The long-awaited sixth chapter! I'm glad people told me to write more, 'cause otherwise I would have ended it at chapter 5. Thanks to the people who wrote reviews (and especially to the person I keep debating with through email. Very fun!)
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"Darn it!"
The popular blonde girl slammed her fist down on the table.
"I can't believe they didn't work!" she growled angrily.
"You can't believe who didn't work?" her brown-haired friend asked.
"The rabid fangirls from hell!" the blonde said. "They failed! Oh well, at least they had a money-back guarantee."
A small group of girls with cameras gathered around Zim's table caught her attention.
"Oh, Zim," one of them called, "we've got your boyfriend so that you two can be in pictures together!"
There was a yelled "No!" from Dib somewhere in the girls.
"I have no male earth fiend as my friend! And these pictures you want me in! Are they some sort of evidence that can be used against me?" Zim asked suspiciously.
"No, silly," the girl giggled. "They're pictures of you and Dib together, as friends. Close friends. Extreeemely close friends."
Zim leapt up onto the table. "AH HA! I KNEW IT! YOU WERE LYING! You were trying to get evidence of the secret friendship between Dib and I! But now you won't know, because Zim will not allow these horrible pictures to be taken!"
There was some silence as Zim stood on the table pointing at the girls. Then Dib spoke up.
"I think you just told them, Zim."
Over the resulting outburst of squeals, the blonde turned back to her friends.
"Did you hear that?" she asked excitedly. "Zim and Dib have a secret friendship! If I can expose the secret part of their friendship, they'll be ruined! Their popularity status will vanish! I'll be free to rule once again!"
"Uh, you know, neither of them are really very popular. They just kind of act the way they always do," the brown-haired girl said. "With their lovers' quarrels and all that."
The blonde continued, ignoring her. "Maybe those hell girls weren't a TOTAL failure. They seem to have spread some of their poison around and infected some of the girls here with Zim and Dib obsession. They'll be considered a couple permanently for as long as they go here!"
The red-headed girl frowned. "What's the point of doing all this anyway?"
The blonde girl snorted. "Duh! To get rid of their popularity! It's a threat to us!"
The red-headed girl scratched her head in confusion. "But wasn't it partly your fault that they became popular in the first place?"
"Yeah, your hell girls made them popular!" the brown-haired girl chimed in.
"Well now I'm undoing it!" the blonde snapped.
"Sheesh, what a waste of resources," the brown-haired girl muttered.
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"You know, Dib," Zim said later on as they were walking down the hallway to their next class, "you should consider yourself lucky to be my friend."
"Why?"
"I ripped my last friend's eyes out."
Dib cringed.
"Yes, but it was necessary."
Dib looked confused. "Uh…how is ripping someone's eyes out necessary?"
"Silence! The boy was OBSSESSED with me! Not that I blame him, but still! Zim has no time for obsessive friend stalkers!"
"…um…I'm an obsessive…stalker…friend…"
Zim stopped and looked at Dib closely, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
"Hm…yes, but your eyes are too huge for me to rip out. Consider yourself lucky, Dibbuh."
"My eyes are huge now, too?! Geez! It's your fault that everyone thinks my head's big!"
"That's because it is big, Dib. The biggest head I have ever seen in my entire life!"
"Well that's the fakest disguise I've ever seen in my entire life!"
"Quit trying to degrade Zim to make yourself feel better, Dib-human! It's not working."
They walked on in silence for a few steps, and then Zim suddenly jumped in front of Dib.
"MY DISGUISE IS THE BEST ONE EVER MADE! ITS CLEVERNESS CONFUSES YOU!" he screamed, then ran off down the hall.
"Hah!" Dib laughed to himself. "I can still mess around with his head."
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After class, Dib waited out in the hall for Zim.
"Hey, Dib!" he called, wielding a book.
"Hey, Zim," Dib said back, squinting at the book to try and read its title. Before he could, Zim opened it up and began to read.
"I've been reading this book about friendship, Dib," Zim announced, reading it still as they walked down the hall together to the cafeteria.
"And? You think you got it down?" Dib asked.
"No, I HATE IT! You have to do all these horrible cheery things with some earth human! Ugh! Presents, and hugs, and dancing-"
"Uh…are you trying to say something, Zim?"
"I just said it!"
"So…you're saying…that…you hate friendship? Do you not want to be friends with me any-"
"What!? No, no," Zim laughed, dismissing Dib's conclusions with a wave of his hand. "I'm saying that certain things can be left out of friendships. Like HUGS! How I hate them…"
Dib sighed. So far, their so-called friendship wasn't working out very well. Maybe they should both try to find out more about what it means to be a friend.
