Email 33
Vaughn was picking up some beer and the LA paper at the local Safeway, waiting in line when a beautiful blonde with a full rack walks over to pick up a Soap Opera Digest.
"Michael, is it really you? God it has been forever, you remember me right? You know the loser in homeroom, the one with the French braid you always insisted on pulling and chanting 'hey, do you have the answers to problem 5 in Trig?"
"Oh, hey...yeah of course I remember you. Um, let's see what was your name again. Uh, Sarah right?"
"OH MY GOD, you remembered my name!"
To himself-'lucky guess' "Right, Sarah. Wow, you look great. SO what are you doing after surviving Jefferson High?"
"I, well, I-I am trying to make it in Hollywood. You know, be an actress on the big silver screen. But so far, things pretty much haven't gone my way. I depended on my plastic surgery to get me this gig in a commercial with the fruitastic lady, but they gave the role to a seven year old. Can you believe that? Well, I had to make some extra money. My agent said the best way to do that would be to follow in the other line of work that Hollywood has to offer. The uh line of work-" she pauses" WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING, I am just blabbing my whole life to you-better not tell my biggest crush in the history of the world that I have made porn."
"Next in line" the cashier says Vaughn glances over at the girl, whom he hadn't been the slightest bit interested in, for the first time. "You do what?"
"Porno, ok!? That is the only thing a girl like me can do to make cash. THAT IS IT! No one cares if I know how to cure cancer or if I could solve world hunger, just that I am a big chested fake blonde." She bursts out crying, "God, and to think I loved you. You always seemed so...so nice. You probably went to a good school like Brown, while I didn't have the money to even go to college. You don't understand me at all!"
"NEXT IN LINE!" the cashier yelled again.
Vaughn held his hand out to the moaning girl, "no Sarah, I do remember you. You always seemed so smart, I thought a girl like you could have done anything you wanted. Besides, I do understand what it is like to do something you are ashamed of for money."
"You do?" She wiped her eyes and touched his hand,
"Yeah, I've had to kill a man. And although he was an enemy to the united states, I just felt so horrible about having committed murder. You see, I work for the CIA now."
"You work for the CIA! Wow, isn't that difficult?"
"No! It is the best job in the entire world. I met this beautiful girl there, and well I am her HANDLER!" Vaughn said proudly.
"Oh, so I guess you are off the market."
"Yeah, I am" he smiled, "if you need money I know a place where you could easily get hired."
"Where?"
"The CIA, they are always looking for people who are beautiful and have lots of sex. That's why Sydney Bristow is their most valuable double-agent."
"So you think I could handle it?"
"If you got an A in honors Chem. and I have no problem handling Syd, you could easily handle Jack."
"Whose Jack?"
"Another double-agent. He doesn't have sex as often, so he might be fired soon. They need you Sarah."
"They need me? Gosh it is nice to be needed!"
"Yeah, the CIA really is the Central Intercourse Agency, they are for smart people who can 'handle' a lot."
"That sounds like you and me!" Replied Sarah, "too bad about you and that Syd girl. I think you and I could have been great!"
"I think so too. Maybe you could join us. A lot of people have you know."
"yeah, only if this Syd girl is as hot as you though."
"She is!" He smiles and gives Sarah a hug. After all, the plastic surgery made her look pretty hot. And he liked hot girls.
Suddenly, the cashier grabbed a gun out and pointed it at Vaughn and Sarah, "YOU Should have just paid for your things and forgot about the whole little reunion. You are coming with me. I think my boss would be pretty interested in what you have to say about agents Bristow's." Vaughn looks over from Sarah and sees Dixon looking him in the face with a gun.
"No Dixon, it isn't what you think. You don't work for the CIA, SD-6 is evil. We are the good guys. People like me and Syd, and maybe even Sarah some day. The world needs us to generate sex!"
Dixon looks over at Sarah and laughs, "Ha, you don't think I know about what Sloane has been trying to do all these years. You really think that I am that naive? The truth is SD-6 is much more powerful than the CIA, and soon we will take over the world. SD-6 stands for Sexual Dominance Unit 6. WE WILL rule the world with our missions of sex!"
Dixon pulled Sarah and Vaughn into the back of the store, where he immediately stripped all of Sarah's clothes off, and started to molest her. "Sarah...pant pant...we've got all your porno videos at SD6, they're practically necessary to watch for training."
"Really?" She asked.
"Yeah, totally, I mean, if you were to come and work at SD6, you could make training videos, and we'd pay you a lot more than for porn, because, well, you'd be helping in training, by letting agents do stuff to you too....yeah, it'd be fun."
"NO!" Vaughn yelled. "You have to be Jack's handler."
"OK, here's the deal." She said, "You will bring in your two best guys, and whomever lasts the longest, then I will work for you."
Vaughn, being the cocky, confident person he was said "Well that'd be me."
"Good." She said. "Dixon?"
"Not me." He said. "Sadly, I guess that'd be Jack."
"Good." She said. "You both go out, and come back in ten minutes, ready, and I'll start."
They both walked out simultaneously, but suddenly Dixon found himself laying on the floor, dead. "What happened?" Asked the dead guy.
"Hmmmmm..." Vaughn said. "I don't' know, but I'm really turned on."
"Hey Vaughnie." Sarah said. "Why don't you invite your Sydney here, and we can have a threesome."
"Good idea." Vaughn said. "But first, may I shoot you in the head, just to check if you're a robot."
"Why!" Sarah asked.
"Well, sex robots are the best, and we can't afford to have many non robot women in the CIA. you know, it takes down our sex quotient."
"OH." She says. "Sure...I guess."
"Well then." Vaughn said. "Now that we've got that over with, we can bring you to the CIA headquarters and give you to jack."
"Wait!" She said. "You didn't shoot me."
"I know." Vaughn said. "That was just a test, to see if you would do anything for your country, in the way of death. Because, we know, that if you're ready to die for your country, you'll get it on as much as you possibly can for them. We were never going to actually shoot you."
"Good." She said.
"Now, to the SICO headquarters."
"Can we get it on first?"
"Sure."
They have their nasty nasty, sick fun on the floor.