JK Rowling owns Harry Potter and co. I'm not JK Rowling. You do the math.
This chapter starts write where the last one left off, so if you don't remember, go back and read it again......Oh, I see, too lazy to do that? Sigh. Fine, I'll summarize. Lily gets too little sleep and blames the marauders, mainly James. She has several stunning arguments, the last one occurring over breakfast. She likens him to a hamster and mocks him for getting a lower grade on the finals than she did. His comeback is that Lily's just jealous of his new girlfriend. Lily informs James that the very thought sends chunks up her throat. Lily walks away. End of chapter. There ya go, you lazy bums, now go ahead and read chapter 7.
Chapter 7, Why Not?
James Potter watched Lily depart with an unreadable expression on his face. Huh, he thought sourly, I know we don't get along that well, but it's no reason to openly mock me smack in the middle of the bloody Great Hall! He shook his head, Lily was being completely unreasonable.
"What's up with her?" he demanded to no one in particular. "We were just trying to have a little fun."
Remus just looked at him, his own face thoughtful. James's face wasn't quite so unreadable to someone who had been his best friend for four years. Darn, Remus wasn't going to take his side, then, just sit there thinking.
James turned to Sirius, trying to find someone to complain to. No luck there, either; Sirius was completely involved in his conversation with Peter, and Peter was completely involved in trying to keep Sirius's wild hand gestures from knocking over the pumpkin juice.
A sullen frown pasted itself firmly onto James's features, which only served to make him look cute and sulky. Too cute for his own good, or anyone else's, if you were to ask Lily Evans. And he knew it.
Slowly, an idea began to form in James's head. That was how the best ones came, not rushing, just slipping unhurriedly into consciousness. James sat, completely still, for a whole minute, letting his plans form in their entirety.
Gradually, he once again became aware of his surroundings, of the general chatter that was infecting the Great Hall now that it was getting later, and of the happy chomping of students eating their breakfasts.
James felt his right eyebrow moving up his forehead, and an evil grin forming on his lips. His plotting face, and his friends knew it well. Most people did, having often enough been of the receiving ends of various pranks from the marauders throughout the years. That face meant trouble.
Jemma, undoubtedly recognizing the signs of a prank in process, decided her time would be best spent somewhere else. She gathered Kelsey up, and both girls left as inconspicuously as possible.
Not everyone reacted to this famous visage so pessimistically. Sirius was the first to notice, though he was facing away from James and had recently sent a whole platter of scrambled eggs flying through the air with one of his gestures. He spun, ignoring the sickening thwack the platter sounded as it made contact with someone's nose.
"Prongs, you devil, spill it right now."
James could almost feel his embarrassment at the degradation Lily had inflicted on him, as it melted away. His confidence and arrogance returned, full force. "Well, you see, I was just thinking about a certain person. Surname of Evans. You know who I'm talking about?"
Only Peter was unable to refrain from stating the obvious. "Duh"
James shot him a dirty look, and continued. "Well, she's just been so helpful as to let me know exactly what makes her want to throw up."
Sirius gave a start. "You dating her makes her want to throw up, Prongs."
James was surprised. "I thought you weren't paying any attention."
Sirius didn't answer, but James thought he could hear the words "duh," "marauder," and "James you idiot" through Sirius's muttering.
"James, you're getting off topic," Remus cut off the conversation between his two friends. "What, exactly are you trying to say?"
James just grinned; his friends were smart, they could figure it out.
And they did. Peter gasped and Remus's eyes widened in surprise. Sirius was immobilized by shock.
"Wait, you couldn't—But, it's not—" Sirius knew he was stuttering but this was not your typical prank. "Surely even you wouldn't go that far. Not just to annoy Lily Evans."
But Remus had another concern. "James, what if she takes it seriously? You could really do some emotional damage there."
To his credit, James did stop to think this concern over. "Look," he said slowly, "Lily Evans is smart, first in our class. She'll figure it out."
Remus just looked at his friend.
"It would be fine, Moony," Peter piped up. "You and Evans looked pretty chummy on the train ride. If she didn't figure it out, you could always tell her."
James slapped Peter on the back. "Good man, Wormtail." He turned back to Remus. "See? I don't want to fool her or anything; I'm just looking for the shock value. It ought to send her right up the wall that I would even dare to ask her out."
