Email 36
"Hello, may I speak to Mr. Vartan?"
"This is he?"
"Yes, well, this is the producer of Alias."
"Oh really,"
"We would like to inform you that your contract with this show has ended."
"I AM FIRED???"
"Yes, that's right. We couldn't think of anything to do with your character so we just cut him."
"I don't believe this. So what? Vaughn just dies???"
"Yes, Syd gets a new handler, her husband needed work after Felicity
was cancelled so Mr. Foley will be the new and improved Handler."
"You know what? that is just fine! I can do much better than this stupid show good bye."
Three weeks later.
"Hello, may I speak to Mr. Vartan?"
"This is his boyfriend, Mike is busy with his ketchup. Can you
tell me who's calling so he can call ya back."
"This is the producer of SICO, Ms. Annica Berliner. We would like
to know if Mr. Vartan whould like to audition to be part of our show."
"Oh, ok. I'll just get him for you."-puts down phone 'My sexy CIA
handler some people want to know if you will audition for their
show. Gosh you look fab standing there nakid with ketchup all over you."
"Thanks, I'll get it" Vartan picks up the phone. "Hello?"
"Hello, I am Annica Berliner. My friend and I have wrote this really
great show for HBO called SICO, we think you would be perfect in the rold of Vaughn."
"Vaughn, I already played Vaughn on ABC's Alias."
"WE know, but our's is much better than Alias. WE have created
a perfect show, the audiences will love it. Get this, Vaughn doesn't
die. He couldn't! How could our Sydney, played by Pamala Anderson live with out her partner."
"Seriously? I would love to come out and play Vaughn."
"No, not so fast. We are auditioning Brad Pitt for the role. We
think we might get him, things haven't been going very well with
him and Jennifer. Rumor has it, that he needs some 'action' if you know what I mean."
"oh, i see?"
"WE could try you out for Will? You would be perfect as WIll?"
"WIll, I am downsized to WIll??? Gosh, if you are going to do that
to me, why not just cast me as Francie, I could play a better woman than play Will."
"Yes, we know that. But we got that lady from the View to play
Francie. Just come on out and audition. WE will see where you best fit."
"Fine."
Vartan hangs up the phone. "Brad, how long did you know about this SICO show?"
"Oh not too long sweethart. Oh shoot what time is it?"
"I don't know," Vartan glances at his watch, "half past six."
"Great, I have to make an appearance with Jennifer at the opening
of her new movie, "it sure can be a pain, these arranged marriages and everthing."
"Yeah, you better go."
Vartan thinks to himself-"gosh, if they think Brad would play a
better Vaughn than me,,,they are mistaken. A guy who has never
been with a woman in his entire life. Oh the rath of bisextuals." Smiles Vartan.
Meanwhile, Brad does things he has never done before with a chair. He was bored!
Who will be cast as the nasty Vaughn...
Email 37
At the movie opening. "Brad, can't you at least hold my hand? I
mean, soon everyone is going to find out that you're gay and that
this was only a mairage for apperances."
"Jennifer, I don't care, you know that I'm in love with Mike, I
don't want to cheat on him." Brad suddenly thinks about the chair
he got it on with before he left for the opening. But the chair wasn't alive, so it was ok.
"Fine." She said. "I think i'm getting a divorce from you soon.
God, I mean, I can get some good publicity if i pretend that I
actually loved you, and that you just discovered that you're gay..."
Jennifer loses herself in thought. "Yes, I think that that woudl
be good. I could have a new society mairage in a month, and then
I'd get more benefits out of this mairage appart than together.
Maybe I could even get married to my old co-star. What's his name, that guy...um..."
"I'm leaving." Brad said. "Have fun divorcing me."
"I will." She said, motioning to him vaguely.
THE NEXT DAY AT BRAD'S AUDITION:
"Like, Ok, do you want me to read something, or what?" Brad asked
the producer who was in charge of cast, who happened to be naked.
"Actually." The producer, Rachel, said. "The fact is that you won't
be talking much on the show, the thing you'll be doing most will
be, um, getting it on." Rachel turned a bright shade of red. "And
as such, we need to audition you for how long you can keep it up,
that is, keep going...that is, um, get it on, how long you can get it on."
"Oh." Brad said. "I didn't realize what kind of a show this is.
Are you saying that i'd have to get it on with a woman?"
"Yes." Rachel said.
"Oh." Brad said. "I can't, I'm sorry."
"Well drat." Rachel said. "Woudl you be adverse to getting it on wiht a chair?"
"No." Brad said. "I actually just did so yesterday afternoon."
"Well then, We'll call you back in a couple of days." Rachel sat
down on a sofa. "You can go now."
Brad left, and saw Mike walk in.
Mike got the part of Vaughn, needless to say. Brad was cast as
(who else) will, and it was all good.