Tears Of Forever

Chapter Seven

I won't try

And every time I tell that lie,

I live without guilt

And I won't cry

And I hope you love your life

And live with your guilt

Jack Off Jill – Cinnamon Spider

After everything that had happened to him in his life, he still felt like being in Balamb was all a dream. It could not be a reality in Squall's mind. He spent his whole life training to be a soldier; it had been the only thing he thought he was good at. The only thing that he had felt he wanted was to fight, being at Balamb had seemed to cloud his mind. Making him feel like he was trapped inside a strange world, with no way of getting back to the life he once lived. On numerous occasions he had awoken expecting to be in his base camp back in the war he had fled from, only to find he was trapped inside his small room.

Pressing his head against the cool glass of the window, Squall gazed out at the town below lit up from the moonlight. The nights were always the worst. His dreams had begun to make everything worse. They were always full of violence, and the many corpses that had lay scattered on the ground back in Dollet when it had been burnt down. Somewhere in the midst of all the violence of his dreams, he would see Rinoa. Usually it was just her face visible in his mind, but it was not something that he enjoyed. She always looked scared in his dreams; a frantic and terrified look always seemed to be staring back at him. Before he could ever get a chance to act upon her gaze he always woke up, feeling lost and confused. Most of the time he tried to avoid sleep.

He thought back to that day almost a week ago, Rinoa had cried in front of him. He hadn't seen much of her since; he had a strange feeling that perhaps she was avoiding him. In any case, it had made him worry for her. He had stood there in silence watching her run away, and even after, just stood there wondering what had happened, he had almost forgotten to see Caraway. It hadn't been until Seifer approached him that he actually remembered what he was supposed to be doing.

It seemed that fate, in his opinion, was a fickle thing. Making events happen all at the same time, confusing everything together until everything felt the same; all confusing, nothing holding an answer. He hadn't had chance to speak to Rinoa about the boat and how he actually survived. He needed to know what had happened while he was unconscious.

Then there was Caraway; he could still remember the short conversation between the two as he went to visit him that day. The Mayor had seemed reluctant to speak to him in any depth of Squall's job that he had agreed to do almost three months ago after battling with Seifer.

"I hope you still remember that little debt you owe me, after killing an old friend of mine," Caraway had stated bluntly. His tone of voice held no emotion, though it made Squall feel very uncomfortable in his presence so he simply nodded his head silently.

"In Balamb we have a festival that takes place every couple of years, it's a tradition the people of Balamb take very seriously. I hope you understand that I'm asking you to do something very honorable, people in Balamb might start to respect you almost."

"I would respect it, if you told me what I had to do," Squall had stated, imitating Caraway's emotionless tone. He knew that Caraway was testing him; he could tell by the way he was looking at him, and this time Squall wasn't going to back down.

Caraway gave a small solemn nod of his head. "Rinoa is a very special girl, she is highly respected in Balamb. People look up to her, and like myself, don't want to see her get hurt. You understand?" He paused a moment, Squall's silence telling him that he should continue. "She's coming up to an important part in her life, but to reach that part she needs guidance and protection, and that is what I would like you to give her."

Squall stood silent for a moment, wondering exactly what the Mayor meant by his statement. He had expected an errand to be done, something torturous to himself by the way Caraway had always looked at him with his cold gaze. He truly thought that the Mayor didn't like him, but asking him to guide and protect his daughter? Squall was shocked. "How am I supposed to guide her?"

"You'll know when it happens. You must understand that this isn't as easy as it sounds. You may end up doing some things that your mind is telling you is wrong, in that situation I am advising you to ignore your mind and do what is right," Caraway paused, seeing that his words had only confused the soldier. "Everything will be explained when the time comes, I just thought I'd inform you. Remember what I said. You may leave now."

It had been since that moment that Squall had felt that he no longer had any control over his life. It had confused him and disturbed him at the same time, making him feel that perhaps Rinoa was not safe in Balamb. Perhaps Balamb was not as safe as he first thought? Turning away from the window Squall made his way back to his bed and tried to think about anything but his visit with Caraway. He knew that his thoughts would end up going back to Caraway's words, for he had been trying not to think about it over the last week.

