Author's Note: No, I didn't die. I've been playing bass guitar. But the good news is, I've regained interest in this story. Please be patient with me if this chapter isn't as good as the others; I'm out of practice.

Exodus Chapter 3 - Smokey the Bear Says "Only YOU Can Prevent Burning Bushes!"

1: Now the priest of Midian gave his "good for nothing" son the job of herding sheep, and Moses screwed that up by leading the sheep to graze in the middle of a desert.

2: And the angel of God appeared in a burning bush, and Moses looked at the flask in his hand in horror and emptied the rest of it out on the sand.

3: And Moses said, Pfft, some burning bush. The thing isn't even really "burning"--there's just fire on it somehow!

4: And when God noticed that Moses was staring, God called unto him out of the middle of the bush, and said, Moses, MOSES! And he said, Here am I... er, I mean, 'here I am". Christ, what the hell was in that flask?!

5: And he said, Take off your damn shoes! What, were you raised in a barn?

6: Also he said, I am the God of your daddy, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob... not to mention all those thousands of other people so far. And Moses wet himself and hid his face, feeling like the Cowardly Lion when he met the Wizard of Oz.

7: And God said, I head all the whining of those slackers in Egypt; "I feel their pain" (1)

8: And I'm here to free them from the Egyptians and to send them to a land full of milk, honey, and bran flakes because they help the digestion; unto the place of lots of people with funny names.

9: To repeat myself needlessly, I heard the whining of the Israelites.

10: But instead of using my omnipotence, I'm just going to send you to talk to the Pharaoh.

11: And Moses said to God, I can't even lead a friggen flock of sheep to pasture without somehow ending up the middle of a friggen desert, and you want me to lead the Isrealites to freedom?!

12: And God said, Sure, I mean... I'll help and everything... but just think, you'll be able to serve me up on this mountain!

13: And Moses said to God, When I talk to these people and tell them that God sent me, no one is going to believe me. They'll demand to know your name before they accept everything I say automatically. So what is it?

14: And God said to Moses, Frank: and he said, You shall tell the children of Israel that FRANK has sent you!

15: And God kept talking to Moses, saying, So just tell them that the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and the God of lots of other unnamed people sent you.

16: Go, and gather the senior citizens , and say to them, the God of Tons of People feels bad for you pathetic slobs.

17: And I have said, I will save you from the Egyptians and bring you tot he land of people with funny names, to a land flowing with milk, honey, and bran flakes because they help the digestion.

18: And they'll listen to you... or else: and you'll come, you and the old farts of Israel, to the Pharaoh, and you'll say to him, We talked to our God and he said that he wants you to let us go into the woods to kill animals.

19: He won't let you go.

20: So I'll just kill a bunch of people until he does.

21: And you guys will look hip compared to the Egyptians and will leave with lots of neat stuff.

22: You'll borrow their stuff and never return it. Now that there is good Christian values!

(1) This footnote is for all of you too young/ignorant/foreign to remember Bill Clinton and his classic quote: "I feel your pain." Good God I miss seeing that man in the news...