Author's Note: I'm going to try and do just the main Bible stories (Creation, Adam & Eve, Noah's Ark, Moses, etc). None of that "begat" garbage.
Genesis 2, 3, & 4: Adam and Steve and that Whole Cain mess
2:1 And everything was finished. In your face, evolution!
2:2 And on the seventh day God stopped working and rested even though he was omnipotent and couldn't get tired. Thus, the union was born.
2:3 And God made the seventh day special for a good excuse to get off of work.
2:4 These are the generations of the crap that God created,
2:5 And there were plants, but God didn't make any rain. STUPID! For a deity, you'd think he'd have some common sense. Anyway, there weren't any humans to till the earth either. Except for the ones that God created in Genesis 1:27.... And God said, Stop pointing out plot holes!
2:6 But then the sprinkler system kicked in and watered the plants.
2:7 And God sniffed some dirt up his nose. And it became a living man. Except that God already created humans. Just ignore that.
2:8 And God planted a garden in Eden, and he plopped his little living dust-booger there.
2:9 And God made some pretty trees. Plus he made the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Say that 10 times fast.
2:10 Time for a geography lesson: there was a river that flowed through Eden that split into 4 streams.
2:11 The name of the first is Pison. That's where God goes to the bathroom.
2:12 And the gold of that land is good (as if there was bad gold). Plus there's bdellium and the onyx stone. And we care....why?
2:13 And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that passes through Ethe.... Etheo.... That place where all the starving African kids are.
2:14 And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates. Just thought you should know.
2:15 And God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. The dress code was semi-formal, with casual Fridays.
2:16 And God bullied the man, saying, Eat whatever the hell you want,
2:17 But if you eat fruit form the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, you'll die. Why? Because I'll kill ya!
2:18 And God said, Ewwwww! That man shouldn't be left alone with porno. I'm gonna make him a woman.
2:19 And God made animals (for the FIFTH time) and let Adam name them.
2:20 And Adam named everything, but bestiality isn't what it's cracked up to be.
2:21 And the hit Adam over the head with a rusty pipe. And Adam became unconscious. And God thought back to his med school days and removed a rib.
2:22 And God made a woman out of the rib.
2:23 And Adam said, I'll call her "rib girl". And God hit Adam in the back of the head and called her a woman.
2:24 Now men have to leave their parents and find a woman. And they have to cling to her and leech off of her until her soul has been completely drained.
2:25 And they were both nudists. And the woman said, Stop staring at me, perv! And Adam was kneed in the groin.
3:1 Now, the snake was one sly fox. He said to the woman, Yo, did God tell you not to eat any of the fruit?
3:2 And the woman said to the snake, We can eat whatever we want, although seeing as how I'm talking to a snake right now I might want to stay away from those mushrooms.
3:3 But if we eat any fruit from that big tree in the middle of the garden, God said we'll die.
3:4 And the serpent said to the woman, God's a lying whore.
3:5 If you eat the fruit, you'll be God-like in your street-smarts.
3:6 And the woman said to the snake, What the hell. And she ate some of the fruit. Then she guilt-tripped Adam into eating some too.
3:7 Much like the victims of the pedophile priests, they now sensed that something was very wrong with God wanting to see them naked. They put on some clothes.
3:8 And they heard God walking in the garden, and they hid from him.
3:9 And the God said, Adam, oh Adam, get that tight little butt over here.
3:10 And Adam said, I heard you clomping around the garden and was afraid because I was naked - I didn't want you taking any more pictures.
3:11 And God said, &$%$#$! Who told you you were naked?! There goes my good time. Did you eat the fruit?!
3:12 And the man said, She did it.
3:13 And God said to the woman, WHAT DID YOU DO!!!??? And the woman said, It's the snake's fault.
3:14 And God said to the snake, For taking away my boy toy, you will now have to crawl everywhere... except that snakes never had legs in the first place... er... crawl lower!
3:15 And you and women will be in severe need of group counseling. You'll bite her, she'll kick your head in.
3:16 To the woman he said, Ha ha! Now you'll have to be man's slave until the late 18- early 19 hundreds.
3:17 And to Adam he said, Since you listened to that stupid broad, GET THE HELL OFF OF MY PROPERTY BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE.
3:18 And thorns will prick you in the legs, and you'll have to be a farmer.
3:19 And you'll die and be buried in the ground, you little dust-booger.
3:20 And Adam still wanted to call the woman "Rib Girl". God again smacked Adam in the back of the head, and named her Eve.
3:21 God gave them clothes. In all fairness, the clothes were so Last Tuesday, and clashed with their accessories.
3:23 So God threw the bums out of his garden.
3:24 So he told mankind to, GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN, YOU PUNKS! To protect the tree of life, he made a giant flaming sword. Not flaming like, "Heeello-o!", but literally on fire.
4:1 And Adam banged Eve, but The Pill hadn't been invented yet. And Eve gave birth to Cain. And Eve said, God gave me a very ugly, pink, fat, bald man. Then she realized that Cain was a baby.
