Chapter 2

The sound of a hesitant knock at his door caused Harm to slowly lift his forehead from the cool glass of his window where he'd been watching the early evening snow fall continue. The cold weather of that morning had turned into something of a winter nightmare, and it looked like by morning Washington would be under a heavy blanket of the white stuff.

Grabbing the mug he'd left on the coffee table, Harm took a long sip of his now cool, mulled wine, on his way to the door. On a normal day he could have told who it was by the knock, but on a day like today, all bets were off. It could be anyone from his young neighbor to his mother.

Opening the door, he found his young neighbor standing there still wearing her snow dusted uniform overcoat.

"Jen," Harm greeted her warmly.

"You said we'd talk," Jen blurted out as she pushed past Harm to stand inside his apartment looking everywhere but at him.

"Can I get your coat? Would you like some wine? I can heat some up for you if you want," Harm offered, closing the door.

As Harm helped Jen take her coat off, he noticed the glistening moisture gathering in her eyes again. "Hey, none of that now," he said softly, hanging her coat up on a hook next to the door.

"I just don't understand, sir," Jen whispered. "None of us do."

"Come on, let's sit down. It'll be more comfortable than having this conversation standing here," Harm smiled, as he led Jen towards the couch. "Now then, I suppose you've got a few questions."

Settling herself on the couch facing her neighbor/friend/savior, Jen blinked back the tears that were threatening to overwhelm her. "Why, sir?"

"No more 'sirs', Jen. Even though it's not official yet, we can go with 'Harm'," Harm chuckled with a quick thought as to whether he'd be able to break his friends of the habit of calling him sir now. Biting his bottom lip he thought for a minute, trying to figure out how best to explain it to the young Petty Officer. "Jen, I honestly don't think I could tell you why, at least not fully."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated," Harm said with a bitter little laugh. Looking at his young friend he sighed and thought of the question he'd asked the General earlier.

"Jen, have you ever thought that you were doing more harm than good to those around you? That maybe, where you were wasn't where you were supposed to be?"

"Every day of my life until I met you, sir," Jen answered after a moment's thought. "I wasn't doing any good to the people around me; in fact, they were just marks a lot of the time; you know, people I could run my next scam on. I never felt like I fit in, nothing ever felt right, until you helped me turn my life around. But what does that have to do with you, si…Harm?"

Harm stood up with a sigh and walked over to the window to once more look out at the falling snow. "Because that's how I feel, Jen."

"How can you say that, sir? How can you feel like you don't belong at JAG anymore?" Jen was shocked and horrified.

"Jen, you know as well as I do that military personnel should never get too comfortable with their billets. They could get called away at any time, transferred anywhere in the world."

"But you're not transferring sir, you're…you're leaving us, Harm," Jen unsuccessfully tried to keep the catch out of her voice. "Is it because of Mattie?"

"I'd be lying if I said that didn't help influence my decision," Harm said thoughtfully. "She helped me in more ways than I helped her, I think. And part of that was her helping me put my life into perspective."

"What do you mean?"

Turning away from the window Harm looked at Jen pensively. "Jen, you're a beautiful young woman. Can I give you a piece of advice?"

"Of course si…Harm."

"Never settle, but when the time comes, grab hold of your dreams and make them your own."

"What do you mean, sir?"

"I have recently come to realize that of all my dreams, I grabbed onto the ones that were fleeting in nature; the ones that I should have chased down, I gave up on too easily. Much too easily."

"You're talking about the Colonel aren't you?" Jen gasped.

Harm slowly finished off his mulled wine, buying himself time to think about how he wanted to answer that question. It was, in actuality, a question he had been asking himself all afternoon. How much of this had to do with Mac? Was he really giving up on a chance for them? Was there anything to give up on? She had said never, even though they'd made strides, even though she'd told Webb where to stick his secrets and lies, there was just something…missing. Something was gone from their relationship, and for the life of him he couldn't figure out what it was, or how to get it back.

"Sir?" Jen asked after Harm had been deadly quiet for three minutes without answering her question. "Harm?"

"That's a tough one Jen. After nine years Mac has become…entwined in my life. Everywhere I look she's there, but not in the way I want her to be. Maybe…oh hell, I don't know. Maybe I just need to take a step back, to gain some perspective."

"But Harm…we all thought things were going better between you two."

With a twisted little ghost of a smile Harm chuckled wryly. "It always is Jen. It gets better, then it gets worse, until we're taking petty shots at each other to prove that even when we hurt each other, we can dish it back out. That's not the kind of relationship I want with her, Jen."

"Do you love her, Harm?" Jen asked softly.

"Enough to walk away from her," Harm whispered harshly.

"How is that loving her? Have you told her? What is walking away going to solve?"

"Jen, please, just trust me. I saw how happy she was with Webb. She deserves to be happy; more than anyone Sarah Mackenzie deserves to be happy." Harm whispered with fierce conviction. "And if I can't give that to her, and apparently I can't, then it is selfish of me to stand in the way of her finding someone that will give her happiness. I want her to be happy Jen."

"But does that mean you have to leave the Navy, leave JAG?" Jen jumped up and started pacing. "Are you at least staying in DC, sir?"

"Yes, Jen. It does mean that I have to leave JAG. What other billets are there for me? I'll never make Captain, there aren't many options left for me. I think it's best for everyone if I just gracefully faded away. And for the time being, I think it would be best if I wasn't in town; besides, there are things I need to do, obligations I have too long ignored."

"But.." Jen started, but was stopped by Harm placing a hand on her shoulder.

"No buts Jennifer. I'm sorry, but it's how I feel things need to be, for now at least."

"I don't have to like it, sir," Jen's eyes hardened as she set her shoulders. She would accept his wishes, but there was nothing that would make her like them.

"I never said you had to. Now I have a favor to ask of you."

"Anything Harm."

"Well, it's of you and Harriet, when you talk to her, no parties. I don't want a going away party where everyone can come and tell me how much they'll miss me. Fading away is best done quietly."

"But…"

"No buts, Jen. No buts. I don't need to hear how much you'll miss me; I know how much I'll miss you and the others. That's all I need, that and the memories I have."

"Alright," Jen agreed grudgingly. "But you get to explain to Harriet when she comes looking for you. I still don't understand why you need to leave though. I mean, I get leaving JAG…it must be hard seeing the Colonel everyday. I get that. But why do you need to leave town completely?"

Turning back to the window Harm stared out at the solid curtain of white that was now falling like frozen tears from heaven. "To find out where I belong, Jen. I don't know the answer to that anymore," he whispered softly, unsure if she heard him or not.