Chapter 9 : So Now You Know
Remus awoke with a violent shake and sat up quickly. He looked around himself, panicked and then calmed as his eyes adjusted to the thin beam of moonlight that settled across the room from the window beside him. The dormitory room. His room. Was that some nightmare he'd been having? Surely that hadn't really happened? But he knew it had.
Remus wiped the back of his shaking hand over his cold and dampened brow. He weakly loosened his legs from the tangle of his covers and placed them gingerly on the cold floor. He stood up and for a whole moment he was steady. The next he was sitting back down on the bed, clutching his throbbing head in his hands, kneading his forehead with his knuckles. A dizzy whirl of darkness swooped over him and he swayed on the bed, knocking the room into a frenzied blur before him. His vision rocked like a rowing boat tossed on a storm-driven sea. Then suddenly the waves stopped crashing in his mind and things were clear again. He lowered his hands from his face and looked around. Things had sharper edges than he'd remembered. Two soft sounds drifted warily through the room. Sirius's breathing, the quietest of the two; came even and slow. His own, the other sound; less rhythmic. He paced his breathing and found the strength in his legs once more to stand.
His legs shook ever so slightly, then found a steady stance. He held onto his bedpost just to make sure, but let go after finding his legs strong enough to hold without support. He put his wand in his pyjama pocket and walked quietly over to Sirius's bed, being careful not to stir him or make any noise.
Sirius's face was dipped in a small particle of moonlight and shadows chased around his face. He would not be up for hours yet. It must have been about 5.00 am. Remus knew he couldn't have been asleep for more than half an hour. He knew he should probably have gone back to bed, but also that he'd never have gotten to sleep anyway. So he stood and watched Sirius, thinking..
Everything's gonna be different now, he thought. Me and Sirius'll never be the same. Has Sirius realized yet that it's him I love? What will he do when he does? Will he keep pretending that it never happened? That I never kissed him?
He thought how he still had up until New Year to spend alone with Sirius. Would they be able to stay together for so long? The full Moon was approaching too. Was he to spend that alone after all? Sirius was never going to stay with him now..Remus gasped as Sirius shifted slightly in his sleep and he felt that that was his cue to leave.
He walked over to the door and slipped through it. He stepped carefully down the stone staircase, cold against his bare feet. He considered going back for his slippers, but thought it too risky.
He entered the Common Room, empty but warm from it's still blazing fire. He rested himself into a seat by the fire and found his feet were still cold. So he got up and went to a small cupboard beside a window seat. He opened it and pulled out a thick yellow woolen blanket. As he was about to close the cupboard door, something shiny from the corner of his eye caught his attention. He looked back and saw that firelight reflected on the side of a shallow stone basin with carvings of runes and symbols around it's edge. He immediately recognised it as the Penseive Dumbledore had given him a loan of in his first year of Hogwarts. He pulled it out, sat it on the floor to close the cupboard then picked it back up and walked towards his seat.
He sat the bowl on the table beside him as he adjusted himself comfortably in his seat, cross-legged, the large blanket wrapped cosily around him. He reached over to the bowl and sat it steadily on his legs before taking out his wand.
Dumbledore had given it to him so that he would not remember his more painful transformations. He had been able to take these memories from his mind and place them in the basin. He hadn't used it since his friends had become animagi though, because no longer did he need the memories removed. But the penseive had another use. The use he was about to use it for now.
Remus placed his wand to his temple and muttered a spell instinctively. When he pulled the wand from his head, attached was a wiry silken thread-like substance that he placed carefully into the basin. It was a memory. The penseive would allow him to revisit this memory. This was the other purpose. Any memory he wished to see again, he just had to place it in the basin and view it at his leisure. It was a good way of remembering it more clearly. Certainly more vividly.
He watched as the silvery memory spread across the basin and began spinning inside it. He prodded it gently with his wand and the surface began to swirl even faster until it became transparent like glass. Through it, he saw, as though looking through a circular window in the ceiling, two small figures standing outside a building.
He moved his face towards the surface, then without any thought, plunged his face straight into the substance. The Common Room lurched from view and Remus felt the familiar feeling of being thrown headfirst into the basin. He was pulled into a dark, icy-cold whirlpool and he spun until suddenly he was standing. Beside the building. Beside the figures.
