Author's Note: As for the request for the parody of Soddom, I will get to that. I sort of want to do this in the order it appears in the Bible so it's easier to read. And I am really flattered/amazed that I actually got praise instead of death threats.

Noah's Ark

5:1-32 Begat, begat, begat, begat

6:1 And it came to pass, when men multiplied like rabbits and had little girls

6:2 That God's sons saw the hot women and held shotgun weddings.

6:3 And God said, You jerks won't always listen to me because of that whole eventually dying thing, but you're still going to live to be 120.

6:4 There were basket ball players in the earth in those days, and on an unrelated note, when the sons of God shagged the women, and they got preganant, and the little brats became old and famous. Of course, being famous was easy considering that the world's population must've been 40-something people.

6:5 And God saw that men were sick little %#$$ers

6:6 And God really regretted making mankind, despite that whole knowing the future thing, which would have allowed Him to foresee this little development.

6:7 And God said, Well, I guess there's nothing I can do except commit mass genocide.

6:8 But Noah kissed God's heavenly rear end

6:9 Here's Noah's life story: Noah was a perfect man, though Jesus would go on to steal his bit…. But we'll get to that later. Noah enjoyed sunsets, fine dining, and long walks on the beach with God.

6:10 And Noah had 3 little brats, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. At least, his wife told him they were his….

6:11 The Earth really sucked before that God character showed up. What, you say that God created the Earth? Er… look over there!

6:12 And God took another look at the Earth, and would you believe it, it still sucked.

6:13 And God said to Noah, I don't like how you guys turned out so I'm moving on to Plan B: Annihilate Everything

6:14 So I need you go to Home Depot and get some gopher wood and pitch. I want you to make me a boat.

6:15 And it has to be 300 by 50 by 30 cubits. Of course, seeing as how cubits are measured with body parts and I'm freaking God, that should be plenty big.

6:16 Make a window and a door, plus make the ark have 3 stories. I figure if the project ends up bombing out, we can sell it along with my timeshare in Miami beach.

6:17 And then I'll drown everything. Babies… the elderly… innocent animals… everything and everyone.

6:18 But since you're so hip, you and your family can ride out the storm in that houseboat you're building.

6:19 And bring 2 of every animal. Er… male and female… I sort of have this thing about homosexuals, but we'll get into that later.

6:20 I repeat, two of every animal. Of course, there are several hundred thousand species of insect alone, so you really have your work cut out for you, Noah old boy.

6:21 And get all the food they'll need and somehow fit it into your relatively tiny boat.

6:22 And Noah said, Ok.

7:1 And God said to Noah, Get in your house, you sweet thang, you.

7:2 Take 7 of each "clean" animal and 2 of each "unclean" animal and put them on your ship. And Noah began flinging mud on all the clean animals to save himself some time.

7:3 But God continued, Seven of each type of bird so they don't die out, but leave behind dinsoaurs. They're just really pissing me off right now.

7:4 And make it quick, because the plan is that I'm gonna make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

7:5 And Noah thought that wiping out most of the planet was a pretty reasonable thing to do, so he went to work

7:6 And in a time when the average life span was about 40 years, Noah was 600 years old. He contributed it largely to a healthy diet and exercise.

7:7 And so Noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives went into the boat. Noah's sons promptly began fighting over who could ride "shotgun" and everyone else began asking Noah "Are we there yet?".

7:8 And every cuddly and not-so-cuddly animal

7:9 Went in by twos into the Arc. This contradicts that whole seven of the clean animals thing, but God chose to ignore that and let Noah proceed.

7:10 And in one week, weathermen everywhere were stunned to see that it was raining at an alarming rate with a high in the mid seventies, a low in the upper fifties, and a chance of severe genocide.

7:11 In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, it rained like Hell.

7:12 And it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.

7:13 And Noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives went into the boat and had extreme déjà vu.

7:14 Plus all the pretty animals which somehow fit into the boat

7:15 They went into the boat and wondered why God was repeating himself and fragmenting things so much

7:16 And the animals went in and yelled at God to get a move on with this already dull plot line, but God just shut them in the ark, for his ego was God-sized.

7:17 And the Ark, defying all rules of modern physics, floated

7:18 And it rained some more, and the Ark still floated

7:19 And everything, even Mt Everest, was covered with water. Noah silently thanked God that acid rain was not yet an issue.

7:20 The waters were 15 cubits high and this somehow covered even the highest mountains in the world.

7:21 And everything, and we mean everything...

7:22 ...Absolutely everything living on dry land died

7:23 One more time for the "slower" folks amongst us: EVERYTHING on dry land died, leaving only the people on Noah's Ark alive.

7:24 And there was a ton of water for 150 days