Author's Note: I swear to you I didn't make any of this up. Seriously. Read the Bible.
What Made Right-Wingers Horrible Bigots Against Gays
Alternately Titled: Eeeewwwwwww!!! Sodomy!!!
[Everything that I didn't cover just sort of makes fun of itself. I am particularly fond of the part where Abram pimps his wife to the Pharoah, and the part where Abraham uses a concubine]
18:20 And God said, Because the people in Sodom and Gomorrah are icky
18:21 I'm taking a road trip there, to see if they do everything exactly as I tell them to; and if they don't… And God shook his fist angrily at the sky.
18:22 And the men shrugged their shoulders, saying "Whatever", and went to Sodom: but Abraham stood there like a little kid in the Lost and Found section of a theme park.
18:23 And Abraham, who had been studying law for a few years now, cleared his throat importantly and said, Are you going to kill the goody two-shoes people as well as the jerks?
18:24 Let's say that hypothetically there are 50 OK people in the city; would you still kill everyone?
18:25 I mean, I know you're a really reasonable guy who wouldn't do anything rash. What with all that love and compassion and all the other stuff they teach us in Sunday School. You're not like that Zeus character, you're an inspiration, the epitome of compassion, the-
18:26 And God cut him off, saying, Gee, I guess you have a point. I am one helluvah guy. Tell you what, if there are 50 people who aren't total wankers in Sodom, I'll spare the city.
18:27 And Abraham answered carefully, knowing he had sealed the deal, Yeah, I just can't get over how a puny little mortal like me could even talk to someone like you. I'm not worthy to be in your holy presence.
18:28 But, let's say that you're only missing, like, 5 people: Now, I know you're wise enough not to destroy a whole city over 5 measly little people. And God said, Well, when you put it that way… if I find only 45 people, that'll be enough
18:29 And he decided to push his luck, and said, But what if you're only missing 10 people? And God said, I won't destroy the city if I find only 40 good people.
18:30 And Abraham said to God, I know I'm not in any position to speak to someone as wonderful and spectacular as you, but let's say you only find 30 people. And God said, I can't argue with logic like that, I guess if I find only 30 people I won't kill everyone.
18:31 And Abraham said, I can't believe I have the honor to speak to none other that God! Someone so marvelous, so striking and, might I add, handsome that I do not deserve to be in a room with him! But, God, what if you only find 20. And God blushed and said, I will not destroy the city if I find only 20 people.
18:32 And Abraham said, Oh, God, your wisdom is only matched by your rugged good looks and unquestionable moral superiority. So certainly it would be advisable not to destroy a whole city if you found 10 good people. And God said, OK, 10 people and I won't kill the whole city.
18:33 And God left Abraham, and Abraham smiled, knowing that he had played God like a well-tuned lute.
19:1 And two angels were passing through Sodom one night; and Lot sat near the gate of Sodom. Lot noticed them and saw some serious sucking-up opportunities so he ran to greet them and dramatically bowed
19:2 And he said, Hey, why don't you come by my place tonight… spend the night, wash your feet… No responsibilities, no attachments, and the next morning you leave. And the angels said, Er… I think we were going to just sleep in some empty boxes behind the 7-11.
19:3 And he used peer pressure, saying that all the cool angels did it and that they weren't chicken, were they? And the angels gave in, and they went to his house and ate unleavened bread while swapping stories of all their heavenly tail-chasing exploits.
19:4 But before they went to sleep, every man from the entire city surrounded the house, even little kids and senior citizens.
19:5 And they yelled, Hey Lot!!!, and said to him, Where are those cuties that went into your pad? Bring them out here so we can 'know' them. And the men winked and thrusted their hips suggestively.
19:6 And Lot went outside to talk to them, shutting his door behind him,
19:7 And said, Aw, come on guys, play fair...
19:8 Tell you what, I'll give you my two virgin daughters and you let me have the two men. Deal?
19:9 And they said, Stand back. And they said again, We know that this guy is a nark, and now we're just going to have to deal with you too, you little fink! And they charged at the man and at Lot, trying to break the door down.
19:10 But the angels put pulled Lot into the house quickly and slammed the door shut.
19:11 And the pervs outside blindly flailed around killing each other until they got too tired.
19:12 And the angels said to Lot, Got anyone else in this crap shack, I mean, lovely home? Son in laws, sons, daughters, and whoever you want to save in this city…
19:13 We're gonna burn this mother to the ground, for God is mighty riled.
