If You Give An Elf a Cookie
Disclaimer - Well, obviously, I don't own the elf. All I own is a cookie. *Offers it to the readers* See?
A/N - Partially based on the children's book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. :-)
If you give an elf a cookie, he'll ask for a glass of milk.
If you give an elf a glass of milk, he'll ask for more.
If you give an elf more milk, he'll try to pour it himself, and he'll spill it.
If he spills the milk, he'll ask for a napkin.
If you give an elf a napkin, he'll use it to wipe up the milk, but will end up dribbling milk all over himself, and will ask for a change of clothes.
If you give an elf a change of clothes, they won't fit, and he'll end up in your mother's bathrobe, asking for a bath to get rid of the milk that he dribbled on himself.
If you let an elf take a bath, he'll use too much bubble bath, and will flood the bathroom.
If you let an elf flood the bathroom, he'll feel bad, and will ask to clean it up.
If you let an elf clean up the flood, he'll use all of your clean towels.
If you let an elf use all of your clean towels, he'll think he's wronged you, and will ask to wash them for you.
If you let an elf wash your towels, he'll take them down to the nearest river to scrub them clean, still wearing your mother's bathrobe, and will frighten the neighbors.
If he frightens the neighbors, they will call the police, and he'll be interrogated.
If you let an elf be interrogated by the police, they'll find out that he's an elf, and they'll put him on television.
If you put an elf on television, he'll become famous.
If you let an elf become famous, he'll attract fan girls.
If you let an elf attract fan girls, they'll surround your house day and night, until he begs you to stop them.
If you open your door to stop the fan girls, they'll swarm your house, and will glomp the elf until he asks for them to leave.
If an elf asks his fan girls to leave, his words will fall on deaf ears, so that he has to beg you to keep them from glomping him.
If he asks you to keep his fan girls from glomping him, you'll have to comply, and you will have to use fan-girl-be-gone on your lawn and in your house.
If you use fan-girl-be-gone on your lawn and in your house, the elf will have sneezing fits, and will ask you to open a window.
If you open a window, the fan girls will find a way to come in through it, and you'll have to find a way to get rid of them.
If you have to find a way to get rid of them, your elf will ask if he can please just take the last ship into the west.
If you let an elf take the last ship into the west, they'll ask you to help them build it in your basement.
If you let an elf build the last ship into the west in your basement, they'll ask you to help them get it up the stairs.
If you agree to help them get it up the stairs, you'll have to hire a contractor to widen the stairs.
If you hire a contractor to widen the stairs, you'll have to explain why you want your stairs widened.
If you explain why you want your stairs widened, the contractor will tell the local news station about the elf's ship.
If the contractor tells the local news station about the elf's ship, you and the elf will end up on the evening news.
If you end up on the evening news, donations will pour in to help pay for building and hauling up the stairs the last ship into the west.
If you accept the donations that pour in, you will be able to get your stairs widened and the ship up them and into the harbor with ease, and the elf will ask if you can ask his friend the dwarf to come with him on the ship.
If you ask the dwarf to come on the last ship into the west, he will agree, and the elf will ask you to appeal to the Valar to let his friend the dwarf sail with him.
If you appeal to the Valar, they will ask why the elf didn't do it himself, but will grant passage to any mortal.
If you tell an elf that the Valar will grant passage to any mortal, he will ask you to come with him to make more cookies.
If you agree to come with him to make more cookies, you'll have to buy ingredients to make cookies.
If you have to buy ingredients to make cookies, the elf will ask you to buy milk.
If you buy milk, you will have to buy a refrigerator to put it in.
If you have to buy a refrigerator, the elf will also want you to buy an industrial size oven, so that you can bake even more cookies.
If you buy an industrial size oven, you'll have to have it delivered to the last ship into the west.
If you have it delivered into the last ship into the west, the elf will make you bake cookies the entire journey.
If you bake cookies the entire journey, upon landing in Valinor, the elf will want you to hand out cookies to all their friends and relatives.
If you give cookies to all their friends and relatives, you'll have to give them glasses of milk.
If you give them glasses of milk, they'll ask for more.
If you give them more, they'll try to pour it themselves and will spill it.
If they spill it, they'll clean it up themselves without getting any on their clothes, and will eat cookies and party until Ulmo comes home.
If they party until Ulmo comes home, you'll have secured a post as the official baker of cookies, and will be granted special privileges by the Valar.
If you are granted special privileges by the Valar, you will earn a place of respect among the elves, and will live happily ever after.
To think, all this stemmed from giving an elf a cookie.
