A/n: Yes, I am here. And you're lucky to be here too. A few more hours and you would have been beyond our aid. (….for those of you who are confused: FotR).

Hokay. So. Play practice and homework tried to eat me but I fought back and FLIPPENDO! Here I am!

Disclaimer: Looking back over this chapter, I truly never meant for it to proceed in the direction that it took. I am not sorry, for punishment was necessary. But I AM afraid of myself, because I can't believe I wrote this.
I must also say that fruit snacks are so damn good.
Oh and the thesaurus claims that "hokum" is a synonym for candy. I don't believe it, but it fit my purposes.

CHAPTER FOUR - In Which The Consequences Of Chauvinism Are Discovered After Which A Lost Child Meets A "Friend" And An Aging Magical Being Loses A Hat

Gretel and Hansel dug deep into the picnic basket. As one last concession to their demonic wills, the parents had kindly included dishes from each food group of the twins' specialized food pyramid.

After eating their daily recommended servings of angelfood cake, fruit snacks, and small, furry animals, the two slumped onto the grass. They let out contented sighs and looked around with greedy eyes, burping.

"That was even worse fare than usual. Or so the parents think. Let's punish them when we get home," chuckled Hansel.

"Remember the noise the father made yesterday when we tied his beanie babies to the fan blades?" They laughed together, reminiscing about their happiest moments. When all your happiest moments have to do with torture, you should know that something unpleasant will be happening to you soon.

But Gretel and Hansel refused to listen to the kindly narrator, and continued to act like little shits.

"I know! Let's sneak up on the parents right now! Maybe we can make the mother's teeth fall out again!"

Hansel let out a shout of glee, then sobered. "…..did they mumble something about where they were going?" The two glanced around the clearing. It was sunny, colorful, and flowery. There were bright butterflies twuffling (yes, that's what butterflies do) in the air, and some cheerful background music was even twinkling in the distance.

Suddenly, the sun said, "Hasta la vista," flicked them off, and hid under the horizon. Their surroundings transformed into a dark, foreboding field with yellow eyes shining around its edges. The children felt utterly defenseless for the first time in their lives…

For a second. Gretel pulled a rifle out of her boot and shot haphazardly into the ring of trees around them. They high-fived, then laughed with bravado.

"Well, looks like we finally ditched those losers. Time to convert that dump of a cottage into the King Hansel Casino." Hansel kicked the picnic basket into a nearby stream.

Gretel frowned at him. "I thought we were going to call it the Queen Gretel Casino."

"Are you kidding? I only said that so you would shut up. Kings are SO much more powerful than queens." Hansel snorted derisively.

Gretel stepped closer, her voice dangerously soft. "What was that, dear brother?"

Carried away by his own stupidity, Hansel babbled on, not noticing the Cardinal Signs Of Impending Violence. "Everyone knows that MEN are more respected. Men rule over women. They're stronger and braver and don't CRY when their stupid pet SKUNKS get run over by their brothers' motorcyc…..eep….."

.BANG.

Gretel lifted the end of the rifle to her lips and blew away the smoke. Stepping over Hansel's twitching body, she walked into the darkness that was the Forbidforbodingden Forest.

Gretel strolled happily along under the darkening leaves. She was now alone in the world, a truly independent woman. Just the way she'd always wanted it. Plus, there was one less chauvinist walking among the living.

That casino plan had been small stuff, kept simple so that it didn't exceed Hansel's limited brainpower. Gretel had blueprints for something much larger….something which would guarantee world domination……something which would make "Gretel" a household word….

Her plotting was interrupted by a small squeaking sound. Looking around for its source, Gretel found a fuzzy, bucktoothed squirrel at her feet. She sighed. Ever since her beloved skunks Pepe and Pierre had met their…tragic…deaths, she'd had a soft spot for woodland creatures.

She managed to keep her soft spot from showing. "Fuck off. I've got better things to do than feed walnuts to a smelly rodent." The squirrel looked up at her trustingly, espousing Bambi eyes and a quivering smile.

Gretel melted. She was putty in its paws.

"…Just kidding. I love you now. Will you spend the rest of your days with me?" Gretel was prone to spontaneity at times but felt it made her interesting. The squirrel seemed to think so. It clambered up to her shoulder and hunkered down for the journey.

Gretel's smile widened. Not only had she killed an annoying male, she'd gained an animal friend. She squared her shoulders and continued down the path that would surely lead her home.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" A magnified evil laugh rang through the woods.

"What was that, Squirrel?" asked Gretel. The Squirrel shrugged, hiding a microphone behind its back and clearing its throat. She went back to skipping along the path.

Yes, thought Gretel, overall, it had been a fantastic day.

"This is the worst day of my life!" Hagrella snarled, chopping a dining table in two with an axe. "WHERE ARE THOSE CHILDREN?!?"

The fireplace mantel glanced at her haughtily. "There's no need to be so angry. They'll come along in time. Oh, do hurry up with that firewood. I feel a chill coming on, and who knows what might happen then…."

Hagrella threw gigantic slabs of graham cracker onto the dying flames. "For the last time, it's not wood! Because this stupid cottage is INSANE!"

She walked off into the center of the room, muttering to herself as sugary goo dripped onto her head from the ceiling. "Rent-a-witch calls with a new job….hadn't worked in ages…needed to pay off the frog mafia…so I said yes. Little did I know the job would consist of sitting in a HELLHOLE made of HOKUM with a HEINOUS fireplace, waiting for HOUR AFTER HOUR for fucking HANSEL AND GRETEL!"

"Please, madam, watch the profanity. The sugarpane windows are sensitive. That was lovely alliteration, by the way." The fireplace crackled away happily, high on graham cracker fumes.

Hagrella screamed and grabbed her broomstick. Stomping outside, she threw one leg over it and took off into the air, her prized pointy hat dropping off her head to land in Marshmallow Pond.

If the brats wouldn't come to her, she'd just have to come to them. She glanced mournfully down as the black point was sucked deep into the sticky ooze. Hat or no hat.

A/n: Hmmmm…..review, my chickens, or Gretel will hunt you down and add you to her trophy wall! (I am so creepy today…)