Author's notes: My first Spencer centered fic ever, I think. Big thanks to my beta, who helped me perfect it. Read and love, please
Child
"Sir, I won!"
You stand strong and straight as you I told you to do. It took me two weeks to teach you not to slouch, but once you learned you never forgot. You are like a statue now, almost incapable of relaxing. Did I do that to you?
I frown, looking at the stopwatch. The time is exellent; much faster than I had expected.
"You were slow. You will finish the next round in half the time." Do you know how much this pretense hurts me?
"Yes, sir." No disappointment sounds in your voice, but I know I struck a hard blow. You are eager to please in everything you do; a star pupil. I wish I could tell you that.
You were an innocent little boy who came to the Abbey when it was new. Your eyes were wide in awe as we showed you around, but you had smile ready for everyone you met. A blonde little boy with the skill to beat all the other boys your age. You were the one chosen by Voltaire to be my first pupil.
I helped you perfect your launch, balance and speed, and you laughed when you got it right.
When the night became too cold, long or dark you would cry, and I would come sit by your bed until you slept.
Why? Why did I allow myself such a weakness? Why did I allow myself to love that child? Why did I not send you far away from the Abbey as soon as I had the chance?
Why did Voltaire notice you?
The tears that came to my eyes when he told me to hurt you were more bitter and aching than the coldest winternight in Moscow, but my soul belongs to him, and I am damned to serve him forever. So I promised I would.
The memory of your eyes when I struck you for the first time still burns me. They were filled with unbearable betrayal, but you said nothing. Your loyalty to me was too strong. You trusted me.
I struck you once, I struck you twice and you didn't say anything. I hardly ever praised you, but you never stopped struggling to improve. Soon you stopped smiling, even when I couldn't help but tell you how great you had become, how powerful. Luckily, those moments needed no smiles, because I knew. You were like a son to me, and you remained unquestioning in your loyalty and love, no matter what cruelty I put you through.
Can you forgive me, Sergei? Deep within your heart I know that the child still hates me, still screams at me; I hear him every time I look into your eyes. So I never meet them anymore, and you never say anything.