Part 5

The ride to the hospital was in silence. I much preferred it that way. I knew that Hatori and Mom were going to shower me with reassurances that I didn't want when I got to the hospital, so I welcomed the silence. No matter how uncomfortable it was.

My stomach was doing flip flops; like I was about to be sick. But I had barely eaten anything that day so I knew I wasn't going to throw up. I didn't complain; I just squeezed Mom's hand which was locked in mine.

"Here we are," said Hatori, pulling into the hospital parking lot. I saw the parking building, but he drove down a road away from the front entrance. "Down here is patient parking. For the time being we can park here."

I found myself staring up at the hospital through my window. Here it was. It was time to remove my cancerous kidney. My life was going to be saved.

But I was so scared.

"Kagura," Mom said gently as the car came to a stop. "Are you ready?"

"No," I admitted, staring at my lap. "But I can't prolong this. Not if I want to live."

We started up to the hospital, entering in through the entrance for the patients. Hatori lead the way with his usual calm. Mom didn't let go of my hand, which I found reassuring.

We entered a large area where there were many seats and a large television in one of the ceiling corners showing a commercial of some sort. The waiting room.

"Sign in here," said Hatori. "I have to go and make sure preparations are secure. When they are I'll come back and get you." He left through a set of double doors next to the front counter.

"You go and have a seat," Mom told me. "I'll sign you in."

I nodded and headed over a seat near the television. I was wary of the men in the room, being very careful not to bump into anything or anyone as I sat down. I tried to keep myself occupied by watching the television, but it didn't work. I couldn't focus in on whatever program was on.

"Do you like what's on?" asked Mom, seating herself next to me.

"Yes," I lied.

We sat there in silence for several minutes, the murmurs of the other people in the waiting room the only noise over the television. Mom tried to busy herself by reading a magazine, but I knew that it wasn't working. I briefly glanced at her to see her blinking back tears as she flipped through the magazine. I took her hand and squeezed it again. It gave her some reassurance, but I knew she was still upset. Having cancer was one thing but having an eighteen-year-old daughter having cancer was a nightmare for any parent. Especially since they had to watch their child go through pain and knowing they can't directly help them. Seeing Mom's pain made me wish that I would never have to experience seeing one of my children getting cancer.

We waited for a half hour before Hatori came back.

"Everything's set," he told us. "I'm going to take you up to your room now."

We walked through the halls of the hospital and got into an empty elevator. Hatori seemed to make sure that it was empty.

"It's a single room," he continued, talking directly to Mom. "So there'll be an extra bed for you to sleep in."

Mom nodded. "Thank you. Are the doctors…?"

"They're all female to avoid any complications."

"But what about you, Hatori?" I asked, concerned. What if he bumped into one of his assistants?

"I've had a lot of practice over the years in avoiding bumping into my assistants," Hatori assured me. "Don't worry."

We got off on one floor and he led us down the hall. "A very light dinner will be sent up to you. The night nurses already know this, but don't eat or drink after midnight."

I understood. If Hatori was serious about something I knew to take it seriously.

"Here we are," said Hatori, opening the door to a warm single room. A similar television to the one in the waiting room was in the corner. There were a lot of machines behind the hospital bed.

"What are those for?" I asked.

"They're to help you," said Hatori. "You can wear your pajamas to bed tonight, but when you get up early tomorrow you will get changed into a hospital gown. I'll give the details then. For right now get yourself comfortable."

I tried to. It was a very comfortable bed, but I was so nervous that I couldn't relax.

"Your dinner should be coming in a few minutes," said Hatori. "I'm going to check on my assistants and then go home. If you have any problems of any sort, push the call button, okay?"

"Okay," I murmured.

Hatori walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Don't think about it tonight. If you do you'll lose sleep. Just relax and get as much rest as you can."

I nodded. "I'll try."

Hatori managed something close to a smile. "Everything's going to be all right, Kagura." He gave my shoulder a squeeze before he left the room.

The next several hours dragged on for me. I got my dinner and it surprisingly tasted good, but it didn't do much for me. After sipping some soup I felt that I couldn't eat any more. Soon, it was time for me to sleep.

But I couldn't sleep.

"Kagura, at least try to sleep," pleaded Mom. "You need your strength now more than ever."

"I know Mom," I said. "But I need to do something before I sleep. Can I have a pen and some paper?"

Mom got me what I wanted. I sat there, thinking about what to write. I didn't really know why I wanted to write or who to write to. Then it came to me.

Kyo.

But what could I say? Anything could happen tomorrow. I could die on the operating table. Or, when they open me up they could discover some sort of complication leading up to my death.

But I didn't know what I could say to him. He didn't love me; he loved Tohru. And he hardly acknowledged me as a friend. Would he even care about what I had to say?

