A/N First off, sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. A couple factors contributed to that; mainly writing this scene between Harm and Mac was a tough balancing act.
Chapter 3
Restlessly, Harm stood up from where he'd been sitting on the steps down the hall from Mac's apartment. After his discussion with Jennifer, he'd been consumed with the need to see Mac one more time before he left, to talk to her, and maybe, just maybe, explain why he needed to do what he was doing.
Unfortunately, when he'd tried calling her there was no answer at home or on her cell phone. He'd left messages on both lines and realized that perhaps she didn't want to see him, that she couldn't say goodbye this last time.
Throwing caution to the wind, he got into his SUV and drove over to her apartment only to find that she wasn't home. With a quick glance at his watch he was startled to see that he'd been sitting on the steps in the stairwell for forty five minutes. Consciously, he had to resist the urge to get up and go knock on her door again, and instead promised himself that if she didn't show up in fifteen minutes he'd let himself in using his spare key and leave her a note, with the key, asking to call him.
Slowly, he pulled out his wallet and removed the key from where it had sat for years wearing a small key shaped embossing into the worn leather. With a little smile he thought back on the days when Mac and he had exchanged spare keys; such a simple act, yet one of such trust. If he was to be honest with himself he hadn't even thought of using her key in years; for some reason he wasn't sure the trust was still there, and had actually found himself thinking about returning it more than once.
With a final glance at his watch to assure himself that the self-appointed fifteen minute deadline had indeed passed, Harm closed his fist on the key and slowly stood to use it one last time. As he was moving out into the hallway he heard the sounds of shoes on the stairs coming up from below. With a slow shake of his head he couldn't help but smile. He would know the sound of her walk anywhere. Slowly he wandered down the hall to stand outside her door and wait for her to finish climbing the stairs.
He heard her coming up the last of the stairs and then the muffled tread of her steps upon the carpeting in the hall behind him. He heard her steps shudder to a stop when she looked up at saw him. Slowly, he turned around to face her and saw every question she had flash through her eyes, questions he wasn't sure he'd be able to provide answers to.
"Well that would explain why you weren't answering your door," she finally said stiffly in her soft, rich voice.
"I had to see you, to talk to you," Harm answered quietly. "I didn't know you were going to my place. I tried to call. Mac…"
"Harm, do you really want to do this in the hallway?"
"No, I suppose not," Harm admitted with a small shrug.
Silently he waited for her to unlock the apartment and lead him inside. Once in the apartment they both studiously avoided talking for what seemed like hours until finally they could neither one of them bear the silence anymore. From where he was standing in front of the fireplace gazing at the pictures on the mantle, Harm turned and looked at the woman who was sitting rigidly on the couch, waiting for him to begin. Opening his mouth, he tried to form the words he had been practicing over and over for the last hour, only to find they had all fled before the winds of his emotions. Closing his mouth slowly Harm closed his eyes and sighed deeply before quickly turning to gaze at the fireplace, an apparently safer focal point for the moment.
"Were you going to send me a postcard?" Mac asked quietly, her heart in her voice.
"Oh Mac, I was going… I am going to tell you, I'm just not sure I have the words," Harm stated softly after a moment, locking his eyes back on the pictures of their past together. When Mac didn't answer right away he gradually turned around to look at her. "I'm guessing you're wondering why."
Releasing the lungful of air that she'd held in, Mac shook her head. "I think I can answer why for myself, Harm."
Chewing on his lower lip, Harm walked over and sat down on the couch across from her. "I'm not sure you can, hell, I'm not sure I can. It's…"
"Complicated," Mac finished. With a bitter twist she added, "Isn't it always?"
"Not like this, Mac. Nothing is ever more complicated than it is when it comes to you." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Harm realised he should have chosen his words more wisely.
"Is that a fact?" Mac had been struggling not to let herself break down this time, but her anger at the words she'd just heard, washed away the tears she'd been holding in. "Well, pardon me for complicating your life."
"I didn't mean it like that Mac, you know that. I like how you complicate my life, well most of the time," Harm flashed a smile, hoping to prevent the damage he knew his comment could cause.
"Then why Harm? Why are you leaving? Why give up your career? Just…why?" Mac struggled to keep the plaintive note from her voice, but as much as she hated to admit it, she knew she was at the breaking point.
"The best answer I can give you is because I don't know where I belong anymore, Mac. I thought I did, but as each day goes by I become less and less sure that I know anything," Harm admitted with another deep sigh. "Because you deserve to be happy."
"And you think by leaving, you're going to make me happy? What kind of twisted, screwed up Rabb logic is that?"
Closing his eyes for a moment, Harm stepped away from the fireplace, only to begin pacing the apartment like a trapped wildcat. "The kind born from the hardest decision I've ever had to make, Mac. Do you think it was easy for me? To decide to chuck it all away again? Do you know how hard it was admitting to myself that you were better off without me? Facing up to the fact that it was because of me you're not happy? That it was my fault you never laugh anymore?"
"Better off? Your fault? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Look, Mac. For the better part of a decade we've been locked in this…orbit of each other. We can't take a step closer, and neither one of us is willing to take a step back. But you did something I've been unable to do Mac, you tried to break away, you tried to be with Webb. I know it didn't work out, and for that I can't tell you how sorry I am, but the fact is you tried. At first I didn't understand why, I let my own feelings blind me to why you would try. But I see now Mac, I understand now."
"You understand now? Did you fall out of a chair again? Seriously Harm, what are you babbling about? You want me to be with Webb?" Mac didn't even try to hide her confusion. Even though she'd meant it as a joke, suddenly she was very concerned that Harm had hit his head again.
"With Webb?" Harm laughed bitterly. "As tough as it is to admit it, if he makes you happy, Mac, then yes. If he makes you smile, if he makes you laugh, then yes. If not him, then you deserve a chance to find someone who does."
Suddenly, Harm stopped his pacing and before Mac could respond he was moving towards the door. "Look Mac, I'm sorry, but I can't be here right now, I just can't do…this. I have to do leave Mac, please try to understand. Right now, right now you're the only one who can stop me from leaving, but I need to. I need to get away, to find myself again," he babbled as he grabbed his jacket. "Look, I'm not sure where I'll end up, but I'll let you know when I get there."
And with that he was through the door, moving as quickly as he could without running to the stairwell. He hated himself for being weak, for being selfish. As the stairwell door closed behind him, he stopped and leaned against the wall and closed his eyes again. He could feel the tears that raged against his eyelids screaming to be let free, but he fought against them, trying to keep them contained. With a shuddering breath, he opened his eyes and pushed away from the wall, his resolve firmly back in place. She might not see it right now, but his leaving was what was best for her, of that Harm was completely sure.