19:14 And Lot went out, and told his sons in laws very smugly, Get out of here, God's going to wreck this place. Do you know what 'wreaked' means? It means that the city will go 'boom'! But they had seen enough prime time TV sitcoms to know that they were being patronized and mocked him right back.
19:15 And when the morning arose, the angels yelled at Lot to get his lazy butt out of bed and spilled cold water on him.
19:16 And while he lingered, the angels dragged him and his wife and his two daughters out of the city.
19:17 And when they were almost out of the city, they yelled, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!! THE ONLY SAFE PLACE IS THE MOUNTAIN!!!
19:18 And Lot said to them, I'm screwed
19:19 You know, I was such a nice little servant. I did everything you said, even the stuff in Leviticus - do you have any idea how much livestock I've gone through?! - and yet I'm going to die now because I can't make it to some stupid mountain!
19:20 Look, there's a tiny city over there. Can I just escape there?
19:21 And God said, What do you think I am, stupid? I'm not going to overthrow that city.
19:22 Get out of my sight and get to Zoar, maggot.
19:23 There was a pretty sunrise when Lot entered Zoar.
19:24 Then God went medieval on Sodom and Gomorrah's ass and rained fire and brimstone on it.
19:25 And God destroyed everything surrounding it.
19:26 But Lot's wife looked at the city and with a wave of God's magic wand she turned to salt.
19:27 And Abraham got up early and looked out his window
19:28 And he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and said "Holy (&$#$&#%#!!!
19:29 And God said, Whoops, forgot about that deal I made with Abraham. I guess I won't "accidentally" kill Lot.
19:30 And Lot and his daughters lived in a cave, much like Osama bin Laden.
19:31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Daddy is old and has no sons
19:32 Let's get the old fart good and drunk, then screw him so he can have kids.
19:33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn banged him, and he didn't even know it.
19:34 And the next day, the younger whore, I mean, daughter wanted her turn
19:35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger banged him senseless, and he had no idea.
19:36 And they both got pregnant via incest.
19:37 And the first born popped out a son, and called him Billy Bob Switchblade Moab : who is the father of Moabites to this day.
19:38 And the younger, she also had a son, and named him Cleetus Gunther Hunter Benammi: who is the father of the children of Ammon to this day.
What Made Right-Wingers Horrible Bigots Against Gays
Alternately Titled: Eeeewwwwwww!!! Sodomy!!!
[Everything that I didn't cover just sort of makes fun of itself. I am particularly fond of the part where Abram pimps his wife to the Pharoah, and the part where Abraham uses a concubine]
18:20 And God said, Because the people in Sodom and Gomorrah are icky
18:21 I'm taking a road trip there, to see if they do everything exactly as I tell them to; and if they don't… And God shook his fist angrily at the sky.
18:22 And the men shrugged their shoulders, saying "Whatever", and went to Sodom: but Abraham stood there like a little kid in the Lost and Found section of a theme park.
18:23 And Abraham, who had been studying law for a few years now, cleared his throat importantly and said, Are you going to kill the goody two-shoes people as well as the jerks?
18:24 Let's say that hypothetically there are 50 OK people in the city; would you still kill everyone?
18:25 I mean, I know you're a really reasonable guy who wouldn't do anything rash. What with all that love and compassion and all the other stuff they teach us in Sunday School. You're not like that Zeus character, you're an inspiration, the epitome of compassion, the-
18:26 And God cut him off, saying, Gee, I guess you have a point. I am one helluvah guy. Tell you what, if there are 50 people who aren't total wankers in Sodom, I'll spare the city.
18:27 And Abraham answered carefully, knowing he had sealed the deal, Yeah, I just can't get over how a puny little mortal like me could even talk to someone like you. I'm not worthy to be in your holy presence.
18:28 But, let's say that you're only missing, like, 5 people: Now, I know you're wise enough not to destroy a whole city over 5 measly little people. And God said, Well, when you put it that way… if I find only 45 people, that'll be enough
18:29 And he decided to push his luck, and said, But what if you're only missing 10 people? And God said, I won't destroy the city if I find only 40 good people.
18:30 And Abraham said to God, I know I'm not in any position to speak to someone as wonderful and spectacular as you, but let's say you only find 30 people. And God said, I can't argue with logic like that, I guess if I find only 30 people I won't kill everyone.