He could see it, too. Lily would be so surprised, then suddenly her face would change, her right eyebrow would go up, and bang she'd get him with some witty comment. Or maybe not, James thought, the way things have been going, she's more likely to blow up in my face.
James made a face at the air in front of his head, causing his friends to smile. But he was stuck in his thoughts, and didn't notice them. Well, it was always fun to make people angry, but Lily was the only one who actually injected thought into her arguments, or at least, she usually did. It was a challenge to come off better in an argument with Lily, and James was always up for a challenge. Plus, arguing with her was so much more interesting than arguing with other people.
"Well, let's have it then," James said, pulling himself back to the present. "Yay or nay?"
"Duh," said Sirius.
"Definitely," said Peter.
Remus just looked at his friends, undecided.
"Please," wheedled James, "Oh, Moony, pretty please with sugar on top. And whipped cream and cherries and sprinkles and chocolate sauce? Please?"
"And doughnuts," Sirius added in.
"And doughnuts," James supplemented onto the list of junk food he was putting on his "please."
Remus sighed. Why had Dumbledore made him a prefect if not to keep a handle on his friends? And goodness knew how impossible that was. "Well..."
"Well?" James prompted.
"Alright, fine, but you are to make absolutely sure that Lily knows it's only a joke."
"Oh, I will," James said, relishing the thoughts running through his head. This was going to be fun.
James hadn't a clue where Lily had gone off to after breakfast, and he didn't really care. She was probably at the library, or off visiting with Madam Pomphrey, who she rather liked, strangely enough. He'd formed his plan, and he didn't need to carry off right away. Plus, it would be much better if he tried it when there were witnesses.
So, to celebrate the beginning of a new school year, a prank well-planned, and the fact that Sirius and James both had new girlfriends, the boys headed off to play some Quidditch.
Most people were settling in, unpacking their trunks, and reuniting with friends they hadn't seen all summer, and so the pitch was empty. The four friends tramped silently down to it, each thinking their own thoughts, each lit with anticipation for the new opportunities the coming year would bring.
Usually, when the marauders were playing by themselves, they split into two groups, James (Gryffindor team captain and one of three chasers) and Peter (hopeless), against Sirius (Gryffindor beater) and Remus (so-so). There was no point in using all the balls, so it was only the quaffle that they used, and both of the boys on each team played both chaser and keeper.
They spent four hours out there on the pitch, playing until sweat dripped down into their eyes, then coming down to laugh and tease, only to take off into the air again ten or fifteen minutes later. Four hours of Quidditch and jokes, and the marauders were ready to head back for a late lunch.
"Oh, come on, Moony," Sirius teased, "there must be some girl out there special enough to be your girlfriend."
"Yeah, mate, you shouldn't be so picky," laughed James.
Remus smiled at his friends, but felt a small, hurt part of him draw back. They could laugh and joke all they wanted, but he knew he could never have a girlfriend, not with his illness he couldn't. But Remus didn't want to dampen the mood, so he laughed along and tried to forget his misfortunes, at least for the time being.
Passing by the lake on their way to the school, they boys noticed a disturbance. The giant squid was basking in the noon-time sunshine, as well it should be. It was a gorgeous day, and squids and humans alike were enjoying the sunny weather.
Of course, not everyone at Hogwarts had been there before, and of the new people, several were shrieking and laughing as the squid rolled over in the lake. It was probably only looking for some peace and quiet in the sun, poor thing.
Sirius was surprised. Oh, he knew there were muggle-borns out there, and they'd probably wet their pants in amazement at some of the things wizards saw every day. But this? This was beyond pant-wetting, which was funny. No, this had progressed to offensiveness. Clearly some people didn't have any regard for the feelings of anyone other than themselves.
"Bloody, self-absorbed little prats," Sirius muttered under his breath, and he noticed his friends look at him in surprise. None of them seemed surprised at the antics of the other students. Though they certainly didn't agree with the "abuse" of the squid, neither did they seem ready to step out and let their opinions be heard.
Sirius sighed dramatically; so it was up to him to prove his reputation as the loud, obnoxious marauder, once again. He drew a deep breath.
"OY! FIRST YEARS!" They looked up, surprised.
