Author's Note: You know, saying that I'm evil or rude or whatever does nothing but encourage me to keep writing, if only out of spite.

Moses…. Part 2

2:1 And Mr. Levi committed incest.

2:2 And he knocked the woman up. And when she saw her son, she figured that he was kind of neat in a way, so, what the hell, she'd risk death by hiding him for 3 months.

2:3 And when she realized that saving a child's life, no matter how many laws it violates, is not a very good way to increase your 'bad girl' reputation, she dumped the kid off in a slimy boat on the river.

2:4 And the kid's sister watched, because everyone knows that little girls are the best at keeping extremely important, life-and-death secrets.

2:5 And the Pharaoh's daughter came to the river for some skinny dipping. When she saw the kid floating around, she assumed that he was another drunk who had fallen into the water and ordered her maids to fish him out with a couple pool nets.

2:6 But then she realized that it was a crying baby. And she said, This thing just won't shut up, I'll bet he's one of those whiney Hebrews.

2:7 Then the little girl popped out of nowhere and said, I can find someone who can shut him up.

2:8 And Pharaoh's daughter said, Go for it. And the girl ran off to find her mother.

2:9 And the Pharaoh's daughter said, I mean, what am I, Mary Poppins? I don't feel like feeding the little brat. And so he was nursed by his mother.

2:10 And he was adopted, which was the source of a lot of childhood angst and an identity crisis. And he was named Moses, because I said so.

2:11 And when Moses grew up, he saw an Egyptian killing a Hebrew.

2:12 When he made sure that no-one was looking, he killed the Egyptian and hid the body.

2:13 And when he was out walking the next day, two Hebrews walked up to him and he said, Dude, what the Hell?!

2:14 What are you gonna do, knife us like you did that Egyptian? And Moses was scared, because it's all fun and games until you have a stool pigeon around.

2:15 The Pharaoh wanted to kill Moses, but unfortunately the death penalty had been voted down. Moses ran anyway and sat down by a well.

2:16 The priest from Midian had 7 daughters, and they were all getting water to water their father's grass.

2:17 And some random shepherds came and chased them away, but Moses never missed a chance to impress some hot chicks, so he pulled the tough guy act and got them some water.

2:18 And when they came to their home in Reuel, their father said, How did you get here so fast, especially sense I apparently moved to a different village while you were out getting water.

2:19 And they said, A friendly stranger gave us a ride and then fed us some candy.

2:20 And their father said, Why didn't you invite him in? Miss Manners would be appalled!

2:21 And the father forced one of his daughters to marry Moses.

2:22 And she gave birth to a son, then uttered the line to be repeated by generations of hippies the world over: I have been a stranger in a strange land.

2:23 The Pharaoh died. The Israelites were sick of being slaves and sued God for breach of contract.

2:24 And God heard their bellyaching and remembered all those deals he had struck in Genesis.

2:25 And God thought that the Israelites were just groovy.