One was a coy-looking woman of about 35. Though she was dressed older, somehow. She had golden hair, pulled loosely back from her face in a slack braid. She looked very flustered and Remus looked up and saw a taxi. The driver was looking grumpily at the woman. She wasn't tall, but loomed a good two feet over the other figure.
It was a small boy with hazel coloured hair that hung over his forehead moodily. He looked frightened and was staring at the woman with wide, pleading eyes, brimming with tears. The woman pulled her light brown shawl back over her shoulder where it had slipped and placed her hand on the boy's arm. Remus stepped closer to hear what the woman said. "You'll be okay on your own? I would come but..", began the woman. It was Remus's mother. The boy, a younger version of Remus, looked up to her and nodded.
"It's okay, mum. You're in a hurry, I know", he said in a small voice and the woman smiled at him sadly. She embraced him and caressed his face with her hand before turning and entering the taxi without another word. Remus watched his younger version wipe a tear from his cheek and wave after his mother. And he noticed, sadly, that his mother did not even turn in her seat to wave back. She looked straight on until she was out of sight. Young Remus just stood there for a moment and the real Remus heard him whisper, almost inaudibly, "Bye, mum".
He followed himself into the large building that was the trainstation. This was the memory of his first day of Hogwarts. It wouldn't be long before he met.
He saw himself walking past the platforms, looking around at signs and other travellers. He smiled as his younger version frowned as he stepped closer between platforms nine and ten and then around him again. Remus laughed softly to himself as his memory asked a tall man in a brown overcoat how to get onto platform 9 and 3 quarters. The man was looking good-humouredly at him and had burst out laughing, causing the young Remus to flinch. The man had leaned down and said, "You're not the first one to ask me that y'know! Had several young 'un's coming up to me, asking that. There ain't no such platform! Is it from some sort of kiddie programme? I think one kid said it was called 'Hoggots'?" The real Remus burst out laughing at the thought of it. Young Remus was just shaking his head, telling the man he was sorry for wasting his time. The man had looked rather disappointed at not being told about 'Hoggots' and walked away, smile faded from his face. Excitement in Remus peaked as the moment approached..
"Hoggots! Great one!" Came a pleasant voice that clearly made young Remus jump. The older version just smiled adoringly as a figure stepped out from the side of the barrier between the platforms. He was just a little taller than Remus's mother had been and was bent double in laughter. He looked to see his own reaction and saw that he was staring, open-mouthed at the youngster before him and a strange look had glossed over his eyes. The boy stopped laughing and stood up properly and extended a hand to Remus. The young Remus stared up into the brightest blue eyes and across the tanned face, up beyond shining raven-black hair and travelled back down to the outstretched hand. Remus smiled again to himself as he identified the look in his younger version's eyes. Attraction. And his younger self flinched again as the handsome boy spoke with that rapturous voice.
"Sirius Black", he introduced himself, smiling with that familiar gorgeous wickedness. Ah, even then Sirius could have charmed the birds from the trees. Remus saw his young self flush and heard him stumble out his own name, "Remus Lupin". Sirius gave a bark of laughter and he saw his tensed self relaxing at the sound.
"I've been telling people all morning to go up to that man and ask him how to get there", Sirius explained. Young Remus laughed now, but flushed again as Sirius put his arm over his shoulder, "I know you've like, just met me and everything..but do you trust me?" Sirius asked happily. Remus' smile widened as his younger version nodded eagerly. Before he'd met Sirius, he'd always been wary of people. He'd never fully trusted a single person. Yet here, after just meeting Sirius, he was honestly telling him he trusted him. Well, Sirius seemed wickedly dangerous in one sense, but somehow completely safe to be with. He gave off an air of protection. Then that bark of laughter came again.
"Well, you shouldn't really trust somebody you just met..I could be some weirdo..but oh well. Glad you do. Right, some people say to go at a run...we'll just walk it I think", young Sirius said as he lead Remus towards the barrier, "Right. Don't stop walking, okay?" Young Remus nodded and closed his eyes as Sirius guided him through the barrier and onto the platform. The present Remus followed.
"That was amazing!" Young Remus exclaimed as he stared around him and back to the barrier. He scanned the place excitedly and looked back to Sirius, "Thanks. I thought I'd never get on the train". But Sirius waved away the thanks benignly and let go of Remus. Remus saw his past self looking confused and he knew exactly what he had been thinking. He hadn't known then why he felt at a loss when Sirius no longer touched him. He had already sought comfort in Sirius at such a short space of knowing him. This had been the beginnings of his love for him. True that, by the end of that day, he'd loved him more than he'd ever loved a single person in his life.
