Author's Note: Sorry it took so long to update, I've just been really busy lately. Oh, and I seem to have a new fan...

Bluago has written long reviews for every single one of my stories. Of course, I cannot respond to all of the positive comments I receive, but it's this sort of dedication that makes me want to keep on writing. So to my friend Bluago, I thank you.

Chapter 6: Moses and the Amazing Technicolor Parody, Part I

[The rest of Genesis was basically like a Mexican soap opera. Torrid affairs with concubines, a son being disowned and denied his inheritance, two women fighting for the affections of one man, etc, etc. Watch some daytime TV to get a good idea of what it was like.]

EXODUS

1:1 For no apparent reason, here are the names of the children of Israel, which came into Egypt; every man and his household came with Jacob. U-Haul had never had such great business.

1:2 Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah

1:3 Issachar, Zebulun, and Benjamin,

1:4 Dan, and Naphtali, Gad, and Asher… And Dan and Benjamin prayed, thanking God that they didn't have bizarre names.

1:5 And Jacob had 70 kids, which is somehow connected to Joseph being in Egypt already.

1:6 And Joseph died [cue dramatic music]

1:7 And the little buggers multiplied like rabbits.

1:8 Now the new king of Egypt didn't know about this so-called "Joseph" character.

1:9 And he said unto his people, Those foreign devils are hipper than us.

1:10 Let's do them in. And so when there were any wars, the Israelites would side with the enemy of Egypt, and Egypt would pound them

1:11 Plus, the Pharaoh made them build random crap for him.

1:12 But the more the Egyptians bullied them, the more children they had. The
Egyptians were puzzled and angry, but mostly just angry.

1:13 And the Egyptians made the Israelites slaves

1:14 Being a slave, contrary to popular belief in America's Reconstruction Era South, is not fun.

1:15 And the Pharaoh talked to the Hebrew midwives, one of whom was named Puah. Really now, who names their kid Puah?! Just try not to laugh!

1:16 And he said, If one of those Hebrew women has a son, kill it. With so many men gone, I'll be a shoe-in for the Mr. Universe contest.

1:17 But the midwives decided that between the two lunatics, God was much scarier, and ignored the Pharaoh.

1:18 And the Pharaoh said to the midwives, You worthless sluts, why didn't you kill the boys like I told you to?!

1:19 And the midwives said to the Pharaoh, Because the Hebrew women ain't cheap whores like them Egyptian women. Mmmmhmmm, you go girlfriend. And they did
that thing where they you snap your fingers 3 times.

1:20 God thought that was just swell, and the Israelites waxed exceedingly, for it was bikini season. They also had tons of kids. Ahem.

1:21 And God thought it so touching that the midwives were scared shitless of him, so he built them houses.

1:22 And the Pharaoh yelled at all his people, saying, Throw all your sons into the river and kill them, or else I'll… well, I guess it's kind of hard to enforce, BUT JUST DO IT!