Sirius sauntered easily into the center of the group of first years, leaving his friends with a grimace.
"Welcome to Hogwarts, I'm Sirius Black, one of the perfect prefects." Sirius puffed up his chest and tried to sound as pompous as possible. "This, dear friends," he gestured maturely at the lake, "is a Squidos Gigantuous, known commonly as the Giant Squid of Hogwarts School."
Sirius heard James give an almighty snort. Honestly, Sirius thought, for all James's leadership, he's not a great liar. If he's not careful, he'll alert the first years that I'm just a lunch bag full of bologna. And I was hoping they wouldn't figure that out for a few weeks, at least. Sirius shot James a glare that was all business, and James clamped closed his jaws on the emerging laughter.
"Now," Sirius turned back to the gullible first years, and continued his speech. "Usually, Squidos is the perfect little dear. He helps out with homework, teaches swimming, and even comforts bereaved students." Sirius smiled to himself, hearing the lies leap glibly from his tongue. It was nice being back at school. But then...
One of the first years, a girl with yellow hair and squinty eyes frowned at Sirius. "So? I don't care if your stupid Squidward can play Beethoven's fifth symphony on the piano or what. I just want to have a bit of fun with my friends." She turned around, and chucked her quill at the large lump that was the giant squid.
That was just too much. Sirius clenched his fingers around his broom, not wanting to be expelled on the first day of school for strangling a first-year.
He faked shock and concern. "Be careful," he hissed at the squinty girl, using a stage-whisper to make sure the other students could hear him. "Squidos only eats once every 228 years, but when he does..." Here, Sirius lowered his voice, and all the other students leaned in to make sure they could hear him. "BAM!" Everybody jumped. Sirius went back to his whisper, "when he does, students mysteriously disappear, ripped out of their beds at night. Students that insult him, and throw quills at them, they're always the first ones to go."
Sirius saw the looks of awe and fear on the faces of the first-years, and inside, he grinned, even as his face remained grave. His work was done, and it was time to abandon the scene of the crime. He turned to leave.
"Wait!" yelled one of the other girls, who had stringy black hair. "You said every 229 years." Two hundred twenty-eight, Sirius corrected mentally. "When...when's the next time?"
Sirius spun to face the girl. "Hadn't you heard? It was supposed to be last year, but he fasted. I'd image he'd be awfully hungry by now." And that was as good a parting shot as any.
Sirius strode back to his friends, every inch the prefect he was impersonating.
"You bloody fake," James spoke around his laughter. "Lying to first-years? How low of you."
Sirius grinned, knowing that James had enjoyed every moment of it. "I wasn't lying, just being helpful."
Remus raised his eyebrows, both of them.
"What? They were little white lies. And the first-years will benefit from them. Better if they think that 'Squidos' is going to eat them and stop being such pricks," Sirius defended himself.
"Better than what?" James wanted to know.
"Better than if we have to take things into our own hands. Being gulped down by an angry squid is nothing compared to what I'll do to them if I ever catch them abusing our squid again."
Remus looked surprised. "Is that what it was about? You wanted them to stop bothering the squid?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yeah, what did you think?"
But Remus just smiled. "Do I detect a hint of maturity? Did you just do something nice for someone other than yourself?"
Sirius looked affronted. Not because Remus was implying that he was immature, but because Remus was saying outright that he was mature. "Maturity, me? Who do you think you're talking to, Remus, the mirror?"
The marauders all laughed, savoring the joke.
"Nope, sorry Remus, the only mature one here is you. I'm just along for the ride." Sirius made a funny face. But a part of him was happy, thinking that, gosh and golly, he was finally showing signs of maturity, and it hadn't been boring at all. Maybe he could make it in the adult world after all.
At dinner that night, all the marauders were fidgety, just waiting for the right time to spring their latest trap. James in particular squirmed so much during dessert that he knocked over a whole tray of treacle pudding. Not that he minded, as he absolutely despised treacle pudding, but still.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Peter asked nervously. "What if she gets angry and yells at us again?"
"Oh, come on," James said easily, ignoring the moths playing Quidditch in his stomach. "You were on my side earlier."
"But—"
"No buts," Sirius interjected. "You're in or you're out. And besides, it's our duty as marauders to carry this out."
"How do you figure that?" Remus sounded amused.