4:2 And she got knocked-up again, this time with Abel. And Abel was a shepherd, but Cain was a farmer.
4:3 And Cain decided to kiss God's ass by offering him some vegetables.
4:4 And Abel offered god some mutton. And God said to Abel, Mmmm... sheep.
4:5 But Cain.... What were you thinking?! DO I look like one of those fruity deities that eat salads with low fat dressing while they read Cosmo?! What am I, Buddha?" And Cain was mighty pissed.
4:6 And God said to Cain, What's the matter, pansy? Baby want his bottle? BABY WANT HIS BOTTLE?
4:7 If you're popular, you must be a good person. But if people don't like you, it means you must be evil or a freak.
4:8 And Cain talked with his brother. Then he decided that it was just easier to skip the communication crap and kill the bastard.
4:9 And the God said to Cain, Where's the good one I mean where's your brother? And Cain said, What am I, his freaking baby-sitter?
4:10 And God said, What did you do? I smell blood.
4:11 You are sooooo cursed.
4:12 Even dirt will hate you.
4:13 And Cain said to God, Don't be rash,
4:14 You've made everyone hate me to the point of murder. I'll be nothing but a fugitive. I'd be.... Gasp.... Like telemarketer!
4:15 And God said, Fine, crybaby. Anyone that kills you will be screwed over 7 times.
4:16 And Cain ran the hell away from God and moved to Nod, which was east of Eden.
4:17 And Cain banged his wife (who apparently materialized out of nowhere); and she got pregnant, and popped out Enoch: and Cain built a city which he named Enoch. Real original, Cain. Real original.
4:18 And Enoch's son was named Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech. With names like those, family reunions got confusing.
4:19 And Lamech was a playa and had two wives: Adah and Zillah.
4:20 And Adah popped out Jabal. He was the father people who live in tents, a.k.a. Boy Scouts. Plus his offspring raised cattle. Hillbilly Boy Scouts.
4:21 And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all the people who play harps and organs. Many custody battles ensued when a Hillbilly Boy Scout learned to play the harp.
4:22 And Zillah, she gave birth to Tubalcain, a shop teacher. And the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah.
4:23 And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Listen to me, you hags: for I have killed people who pissed me off.
4:24 If Cain's death should be avenged seven times, then mine is at least worth seventy-seven times.
4:25 And Adam banged Eve again; and she had another son, and called him Seth: For God, said she, had given her a replacement Abel.
4:26 And had a son named Enos: then began men to yell, "Are you there God, it's me, mankind."
Genesis 2, 3, & 4: Adam and Steve and that Whole Cain mess
2:1 And everything was finished. In your face, evolution!
2:2 And on the seventh day God stopped working and rested even though he was omnipotent and couldn't get tired. Thus, the union was born.
2:3 And God made the seventh day special for a good excuse to get off of work.
2:4 These are the generations of the crap that God created,
2:5 And there were plants, but God didn't make any rain. STUPID! For a deity, you'd think he'd have some common sense. Anyway, there weren't any humans to till the earth either. Except for the ones that God created in Genesis 1:27.... And God said, Stop pointing out plot holes!
2:6 But then the sprinkler system kicked in and watered the plants.
2:7 And God sniffed some dirt up his nose. And it became a living man. Except that God already created humans. Just ignore that.
2:8 And God planted a garden in Eden, and he plopped his little living dust-booger there.
2:9 And God made some pretty trees. Plus he made the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Say that 10 times fast.
2:10 Time for a geography lesson: there was a river that flowed through Eden that split into 4 streams.
2:11 The name of the first is Pison. That's where God goes to the bathroom.
2:12 And the gold of that land is good (as if there was bad gold). Plus there's bdellium and the onyx stone. And we care....why?
2:13 And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that passes through Ethe.... Etheo.... That place where all the starving African kids are.
2:14 And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates. Just thought you should know.
2:15 And God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. The dress code was semi-formal, with casual Fridays.
2:16 And God bullied the man, saying, Eat whatever the hell you want,
2:17 But if you eat fruit form the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, you'll die. Why? Because I'll kill ya!
2:18 And God said, Ewwwww! That man shouldn't be left alone with porno. I'm gonna make him a woman.
2:19 And God made animals (for the FIFTH time) and let Adam name them.
2:20 And Adam named everything, but bestiality isn't what it's cracked up to be.
2:21 And the hit Adam over the head with a rusty pipe. And Adam became unconscious. And God thought back to his med school days and removed a rib.
2:22 And God made a woman out of the rib.
2:23 And Adam said, I'll call her "rib girl". And God hit Adam in the back of the head and called her a woman.
2:24 Now men have to leave their parents and find a woman. And they have to cling to her and leech off of her until her soul has been completely drained.
2:25 And they were both nudists. And the woman said, Stop staring at me, perv! And Adam was kneed in the groin.
3:1 Now, the snake was one sly fox. He said to the woman, Yo, did God tell you not to eat any of the fruit?