Remus laughed as his young version jumped yet again when Sirius led him by the arm saying, "C'mon, you've got to meet Jamie!". Then Remus felt a twinge of jealousy. Sirius and James had known each other since they could remember, but Remus had missed eleven years of Sirius's life. But both Remus's followed Sirius through the wizards crowded on the platform.
His smaller version almost bumped into Sirius as he stopped suddenly before a crowd of young wizards. Most of them looked like they were going into first year, but a few older wizards were scattered amongst them. Sirius cleared his throat loudly and people at the back turned around, progressing until the whole huddle were looking. And Remus noticed that his young form was confused again. He knew that he had been puzzled at why he was feeling overly jealous at the way the people were looking at Sirius. They were all raking him over with fervor and even the older version felt jealous again. Then from the center of the crowd came a young James.
"Sirius, where've you been? Been looking for you everywhere!", James said, embracing Sirius like a brother. Again, jealousy followed. And the crowd also looked jealous. Yes, Sirius was the most stunning person in view. Hard not to be jealous of anyone who got to hug him. Through the hug, James spotted Remus standing sheepishly behind Sirius. They parted, Sirius saying, "Just been around", then turning and pulling young Remus forward to meet James.
"So who's this, Siri?" James asked, smiling at Remus. Remus watched as his past self reached out a hand, taken by James's and said, "Remus Lupin. You're..Jamie?" He was not as shy as he had been with Sirius. He never had been all that shy, it had just been with Sirius. It had always just been with Sirius, just like the way he couldn't change his clothes in front of him.
"Yep. James Potter. So, Sirius..can I talk to ya a sec?" Remus looked to Sirius and he'd nodded and told Remus they'd be back in a second.
Remus took a great interest in this. Obviously James must have been about to ask who he was. But he had never known what he'd said because Jamie had taken Sirius away to talk. It was a nice privilege of the Penseive, the one where he was able to wander anywhere in a certain perimeter of the memories. He could hear things that he couldn't hear when he was living the moment because of this, as long as the people talking were close enough to where he was in the memory. So he would hear what Siri and Jamie were saying. He followed them through, leaving the young version behind, staring forlornly at the ground.
James stopped with Sirius and said, "Remus?" Remus looked at Sirius and saw he was grinning and nodding.
"Yep. He's one of us. I know it. I knew it as soon as I saw him. I dunno what it is, he don't seem the prankster we are or anything, just one of us somehow.." Remus smiled. Sirius had known they were meant to be friends.
"How long have you known him", James asked, his brow furrowed deep in annoyance.
Sirius was undaunted and shrugged, "About five, ten minutes..?" And James threw his hands in the air indignantly.
"Sirius! And in those ten minutes, what the hell had you convinced that he was 'one of us'?" Sirius's face turned blank with seriousness. He even looked a little angry at James for the annoyed tones he'd used.
"Jamie, you'll have to just trust me. I don't just think he's one of us. He is. I know it. Don't you bloody ask how. And you'll see it for yourself because he'll be hanging about with us!" Remus's jaw dropped. He'd never seen Sirius look or talk to Jamie like that. James mimicked the look as he was clearly aghast. That had obviously been the first time he'd ever done that, never mind just how long Remus had known them.
"Well!", Jamie breathed after a minute, "If you insist...I'll give him a chance". And Sirius grinned and patted him on the back. That got James grinning again and Remus saw how close they had been then too; as one grinned, the other gave in and grinned too. They walked back, Remus in tow.
The young Remus looked up as they approached and smiled widely as James patted him on the back and offered to help him get his trunk on the train. So James accepted me 'cos of Sirius, Remus thought gratefully.
Most people had gathered on the train already and the group were finding it hard to find an empty compartment. Not that nobody was offering; one look at Sirius and the people inside the compartments were beckoning them in. But the boys were refusing until they got to one where only a chubby young first year sat looking up nervously at them. They asked if it was okay and the boy told them yes, whilst going red.
The boy was Peter and this was his introduction to the group. Remus laughed as his young self blushed furiously and looked away when Sirius sat beside him. And he watched to see what Sirius would do or if he even noticed. Sirius looked curiously at him and shook his head, smiling as though he'd noticed, but figured it was nothing.
