Author: theshinykitty
Warning: CURSING(!!), Shounen-Ai
Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to the talented hands of one Kishimotou-san.
::Falling in love is like a spiral; you keep going in circles, but with every moment, you fall closer towards the center, and each other::
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uzumaki/spiral
Ch3: Incident at the Crapatorium.
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Naruto POV-Lunchtime. The WORST time of day.
For me at least, but for Sasuke, it's more like some sort of... temple-ish... thing, what with all the fan girls feeding him grapes, and fanning him WHILE HE SITS IN A TOGA
NONCHALANTLY!!
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but seriously, those fan girls peel and de-seed his grapes for him!
ARGH! I'd be lucky to get Shikamaru to even HAND me a grape!
But it's like I don't appreciate Shikamaru, y'know? He's a great friend... when he's awake...
So here we both are, at 12:45, sitting at some small, dirty-as-shit (the lunch lady usually takes this time to flirt with Sarutobi-Hokage) table in some obscured corner, and eating.
Well, I'M eating; Shikamaru is on the verge of death, trying to snap his chopsticks apart.
I swear, this is THE laziest kid you have EVER met. Well, actually, you've never met him, so he's the laziest kid you've never met.
Yeah, crazy people logic works.
So anyways, I'm getting pretty pissed off at his pathetic whining, and take mercy on him (or maybe me; 'cause right then, death by chainsaw was feeling pretty sensible), and snapped the damn thing open for him.
"Thanks, Naruto..." He half said, half mumbled.
Jesus H. Christ, even TALKING is too troublesome for this guy. One of these days, he's going to fall in a swimming pool, be too lazy to pull his ass out, and drown.
Did you notice that a lot of my sidebars and anecdotes are all very violent...?
Hm...
"So, Naruto, I heard you and that Uchiha kid fighting today," Shikamaru said to me as he rubbed his chopsticks together, created a small controlled fire on a glass plate with paper scraps on
it with the resulting friction from said chopsticks being rubbed together, speared a piece of sushi on one chopstick and started to roast it over the fire.
Wow.
That was... surreal...
Whatever the hell 'surreal' means.
I ignored his question, and stared. Half at Shikamaru's actions, half at the shiny fire.
He finally notices me staring at him and looks at me; as if I SHOULD'NT be surprised.
"What? I don't like raw fish."
I vaguely wondered why he didn't just buy cooked fish, but hey, we ARE Japanese.
"Why the hell do you care what me and Sasuke do?", I asked.
"...No reason."
Then, he smiled devilishly, and returned to roasting his sushi.
Do I have rice on my face, or something? Because I have NEVER seen Shikamaru smile so... devil-ish-ly before. 'Too troublesome to use that many facial muscles,' he once told me.
Just as I was about to give my face a thorough slobbering, this weird kid walks up to me.
"Hey, Uzumaki, is it true that Uchiha's a homo?"
Rather blunt, are we?
I was about to reply, when I noticed a strange stench in the air.
"You smell like a dog," I said finally.
He then seemed to take it as some sort of compliment, rather than as an insult.
"Thanks," he said foolishly, as though I told him he smelled like a rose garden.
Been in one once; got banned. Who knew roses were so flammable?
"So IS Uchiha a homo?" he asked again.
Hehe...
"Yep," I replied, "100 per-cent grade-A homo-"
And THAT'S when I saw Sasuke standing beside me.
"-gonized milk is a lot better than soda!"
Please let that have sounded natural...
He glared at me; ready to rip out my still-beating heart from my chest and eat it, and take the rest of my body and chop it into little pieces, hide it in the floorboards, and claim the butler did it. Which he could, 'cause he's fucking rich.
So, in conclusion to my long rambling sentences,
I. Am. Fucked.
Fucked like when Iruka-sensei was locked in a room with Kakashi-sensei. Fucked like when you realize that the #1 Nin in the school 10 years running (since he was 3; bastard...) is
standing right behind you catching you red-handed calling him gay.
Dear God, Please let a fat kid fall through the second story onto on Sasuke's head right now.
I looked up.
Damn.
Looks like Chouji is also in the cafeteria.
Well, here's what I want on my epitaph;
"Naruto Uzumaki, XXXX-XXXX, 'Never call a guy a homo unless you know he's at least 10 yards away.'"
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Sasuke POV-Okay.
-Sakura asking me if I was gay.
Slight confusion.
-Sakura telling me that it was a rumor all around school that I was.
Violence meter going up.
-Having it click that Naruto was the most likely culprit.
Violence meter RAPIDLY shooting up...
-HEARING Naruto call me gay with my own ears,
VIOLENCE METER BROKEN!!
Oh... Naruto was going to pay... He would pay alright... PAY WITH HIS SOUL!
...Um... I'm not Satan. I promise.
"Okay... Naruto... TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!" I was practically screaming now, with everyone was turned around to stare at me. For the second time this day.
I mean, I know I look like a (really good-looking) icicle-person with no feelings. But I DO feel some feelings.
But mostly only violent urges and/or anger.
