Summary: Okay, this is in a way a 1x2 get together, but it's got a little bit of another storyline. Um, Duo's been gone for 4 years, the others don't know where he is. And if you want to see what happens, you're just going to have to read it.

Warnings: 1x2, future lemon, language, self-mutilation, almost attempted suicide

Notes: I've been signed up for a while now, but I just haven't had the time to do anything about it. This is really my first serious fic, and I don't kno how I did, so will ya'll please enlighten me??? Tell me if it will be better if I did it in first person, because I couldn't decide, so you tell me…kk? Read and REVIEW!!! Por favor!

"blah"talking

'blah'thoughts

/blah/song lyrics

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, I just use them for my personal enjoyment, I make no money, though I wish I did. If you did just happen to sue me, the most you'd get is my bottle of toothpaste. Lyrics from Staind 'Yesterday' off of their CD Shades of Grey (good CD ya'll should check it out)

Live For Me

By: Ebony Black

A lone figure stood out on the pier, the wind twisting about him as if to peel off the very skin he wears and show his secrets to the world. At least, that's what he thought. Taking another sip from the bottle in his hand, he decided to wallow in his self hatred a little longer. 'Goddamnit, it's been four fucking years. Four fucking miserable years.'

The figure jumped at the thought, why were these past four years so miserable? Now was as good of a time as any to try and figure out why. At least, while his brain was clouded, he wouldn't have to truly feel the pain the years had brought. Each memory would have a haze over it, so he wouldn't have to deal with it right then.

But for the life of him, he couldn't remember what the hell went wrong. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was that he just didn't want to remember. But somewhere in the back of his mind, something was screaming and tearing at his conscience to remember. Something that held great importance, something, that if left alone would explode and he would go crazy. Well, if that was possible.

/You don't know what you've put me through

It's okay, I've forgiven you

But in some way, hope it fucks with you

Hope it fucks with you/

Ah, that's right, the anniversary of the end of the war, as well as the end of the Mariemea skirmish. He was starting to remember the excruciating details of that night. The night of which the 5th anniversary was tomorrow, and he didn't want to remember. But his conscience tended to have a sadistic streak, and it wouldn't let him forget.

The night that everything fell apart, the night when he finally realized that he was no longer needed. No one in the world had a place for a street orphan made ex-gundam pilot. Not even his old comrades had enough room in their heart to open up to him and help him find his place. At least, that's what he told himself.

That night, the night that Heero had stopped Mariemea and saved the world, again. The night that Relena had seen to it that Heero was put into the best medical center in the world. The night that everyone in the universe had looked upon Earth with great joy, whilst Duo had looked upon it with empty indifference. That night, he had slipped into the shadows, and became only a memory to those who once knew him, and a legend to those who had only heard about him.

That night, he'd lost it.

/That I'm okay and I've made it through

But who's to say what you're going through

I'll say no names. Though I've wanted to

Isn't it strange how it seems like…/

He lost complete contact with the others shortly after that. He hadn't even had the nerve to go and see Heero to say goodbye, the love of his life, though Heero never knew it. But why would Heero want him anyway, he had the Queen of the World bowing to his feet, able to give him everything he'd ever want, when all that Duo could give him was memory and despair.

The whole time he was planning where he was going to go, and how he would get there without being traced or caught. He knew that the whole time, he had his war mentality on. He couldn't let the feeling of being lost overcome him, or else, he'd lose it and go on a rampage.

That was just something he couldn't afford.

Duo had hoped that somehow he would be able to pull out of his misery and get on with his life. That he could somehow wake up one morning, slap himself, and say 'Jesus Christ Duo, get a grip!' And everything would fix itself. But that never happened. He'd admitted himself into psyche wards, talked to doctors, taken drugs. But it all just wasn't helping, not in the least. He just couldn't let go.

And he couldn't stay in the same place for a long time.