18:31 And Abraham said, I can't believe I have the honor to speak to none other that God! Someone so marvelous, so striking and, might I add, handsome that I do not deserve to be in a room with him! But, God, what if you only find 20. And God blushed and said, I will not destroy the city if I find only 20 people.
18:32 And Abraham said, Oh, God, your wisdom is only matched by your rugged good looks and unquestionable moral superiority. So certainly it would be advisable not to destroy a whole city if you found 10 good people. And God said, OK, 10 people and I won't kill the whole city.
18:33 And God left Abraham, and Abraham smiled, knowing that he had played God like a well-tuned lute.
19:1 And two angels were passing through Sodom one night; and Lot sat near the gate of Sodom. Lot noticed them and saw some serious sucking-up opportunities so he ran to greet them and dramatically bowed
19:2 And he said, Hey, why don't you come by my place tonight… spend the night, wash your feet… No responsibilities, no attachments, and the next morning you leave. And the angels said, Er… I think we were going to just sleep in some empty boxes behind the 7-11.
19:3 And he used peer pressure, saying that all the cool angels did it and that they weren't chicken, were they? And the angels gave in, and they went to his house and ate unleavened bread while swapping stories of all their heavenly tail-chasing exploits.
19:4 But before they went to sleep, every man from the entire city surrounded the house, even little kids and senior citizens.
19:5 And they yelled, Hey Lot!!!, and said to him, Where are those cuties that went into your pad? Bring them out here so we can 'know' them. And the men winked and thrusted their hips suggestively.
19:6 And Lot went outside to talk to them, shutting his door behind him,
19:7 And said, Aw, come on guys, play fair...
19:8 Tell you what, I'll give you my two virgin daughters and you let me have the two men. Deal?
19:9 And they said, Stand back. And they said again, We know that this guy is a nark, and now we're just going to have to deal with you too, you little fink! And they charged at the man and at Lot, trying to break the door down.
19:10 But the angels put pulled Lot into the house quickly and slammed the door shut.
19:11 And the pervs outside blindly flailed around killing each other until they got too tired.
19:12 And the angels said to Lot, Got anyone else in this crap shack, I mean, lovely home? Son in laws, sons, daughters, and whoever you want to save in this city…
19:13 We're gonna burn this mother to the ground, for God is mighty riled.
19:14 And Lot went out, and told his sons in laws very smugly, Get out of here, God's going to wreck this place. Do you know what 'wreaked' means? It means that the city will go 'boom'! But they had seen enough prime time TV sitcoms to know that they were being patronized and mocked him right back.
19:15 And when the morning arose, the angels yelled at Lot to get his lazy butt out of bed and spilled cold water on him.
19:16 And while he lingered, the angels dragged him and his wife and his two daughters out of the city.
19:17 And when they were almost out of the city, they yelled, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!! THE ONLY SAFE PLACE IS THE MOUNTAIN!!!
19:18 And Lot said to them, I'm screwed
19:19 You know, I was such a nice little servant. I did everything you said, even the stuff in Leviticus - do you have any idea how much livestock I've gone through?! - and yet I'm going to die now because I can't make it to some stupid mountain!
19:20 Look, there's a tiny city over there. Can I just escape there?
19:21 And God said, What do you think I am, stupid? I'm not going to overthrow that city.
19:22 Get out of my sight and get to Zoar, maggot.
19:23 There was a pretty sunrise when Lot entered Zoar.
19:24 Then God went medieval on Sodom and Gomorrah's ass and rained fire and brimstone on it.
19:25 And God destroyed everything surrounding it.
19:26 But Lot's wife looked at the city and with a wave of God's magic wand she turned to salt.
19:27 And Abraham got up early and looked out his window
19:28 And he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and said "Holy (&$#$&#%#!!!
19:29 And God said, Whoops, forgot about that deal I made with Abraham. I guess I won't "accidentally" kill Lot.
19:30 And Lot and his daughters lived in a cave, much like Osama bin Laden.
19:31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Daddy is old and has no sons
19:32 Let's get the old fart good and drunk, then screw him so he can have kids.
19:33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn banged him, and he didn't even know it.
19:34 And the next day, the younger whore, I mean, daughter wanted her turn
19:35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger banged him senseless, and he had no idea.
19:36 And they both got pregnant via incest.
19:37 And the first born popped out a son, and called him Billy Bob Switchblade Moab : who is the father of Moabites to this day.
19:38 And the younger, she also had a son, and named him Cleetus Gunther Hunter Benammi: who is the father of the children of Ammon to this day.