Chapter 29
Confessions of Childhood
AN:
I don't own HP
I
I
I
V
Harry got to his feet shaking, facing Snape. He turned and started out of the room but was stopped by Snape saying, "Impedimenta!"
Once the spell wore off Harry faced Snape who was still staring at him in disbelief, "Potter, were you editing your thoughts trying to get sympathy from me so that I would go easier on you during your lessons? If so, you were sorely mistaken."
Harry stared at his professor, "Why the hell would I expect sympathy from you? You are a heartless bastard that invades my private life and takes pleasure in embarrassing me! You're just trying to make yourself feel better because you know that I'm nowhere good enough in Occlumency to edit my thoughts."
"That's not what you thought my childhood was like was it? No… I'm Perfect Potter, Spoiled Potter, Rich Potter, Trouble-Freaking-Making Potter!" Harry screamed at Snape, tears glistening in his eyes. "Did that look like pampering to you? Did it look like I was being spoiled rotten? Did it look like I was encouraged to be lazy? Or did it look a little too much like your own childhood for comfort? YES! I know because I saw your memories last year! You went through the same damn thing I did and still you didn't see that I wasn't anywhere NEAR spoiled?
"Or maybe your childhood wasn't as bad… Were my beatings similar to yours? Could you move after them? Did you suffer all the more because just upstairs there was a boy who was your relative, your damned cousin, who was being pampered and spoiled by the same people who pronounced you as a worthless freak who should have died with his parents?
"Were you punished for good grades because you had somehow used your abnormalities to switch test papers with your cousin? Were you beaten for running from your bully of a cousin causing him to trip on stones and scrape up his knees when he tried to catch you for more 'fun'? Was the only childhood game you were aloud to play called 'Harry-Hunting?' Was your first friendship to someone that asked to see your scar among the first things he asked you? Did your cousin make your school life just as miserable as your home life because it made his parents proud?
"Did anyone try to help you? Because as sure as hell, no one tried to help me. Would you like to know why Professor Snape?" Harry asked angrily glaring at the teacher. "Because they had money and time to spend on me. Oh not on anything trivial, like food, clothes, or medical attention, but enough to pay off certain people who just might suspect… And enough time with clever lies as 'He's sick,' 'He ran away,' or a favorite of theirs, 'He's being detained at a detention center because he stole something.'
"Oh I usually did steal something of great importance Professor," Harry admitted bitterly. "Like air from the home or water… Heaven forbid if I ate when they didn't give me permission!
"They locked me in the cupboard until my bruises faded and I would be presentable in public. Tell me Professor, were you so blinded by hatred of my father that you couldn't see that my childhood was nothing like his? Or did you just not give a damn?
"Are you happy now that you've seen Prince Potter beaten and belittled? Now you know everything! And as usual, you're going to use it to hurt me even more, don't worry… I can take it… you can't be worse than him," Harry finished coldly, all of the heat from his anger vanishing, and ran out of the door leaving Snape staring at the spot where he made his little speech.
Harry ran through the hallways, going towards the Room of Requirement before he stopped on the second floor, realizing that someone would look for him there if they knew he had just left the dungeons in such a fury, probably the Headmaster, and he didn't want to be around him just then, he was bound to ask uncomfortable questions.
He wracked his brain for a few moments before turning around in the other direction and going to the charms corridor where the passageway to Honeydukes was found. He made it to the humpback witch without anyone seeing him, a miracle by Hogwarts standards when Peeves, Filch, Mrs. Norris, and Snape had the unpleasant habit of finding you precisely when you didn't want to be found.
He opened the passage way and ran halfway through it before slumping to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest, and rocking back and forth like he did when he was small and locked in the cupboard for something or other without realizing that tears were running down his face.
He was worthless, he couldn't do anything right. He couldn't keep his horrendous childhood from his most hated teacher when he kept it from everyone else, including Dumbledore and everyone knew how damned hard it was to keep a secret from that man. Merlin knew Snape was going to have a field day with that. And not only that! He had to throw away the one damned chance he had at denying his shame. He let his anger get the better of him… again… that's what killed Sirius.
Harry choked back a sob as a fresh wave of sorrow and guilt washed into his mind. It was his fault Sirius was dead, the only one who could have possibly understood, what with his mum like she was as a portrait he had to know what it felt like to grow up without any love or support. Hell… he might even know what it was like to experience pain inflicted by his relatives, even though Harry sincerely hoped not, Sirius had enough to deal with after Harry caused him to go to Azkaban because his parents were killed because Voldemort wanted Harry dead so that he wouldn't be a threat to his dark reign in the future.
Pain wracked Harry's soul, grieving at what he had done. It was his fault that the Wizarding world was at war again; his fault that people were dieing; his fault that people were suffering.
The Dursleys were right… He was a worthless freak that couldn't do anything right and didn't deserve to live, Harry thought as he fell into an exhausted sleep in the cold and dank passage way.
I
I
I
V
AN: PLEASE don't kill me...
I know we all want to see Snape's response....
its in the next chapter... grins evilly
review... pretty please?????
I promise that the next chapter is longer! The first sentance is 62 words long!
