Author: theshinykitty
Warning: Language, Shounen-Ai
Disclaimer: Naruto me no own.
I tried to make Sasuke talk more... sophisticatedly than Naruto... but if you can't tell the difference, I don't blame you. Cuz I can't XD...
-VERB- denotes action.
::AN: blah:: denotes Author's Notes.
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uzumaki/spiral
Ch5: If I'm Not Dead by Morning, Hand Me a Knife and I'll Do it Myself.
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Sasuke POV-...Lockdown.
...Stuck in this God-forsaken room with Uzuamki Naruto, quite possibly the stupidest child on Earth. ALL NIGHT.
...Murder plans... hatching...
I let out a deranged giggle. In my head, of course. If I even tried to move my lips slightly upwards, I think my face would rebel against me and kill itself.
...Wait... Damn. He's probably one of those people that'll be missed... and looked for... CRAP.
-Sigh...-
Well, there is no way in hell that he's staying in MY room.
He'll mess up my perfectly arranged figurines!!
...I mean, my messily arranged... um... knives...?
Um... Yes. Knives.
Maybe he'll be stupid enough and try and escape by climbing out my 5th story window and fall to his death by his own accord...
...I don't think he's THAT dumb.
But, lo-and-behold, I climb out of the dark recesses of my mind, and see him trying to force the window open with a katana.
I give myself the mental equivalent of smacking my forehead on the wall.
...Wait...
Is that my family heirloom katana, forged by my ancestors, passed down from generation to generation, and passed down unto me by my father's dying wish?! (My father's still alive though; it turns out, it was just a paper cut, but he let me have it anyways.)
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" I asked.
The urge to throw him into a million-degree oven was suddenly overwhelming me.
He looked back at me, surprised, and held the katana out to defend himself.
And that's when the blade fell off from the handle of the katana.
Hey, nobody said the Uchiha were GOOD sword-makers...
He yelped, and quickly bent down to pick up the blade to re-attach it.
And, the idiot picked it up by the sharp side, cutting himself in the process.
He screamed, and ran around the room, blood flying ALL OVER my 200 dollars a square-inch carpet.
...Please, someone, please, PLEASE get me a rusty carving knife so I can kill us both in a bizarre murder-suicide.
Naruto POV-I have just realized that I am a complete DUMBASS.
Seriously, I'm like, at the verge of being dumber than a goldfish; and goldfish only have a 3-second memory span.
ARGH. Kill me now and put me out of my stupid misery.
And while I'm running around, blood flying everywhere, thinking about how I'm a complete and utter idiot, something large tackles me.
...I'm assuming its Sasuke; either that, or Sasuke's being robbed now, and the robber mistook me for Sasuke...
See? I AM stupid.
I look up to see Sasuke, sitting on top of me, evil rays coming out of his eyes, practically frying my skin.
...Mn... Frying...
"Stop running around like a fucking monkey, and SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!!" He yells.
...I don't think I've ever heard Sasuke yell like that before...
...Or have that many plot holes in his sentences... (Sit down? You're sitting on me...)
...Or even speak a full sentence...
This new side of Sasuke's scares me...
He gets off me finally and sighs, and pushes his hand through his silky, manageable hair.
...Damn, gotta stop reading those shampoo bottles instead of real books...
Sasuke POV-...What the HELL AM I DOING?!
Why aren't I beating the shit out of to think of it... After all these threats of setting him on fire, and stabbing him to death, I don't think I've ever even punched him...
Could this... be me... subconsciously... liking...
Stabbing people...?
...Or... is it... me liking... HIM?!
I take one look at him sitting on the floor, trying to rip bits of my couch off to wrap around his wound.
...Hm... Not likely...
...Okay, whether or not I like him, or stabbing, or stabbing him is not the issue here.
The issue is trying to get through this night without major injuries, and/or major permanent psychological damage that can only be cured by years and years of visits to a psychologist.
::AN: ARGH! It sucks! After every POV change, is a perfect opportunity to stop... But, just 'cause my brain is just exploding with -ideas- (hehehe...), I guess I'll go on.::
Naruto POV-I was still desperately clawing at his couch trying to get SOMETHING to stop this bleeding, when the bastard tosses a roll of bandages at me.