In a way, he thought that it was fortunate that his paranoia had continued. Or else someone would have found him by now. But just in the back of his mind, he knew that he wanted someone to find him, see what he'd become. He wanted someone to hate him. At least, if he knew that someone was disgusted with him, it would be easier for him to be disgusted with himself.

He felt completely obsolete, useless, and he couldn't handle that. At least during the wars, he had a mission to accomplish, a goal to achieve, now he just couldn't think of anything worth living for. And that thought brought him to his next question. 'Why am I still here? I was never truly real anyway. I was an orphan, with a made up name. I lived off of the agony and death of others, even the ones I loved. The only real thing about me was that I never once told a lie… but now that I think of it, I never said that I couldn't be one.'

At this realization, the agony in his heart swelled to the point of despair. 'Boys don't cry, boys don't cry, boys don'- He choked on a sob. His body trembled, though no tears entered his eyes.

'The only reason I made it this far is because I killed all those around me. I think…I think it's time to put Shinigami to rest, for good.'

With this new mission in mind, he decided that maybe it was time to contact the others, just so that they had some kind of closure. Even if they felt that he wasn't worth the time of day. It was time to take up the jester's mask, for one last act.

/Yesterday, a boy and already afraid

Locked deep inside, my place to hide

To hide from how you make me feel

And I wonder as your brother

Did you end up fucked up like me?

Lost in yourself, crying for help it's safe to say…/

The process of quitting his job was simple enough, all he had done in the past few years was carry out menial tasks. He still had enough of the 'soldier's fund' that Relena had established to support himself. He had taken all the money out of his bank account right before he left, so that he didn't leave a trail for anyone to follow. Old habits die hard.

For the past four years, he had simply thrown himself into anything that he could find, just so that he didn't have too much time to himself. He no longer had any control over his life, simply existing and making it through. There were of course difficulties, like people recognizing him and either wanting revenge or wanting to expose him. In those situations he had simply walked away and moved to a new area. But there were times in some places where some drunk-bastard had thought that he was simply a pretty little piece of ass. He tended to make sure that whenever his thoughts strayed into that area, he found something to occupy his attention quickly, he couldn't afford to have too many scars to cover, lest someone decide that they wanted to 'take care of him.'

But despite all this, the separation from his newly found friends was difficult. They had become close in the short time that they had known him, though they could never even fathom what went on in his head, they had accepted him and shown him kindness. For that he was grateful, but he knew that his new task was more important than the possible heartbreak that could befall his comrades.

/I learned to live without my pride

Just a shell, with me stuck inside

A prison, not a place to hide

Not a place to hide/

The courage to face his old time friends, however, was another matter altogether. He feared that they might all of a sudden care about him and that they might decide that he needed help. But most of all, he was afraid that his drive to accomplish this one last thing would wane, and he would chicken out. He had strayed away from saying that he was going to kill himself, because it made the whole act sound cheap and like he was using it as a scapegoat, when in fact, he wholly believed that he was doing it for the betterment of the world.

The whole week leading up to the meeting he had arranged for Quatre to call, he had been a nervous wreck. The look on his old time friend's face was enough to make Duo pale and wish he had never burdened his friend. The look on Quatre's face shone with pure joy, and Duo felt even more anguish by realizing that by showing his friend that he was alive and giving him that reassurance, he was going to strip it all away. By the time that his shuttle had arrived, he had to wear long sleeves in the August heat. 'Jesus Christ, here I am ready to kill myself, and I'm worrying about meeting up with my old friends.'

Contrary to the belief of the few who had discovered his favorite pastime, he didn't cut himself to kill, or to inflict pain. He did it so that he could feel in control of himself. He could stop if he wanted, or he could keep going, it was his decision, not someone else's. But then, he almost felt as if it was his duty to cut himself. He had taken so many lives and shed so much blood, he felt obligated to 'hurt' himself to help repent for all the wrong he's done in the world. By cutting, he felt as if he was bleeding out just enough guilt and shame to maintain enough control to get through another day, another day of accumulated self-hatred.