Confessions of Childhood
AN:
I don't own HP
I
I
I
V
Harry got to his feet shaking, facing Snape. He turned and started out of the room but was stopped by Snape saying, "Impedimenta!"
Once the spell wore off Harry faced Snape who was still staring at him in disbelief, "Potter, were you editing your thoughts trying to get sympathy from me so that I would go easier on you during your lessons? If so, you were sorely mistaken."
Harry stared at his professor, "Why the hell would I expect sympathy from you? You are a heartless bastard that invades my private life and takes pleasure in embarrassing me! You're just trying to make yourself feel better because you know that I'm nowhere good enough in Occlumency to edit my thoughts."
"That's not what you thought my childhood was like was it? No… I'm Perfect Potter, Spoiled Potter, Rich Potter, Trouble-Freaking-Making Potter!" Harry screamed at Snape, tears glistening in his eyes. "Did that look like pampering to you? Did it look like I was being spoiled rotten? Did it look like I was encouraged to be lazy? Or did it look a little too much like your own childhood for comfort? YES! I know because I saw your memories last year! You went through the same damn thing I did and still you didn't see that I wasn't anywhere NEAR spoiled?
"Or maybe your childhood wasn't as bad… Were my beatings similar to yours? Could you move after them? Did you suffer all the more because just upstairs there was a boy who was your relative, your damned cousin, who was being pampered and spoiled by the same people who pronounced you as a worthless freak who should have died with his parents?
"Were you punished for good grades because you had somehow used your abnormalities to switch test papers with your cousin? Were you beaten for running from your bully of a cousin causing him to trip on stones and scrape up his knees when he tried to catch you for more 'fun'? Was the only childhood game you were aloud to play called 'Harry-Hunting?' Was your first friendship to someone that asked to see your scar among the first things he asked you? Did your cousin make your school life just as miserable as your home life because it made his parents proud?
"Did anyone try to help you? Because as sure as hell, no one tried to help me. Would you like to know why Professor Snape?" Harry asked angrily glaring at the teacher. "Because they had money and time to spend on me. Oh not on anything trivial, like food, clothes, or medical attention, but enough to pay off certain people who just might suspect… And enough time with clever lies as 'He's sick,' 'He ran away,' or a favorite of theirs, 'He's being detained at a detention center because he stole something.'
"Oh I usually did steal something of great importance Professor," Harry admitted bitterly. "Like air from the home or water… Heaven forbid if I ate when they didn't give me permission!
"They locked me in the cupboard until my bruises faded and I would be presentable in public. Tell me Professor, were you so blinded by hatred of my father that you couldn't see that my childhood was nothing like his? Or did you just not give a damn?
"Are you happy now that you've seen Prince Potter beaten and belittled? Now you know everything! And as usual, you're going to use it to hurt me even more, don't worry… I can take it… you can't be worse than him," Harry finished coldly, all of the heat from his anger vanishing, and ran out of the door leaving Snape staring at the spot where he made his little speech.
Harry ran through the hallways, going towards the Room of Requirement before he stopped on the second floor, realizing that someone would look for him there if they knew he had just left the dungeons in such a fury, probably the Headmaster, and he didn't want to be around him just then, he was bound to ask uncomfortable questions.
He wracked his brain for a few moments before turning around in the other direction and going to the charms corridor where the passageway to Honeydukes was found. He made it to the humpback witch without anyone seeing him, a miracle by Hogwarts standards when Peeves, Filch, Mrs. Norris, and Snape had the unpleasant habit of finding you precisely when you didn't want to be found.
He opened the passage way and ran halfway through it before slumping to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest, and rocking back and forth like he did when he was small and locked in the cupboard for something or other without realizing that tears were running down his face.
He was worthless, he couldn't do anything right. He couldn't keep his horrendous childhood from his most hated teacher when he kept it from everyone else, including Dumbledore and everyone knew how damned hard it was to keep a secret from that man. Merlin knew Snape was going to have a field day with that. And not only that! He had to throw away the one damned chance he had at denying his shame. He let his anger get the better of him… again… that's what killed Sirius.
Harry choked back a sob as a fresh wave of sorrow and guilt washed into his mind. It was his fault Sirius was dead, the only one who could have possibly understood, what with his mum like she was as a portrait he had to know what it felt like to grow up without any love or support. Hell… he might even know what it was like to experience pain inflicted by his relatives, even though Harry sincerely hoped not, Sirius had enough to deal with after Harry caused him to go to Azkaban because his parents were killed because Voldemort wanted Harry dead so that he wouldn't be a threat to his dark reign in the future.
Pain wracked Harry's soul, grieving at what he had done. It was his fault that the Wizarding world was at war again; his fault that people were dieing; his fault that people were suffering.
The Dursleys were right… He was a worthless freak that couldn't do anything right and didn't deserve to live, Harry thought as he fell into an exhausted sleep in the cold and dank passage way.
I
I
I
V
AN: PLEASE don't kill me...
I know we all want to see Snape's response....
its in the next chapter... grins evilly
review... pretty please?????
I promise that the next chapter is longer! The first sentance is 62 words long!