Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, and I make no money from this work of fiction!
Sometimes Things Just Happen
ONE OF LIFE'S EMBARRASSING MOMENTS
Queen Clarisse of Genovia flew over to San Francisco for her grand-daughter's eighteenth birthday. Her entourage, of course, included her assistant, Charlotte, her Head of Security, Joseph, and this time another member of the security team, Shades. A grand party was held at the Genovian Embassy for the festive occasion, then the Genovian group stayed another week, giving Clarisse another opportunity to have Mia attend more 'princess' lessons.
One afternoon, when discussing Mia's propensity for attracting trouble, Clarisse shook her head gently. "I must confess I have no idea how you manage to get into all these situations, Mia!" She was genuinely perplexed.
"It just happens, Grandma," Mia sighed. "I don't DO anything! Doesn't that sort of thing ever happen to you?"
"Thankfully, I can't say that it has."
"Must be nice. You just don't know what you are missing!" Mia spoke wryly, with a crooked grin at Charlotte who looked back sympathetically.
"Perhaps if you PLANNED more ...?" Clarisse asked. "A princess is usually completely in control of her life, leaving no room for accidents. People look up to us, Mia, for guidance in times of stress and upheaval. These situations simply cannot be allowed to happen!" She was about to continue, but Joe cleared his throat at that point. Clarisse stopped lecturing and Mia looked over at Joe gratefully.
"Perhaps a break might be in order at this point, your Majesty?" Joe suggested.
"Oh, Grandma, PLEASE will you and Joe and Charlotte come to McDonald's with me?" Mia begged. "I've been hit by a Big Mac attack, and I'm dying to eat one!"
"A Big Mac attack?" Clarisse looked blank. Then she asked, "Is this 'Big Mac' anything like the ... corn dog?"
Mia laughed. "Not really. It's a hamburger that is just to die for! Please, will you come? You and Charlotte and Joe? Shades can drive."
Not quite certain how she found herself inveigled into this adventure, Clarisse reluctantly agreed. Very shortly, she, Mia and Charlotte were ensconced in the back seat of the limousine while Shades and Joe occupied the front seat.
Mia leaned forward. "Shades, turn right here, and park way in the back of the parking lot. We don't need any more fanfare than we already have with the flags!"
Clarisse eyed the fast food restaurant with faint distaste, but went inside with the others, refraining from cringing at the level of noise inside. Mia went right up to the counter to order, and the server grinned at her. "Bringing the parents and grandparents for a real treat, are ya?" he said.
Laughing, Mia nodded, glancing at Charlotte and Shades who blanched at the thought of being considered Mia's parents.
The server continued, "The old folks can maybe find a seat for you all. You and your Mom and Dad can wait for the food and bring it over."
"Grandma?" Mia turned to her grandmother, fervently hoping she had not heard the server's comment. "Do you want to go find a table ...?"
The server broke in, raising his voice and saying to Clarisse, "Ma'am? The food'll be a few minutes. You and your husband can go sit down, if you want."
"My ...?" Clarisse began, somewhat indignantly.
"Come, my dear wife," Joe put his hand under her elbow, a twinkle in his eyes as he looked at the other three. "Your daughter here, her husband, and, of course, your grand-daughter are all perfectly capable of bringing over a few trays." He steered a rather resistant Clarisse to an empty table in the back corner of the crowded room.
Charlotte's face suffused with colour when she realized that not only was she being considered Mia's mother, but she was also supposedly the queen's daughter AND Shades' wife! Shades, meanwhile, just adjusted his glasses and smirked at her. Mia watched as Joe and Clarisse found a table for six. Joe sat down immediately, but Clarisse pulled out a handkerchief and wiped off the seat before she sat. Then she ran the handkerchief over the table in front of her, a faint frown on her face. Joe leaned forward and said something to her, and Clarisse's face relaxed into a smile as she replied.
It was a lot of fun for Mia to watch as her grandmother eyed the Big Mac burger when it was placed in front of her. Clarisse looked around at the others in the restaurant, then back at the burger in front of her. Then she glanced up at Mia. "I would prefer to eat it with a knife and fork, my dear. It's rather messy and it doesn't appear to be a very dignified item to eat with bare hands."