Probably put it down to imagination, Remus thought, or maybe just thought I was shy. The train ride was spent with the young boys getting to know each other. His young self would more than occasionally fall silent, but Remus noticed happily that Sirius worked to keep involving him in the conversations. It was ironic to think that if Sirius wasn't there he'd be talking anyway. It seemed strange to Remus how you could feel entirely at home and at peace with somebody like Sirius, yet feel shy at the same time. He'd always felt completely comfortable and secure with him, yet had always been embarrassed by his touch. That was the price of his attraction.
These thoughts dug into Remus's mind. It was because he was attracted to Sirius that he felt so shy. If he hadn't loved and felt the way he did about him, things could have been a lot better. The situation he faced now with Sirius would not be happening. And he'd maybe have been as close to him as James. How James managed it, he didn't know, but he did know that because he couldn't manage it, he'd ruined their friendship. Remus could see no way of him and Sirius ever being the same around one another. If only his feelings for him weren't so strong! But Remus knew that was an impossible thing to wish for. How was he going to act around Sirius now? He'd be awkward. He knew it. But if Sirius was going to pretend it never happened, or that it was the result of a Firewhisky too many, then he'd have to at least try. He only hoped that Sirius wouldn't wake up and decide he no longer wanted to be friends with a boy he knew at least fancied him.
Remus knew the journey to Hogwarts was very difficult for his young self. He knew he'd never felt so secure with any friends he'd ever had as much as he did then and that he had been terrified that he wouldn't get into the same house as them. He remembered hoping that they would not find out his secret of being a werewolf and fearing what would happen if they did. He watched as they all arrived at the castle and walked with them all as they followed Professor McGonagall to the top of the Hall and he watched his young version pay close attention to which house Sirius was placed in when he became the third person to put the hat on.
Sirius got a louder cheer than anyone as Gryffindor was called and both Remus's looked over jealously as people at the Gryffindor table leapt forward to greet him after having just gave a minor welcome to Karen Bell before him. But Karen Bell was all over him too. One moment brought a little sadness to Remus then, it was when an eleven-year-old Phoebe Fucirel had been sorted. But if Sirius didn't blame him for her death, he felt less guilty. Sirius did say that she hadn't needed to accept that dare. Remus was brought back by his own name being called. And as his younger version sat on that stool to be sorted, Remus knew that he had been begging the hat with his mind to be in Gryffindor.
When the hat called "GRYFFINDOR" after a toss up between that and Ravenclaw, Remus was very pleased to see Sirius cheering madly for him and calling him over to sit beside him at the table.
The meal was all very pleasant and he had cheered alongside Sirius for James, Peter and all the rest of the people who were placed, especially those in Gryffindor. When they were about to walk up to their Dorms, Sirius said he'd be up in a couple of hours and left, leaving young Remus to share a puzzled look with James. The older version was wiser to where Sirius was going. What was it he said? 'I brought this here in first year. The trunk. This seemed the perfect place to put it when Dumbledore said it was a forbidden forest. I came here with it on the first night' And that was what Sirius was doing now. God, he was brave back then too, Remus thought, going alone into that forest at night after just being told it was forbidden. First night here too!
They walked up and were taking in the sights before them of the famous moving staircases of Hogwarts, the moving portraits and pictures on the walls and the sheer size of it all. All first years gasped as they entered the Common room and Remus remembered loving it straight away. It was so cosy and warm and welcoming. Young Remus, James, Peter and the boy called Perry McKinnon were told which stairs to go up and they all excitedly ran up the stairs, even if it was late and they were all tired.
They all went over to their trunks that had been placed at the ends of their chosen beds and Remus saw his young self looking amazingly pleased to find Sirius' opposite to his own. They all changed into their pyjamas and sat in their comfortable beds, waiting for Sirius to return and talking about what they thought it would be like.
It wasn't too long before Sirius was bounding into the room, looking very smug with himself about something.
"Where've you been and what are you so pleased about?" James asked bemusedly from his bed. Sirius grinned, his eyes sparkling madly.
"Know how that greasy looking boy that tripped Peter up coming off the train?" Sirius asked. The others nodded. Snape had tripped him up and laughed through giving an unconvincing 'oops'. He had disappeared into the crowd before they could do a thing.