Eventually morning came, he watched the sun rise as he lay on his bed and heard the first people beginning to get ready for a day of work. He turned over in his bed to face the wall, feeling the need to shut his eyes as to block out the day. He wasn't sure how long he lay there, perhaps he even dozed off for a while, but he remembered waking up that day. It was the voices that led him out of what form of light sleep he was in. He could hear shouting from somewhere within the large house, and he knew who the voice belonged to. Rinoa.

At first he just ignored it, then he thought he heard his name mentioned. Opening his eyes he made his way across the room and opened the door slightly. The voices were louder now; he could hear the low rumble of Caraway's voice. It seemed that Rinoa was the only one who was shouting.

"You know that you have no choice in this"

"Why did you have to get him involved though? You know that you should be the one to do it."

Opening the door, Squall stepped out into the corridor and looked down over the banister to see Rinoa and Caraway stood in the doorway of the house. The Mayor looked slightly hurt by Rinoa's last words. It was an emotion Squall had never seen in Caraway before. It looked odd compared to his usual solemn look.

"You know I would never be able to do that to you…" his gaze fell onto the ground.

"So you get someone to do your dirty work for you like always," Rinoa said, her voice growing quieter now.

There was silence for a long time, Squall thought that they had probably known he was watching them and stopped talking, yet no one looked at him. They just stood silent. Finally Caraway said something, his breath muttered it so quiet that Squall wouldn't have even realized that he had spoken had he not seen Rinoa's reaction. She stepped back as if in shock, then without a word left the house, slamming the door behind her, leaving Caraway alone.

It was then that Caraway turned around. His gazed looked up to where Squall stood, it was that same emotionless face again, the hurt expression had disappeared. He stopped still for a moment, before turning and walking away, ignoring Squall.

Unsure of what to do, Squall stood for a moment longer before making up his mind. He made his way down the steps and out through the front door of the house. The air was cold as wind blew through the brunette bangs of hair. He ignored it and made his way to a low wall where he saw Rinoa sat. Her raven hair blew in her face, making it hard for him to see her features. As he approached closer to her, she turned to him and smiled. He could see that it was a forced smile.

Standing in front of her he tried to find something to say to her. After a moments thought, he simply sat beside her on the wall, not saying a word. It felt better that way at the moment. They sat there for a long time; once or twice Rinoa glanced over to Squall's direction and gave a quick smile before returning her gaze the opposite way, returning to her thoughts.

It was sometime later that Rinoa finally broke the silence, feeling better after the argument from earlier. "Do you ever feel like you're trapped in here?" she asked, feeling quite embarrassed at the random question.

Squall looked at her. Almost everyday, he thought to himself. The words almost slipped out of his mouth. "I guess I do sometimes," he said, trying to be careful with his answer. He wasn't sure as to why Rinoa was asking him such things. "It's a very different place from what I'm used to."

"I guess it is…" Rinoa said, slipping back into her thoughts. She seemed to be doing that a lot recently, slipping into deep thoughts, even when she was with people. She often thought about how things were when she was a child, before her mother died. Things seemed to be so much simpler then. He father even spent time around her back then.

She turned to Squall, sensing him looking at her. "What's the matter?" she asked, seeing a strange look in his eyes.

As soon as the question was asked, Squall looked away, trying to hide his embarrassment. He couldn't help the itching question that had been building up inside of him. He had been planning to ask her, but he didn't know if he dared. Turning to face her once more, he saw the concerned look on her features. "It's nothing really," he started, running a hand through his hair. "I saw my boat yesterday."

Rinoa gave Squall a confused glance; he took the opportunity to continue. "The boat I came here on, I saw it in the harbor yesterday."

"Oh," Rinoa said looking away. "A local sailor said he was going to repair it, he said he hadn't seen a ship so well equipped before. He wasn't going to waste it."