Shades and Charlotte, who had both taken a big bite out of their burgers, both immediately put them down. Joe leaned forward with a smile, put his hand on Clarisse's, and said in a low voice, "Clarisse, my dear, you are supposed to experience this Mia's way. Would it hurt to try? No one here knows you are a queen. As far as they know, you are my wife, and Mia has brought us here for a treat. Now, eat up like everyone else!"
"You ARE brave!" Shades muttered to his boss.
"Or foolhardy," was Charlotte's murmured comment.
Clarisse tightened her lips, then withdrew her hand from Joe's. "Very well." Her rather clumsy attempts to get the Big Mac into her mouth in order to take a dainty bite were a source of inner amusement for everyone else at the table, but they all studiously and courteously ignored her while they ate themselves. She resorted to the paper napkins to wipe her lips and fingers after every bite, longing in vain for a damp, heated cloth.
Shades and Joe, finishing first, looked over at Mia. "Thank you, Mia. That was delicious," Joe said.
Mia smiled gratefully at him. "Thank you. Would you two like another?"
"I would!" Shades spoke up immediately, and Joe nodded. "But I'll get these," Shades continued. "Thank you for the first one ... I'll go, Joe. What do you want?"
"Another ... Big Mac burger, please, and maybe some fries." Joe said. "Anything for you, Charlotte?"
Charlotte shook her head quickly. "No, thank you." She still had one bite of her burger left, and most of her drink.
"Your ... umm, Clarisse?" Joe glanced around quickly to see who could hear, then looked at the queen.
"No, thank you."
Shades threaded his way to the counter and ordered again. Then Mia looked at the other women. "I have to go to the bathroom -- either of you want to come?"
"I will," Charlotte said, having finished her burger and wanting to wash her hands.
"I will, too," Clarisse said. She pushed the rest of her burger into the middle of the table. "I can't finish this. Joseph, could you throw this out, please?"
"I'll just eat it," he grinned at her, picking it up and biting it right where her mouth had been. Clarisse averted her eyes, horrified to realize she had had the sudden stray thought that she wished he had been tasting her lips instead of that horrible burger!
The three women made their way to the washroom, Clarisse stopping in shock as they went through the door. "What kind of rest room is this?" she demanded. "Where are the chairs? And only one room?"
"There are three cubicles, Grandma," Mia said quickly. "It's just a fast food place, nothing fancy."
"Cubicles?"
"Look," Mia showed her. "Haven't you been in a public washroom ever? Oh, I guess you wouldn't need to be, would you?"
"No." was the brief answer.
"Well, Mom tells me to always wipe off the seat, then to line it with the toilet paper, then sort of squat over it so you never really touch the toilet, because you can catch a lot of disgusting things from a public washroom." Mia grinned. "But I never bother. They clean them often in restaurants, and disinfect them and everything. You just go in, turn this knob to lock the cubicle, then do your thing and flush afterwards."
"If I wasn't desperate, having had too much tea before we left, I would not bother," Clarisse said.
Charlotte laughed and agreed, then went into one of the cubicles. Mia looked at Clarisse again. "You okay? I gotta go, too."
"I'll be fine, Mia. I can do this," Clarisse assured her. She went into a cubicle and carefully locked the door as Mia had shown her. Then she eyed the toilet, and, following Helen's instructions, wiped it off and lined it with the little squares of paper. She made a face at the rough feel of the paper, then reminded herself that this was just an experience, and would never have to be repeated. It was very awkward trying to squat over it, and she finally gave up and sat down, cringing.
Clarisse jumped a little when the toilet on one side of her flushed, then the other moments later. Mia and Charlotte were finished already? The two washed their hands at the sink, discussing the taste of the burgers and debating the merits of drinking soda out of a straw as opposed to a milkshake. Clarisse continued to sit. She had to go, badly, but the lack of privacy was very inhibiting.
"Grandma?" Mia said at last. "We'll see you back at the table, okay?"
"Fine. I'll just be a minute," Clarisse said.
The minute they were out the door and she was alone, Clarisse was able to complete her business quickly, wincing slightly as she used the toilet paper provided. She stood up, got ready to leave ... and couldn't open the cubicle door.