"Sirius! You might have told me you were gonna get him back! You know I'd have wanted to help! What did you do??" James began indignant then excitement overcoming him at the thought of what Sirius had done. Sirius walked over to his bed, all eyes on him and retrieved his pyjamas from his trunk before saying a word.
"Well, let's just say that he trailed grease all the way down to the Hospital Wing..." Sirius said and they all burst out laughing. Peter exclaimed a strange sound and they turned to him while he turned brick red again.
"Oh..it's just, you don't want to make enemies on the first day do you? And you'll get into trouble", Peter said unsurely.
"1, Peter, he made an enemy of himself. 2, what's a little trouble? 3, well, you should have seen him slipping in his own grease. Kinda disgusting actually..." Sirius replied and Jamie nodded in agreement while Remus frowned. He didn't much want trouble either.
"Wish I could have seen that..." Jamie said. Remus watched his younger self's eyes pop as Sirius began to change into his pyjamas.
"In a way, yes, you would wanna see it..have to have a strong stomach though", Sirius said, standing topless. Yes..strong, tanned stomach... Under the covers, Remus remembered what had been going on in his bed, he had had his first real arousal problem around Sirius, or ever, really. His first erection. He was twisting his hands in his sheets and his forehead was white with the strain of trying not to moan, gutteral, from the back of his throat. Whilst the young one looked away, the older Remus had the pleasure of looking on for however long he wished.
Looking around, Remus saw that the other three had not bothered to turn away and were watching him, open-mouthed. Only James seemed to be controlling himself, but then, Remus guessed he'd seen Sirius get ready before. He felt rather bad for his young self, not being able to look and all, and also because he'd been so confused that day about his feelings.
Once Sirius was changed and was in bed, normal conversation picked up again. That night, the five boys stayed up chatting all night and getting to know one another better. Remus remembered how knackered they had all been in the morning for first lessons. But it had been worth it, the more they talked, the more happy Remus had felt.
Remus smiled now, thinking of how this was the way he liked things, dreading going back to the nightmare of a reality in which it was even possible that Sirius might not speak to him again. He would liked to have stayed in that memory forever--or any other memory before Christmas for that matter--but he knew he had to go back. With one last long stare at Sirius, he left the memory.
Remus sat once more in the Gryffindor Common Room. He placed the memory back into his head and replaced the basin in the cupboard. Glancing all about the room, he found it as empty as before and he looked to the Dormitory stairs. Temptation to stay right where he was was overwhelming, but looking at his watch, he figured it would still be a while before Sirius got up anyway.
Standing on the first cold step, he looked to the top, and after a deep intake of breath, found the will to move. Upon reaching the top of the stairs, he was just about to turn the handle when he heard a noise within, a voice. Remus frowned, only Sirius was in there! He must be talking in his sleep, Remus figured, but pressed his ear against the door anyway. He didn't like what he heard.
"James, Remus kissed me", Sirius's voice came, muffled. James? He's away! But to Remus's surprise, James's voice returned, slightly more muffled, but there all the same. Remus had to cover his mouth with his hand as he almost exclaimed.
"He did? When?" James said in response. Remus was very confused. How could James be talking to Sirius? There were no fire places in the room, so he couldn't have appeared in the fire by using Floo. Unless James had somehow come back in the night. Remus wouldn't risk opening the door to find out. He needed to hear this.
"Last night, Jamie. I dunno what to do. I tried to pretend it was just 'cos we were drunk...but we'd long sobered up by then. What should I do?" Siri asked in a panicked voice.
"Calm down for a start. Maybe Remus wasn't as sobered as you?" he tried. Remus hoped to God that Sirius took it. He was grateful that Jamie was trying to put Siri off the scent. But it didn't work.
"No. He was sobered. Dammit. It was a good day as well. On Christmas Eve I broke up with Melanie and she went home, know how I told you she was getting too clingy? Well, I was kinda relieved that was over.. Anyway, me an' Moony were having a laugh. I noticed he seemed a bit down about something so I took him to this place I like to go - "
"What place?" Jamie interjected abruptly. Remus was sure Sirius was going to tell Jamie about the special room, but he didn't.
"- Just this place", he cut in, "and he seemed a lot better. We were drinking some Firewhiskey and having a laugh -" Jamie interrupted again. Remus bit his tongue when James said it, knowing where it might lead.
"What was up with Moony?"