He cared enough to carry you upstairs when you past out and to hang onto you so you wouldn't fall off the roof, a voice told me. If you do die tomorrow, it's not like he'll immediately crumble up whatever you have to say. He'd want to read it. So you might as well be honest enough and put all your feelings into it.

Swallowing my reluctance, I set up my paper on the bed table pulled in front of me and began to write. Though I had not the slightest idea of what to write, the words were so suddenly coming to me. At that moment writing that letter felt like the most important thing to do.

Dear Kyo-kun,

I'm sorry to keep bothering you like this. It must be pretty annoying for you. All I can ask is that you at least read what I have to say.

If you are reading this, then this means something went wrong with my operation and I'm either dead or don't have very much longer to live. Right now it's just hours before my operation and since I can't really call you now all I can do is write.

First of all, thank you. Thank you for being a loyal friend to me when we were younger. I know things turned sour for us, but I believe that it's better to remember the good over the bad. Not that I only see bad in you. I see so much good in you, much like when you were a kid. The deep friendship you have forged with Yun-kun and Tohru really makes me happy. Knowing that being around those two makes you much happier in turn makes me happier.

Secondly, I'm sorry for the way I treated you all these years. I've never been one to control my feelings, have I? Well, one good thing this cancer has brought me is the ability to control myself. I'm grateful for this since I didn't want to cause you any discomfort during the time I had left.

When I think about it, I probably wasn't that great to be around anyway. Even with my cancer I still bothered and annoyed you. I hope you can forgive me for that. I also appreciate you saving my life that day. Whatever your reasons are for doing it, it gave me more time and that is worth anything.

I'm afraid I have something else to ask you. Be happy, Kyo-kun. Know that despite what many say, you are surrounded by people who love you very much. I don't know if this will help, but your saving me has won you some respect amongst the other family members. I've often heard them speak highly of the Cat, and some even spoke against your fate.

Please have a happy life nonetheless. Have fun, take risks, and get into trouble. But most of all just be yourself. Know that you are loved. Yes, even by me too. I hope this fact doesn't annoy you too much, but I do love you very much. It is my love for you that compels me to write this. To encourage you to live your life to the fullest. I'm sorry for all the trouble. Please take care of yourself.

With much love,
Sohma Kagura

I finished the letter, scrubbing the tears from my face to avoid having them land on the paper. I neatly folded the letter and wrote, 'Sohma Kyo' on it. I tucked it into my bedspread and pushed away the bed table. "I'm done, Mom. Time to sleep."

Mom came over to me. She kissed me on the top of my head and hugged me tightly. "Tomorrow's a big day. Don't worry about a thing. Hatori-san will take care of you."

---

I don't know how I ever got to sleep that night. I knew I had to stay calm, and I knew that Hatori was going to take care of me, but I still felt nervous. I was still fearful about what might happen to me during the surgery.

But I did fall asleep. And at quarter to six the next morning, Hatori was there to wake me up.

"Here's the hospital gown," said Hatori, placing it on the bed. "Take off all your clothes before you get into it."

"Even my underwear?" I asked.

Hatori nodded. "The gown opens in the back. Anything else you wear will no doubt get in the way. And be sure you go to the bathroom as well. Since you'll be put to sleep if you have a full bladder you'll go whenever."

I went into the bathroom and did what he asked. As I pulled on my dressing gown, I couldn't help but feel the lump in my back.

No more after today, I thought, managing. Whether I live or die this lump will be gone forever.

I left the bathroom, feeling a little self-conscious. Even if he was a doctor, Hatori was the last person I had ever expected would be the first man to ever see me naked. Much to my own embarrassment, I was turning red.

Stop being childish, I ordered myself. Hatori is going to save your life. He doesn't care that you're naked!!

"A stretcher will be in here in a few minutes," he said in his usual calm voice. "You'll get on it and we'll all go down to pre-op."

"Pre-op?" I asked, fidgeting a little.

"The area where people wait before surgery," Hatori explained. "There'll be others down there waiting for surgery. Don't worry; there are curtains around each part of the area. Down there I'll make the marks and we'll get you hooked up. Oh, and tie back your hair," he added. "We tuck it into a cap anyway, but many female patients complain of having knots in their hair if they wear it loose."

Mom was quick to tie my hair into a braid, but nothing spectacular. Just minutes later two nurses showed up with a stretcher. I made a quick grab for the note hidden in my bed and hurried over to Hatori.

"Hatori, if anything happens to me during surgery, could you give this to Kyo?" I held out the note to him.

Hatori looked at the note and then at me. With a small smile he took the note from me. "You don't have to worry. But just in case."

"Thank you."

I got onto the stretcher. We walked down the hall, towards the elevator. I was surprised at how empty the hallway was. I had half-expected to see tons of doctors and nurses around. Then again, this wasn't exactly a critical area so lots of doctors and nurses was probably a good thing.