Incredulous, Clarisse turned the knob both ways, pulling and pushing it. The door didn't budge. Clarisse took a deep breath, willing herself not to panic. She could get out of this. Very calmly and deliberately, she tried turning the knob again. It didn't move. Her eyes went up, but the walls and door of the cubicle, although not right to the ceiling, were much too high and she realized there was not enough space to climb over them, even if she could have figured out how to manage such a feat.
Swallowing, she looked down. The space underneath was only shin-high. Could she possibly ...? She eyed the rather grungy floor, and looked down at her pale blue suit and shuddered. Clarisse struggled with the door again, turning the knob this way and that, pushing, and even resorting to banging it with her shoulder. Her final attempt caused the knob to break off in her hand, and she stood staring at it stupidly.
After a moment, she looked up again. There HAD to be a way. Perhaps if she stood on the toilet, she could somehow shimmy up the wall? No. The six inch space was much too difficult to navigate. It would be worse to be found hanging mid-air than to remain where she was. If she were to lie down on the floor, could she make it out underneath? Clarisse imagined someone walking in on her when she was partly in, partly out, and shuddered again. No. Not to mention what her suit would look like should she try it. She would just wait. Mia would be back in to look for her shortly. Joseph would make sure of that. He was very protective, and did not allow Clarisse out of his sight for long when they were out in public. Of course, that was his job, Clarisse conceded to herself, but somehow she felt it was something more for him, and that comforted her immensely.
Back at the table, the men were finishing eating. Joe kept looking over to see if Clarisse was coming, and when she hadn't appeared after five minutes, he said to Mia, "Could you go check on your grandmother, Mia?"
Mia hurried into the washroom. "Grandma?"
"Oh, Mia, I'm so glad you're back! I can't get out of here!"
"What do you mean, you can't get out?"
"The knob broke off, and I'm locked in!" Clarisse sounded frustrated.
Mia's eyes immediately went up ... no, Clarisse would not be able to climb over, nor could anyone else. She looked down at the floor and winced. "I suppose you're going to say that queens don't slide, right?" she said.
"If you think I intend to get down on the floor and come out that way, you are sadly mistaken." was the response.
"I'll go get Charlotte. She might know what to do."
"Get Joseph -- he can take the door off for me!" was Clarisse's dry response.
Mia hurried out and conferred with the others.
"She's WHAT?" Shades blurted out. "HOW could anyone get stuck in ...?"
Charlotte glared at him and he snapped his mouth shut.
Hearing someone else walk into the room, Clarisse thought it was Mia again. "Mia, darling," she said, "What did Joseph say?"
There was silence.
"Mia?" Clarisse asked again.
"Uh, no, actually. Were you expecting someone?" the woman asked, running the water in a sink, evidently washing her hands.
"My grand-daughter ..." Clarisse felt foolish, and angry at fate for putting her in this situation.
Then Mia was back with Charlotte. "Grandma? Joe said he wants you to try wiggling the lock while we hold the door in various positions ..."
"Oh! She's locked in?" the other woman asked. Her eyes, too, went up ... as did Charlotte's. "Uh, oh," was her next comment. "Oh, dear. Such a shame that your poor granny is the one in there instead of you or even your mother," and she smiled apologetically at Charlotte. "After all, you're probably far more agile and able to slide underneath the door than an elderly woman ..."
"Are you trying to goad me into lying on the floor and sliding out?" Clarisse said, almost icily.
"Oh, no, dearie. I wouldn't think of it!" the woman looked offended and backed out of the room, muttering something about people acting stuck-up, and "Who does she think she is, anyway? Royalty? Just because she's in her throne room! Hmphh. Queen of the Can is MY guess!"
Mia met Charlotte's eyes, and miraculously they both managed to stifle their laughter before Clarisse could hear them. Then a peculiar noise came from the cubicle. "Grandma?" Mia asked, hesitantly.
Peals of silvery laughter met her question, and now Mia and Charlotte both laughed as well. "All right, Charlotte, my dearest daughter," Clarisse said at last. "Go get your husband and mine to get me OUT of here, and I will be eternally grateful!"