"Oh, he was thinking about that girl he -" and Remus heard Sirius gasp as he stopped suddenly. Remus could see in his mind that Sirius had turned pale with shock. He, himself had turned it with nausea. An awkward silence reigned. James must have spotted his mistake as he tried a moment later to change the subject.
"So how did Mel take it?" more silence, "Sirius?" James sounded almost as nervous as Remus felt.
"But. No. Jamie?" Sirius said in disbelief.
"Sirius. Stop looking so dumb and just say it. You're making this very awkward you know" James said, attack being the best form of defense. Defending Remus.
"You knew. He told you about this. The girl...You knew there was no girl. Shit, Jamie, There was no girl!" Sirius raised his voice. Another silence stretched and Remus held his chest to stop his heart making so much noise and in attempt of making it stop hurting so much.
"Sirius, calm down" Jamie said at last.
"But all this time? It was me?....He--he--" Sirius trailed off and Jamie picked it up.
"Loves you, yes" he said and Remus felt hot tears burn a river down his cold cheeks. Apparantly he'd been crying already and hadn't noticed. Why did Jamie have to go and confirm it like that? But Remus knew it wasn't fair blaming Jamie, he had kept it quiet and tried to make Sirius miss it, but Sirius had got there on his own. There really had been no point in denying it there. Sirius suddenly broke the silence.
"Jamie...but he told me, when I asked about 'her'", Remus could feel the quotation marks on 'her', "how long he'd loved her for. He said, 'Since the first time I saw..her'. All these years, Jamie?" Sirius had a frantic edge to his voice, the most unfamiliar sound for him. Also, hurt. Remus almost stepped into the room to say it had all been one big joke or something equally unbelievable, but he was rooted to the spot. Unable to move in his despair and sadness.
"All these years, Sirius. Think how he feels--"
"That's the point, I've just found out 'how he feels'", Sirius cried rather mordantly and Jamie tried again.
"Think how he feels now. If you're devastated by this, think what's going through his head! Yes, Sirius, all these years, this is what he's dealt with...Where is he just now anyway?" Remus stupidly held his breath, incase they heard him.
"I dunno. When I woke up he was gone from the dorm.." So Jamie wasn't there or he'd know that much already. Then, where was he?
"What?" Jamie said, suddenly sounding worried. Remus pushed his ear closer to the door to hear, without moving it.
"The rest of the holiday, Jamie! I can't spend it alone with him now, I wouldn't know what to say to him. You've got to come here tomorrow, Jamie!" Sirius exclaimed and Remus felt an impetuous anger bubbling deep inside him at this. So Sirius couldn't bear to be alone with him for even several more days!
He heard no more of the conversation as it was ended rather unexpectedly with Remus storming through the door in a rage and shocking Sirius and James.
Sirius sat, aghast, alone in the room on his bed, holding some picture frame or something. Remus strode half-way across the room and stopped in a fury, glaring before he began to shout.
"So, what, Sirius? You don't trust me enough to stay a few more days with me", he spat in anger. Sirius looked to the thing in his hand and closed his mouth, head hung in a sort of shame. "And where's Jamie? I heard his side too, where is he?" he shouted, angry at Jamie for no reason.
Sirius sighed and looked up at Remus, holding up the frame-shaped thing in one hand and turning it to face Remus. It was a mirror. Or so it seemed to Remus at first. It was then he noticed that he could see Jamie's head and most of his shoulders.
"James' present to me for Christmas--" Sirius said.
"A two-way mirror kind of thing", Jamie said and had this been a different situation, this would have been the point where Remus gasped in awe at the device, at the two-way mirror and revelled in how cool it was and how useful it could come in. But that wasn't exactly what was going through his mind at that precise moment. He was still furious.
"So you coming tomorrow then, Jamie?" He said caustically. Jamie gave him a look of 'I don't deserve this' and said,
"I think I'd better, don't you? If this is the way you're gonna be!"
"And how am I expected to be?" Remus shouted again, Sirius staring at the floor.
"There's no need to be angry at Jamie, Remus", Sirius said, voice emotionless and monotonous. Somehow, this tone bit into Remus and made him even more angry.
"I'll be angry at who I want! It's nothing to do with you!" He yelled at Sirius and he looked up, a sudden sneer on his face.
"Somehow," his voice icily cold, "not being big-headed or anything, but somehow, I think it has everything to do with me. It's me this argument is all about is it not? About you, ruining friendships!" and Remus lost the words that had been about to spill forth. The wind seemed knocked out of him by that comment and the next voice was neither his nor Sirius'.