...WTF? Am I still woozy from loss of blood and the bandages were really a knife?
"Hey, idiot, the bathroom's to your left, get your hand cleaned up and get showered, I'll have a change of clothes waiting when you're done. You can sleep on the couch."
...Yes, yes, I AM still woozy and slightly delusional from the loss of blood because the Sasuke I know could never speak... so UN-self-centered-ly... Yes, a poltergeist MUST be residing withthin his brain, controlling his every movement, trying to lull me into a sense of false security, and then... y'know... doing... ghost-ly stuff... and... stuff...
I guess I'm showing my shock on my face, because he sighs and says, "No, I DO NOT have a poltergeist in my brain, I'm just trying to get through the night without any bloodshed, but I can see how THAT worked out," he gestures to my hand, which is now dying his beige carpet red.
I give his the shifty eyes, just to be sure, and slip discreetly into his bathroom.
Except that the bathroom door was closed, and all I ended up doing was making me into an even bigger dumbass.
D'oh.
Sasuke POV-
...Okay, he's been there for half an hour, and I'm hearing repeated 'Ow!' and many colorful curses coming sporadically. I don't even want to know what condition my bathroom will be in...
For his clothes, I set out one of my few non-uniform articles of clothing; it's a black shirt with the words 'A Perfect Circle' on it. And for pants, well, I'm sure he can fend off accusations that he's a transsexual and his 'Aunt Flo' has arrived.
For lodgings, he's sleeping on a couch that will soon go to the burners after he has used it.
I pick up a copy of 'Nin Monthly (Special KNIVES Edition!! Includes a real knife on the inside cover!!)' and start to read.
I'm currently immersed in the article 'Are Your Knives As Shiny As They Could Be?', and jotting down a few notes about cutting through the jugular, instead of the heart, for maximum cleanliness, when I smell smoke.
I run to the kitchen to see if I've left the stove on after cooking Pasta Primavera... I mean... Ramen...
But, no, it's off.
I follow my nose ::AN: To the flavors of fruit!:: to the... bathroom.
...How he managed to start a fire without matches in such a damp environment is beyond me, but he did it.
...Does this mean he's smarter than me?...!!
Naruto POV:
...How I managed to set a fire without matches in such a damp environment is beyond me, but I did it.
...Does this mean I'm smarter than Sasuke?...!!
Okay, well here's how it went:
Step 1: Be incredibly dumb. Check.
Step 2: Take a shower. Check.
Step 3: Get out of said shower. Check.
Step 4: Stand there in your all-together awkwardly until you realize that there is only one towel around (is that silk?), and that towel is embroidered with the words, 'Uchiha Sasuke' written in loopy cursive that probably cost more than 5,000 generic brand NON-embroidered towels. ...Check...
Step 5: Realize that you would be beat to death with said towel if you ever laid your grimy, poor mitts on it. Check.
Step 6: Sigh and jump onto the counter and try and dry yourself by standing near the light bulb. Check.
Step 7: Having the 'genius' idea that if you could dry off faster if you removed it from the electric plug. Check.
Step 8: Realizing a moment too late that water (plus) electricity (equals) not good-ness, and flinching, and accidentally throwing it at the 'Towel of Life', and setting it on fire. Check.
Now, the fire was spreading everywhere, and I am trapped in my arch-rivals bathroom, NAKED, being eaten alive by the inferno, while all the while thinking if I do get out of this alive, I certainly won't be alive when Sasuke gets his hands on me...
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Sorry, I just had to throw in a 'A Perfect Circle' plug in there... listen to '3 Libras', I COMMAND YOU!!
Not sure if Pasta Primavera (or if it even is an Italian dish) is spelled correctly (I'm not Italian, I'm Chinese!), all's I know is that I saw it on an Olive Garden commercial o-O
I thought I lost my WHOLE chapter thus far, but, thankfully I saved... whew... another crisis adverted... -looks heroic and such, while sitting at the computer in her tighty whiteys typing this- ...Okay, maybe not...
I didn't really like the last chapter… should I re-write it…?
Read? Review?