3:2 And the woman said to the snake, We can eat whatever we want, although seeing as how I'm talking to a snake right now I might want to stay away from those mushrooms.
3:3 But if we eat any fruit from that big tree in the middle of the garden, God said we'll die.
3:4 And the serpent said to the woman, God's a lying whore.
3:5 If you eat the fruit, you'll be God-like in your street-smarts.
3:6 And the woman said to the snake, What the hell. And she ate some of the fruit. Then she guilt-tripped Adam into eating some too.
3:7 Much like the victims of the pedophile priests, they now sensed that something was very wrong with God wanting to see them naked. They put on some clothes.
3:8 And they heard God walking in the garden, and they hid from him.
3:9 And the God said, Adam, oh Adam, get that tight little butt over here.
3:10 And Adam said, I heard you clomping around the garden and was afraid because I was naked - I didn't want you taking any more pictures.
3:11 And God said, &$%$#$! Who told you you were naked?! There goes my good time. Did you eat the fruit?!
3:12 And the man said, She did it.
3:13 And God said to the woman, WHAT DID YOU DO!!!??? And the woman said, It's the snake's fault.
3:14 And God said to the snake, For taking away my boy toy, you will now have to crawl everywhere... except that snakes never had legs in the first place... er... crawl lower!
3:15 And you and women will be in severe need of group counseling. You'll bite her, she'll kick your head in.
3:16 To the woman he said, Ha ha! Now you'll have to be man's slave until the late 18- early 19 hundreds.
3:17 And to Adam he said, Since you listened to that stupid broad, GET THE HELL OFF OF MY PROPERTY BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE.
3:18 And thorns will prick you in the legs, and you'll have to be a farmer.
3:19 And you'll die and be buried in the ground, you little dust-booger.
3:20 And Adam still wanted to call the woman "Rib Girl". God again smacked Adam in the back of the head, and named her Eve.
3:21 God gave them clothes. In all fairness, the clothes were so Last Tuesday, and clashed with their accessories.
3:23 So God threw the bums out of his garden.
3:24 So he told mankind to, GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN, YOU PUNKS! To protect the tree of life, he made a giant flaming sword. Not flaming like, "Heeello-o!", but literally on fire.
4:1 And Adam banged Eve, but The Pill hadn't been invented yet. And Eve gave birth to Cain. And Eve said, God gave me a very ugly, pink, fat, bald man. Then she realized that Cain was a baby.
4:2 And she got knocked-up again, this time with Abel. And Abel was a shepherd, but Cain was a farmer.
4:3 And Cain decided to kiss God's ass by offering him some vegetables.
4:4 And Abel offered god some mutton. And God said to Abel, Mmmm... sheep.
4:5 But Cain.... What were you thinking?! DO I look like one of those fruity deities that eat salads with low fat dressing while they read Cosmo?! What am I, Buddha?" And Cain was mighty pissed.
4:6 And God said to Cain, What's the matter, pansy? Baby want his bottle? BABY WANT HIS BOTTLE?
4:7 If you're popular, you must be a good person. But if people don't like you, it means you must be evil or a freak.
4:8 And Cain talked with his brother. Then he decided that it was just easier to skip the communication crap and kill the bastard.
4:9 And the God said to Cain, Where's the good one I mean where's your brother? And Cain said, What am I, his freaking baby-sitter?
4:10 And God said, What did you do? I smell blood.
4:11 You are sooooo cursed.
4:12 Even dirt will hate you.
4:13 And Cain said to God, Don't be rash,
4:14 You've made everyone hate me to the point of murder. I'll be nothing but a fugitive. I'd be.... Gasp.... Like telemarketer!
4:15 And God said, Fine, crybaby. Anyone that kills you will be screwed over 7 times.
4:16 And Cain ran the hell away from God and moved to Nod, which was east of Eden.
4:17 And Cain banged his wife (who apparently materialized out of nowhere); and she got pregnant, and popped out Enoch: and Cain built a city which he named Enoch. Real original, Cain. Real original.
4:18 And Enoch's son was named Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech. With names like those, family reunions got confusing.
4:19 And Lamech was a playa and had two wives: Adah and Zillah.
4:20 And Adah popped out Jabal. He was the father people who live in tents, a.k.a. Boy Scouts. Plus his offspring raised cattle. Hillbilly Boy Scouts.
4:21 And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all the people who play harps and organs. Many custody battles ensued when a Hillbilly Boy Scout learned to play the harp.
4:22 And Zillah, she gave birth to Tubalcain, a shop teacher. And the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah.
4:23 And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Listen to me, you hags: for I have killed people who pissed me off.
4:24 If Cain's death should be avenged seven times, then mine is at least worth seventy-seven times.
4:25 And Adam banged Eve again; and she had another son, and called him Seth: For God, said she, had given her a replacement Abel.
4:26 And had a son named Enos: then began men to yell, "Are you there God, it's me, mankind."