"Sirius! No friendships are gonna be ruined if you'll both stop shouting and talk this out properly" James cried, anxiously. But Remus couldn't take it any more. That had brought tears pouring fast from his eyes again and he turned, quickly found his day robes and took them to the bathroom to change. He didn't bother trying to hear what Sirius said to Jamie or even Jamie's response. He didn't listen when Sirius knocked on the bathroom door, telling him to come back out. He changed quickly, opened the door and shoved passed Sirius, throwing his pyjamas on his bed before almost running out of the room and slamming the door in Sirius's face.
As he ran down the steps, nobody pursued him and he kept on running until he found himself out of the Common Room and running down a corridor of the suddenly immense Hogwarts, not running anywhere in particularly.
.--.
Sirius stood, looking at the closed door for a while. Jamie's voice made him look away as he remembered he was still in the two-way mirror. He didn't know what to think..or to feel. He was angry, sad, guilty, annoyed and confused all at the one time. And, yet, a few things seemed to now be fitting. Things that had happened with Remus.
"Sirius you two have got to talk this out" James said, cautiously, unsure of what Sirius could be thinking. Sirius went back over to his bed and sat down, not knowing what to do.
"I can't, Prongs. Can't you see this has changed everything?" James clearly hadn't wanted to hear that and Sirius, himself, felt his heart constrict at the very same thought. He said it, "This is the end of us. The Marauders" and James gasped.
"You can't mean that Sirius! He can't help his feelings for you! C'mon, it's not the first time you've found out somebody was in love with you" he said quickly. Sirius looked at him.
"That's different--"
"How?" Jamie said, getting alarmed more and more every minute. Sirius sounded a small, mirthless laugh.
"They weren't one of my best mates, were they?" And Jamie struggled to find an answer. "You know it can't go back to normal. Not now I know this. That he felt that for so long. It's obviously affected our friendship in the past, Jamie" he said, thoughtfully.
"How? How has it?" James asked anxiously. Sirius smirked.
"Like you don't know", Jamie bit his lip in guilt, "You've known since...since the start of sixth year! First day back! I remember. What about the time he wouldn't talk to me? I thought I'd done something wrong...He fainted at Hogsmeade at that dare!" Sirius began remembering, "When you encouraged me to take on the dare! Why didn't you tell me? Why did you encourage that dare to kiss him? Why didn't you tell me Prongs?" He repeated and James let out a long sigh.
"Padfoot, you know that if it was you, you'd have kept the secret too. I wasn't meant to figure it out, but I did. He didn't want me to say anything and we don't do that do we? We don't pass on secrets of each others?"
"No, because we don't keep secrets from each other! Or, supposedly we didn't" Sirius began. Suddenly he remembered his secret room in the forest with guilt.
"What, you're saying you've never kept a single secret? I find that hard to believe, no matter how close we are. Come on! You know I couldn't have told you!" Sirius nodded and his voice almost cracked when he spoke.
"I know", his voice was so small and unlike him, "When can you get here?" James thought for a minute.
"I'm afraid not today or tomorrow. I get home from my holiday tomorrow, but there's no way my mum will let me away from the family while relatives are over. They should probably have all left by late tomorrow...So, 28th? I should be back then."
"Okay. Fine. As long as you're back before the full moon on the 29th. I'm gonna go now. See you then", Sirius said and after James said goodbye, he wrapped the mirror up in a cloth and put it into his trunk.
He couldn't tell how long he sat there, trying to make sense of things, registering the extent to what this meant. Why did Remus feel like that? He'd given him no reason to feel that way about him. He'd just been plain Sirius around Remus, 'cos he was one of his best mates. The girls that had felt that way hadn't known him really. They were the one's he'd go out with for a couple of weeks, sleep with a couple of times, that sort of thing. He wasn't friends with them. He was friends with Remus. Did Remus want to have what they girls had? Did Remus not want to be friends? Did Remus want to sleep with him? It was all too much. He tried to do as James said and imagine how he felt, but it was no use. He just couldn't believe that Remus could--did--feel sexualy attracted to him.
"Can't he love some other bloke" he cried out in anger at the empty room, his voice echoing blindly back to him in a taunt of his rage. ,--,--,--,--,--,--,