You don't even WANT to know what happened to that stray dog that pooped on my brand new shoes that one time.
Let's just say that the sausage factory had a slight increase of materials...
...Ahem.
I wanted answers. And I wanted them NOW.
I kinda wanted a pizza bagel, too.
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Naruto POV-Response Choices and Likeliness:
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" (then run ass off) - 50 per-cent
"Please don't kill me..." - 35 per-cent
"No! Really! I was talking about homogenized milk! Honest!" - 14 per-cent
"I want a pizza bagel..." - 1 per-cent
"Yeah! I called you a homo! Do you wanna fight?!" - 0 per-cent
And just as I was about to scream and run my ass off, I heard a cracking noise above me.
I looked up.
And wouldn't you know it, a fat kid fell through the second story and right onto Sasuke's head.
I guess Jiroubou must have been standing in one place for too long.
Thank you, God.
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Sasuke POV-Pain.
That is what I felt.
Immense, fucking pain.
Pain like when you jump off a 20-story building with only one helium balloon.
Pain like when one large buttock is smooshing your perfectly coifed hair and perfect acne-free face into the dirty cafeteria floor.
OW.
I was seriously going to black out now. Half from the pain, half from the smell (of his butt; just wanted to be clear), and half because of the anger.
Yeah, I know that three halves don't equal a whole, but I'm pretty! We people don't have to explain!
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Naruto POV-If I ever doubted the existence of God, then smack my ass and call me Suzy, because I'm 150 certain he lives up there in the clouds now.
Did I just ask you to call me Suzy?
Okay, I'm not a cross dresser, just to tell you, but just for reassurance, don't look in the bottom-to-left-hand box in my closet.
So Jiroubou got up from Sasuke, dusted his whole self off, which, mind you, took a long time, and continued to eat his asbestos-covered doughnut (seriously, this school needs a shit-load
of repairs), and just waltzed right out of the cafeteria, with everybody staring after him.
Then, we all turned our eyes back to the 'prince' on the floor. It was like... simultaneous, I swear! It was like... CRAZY!
I'm serious, it's like the government sent some sort of signals into our brains, telling us to turn at the exact. Same. Time.
Weird...
So! I waited for Sasuke to get up miraculously, like the 'genius' he is, and pummel the living spit out of me, but, he just... lied there. Like some limp vegetable. Possibly zucchini; cucumber works well too. He kinda smelled like cat pee too.
OOH! I know you want to hear about what happens next, but too bad, instead, I have an intresting narrative about cat pee!
So here it goes;
Okay, I was sitting there eating my pizza bagels, right? And the doorbell rang. So I went to go get it, and there was this big, open bottle of cat pee right there. On the doorstep. Of my house. How anybody got a cat to pee in a bottle is beyond me, but they did somehow. So I took one look at the bottle, and the kid snickering behind the tree. Then, I put two and two together. It was four. But then, ANOTHER thing clicked, and well, let's just say that kid smelled like kitty piss for the rest of the week, and got beaten up by that Kiba kid quite often.
HOO-RAH! It's over! Now, you may get to the rest of my exciting and rambling story!
Okay, so Sasuke was lying there, smelling, and limp, and... Well all just... stood there. Stood there going, 'WTF...' for about five minutes. Yeah, there wasn't a lot of excitement in our lives...
So FINALLY, Shikamaru just says, "Um... Shouldn't someone bring him to the nurses office...?"
I guess the entirety of our brains went to Shikamaru; because we all just kept standing there, mouths open, wondering how the hell a fat kid could knock out their Sasuke-sama.
I sighed, picked the bastard up, and started to carry him out the door.
Gee, thanks for the help everybody.
I got out into the hallway and realized that he was actually pretty light. It also made me think that he kinda reminds me of a vampire; pale skin, freakish strength, and creepy gaze.
...Nah...
(Shifty eyes)
But JUST to be sure, I dragged him over to the open window; and shoved a sunbeam on his face.
...Hm...
No burning skin or anguished screams...
Damn.
Say goodbye to my plan of stabbing Sasuke in the heart with a stake and claiming I thought he was a vampire...
Oh well; there's always poison.
So I finally drag his skinny ass to Nurse Tsunade's office.
She takes one look at me and the 'Legendary Uchiha' cradled in my arms, and immediately says, "What the hell happened here, brat?"
I have two choices; say that I knocked him out and be considered all-powerful, or tell the truth; a fat kid fell on him and be laughed at.
Two for the price of one!
I'm about to regale Tsunade-baba with my wondrous tale of my regal smitation of the smelly Uchiha, when, my conscience decides to show up.
Yeah, I know, screw honesty and stuff, but I just couldn't bring it upon myself to squish that damned cute cricket.
IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF HIS TINY TOP HAT! GAH! It's adorable!
Sigh... truth it is then.
Okay... take a deep breath and prepare for the worst.
"A fat kid fell on him."
ARGH. Give it to me. If I can handle dragging a guy who smells like cat pee all the way to the second story Nurse's Office, then I can handle anything.