Charlotte choked and Mia laughed again. "I LOVE it! I think it's so funny that he thought you and Joe were married, Grandma, and that Charlotte and Shades were, too ... and were my parents!" she crowed. "I'll keep you company, Grandma."
Charlotte obeyed quickly. In a moment, Joe and Shades were at the door of the ladies' room with the server. The young man leaned in and said to Mia, "Too bad it was the old lady ..."
Joe took him by the shirt at the neck and said through his teeth, "If you know what is good for you, you will keep your mouth shut and get her OUT of there!"
"All right, all right! Sheesh! Just trying to say if it had been her," and he pointed to Mia, "or even her MOTHER," and his finger jabbed at Charlotte, "she could have just got down on her stomach and slid out! But since it's your wife ..."
"Clarisse, my darling," Joe said silkily, with a wicked glint in his eye while Mia, Charlotte and Shades grinned widely, "Shall I refrain from killing him so that you may have the pleasure?"
"Thank you, Joseph dearest," came the overly-sweet response from the cubicle. "Perhaps our daughter or grand-daughter could do the honours for me if no one can manage to get the door off the hinges and free me from my prison."
The server gulped. "I'll go see if I can find a screwdriver or hammer or something."
"That might be best," Joe agreed. The server went out, and Joe said quickly and urgently, "Your Majesty? Can you wiggle the lock?"
"No," Clarisse said. "It already broke off in my hand."
"All right. Shades, the door is going to have to come off the hinges."
The server came back with the cook, both very apologetic because no tools could be found. By now a crowd was gathering to see what was going on, and people were standing in the doorway offering suggestions as to how the woman trapped in the cubicle could effect an escape. Clarisse stood in the cubicle, her hands clenched at her sides, and her eyes closed. This couldn't be happening. Bad enough that she came to this ... fast-food place which she refused to dignify with the name 'restaurant' ... with Mia, or that she had been mistaken for Charlotte's mother and Joseph's wife ... well, THAT wasn't so bad, she conceded, but to be locked in here and have so many witnesses to her misfortune, THAT was not to be borne!
Joe and Shades tried wrenching the door off, to no avail.
"We need Superman," Mia said.
The cook found a piece of pipe in a back room, and Joe tried to pry out the pins. Then Charlotte suggested that they try kicking the door in.
"No," Joe said immediately. "Too much risk of the door hitting my darling Clarisse."
Clarisse, still feeling the sting of humiliation, had to smile to herself. Joseph was definitely enjoying his opportunity to use endearments when speaking to or about her! She was a trifle surprised to find that she liked hearing them. Rupert had never used any, saying that best friends didn't need that sort of thing.
"I still think it would be easier for her to just slide out on the floor," the server muttered.
Shades and Joe finally managed to get the door off the hinges. Clarisse stepped out, and said coolly to the young man, "Queens never slide." Without waiting for his reaction, she swept over to the sink, fastidiously washed her hands and dried them on the paper towel, two clearly visible flags of colour on her cheeks the only sign of her feelings.
"Queens?" the young man gulped, remembering someone muttering about a limo with flags in the parking lot being in the way of the drive-through lane.
Shades melted away, eager to get out of the women's washroom and knowing that the queen would want the car brought up to the door so she could make her escape. When Clarisse was finished drying her hands, the crowd of gawking onlookers parted to let her through. Just before vanishing out the door, she spoke airily to everyone, "The show appears to be over. Goodbye, fast food people!"
Joe, Mia and Charlotte hurried out after Clarisse, and Mia couldn't resist calling back to the server, "She's been named Queen of the Can!"
"Princess Mia!" Charlotte gasped, when they reached the parking lot.
Shades quickly brought the car up and everyone got in. As he pulled out of the McDonald's parking lot, Mia said admiringly, "Grandma, you are truly incredible! Your poise in such situations is amazing! I hope I can be like you someday."
Clarisse just closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the seat, willing her colour to recede. She wondered if she would ever feel comfortable in San Francisco again, outside of the Genovian embassy!
Mia then grinned widely at Charlotte and added smugly to Clarisse, "And now you know what it feels like to have things just happen!" She was very glad that for once it hadn't been HER in that awkward situation!