FIN.
Disclaimer - Well, obviously, I don't own the elf. All I own is a cookie. *Offers it to the readers* See?
A/N - Partially based on the children's book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. :-)
If you give an elf a cookie, he'll ask for a glass of milk.
If you give an elf a glass of milk, he'll ask for more.
If you give an elf more milk, he'll try to pour it himself, and he'll spill it.
If he spills the milk, he'll ask for a napkin.
If you give an elf a napkin, he'll use it to wipe up the milk, but will end up dribbling milk all over himself, and will ask for a change of clothes.
If you give an elf a change of clothes, they won't fit, and he'll end up in your mother's bathrobe, asking for a bath to get rid of the milk that he dribbled on himself.
If you let an elf take a bath, he'll use too much bubble bath, and will flood the bathroom.
If you let an elf flood the bathroom, he'll feel bad, and will ask to clean it up.
If you let an elf clean up the flood, he'll use all of your clean towels.
If you let an elf use all of your clean towels, he'll think he's wronged you, and will ask to wash them for you.
If you let an elf wash your towels, he'll take them down to the nearest river to scrub them clean, still wearing your mother's bathrobe, and will frighten the neighbors.
If he frightens the neighbors, they will call the police, and he'll be interrogated.
If you let an elf be interrogated by the police, they'll find out that he's an elf, and they'll put him on television.
If you put an elf on television, he'll become famous.
If you let an elf become famous, he'll attract fan girls.
If you let an elf attract fan girls, they'll surround your house day and night, until he begs you to stop them.
If you open your door to stop the fan girls, they'll swarm your house, and will glomp the elf until he asks for them to leave.
If an elf asks his fan girls to leave, his words will fall on deaf ears, so that he has to beg you to keep them from glomping him.
If he asks you to keep his fan girls from glomping him, you'll have to comply, and you will have to use fan-girl-be-gone on your lawn and in your house.
If you use fan-girl-be-gone on your lawn and in your house, the elf will have sneezing fits, and will ask you to open a window.
If you open a window, the fan girls will find a way to come in through it, and you'll have to find a way to get rid of them.
If you have to find a way to get rid of them, your elf will ask if he can please just take the last ship into the west.
If you let an elf take the last ship into the west, they'll ask you to help them build it in your basement.
If you let an elf build the last ship into the west in your basement, they'll ask you to help them get it up the stairs.
If you agree to help them get it up the stairs, you'll have to hire a contractor to widen the stairs.
If you hire a contractor to widen the stairs, you'll have to explain why you want your stairs widened.
If you explain why you want your stairs widened, the contractor will tell the local news station about the elf's ship.
If the contractor tells the local news station about the elf's ship, you and the elf will end up on the evening news.
If you end up on the evening news, donations will pour in to help pay for building and hauling up the stairs the last ship into the west.
If you accept the donations that pour in, you will be able to get your stairs widened and the ship up them and into the harbor with ease, and the elf will ask if you can ask his friend the dwarf to come with him on the ship.
If you ask the dwarf to come on the last ship into the west, he will agree, and the elf will ask you to appeal to the Valar to let his friend the dwarf sail with him.
If you appeal to the Valar, they will ask why the elf didn't do it himself, but will grant passage to any mortal.
If you tell an elf that the Valar will grant passage to any mortal, he will ask you to come with him to make more cookies.
If you agree to come with him to make more cookies, you'll have to buy ingredients to make cookies.
If you have to buy ingredients to make cookies, the elf will ask you to buy milk.
If you buy milk, you will have to buy a refrigerator to put it in.
If you have to buy a refrigerator, the elf will also want you to buy an industrial size oven, so that you can bake even more cookies.
If you buy an industrial size oven, you'll have to have it delivered to the last ship into the west.
If you have it delivered into the last ship into the west, the elf will make you bake cookies the entire journey.
If you bake cookies the entire journey, upon landing in Valinor, the elf will want you to hand out cookies to all their friends and relatives.
If you give cookies to all their friends and relatives, you'll have to give them glasses of milk.
If you give them glasses of milk, they'll ask for more.
If you give them more, they'll try to pour it themselves and will spill it.
If they spill it, they'll clean it up themselves without getting any on their clothes, and will eat cookies and party until Ulmo comes home.
If they party until Ulmo comes home, you'll have secured a post as the official baker of cookies, and will be granted special privileges by the Valar.
If you are granted special privileges by the Valar, you will earn a place of respect among the elves, and will live happily ever after.
To think, all this stemmed from giving an elf a cookie.
FIN.