Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that I saw that "Godfather" bit somewhere else, but I'm not sure where it's from. So yeah, that's not exactly mine, I don't think. Also, I'm sure a lot of people will find this very very disrespectful, so right now
IF YOU WILL TAKE OFFENSE TO A PARODY OF CHRISTIANITY, WHY ARE YOU HERE? HIT THE BACK BUTTON AND DON'T READ THIS FIC.
Genesis
1:1 Once upon a time, the Godfather created the universe. In retrospect, it was poor decision-making on His part and probably shouldn't be repeated.
1:2 And the Earth was shapeless - think of it as primordial Jell-o - and everything was dark. Think of it as primordial Jell-o when the refrigerator light burns out. And God walked on water. His son would later steal His father's material, but we'll get to that later.
1:3 And God said, "I'm afraid of the dark"; so He replaced the cosmic light bulb.
1:4 And God saw the light, and said "Gee golly, that's swell": and God divided the light from the darkness. Except that darkness isn't really a thing per se… it's just the absence of light… but then again…. And God got a migraine headache and gave up.
1:5 And God called the light Night, and the darkness he called Day. But he kept mixing them up so He ended up switching it. And that was the first day… except that time had passed prior to the sun being created… but a day is defined by the rotation around the sun… so I guess that, in the strictest sense of the word, it was the first day, even though it wasn't the beginning of time… And God got another headache and said "49 more chapters of this?! I'm screwed!"
1:6 And God said, I'm going to make a firmament in the middle of the waters, and it'll divide the waters. And God looked up "firmament" in the dictionary. Firmament, coincidentally, means "wall".
1:7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters with that nifty firmament. And that was that.
1:8 And God called the firmament Heaven. If you are a good little Christian, you got to go to a wall when you die. Anywho, that was the second day (or was it…?).
1:9 And God said, "I'm getting dishpan hands. I think I'll make some dry land." And magically it happened.
1:10 And God called the dry land Earth because Mars was already taken. He called the water Seas because Oceans is too hard to spell. And God saw that it was A-OK.
1:11 And God said, Let the earth grow "grass" and "herbs". And in case I get the munchies while I'm stoned, I'll make some fruit trees." And somehow or other it happened.
1:12 And there was lots of "grass" and "herbs". No wonder God's son was a hippie.
1:13 And that was the third day. Ahem.
1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament so that people can use them to tell time until digital watches are invented.
1:15 And they'll light up the Earth until stadium lighting is invented. Then it happened.
1:16 And God made the sun and the moon, just for kicks. Then he star- spangled the sky. And God said, Wow, a verse where I'm not talking to myself!
1:17 And God Fed-Exed them to the firmament.
1:18 And they would do that whole "dividing light and darkness" thing for God. And God saw that it was superfantastical.
1:19 In case you lost count, that was the 4th day.
1:20 And God said, Let the waters create a bunch of moving stuff. Like birdies and fishies and lions and monkeys…. [3 days later] … and pandas.
1:21 And God created all the animals. Didn't he just do that? God saw that it was Neat-o, albeit confusing.
1:22 And God said, Don't use condoms, overpopulate!
1:23 For your information, that was the 5th day.
1:24 And God said, Let the earth make animals. Except God already made animals. Twice. He screwed up a lot - forgot lungs and things - and had to try again.
1:25 And God made animals, for the FOURTH time, and said "Sweeeeeeet!!!".
1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have total control over everything! Let them rape and plunder and destroy the planet. Fwahahahah! And God said "us" even though no one else was there. God was talking to his imaginary friends.
1:27 So God created men and women in his image. Was God a hermaphrodite? No one can say…
1:28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Have a mess of kids, more than you can support, and have complete control over the planet. Have tons of kids. I mean, really guys, work it 24-7. I'm planning on you dieing off from over-population by 2200.
1:29 And God said, For all you vegetarians, you have control over all the plants. It's like meat…. Except it's not…
1:30 And all you loser animals have to eat plants. Even lions. Ahem.