"Well, see, Ms Evans gave us, meaning everyone within shouting distance, a guide to her life. A sort of 'What Not to Do To Lily Evans' guide. And we, as marauders, are required to ask the timeless question of 'why not?' If we don't do our duty, then who will, hmm?"
James gave an apprehensive laugh, "Man's got a point."
"Here, here," said Peter, somewhat reluctantly.
"Too late to turn back now," was Remus's response.
The four marauders shared another grin before returning to their food. This was going to be a good prank, and the thing about good pranks is their unpredictability. So the marauders sat and brooded, waiting for the perfect moment to arrive, and wondering what would happen when it did.
Finally, though, the moment approached, creeping in silently and sidling up to the table so carefully that no one spotted it. The moment waited for a mere second before tapping James on the back. He grinned. Time for action.
The author laughs cold-heartedly at all you people who want to know how Lily's going to react. Scream, yell, and throw pointy objects? (Yes, Cain's Snake, you're right, that is quite tempting) Or maybe she'll manage a witty comeback. Or maybe the act will fool her and she'll accept. And what if Kelsey finds out? And Lily's friends? Oh yes, this is an evil author indeed. She smiles and sits back to watch you suffer.
Okay, then, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was actually quite vertically able. Meaning long. Oh yes, I finally squirted out a nice, long chapter, 8 pages on Microsoft Word. (One thing I noticed this chapter is how many words started with "squ"....oh yes, everyone was squirting and squirming, and there was a squid who I called Squidos and Squidward, and goodness me, but doesn't that end up being quite a few squ's)
I'd always appreciate reviews, they spur me on, and the next chapter comes sooner if I've got something to motivate me...other than my natural talents of procrastination. Of course, you can always read my other work-in-progress, "Oddments and Essays"...I'm working on an interesting next chapter of that one. And now posted is the first chapter of a collaboration! PinkyTheSnowman and I formed a new account, SiriuslyInsane62442 and we'd both be simply spiffed if you stopped by to take a look-see at our new humor/parody fic, called "Trouble with Evil Monkeys"
Okay, and now a big thank you to all of those wonderyful people who take time out of their own lives to make mine worth living. No, not the psychiatrists, the REVIEWERS!
(Btw, the order of reviews is opposite of the order they were submitted in....it's just easier that way...)
Jedicren: Thanks so much, you make me feel so special, and yeah, author alert list is a great place to find good authors. So happy to make you laugh, too, I'm glad I'm not the only one snorting away at my computer.
Gaby-Black: My first ever reviewer and still reading my stuff. Tear. If you get a chance, read her story, "Here with Me." It's great.
Cain's Snake: Yeah! Hooked is good. I'm glad you think my story is different. I'll try to keep Lily from hurling sharp objects at James, but I can't promise anything. Maybe I'll keep to heavy objects, and just when he really deserves it.
Tritania: Wow, you speak 3 languages? I'm impressed. I speak English and some classroom French. Thanks so much for reviewing. (My username means "Penguin of Doom")
A Cute But Psycho Bunny: Yes, "wtf??!!!" A very apt description of how one feels when they find that they're in love with someone they hate...but that won't be for a while...I've got to draw it out and make y'all suffer for a trice first...and yes, Bob, Jamsie-poo.
DobbyGrl: YEAH! Five "Luv"s have to be a good thing, write? I love it when people actually enjoy the senseless drivel that pours out of me when I sit down at the computer. I'm SO HAPPY that you're enjoying this story as much as I am.
Stephxd: Yay, I'm so glad you like. Great? You think I'm great? Well I think you're great! (Lol, sorry, I couldn't resist).
Gillybear: Wahoo! My stuff is worth reading. And the updates won't be quite so quick now since I've got so much going on (drama, soccer, homework, etc, the list goes on and on). I'll still update at least once a week though, never fear.
PinkyTheSnowman: Thanks so much, as always. Muahahahaha, if you won't tell me about the piano, i won't tell you what's going to happen here. Everybody, read her "Reviving what was once thought forever lost" Which is finished..sniff, sniff. Write, Pinky?
Yes! Another chapter done, and I think I'll go do my English homework as I should have been doing all along. Enjoy, read, and review!!!!!!!!!
Le manchot du destin
(The penguin of doom)