/That I'm okay and I've made it through

But who's to say what you're going through

I'll say no names. Though I've wanted to

Isn't it strange how it seems like…/

By the time that the taxi had arrived at Quatre's mansion on L4, he was ready to jump out on the highway and just get hit by a truck. On the outside he looked like a cool, happy-go-lucky kid with an attitude, but on the inside, he was squirming. He got a few awkward looks from the other people around because of his long sleeve shirt in the mid-August heat, but he brushed them off with a smile and a shrug.

Walking up to the door had to be the longest walk of his life, even though it was only a few yards from the car. The sweat rolled down his back, and he didn't think that it was from the heat. His hands started to squirm as he acknowledged the butler, who in turn told him that Quatre and the others were in the back, on the patio. He reached for his braid, and began to fiddle with it, a nervous habit he had picked up as a kid.

As he approached the back door, he thought of backing out and just not showing, and walking away. But just as he was about to draw his hand away from the door knob, the door opened.

"Duo."

Fuck.

/Yesterday, a boy and already afraid

Locked deep inside, my place to hide

To hide from how you make me feel

And I wonder as your brother

Did you end up fucked up like me?

Lost in yourself, crying for help it's safe to say…/

Quatre gave him a kind smile, and gently ushered him outside, as if reading his mind and its desire to bolt.

Quatre stepped out onto the small but cozy balcony before him, "Guys, Duo's here." He said it so softly, as if he was afraid of scaring him away.

Duo took two tentative steps out onto the balcony, and he wanted to die right there, and call it a heart attack.

His friends studied him, and he could see the wheels churning in their heads, cataloguing the changes in him. He barely grew, and now stood at a mere 5'8''.

His braid had grown, but only slightly, and now almost brushed the backs of his knees. His eyes still held the radiant violet that always baffled him. If he was so miserable, how could his eyes look so cheerful? He had kept his slim but strong figure, his various jobs that he had taken had consisted of manual labor. He was in a long sleeved, black shirt, that hung over his hands, with some biker rally on it. He wore tight jeans that rode low on his hips, and were so long that he had to fold them up at the ends, and they still flopped over his old beat up sneakers. Even though his life had taken a turn for the worse, he still retained his flirty posture and oblivious look, like he was teasing when he didn't even realize it.

His friends, however, had shot up in height like you wouldn't believe. Quatre, little short, cuddly Quatre was now at least 4 inches taller than Duo. He was in a white polo shirt and khaki's, exactly what Duo had expected. His eyes shone their aquamarine hue brighter than ever. His muscles still retained their trim look, and if Duo wasn't interested in another certain person, he would say that Quatre was sexier than shit, but of course, Duo didn't think this.

Wufei had shot up as well, and was a few inches taller than Quatre. He still kept his hair in its customary ponytail. He was still muscular, but had lost his old customary garb in favor of fitted jeans and a white tank top. His onyx eyes shone with a certain amount of joy at seeing his old time friend again.

Trowa was still taller than all of them, by a few inches now, and still in his tight jeans that Duo always wondered how he put them on. But instead of his black turtleneck, he opted for a simple green t-shirt. His muscles bulged more than ever, and Duo was somewhat intimidated.

Duo's eyes roamed and he didn't spot Heero anywhere. Some unknown place in his heart shrieked in agony, but he squashed the feeling of the loss before it could show on his face. He was probably somewhere tropical with Relena.

Duo offered a bright smile, "Hi guys, long time no see."

"Duo, it's good to see you." Duo gave a startled look to Trowa, and immediately saw the personality changes in Trowa, and ached at the fact that he hadn't been here to experience it.

"Maxwell." Wufei nodded, and looked apprehensive, and then smiled. Duo was astonished; he had never seen Wufei smile before.

"Duo, how have you been?" Quatre smiled at Duo, in what was supposed to be an encouraging manner, but it only made him feel worse.

"I've been better, but I have a plan." That was all he said, at least it wasn't lie, but it just wasn't the whole truth.