1:31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and it was really spiffy. So he took a rest. That God is such a slacker. No wonder his mother said he'd never amount to anything.
IF YOU WILL TAKE OFFENSE TO A PARODY OF CHRISTIANITY, WHY ARE YOU HERE? HIT THE BACK BUTTON AND DON'T READ THIS FIC.
Genesis
1:1 Once upon a time, the Godfather created the universe. In retrospect, it was poor decision-making on His part and probably shouldn't be repeated.
1:2 And the Earth was shapeless - think of it as primordial Jell-o - and everything was dark. Think of it as primordial Jell-o when the refrigerator light burns out. And God walked on water. His son would later steal His father's material, but we'll get to that later.
1:3 And God said, "I'm afraid of the dark"; so He replaced the cosmic light bulb.
1:4 And God saw the light, and said "Gee golly, that's swell": and God divided the light from the darkness. Except that darkness isn't really a thing per se… it's just the absence of light… but then again…. And God got a migraine headache and gave up.
1:5 And God called the light Night, and the darkness he called Day. But he kept mixing them up so He ended up switching it. And that was the first day… except that time had passed prior to the sun being created… but a day is defined by the rotation around the sun… so I guess that, in the strictest sense of the word, it was the first day, even though it wasn't the beginning of time… And God got another headache and said "49 more chapters of this?! I'm screwed!"
1:6 And God said, I'm going to make a firmament in the middle of the waters, and it'll divide the waters. And God looked up "firmament" in the dictionary. Firmament, coincidentally, means "wall".
1:7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters with that nifty firmament. And that was that.
1:8 And God called the firmament Heaven. If you are a good little Christian, you got to go to a wall when you die. Anywho, that was the second day (or was it…?).
1:9 And God said, "I'm getting dishpan hands. I think I'll make some dry land." And magically it happened.
1:10 And God called the dry land Earth because Mars was already taken. He called the water Seas because Oceans is too hard to spell. And God saw that it was A-OK.
1:11 And God said, Let the earth grow "grass" and "herbs". And in case I get the munchies while I'm stoned, I'll make some fruit trees." And somehow or other it happened.
1:12 And there was lots of "grass" and "herbs". No wonder God's son was a hippie.
1:13 And that was the third day. Ahem.
1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament so that people can use them to tell time until digital watches are invented.
1:15 And they'll light up the Earth until stadium lighting is invented. Then it happened.
1:16 And God made the sun and the moon, just for kicks. Then he star- spangled the sky. And God said, Wow, a verse where I'm not talking to myself!
1:17 And God Fed-Exed them to the firmament.
1:18 And they would do that whole "dividing light and darkness" thing for God. And God saw that it was superfantastical.
1:19 In case you lost count, that was the 4th day.
1:20 And God said, Let the waters create a bunch of moving stuff. Like birdies and fishies and lions and monkeys…. [3 days later] … and pandas.
1:21 And God created all the animals. Didn't he just do that? God saw that it was Neat-o, albeit confusing.
1:22 And God said, Don't use condoms, overpopulate!
1:23 For your information, that was the 5th day.
1:24 And God said, Let the earth make animals. Except God already made animals. Twice. He screwed up a lot - forgot lungs and things - and had to try again.
1:25 And God made animals, for the FOURTH time, and said "Sweeeeeeet!!!".
1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have total control over everything! Let them rape and plunder and destroy the planet. Fwahahahah! And God said "us" even though no one else was there. God was talking to his imaginary friends.
1:27 So God created men and women in his image. Was God a hermaphrodite? No one can say…
1:28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Have a mess of kids, more than you can support, and have complete control over the planet. Have tons of kids. I mean, really guys, work it 24-7. I'm planning on you dieing off from over-population by 2200.
1:29 And God said, For all you vegetarians, you have control over all the plants. It's like meat…. Except it's not…
1:30 And all you loser animals have to eat plants. Even lions. Ahem.
1:31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and it was really spiffy. So he took a rest. That God is such a slacker. No wonder his mother said he'd never amount to anything.