We reached pre-op a few minutes later. There were a few people about. Family members speaking with those who were preparing to go into surgery. Hatori directed the nurses to put me between two beds; one which was empty and the other which had an elderly man speaking with an elderly woman. Once we were situated, Hatori closed the curtains surrounding us.

Hatori handed me a small cap. "Tuck your hair into this. Since it's tied back it won't tangle."

I complied.

"Good. Now I will need to take a sample of your blood. Not a whole pint, but just a little."

I complied, though it hurt a little. The blood was taken directly from the vein in my arm. Hatori took my blood sample and was gone for a few minutes. Then he came back.

"Okay, now I know you were getting comfortable, but I have to ask you to move so that you are lying on your stomach."

To my shame I turned red again. My whole backside was going to be exposed. But I knew that there was no time to be stupid. So I did what I was told, my face burning.

Hatori wasted no time. I heard a slight pop as if a cap came off and pressure in my lower back. I knew that he was making the marks with what smelled like permanent marker. He was speaking to Mom softly, but I caught some of his words. He was telling her where he was going to cut.

"Done," said Hatori, another pop as the cap went back onto the marker. "Now for the I.V. Generally it's inserted into the upper arm, but the way you are positioned it could make things complicated. I'm going to insert it into your hand. Is that all right?"

"Yes," I replied. He inserted the I.V. into my hand. It didn't hurt as much as it did when he drew blood, but it was still strange to look at.

"Okay, I'm going to give you the anesthesia now," said Hatori. "Your surgery won't take too long, but it'll take about 12 hours before we can move you onto your back.

A sinking feeling coursed through. "I'll have to lie here like this and wait 12 hours?"

"Yes, but you won't notice it. You'll be unconscious the whole time. All of us will, though."

I felt a little more at ease, even when I saw him insert the needle directly into the I.V.

"All right," said Hatori. "I'm going to go get ready. My assistants will be by shortly to take her in."

"Thank you," said Mom.

"Hatori," I said numbly. I was starting to feel the effects of the anesthesia. "You won't forget, will you?"

Hatori walked over and stood close so that I could see him. He gave me a small smile. "I won't forget."

I smiled back. "Thank you."

Then he left. Mom stood there close to me, telling me stories of when I was little. I laughed a little with her, listening as closely as I could.

---

"Kagura-san? Kagura-san, wake up."

"Eh?" I felt so groggy. The anesthesia was really affecting me. "Is it time…for my surgery?"

"No, the surgery's over. It was a success."

I groaned a little and forced my eyes open. Everything was so bright. I couldn't think clearly because my mind was so clouded. And my back was aching.

"It's over?" I groaned, feeling disoriented. I had no idea who I was talking to. I stared up at a woman over me. "I don't remember falling asleep."

"Yes, it's over. How are you feeling?"

"My back hurts."

"All right. Would you like something to dull the pain?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'll do that now." She prepared a needle and inserted it into my I.V.. Quite frankly it hardly did anything for me; I was still in pain.

"Kagura?" this I welcomed. Hatori's voice. He sounded so exhausted, but relieved at the same time. "How are you feeling?"

"Groggy," I mumbled.

"I gave her some anesthesia," said the nurse above me.

Hatori nodded. "All right, the 12 hours have elapsed. It's time to move her onto her back."

I heard a few people around me. Hatori came into my line of view. "Kagura, try not to move, okay? This'll take a few minutes, but you'll be on your back."

I managed a nod. Even if I didn't remember the 12 hours, I'm sure my body did and it was no doubt annoyed with this position.

It did take a while though, for them to move me onto my back. They were being very careful with me though, so I didn't complain. Plus my brain was so clouded I couldn't really complain anyways.

Finally, they set me on my back. It felt strange lying there. I couldn't really explain why it felt strange, but it did.

I absently observed my surroundings. "Are we back in pre-op?"

"No, this is post-op," said Hatori. "Looks the same, huh? Well, they brought down your bed from your room, which is what you're laying on now. We're going to take you up there now. Your mother is waiting for you."

I smiled weakly as they wheeled me out of post-op. It felt strange, knowing I had slept the day away. It still felt like early morning to me even though it was late at night.

We reached my room. Mom immediately stood up from the spare bed, tears spilling down her cheeks. "Kagura!! You're okay!!"

"The surgery was a success," Hatori informed her. The passage of time really sank in then as I took in the room. Not only was it dark, save the lights, but Mom looked extremely tired and very pale. Never in my life had I ever seen her so relieved.

Once I was settled back in, Hatori came over to me. He held out my note. "It looks like you won't need to give this to Kyo after all."

I took the note with a weak hand and a weak smile. "I guess not."

Note: I hope no one got too bored with all the specifics in this story, but I felt it worked out better if I didn't rush the surgery. And I felt that it was a great way of conveying everyone's feelings. I hope no one thinks it's over. No, there's still lots to come.