Quatre nodded, understanding that Duo didn't want to talk about it, and said helpfully, "The food will be here shortly, why don't you sit down, and we can all catch up, and then we can go out to the stables and have some fun."

/Yesterday, a boy and already afraid

Locked deep inside, my place to hide

To hide from how you make me feel

And I wonder as your brother

Did you finally pull through like me?

Finding yourself, not needing help I'd like to say…/

They all gathered at the table, and talked well into the evening. The food was delicious, and they all refreshed themselves with each other.

Wufei had gone back to his destroyed colony and rebuilt it. He had become a scholar there and was teaching little children. Somehow it was difficult for Duo to imagine Wufei teaching children. He pictured little children running around and being obnoxious and Wufei standing in the center pulling his hair out and screaming. The thought made Duo chuckle and Wufei glare at him. Somehow, Duo had the suspicion that his mental picture was correct.

Quatre had taken over the Winner family business, and still retained his millions. He was constantly donating to charity, and helping Relena with her seminars in preaching pacifism. They hadn't gone into the topic of Relena all that much, somehow feeling Duo's unspoken hatred of her rolling off of him in waves.

Trowa was living with Quatre and helped him manage the business. Duo also achieved the information that they were lovers and were thinking about getting married, as soon as they had the courage to tell his sisters. It wasn't because they had the fear of rejection from his sisters, Quatre's sisters though that his happiness was the most important thing. It was the fear of the wedding plans and battles that the sisters would have once they found out. Duo winced in sympathy and smiled his congratulations.

And then they asked him what he'd been doing for the past four years. Duo wanted to jump off of the balcony.

"I haven't been doing much, just a few jobs here and there. I've been traveling a lot and I've met some new people. They were really cool. But other than that, I haven't been doing much of anything." Duo put his head down and muttered under his breath, "At least not anything great like you guys."

"DUO!" Quatre's eyes widened, "Don't you dare compare yourself to us! You're a great person. Do you realize how many times I've wished I could be you and just disappear and no one know who I am?"

Duo raised anguish ridden eyes to meet Quatre's and muttered his apology. Quatre wanted to cry at the pain that he saw in those eyes. He wanted to engulf Duo in a bear hug and try to take all the pain from those eyes and make it his own, just to see this ethereal creature truly smile again. However, Trowa's restraining hand on his shoulder and the minute shake of his head, made Quatre realize that pity and sympathy was not something that Duo needed.

Duo blinked away the pain and held it at bay, he wanted to be happy for his friends, to make this one last event enjoyable, "Does anyone know what happened to Heero?"

Silence.

Then, "He's been looking for you, Duo." Wufei had said it so softly, but the words hit Duo in the stomach like a cannon. "When he woke up, and found out that you took off. He… He was devastated. He went looking for you, he's still looking for you, he has been for the past four years."

Duo stumbled for words, "I…I didn't know…I didn't realize… I-"

"Duo…"

Tbc

Duo: -shock-

Others: -gape-

Duo: WHAT did you DO to me!!!!

Heero: She set you up so that I could come and save you from wallowing in depression

Ebony: Should I explain how I got this, or just show how you all are going to bicker?

All: Explain. Now.

Ebony: Do I have to?? –puppy dog eyes-

Heero: explain. Now. Or omae o korosu

Ebony: Fine fine, I was in the mountains this weekend innocently listening to my cd player, when this song came on, and it gave me this super mondo awesome idea, and these fiends wouldn't leave me alone ever since. And I still have to finish it….-pout-

All: GO AN FINISH IT NOW!!!!

Trowa: I'd do what they say…..

Quatre: Yeah, Heero's going for his gun….

Wufei: And he's glaring at you…

Duo: -smirk- and make sure that the next chappie is a lemon, kapeesh?

Ebony: Yeah, yeah, yeah. –gets prodded with Heero's gun- I'm GOING I'm GOING. Sheesh, some people are so impatient…..

Tell me what you think!!!!!!!!!!