Zim was still rambling on. "…and KISSES! Their horrible burning pain!"
"I think you're making that up, Zim," Dib said as they walked through the cafeteria doors. "You just don't want to admit that you like it."
"HA! Foolish earthen earth…creature!" Zim laughed. "You doubt Zim? Behold!"
Zim pecked Dib on the cheek and, after getting over his initial surprise, Dib realized his cheek felt like it was on fire.
"AAAGH! The pain! It buuuurns! Ouch!"
Zim watched Dib roll around on the floor screaming for a while. "Hm. It seems that Irken liquid makes Earth flesh burn. A new weapon for the destruction of humanity!"
"Zim, please! Keep it down! We're in the cafeteria! People might actually notice something if you keep yelling like that."
Despite some stinging, the pain had faded. Dib stood up, rubbing his face and giving Zim a dirty look.
"What!? You doubted the almighty Zim, and he gave you proof!"
"Humph! So now we know kisses are off limits. Big deal! That was a waste of time," Dib complained, folding his arms and trudging off to an empty table.
"Are you grumpy because you were proved wrong, Dib-beast? Or is it because Zim has bested you in the art of pain?"
"Are you gonna let me sit with you this time?"
"Never!"
"What's the point of being friends if we can't sit together!?"
"You're the one who wanted to be friends!"
"Exactly! So we could do friendly things!"
"Invading personal space is not friendly!"
"Yes it is!"
"No it's not!"
"Yes!" Dib sat down.
"No!" Zim pushed Dib off his seat.
Dib jumped to his feet and shoved Zim. Zim shoved back, and the next thing they knew they were fighting with each other. Again.
"Look at those freaks," the popular blonde girl said from across the room as several girls took pictures of Zim and Dib's fighting. "Always so eager for a chance to beat each other up. I bet they're sadists."
"Or maybe one's a sadist and the other's a masochist! I love that!" the red-headed girl exclaimed.
"Or maybe you're all crazy!" the brown-haired girl yelled, standing up.
The others stared at her in silence, then burst out laughing.
"You're so funny, Helen," they laughed as she sat back down, stony-faced.
"The only crazy one here is Dib!" the blonde said, and that made everyone but the brunette laugh even harder.
"Hmph!"
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Sitting together in the nurse's office, Zim and Dib slumped against each other.
"Maybe we're not so good at being friends, Zim," Dib sighed, holding some ice against a bloody cut on his face.
"Ha! Zim is…a great friend…" Zim said, out of breath and holding his wig so it wouldn't fall off.
"No," Dib said, "we stink. We're still fighting even as friends."
"You started it."
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"You did too!"
"Look! We're fighting again, Zim! I was right!"
"Yes you did!"
"…you're not listening, huh?"
"YES YOU DID!"
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At home in his room, Dib looked up friendship online.
"Let's see…friendship. An invisible link between two people that inexplicably becomes stronger as the two know each other longer. They remain close over the years, and usually have common interests. Yes, yes," Dib sighed, scrolling down the page, "I know that already."
"Here's something about being a friend. Friends are always there for one another. Friends stick together, and don't desert each other in times of need. If one is unhappy, the other tries to cheer them up. They are separate parts of a whole, and if they ever meet, they will be eternally happy. Hey, this isn't bad! Wait," he said, leaning forward to squint at some text at the bottom of the article, "what does this say? For the rest of the text, please enter your credit card number. Great! It's one of those scam websites that depressed people go to to cheer themselves up!"
"Friends with benefits? Friends with benefits means that two people are friends, only with benefits."
Dib blinked at the bluntness of the article, then continued.
"Benefits may include: hugs, groping, kissing, making out, and-"
Horrified at the last benefit and the very idea of associating it with Zim, Dib repeatedly pounded the Back button on his browser.
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"Gir!"
Gir dropped from the ceiling onto his face. He saluted.
"Yes, my master!"
"Gir, I want you to tell me everything you know about friendship and what being a friend is. If you can't, then I shall have to repeat the Keef incident! Now quickly! Tell me!"
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The next morning, Dib rolled out of bed, armed with his newfound knowledge and ready for school.
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The very same morning, Zim came out of his stupor from listening to Gir blabber on an on about stuff that had absolutely nothing to do with friendship, armed with no newfound knowledge and a small headache.
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The end of chapter 6. What will happen at school? Will Dib change? What was that last benefit? You'd love to know wouldn't you? I think some of you know…ha ha…
Quote for…now?: "Me! The obsessive compulsive Dib!" –Dib (Gaz, Taster of Pork)