was only a small symbol, but he saw that it clearly was what he had suspected. He knew that emblem perfectly well, for he had worn it on his own uniform during every battle in the war. It was the emblem that every Galbadian soldier wore.
Walking once more, he approached the boat until he was right next to it and couldn't help but stare in awe. As much as his mind told him it wasn't possible, this was the boat he had escaped in that day on the battlefield. He ran his finger along the jagged edge of the boat, the disfigured vessel that had once been his savior to freedom.
"No way," he found himself whisper. Stood still, gaping at the broken war vessel. It seemed impossible that he had arrived here in the damaged boat that lay like a lifeless corpse in front of him. Impossible- but he had no recollection of how he got here any other way.
He observed the boat for a long time, running through the events that had happened that evening when his crew had escaped. The scene unfolded like a movie strip in front of him, he remembered Leo was injured; Zell, Irvine and Nida had been there too. Sailing aimlessly, not knowing where they were to end up or if they were even going to survive. The memory flashed through his mind many times in that moment, yet he had no recollection of the rest of the trip. It was as if it had been erased away from his mind.
Letting out a sigh he ran his hand over the body of the vessel once more, studying the fractured floor of the boat where his crew had once been. His eyes stopped on the splintered surface of the boat, on a dark red stain clinging to the wood. He guessed that it was the blood that had come from Leo as he had lay injured.
"Leo told me that you were a great fighter."
He couldn't help the voice entering inside his mind. Although it seemed like eons ago, he still remembered his conversation with Rinoa that day. That was the day when he had found out he was alone, but at least then he had hoped to escape from Balamb and return to the war he had been fighting in.
"What about my other men?"
"… There were no other men on the boat when you were found…"
It seemed as though his memories of his crew had faded during the last few weeks, but now he was here, confronted by the boat before him. It felt as though he had been living a different life and had just found something that gave some evidence of the life he had once led. Like rummaging through the attic and finding a box of objects from previous owners of a house. He thought that it should give him some comfort at seeing the boat, but it just made him wish he had never come here.
The thought made bile rise to the back of his throat, he had to turn away, no longer able to look at the boat. Squall looked out to the sea once more, observing the crawling waves stretching towards him, and then did what his mind was screaming at him to do. He walked away.
His feet began moving in slow short steps at first, feeling uncomfortable and weak in the previous encounter until he saw a clearer view of the rest of Balamb, and his feet began carrying him faster until he was almost running. And he truly did have to try not to run. He felt as though he were a child running down a dark corridor in order to reach a light room, afraid to look back just incase a monster was going to jump out the darkness and go after him.
Once back into the familiar surroundings of Balamb, he found himself peering over his shoulder to look back at the place that had once made him feel calm. Now he only felt that same sick feeling in his stomach as he saw the damaged boats lined up, ready to be repaired. He turned back towards the rest of Balamb, only to see Rinoa making her way towards him.
"My father wants to speak to you," she said, and he noticed the empty tone in her voice as she spoke with her eyes fixed on the ground. Something that he thought was odd of Rinoa. "He said to go find him as soon as possible, he'll be at home."
Squall stood still for a moment, the earlier events now only seeming to be a memory as the fear had subsided. Now he only saw Rinoa. "You okay?" he found himself asking. Sometimes he worried about the raven-haired girl that stood in front of him. He saw that she was often a carefree person, yet every so often he would catch a glimpse of something deeper inside her. Like he could feel her emptiness inside of him, and that was the part that worried him. He hardly knew her, but at times when she was around he felt a wave of emotion, which seemed to be emanating from her, as if her eyes were sending silent waves through his body.
"I'm fine," she said softly, and that was when the tears she had been fighting back for so long escaped from her eyes. She looked back down to the ground as the hot tears mixed with the coolness of her skin from the weather. "You should go see my father now."
It felt like a dam had been broken as the tears started to fall, even as she tried her hardest to stop them. She stood there feeling helpless, as she wept in front of the young soldier, a wailing noise coming from her throat as she felt a strong hand reach for her arm.
"Don't," she whispered, breaking free from his grip. "Please… just go to my father."
Feeling her arm being pulled from his grip, he watched silently as she ran away deeper into the town, leaving him wondering what was wrong. For the first time since he had arrived at Balamb, Squall felt as though he was jealous of Rinoa. Why couldn't he run away like she had just done? Why couldn't he let go?
Authors note: Yeah, I had a wave of inspiration and everything that was in this chapter was going to be the introduction. I just wrote in a lot more detail than I initially thought I would, but oh wells, it means I'll have to wait until next chapter. Hope you enjoy! Thanks.