Ashley sat alone in an office at the precinct, trying to chip what was left of the polish from her fingernails. She couldn't turn her mind off. Olivia's voice resounded in her head "A Guardian Ad Litem will be appointed for you, that's someone who will represent you in court…no, you are going to foster care, just until it can be sorted out who you will live with…no, your mother did want you but we felt it in your best interest to go to foster care…no, you can't go back to your dad's apartment…"
Her eyes burned. The police believed her. She really hadn't thought they would. She certainly hadn't thought they would take it this seriously. But if the detectives knew everything would they still feel the same way? They knew her father had cut her, forced her…
And yet there was so much left unsaid. How could she explain that because he was so horrible at times, it made the times he was nice stand out that much more? Maybe he really was a good person… she was always trying to find that magic key that would make him be nice all the time. And that was the part she felt to ashamed to tell the detectives about- that she'd given in at times because she couldn't stand her father's look of disappointment when she protested. She had felt so strange when he bought her fancy see-through nighties to sleep in; she hid them under her pillow and wore her t-shirts instead. But then he kept asking and asking, telling her she shouldn't be ashamed of her body. When he first touched her he said she mattered more than anything in the world. She felt sick and confused. He told her he needed her. He was shaking when he pulled her close- she wanted him to stop but he seemed so vulnerable, so lonely. "Your mother left me and I have no one. You are all I have…"
Ugh. She got up from the chair and vomited in the garbage bin. Or mostly in the garbage bin. Hastily she looked around for paper towels, anything- as Elliot tapped on the door. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!" Ashley stammered, trying to wipe her burning face with her hands. She stared at the floor, hearing Elliot's footsteps retreat and return.
"Hey it's okay. I have kids." Elliot said, handing her napkins then a can of ginger ale. A scared look crossed Ashley's face for a brief second then passed. Elliot could read her mind. No, he thought, I would never hurt my kids. But of course she'd wonder, it's what she knows.
"You have really been brave today." Elliot said.
"But I don't feel brave. I just feel scared."
Elliot was quiet, looking into Ashley's watering eyes. He'd gone in to check on her, sensing something, he wasn't quite sure what. Maybe he had just needed to reassure himself she'd be all right. "You can get through this." He said. She reminded him of a feral cat his daughter Elizabeth had tried to tame. Timid, with that look of uncertainty…the cat had hovered on the edge of the porch as Elizabeth had coaxed it, torn between certain safety and the desire to trust.
"I feel bad." Ashley said. "I mean, are you going to arrest my dad? What if…what if he was right?"
"Right about what?" Elliot asked softly.
"He said he loved me too much. More than he was supposed to." Ashley coughed. "But that he still loved me all the same."
"Ashley, do you believe that?"
"I don't know." She paused. "No, I guess I don't."
"Those were lies Ashley. He hurt you and betrayed your trust. Remember that, okay?"
"Okay." Ashley said. She was suddenly exhausted.
"This is my card. If you think of anything else, or you need to talk, my number is on here okay?" Elliot handed her his card.
Children's Protective Services came a short time later. Watching Ashley leave in their custody, face crumpled like she would cry any minute, Elliot felt his fists clench. Right then he wanted to wring her father's neck.