It first started as a small chuckle, then amused giggling, and then mutated into this full-fucking-blown laughter.
I'm surprised that Sasuke hasn't woken up yet from the sound.
I'm also surprised that he hasn't drowned yet, with all of the gallons of spit this lady is producing that is landing on Sasuke's face.
EW.
Remind me to wash my hands with soap. ANTIBACTERIAL, not that watered-down Megalomart crap. I'm serious; I got rashes from that...
It has now been 5 minutes. I think she has finally stopped laughing. Or it could be that I've gone deaf. My money's on the latter. But then again, I don't have money...
...I made myself sad...
"I'm serious! A fat kid fell on him!"
She wiped her eye, sighed, and said what seemed to sound like, 'Good times...'
She chuckled a bit more and finally said, "I know, brat." She gestured to the giant hole in her floor. I looked down through it and saw all the kids in the cafeteria STILL going; "WTF?" but with now nothing to stare at, they were milling about like ants, Sarutobi-Hokage behind them, trying to round them up and put them back into their proper classes.
She handed me a clipboard with a form on it. "Fill it out," she said. "Not about yourself, but about the patient; Sasuke."
It was a good thing she said that, because I was in the process of writing MY name in the area marked; 'Patient's Name:'. Hey, I was dropped on my head as a child...
But now, I realized, I knew nothing about Uchiha...
Crap... Time to bullshit it.
And so, by my mad form filling out skills, Sasuke was now 3 feet tall, 676 pounds, and 97 years old.
Oh yeah, and his name was now 'Sherlock Fitzernhousen'.
While I was filling out the form, Tsunade-baba was giving Sasuke a 'check-up'.
I say 'check-up', but I really mean 'ass-inspection'. Geez, even the old ones.
Seriously, what is with these girls? How do they distinguish between a 'hot' ass and a... I dunno... crappy ass?
I tried to find out once by comparing a few people's butts, but all I got was a couple of nasty bruises.
Lesson learned: Look, but don't touch. This goes double for guys. That Neji packs quite a punch.
"Okay Naruto, Sasuke looks fine to me," she then turned away to give some sort of perverted grin. "You can take him back to his dorm now."
"What?! I carried the bastard all the way here, now I have to carry him to his dorm?! Why can't you just keep him here?!"
"I can't," she said as she gestured to all the occupied beds within the room. "Somebody mixed Lithium Chloride and Arsenic together in chemistry today, and unleashed a poisonous cloud of Arsenic Chloride upon the class."
"Hey! I thought the Lithium Chloride was water!"
She stared at me.
Damn. I have to stop thinking out loud.
I sighed and grabbed Sasuke's arm and started to drag him away. The rolling chair he was sitting in fell in the hole in the floor, though, accidentally hitting Shino in the head.
I quickly dragged Sasuke the rest of the way out the door before somebody said something; there was no way in hell I was dragging Shino's buggy ass up to the nurse.
So I FINALLY got Smells-Like-Cat-Pee-san up to his dorm room.
How did I know which one was his? Simple. It was the one with all the presents and flowers by it, and things like; 'I took the hair from your brush, hope you don't mind' and 'I stole your underwear. I'll give it back if you'll be the father of my children.' scrawled upon the door in lipstick.
Creepy.
I opened the door.
Ho-lee Christwagons. His whole dorm was 3 times bigger than the one I shared with Shikamaru; and he's living here alone!
I was surprised a butler didn't come greet me and offer me an hors d'ourve as soon as I walked in the door.
Rich bastard. I briefly wondered how much his shoes were worth, and whether or not I should steal them.
I was right in the middle of dumping him unceremoniously on the bed, when something small and furry brushed up against my leg.
It was a fucking cat.
I. Hate. Cats. They scare/annoy the hell out of me, so when it (shudder) touched me, I freaked, and jumped on top of the bed.
RIGHT ON SASUKE.
EW.
And that's not even the worst thing, my mouth... was... right on top of... his... mouth. We... were... KISSING!!
ARGH!!
And it gets worse.
Just at that moment, that bastard decides to wake up.
Right in the middle of our lip-lock.
I'm going to need mouthwash, and bandages.
Quick.
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Whew! Longest chapter yet is completed! (11 Pages!) And with a cliffy too. Hehehe...
It was hard typing this one up, so many run-on sentences, so many things that weren't even sentences at all (so many red and green underlines; It's like Christmas!!), and so many times that I wanted to write 'Shikamary' instead of 'Shikamaru'. I didn't proofread this one either.
Oh yeah, and I'm pretty sure Lithium and Chlorine would never combine, and Arsenic would never undergo a single-replacement reaction with Lithium Chloride. But Chlorine and Arsenic were the most poisonous (non-radioactive) elements I could think of… so, feel free to mix them together, because I'm pretty sure they won't poison you to death. But if they do, please don't sue me.
Gah...
Thank you to all the reviewers!! I can't post review replies now, 'cause the mother unit is telling me to go take a shower. Hehehe... THANK YOU AGAIN!!
Read? Review?(!)