"It looked in pretty bad shape," Squall responded, thinking back to the previous day at seeing its damaged body in the harbor, stationary like a lifeless corpse. He stayed silent for a moment, before turning to face Rinoa once more. "You've never told me what happened when you found me"

He saw Rinoa turn her head away. "The boat was in two pieces when I found it, it seems almost impossible for me to have survived. I had four other men with me," he stopped for a moment, feeling his emotions rising. "Why are they not here with me?"

Rinoa suddenly grew very silent. Squall could see that she looked very uncomfortable, but he just needed to know. He watched as she let out a small sigh. "You really want to know?"

Seeing him nod his head, she slid herself off the low wall. "Not here," she said, taking hold of his arm. "I know a place, it's only about ten minutes away from here. It'll help you understand."

She led him through the town of Balamb, and out into a large forest he had never been in before. The walk was silent, neither sure what could be said in the current mood. It was almost midday now; she eventually led Squall out of the forest and into a vast plain of grass. She stopped in the distance to where Squall could just see a sandy beach next to the sea. "Over there," she said, taking a brisk walk once more. Squall followed.

Eventually they made their way onto a small beach. Rinoa led him to a slope of rocks, which went down onto the beach. "I always used to come here to think," she said stepping on a small rock. "I was coming down here when I saw your boat washed up on the sea. I didn't think that there was anyone in the boat at first. In times of war a lot of boats sink, sometimes parts of the boats have ended up on this beach, but this time the whole boat was virtually washed up here, in parts of course, which is why I didn't think that there would be anyone inside." Rinoa stopped a moment, thinking back to the day she found Squall.

"I saw an arm from underneath a large part of the boat, but I can't remember who it was. I think it was your friend Leo. I lifted up the part of the boat and saw both of you; there was no one else. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened to your other men. You were virtually dead when I found you, it took all of my strength to help you. I should have gone back to Balamb to get help, but I was too scared to leave both of you, I didn't want either of you to die."

"What happened to Leo?" Squall asked, picturing the scene in his mind. It seemed almost impossible to have happened on the peaceful looking beach he was looking at.

"I was able to help him regain consciousness, he was awake for about half an hour," she started, trying to fight back the lump that was forming in her throat. "He told me to help you and not to bother about him. He really looked up to you, Squall. I thought he was going to survive, he was telling me about how you fought together with him in the war, and helped him when he was injured. He told me a lot of things about the war, and then he just stopped talking."

Squall watched as the tears glistened on Rinoa's cheeks as she told the story. He felt helpless, for Leo and Rinoa.

"He never woke up, I tried over and over again to bring him back…" hanging her head down, she cried softly as she felt a hand touch her arm. She felt comfort. Her mind screamed for her to tell him everything, but she knew that there were some things she would never be able to tell him. She leaned her head on his chest as she felt his arms envelope her. He held her until her tears ceased and she looked up at him once more.

"It's forbidden to bury an outsiders body in the grounds of Balamb unless they are respected. I demanded that he was buried there, but they wouldn't allow it," she looked out to the endless sea before them. "I decided that he should be buried here, it's a calm place, there's no one here to disturb you."

"He's buried here?"

Rinoa nodded her head, "Do you want to visit him?" she asked " I know it's late, but maybe you can tell him that you survived, and you're still here."

Squall nodded his head, feeling slightly shocked from everything she had said to him. He followed as she led him further down the beach where in the sand he saw a cross, marking out a grave. He felt awkward staring down at it. Buried underground before him was the only thing of his life before Balamb. The life where he was a soldier. Now he didn't know what he was. It seemed surreal looking down at the grave, and he could easily lie to himself by thinking that this grave was for someone else.

Behind him he could feel Rinoa's presence stood patiently. A huge part of him wanted to thank her, she seemed to be the only person in this town who had ever shown respect for him. He felt responsible for Rinoa, he owed her everything. She had allowed him to see what remained of Leo, if not in physical form. He felt grief within him, something he had never felt before. Grief for the only soldier who washed up here with him, and for those who never could come.

"I'm still here."

Authors note: wow it sucks! I've had a lot of bad writers block recently, very bad writers block! But I tried, it's taken me a while but I got there! I hope you all enjoyed it, if not, I can accept a flame. Hopefully I've got my inspiration back now. Thank you.