Chapter 4.
The sorting ceremony was blissfully short in Hermione's opinion. After the carriages had dropped them off at the castle Ron and Harry had caught up with her and Ginny and ever since they had all sat down in the Great Hall together the two boys had been giving her strange looks.
Finally when the tables were laden down with all the deserts a person could want at the end of the meal Hermione snapped.
"What the bloody hell do you want!" she shouted at the two boys sitting across from her. The entire hall fell silent. Even the teachers stopped with forks and spoons halfway to their mouths as they turned to stare at the Gryffindor table.
Harry and Ron exchanged what they thought was a quick look. Unfortunately for them it wasn't and Hermione very quickly interpreted it. They thought she was crazy. That she had gone off her rocker. When neither of them spoke up and continued instead to sit there in silence the dark haired girl stood up and walked out of the hall so quickly that a few students later swore if you hadn't been staring at her when it happened you would have thought that she had just apparated out of the hall.
Meanwhile over on the other end of the hall at the Slytherin table Draco craned his neck to try to see who the dark haired mystery girl was yelling at. After instructing Crabbe and Goyle several times to move their heads, which they just seemed unable to comprehend, Draco gave up and reached for a dessert. He stared down unbelieving at the dessert he had chosen. Pumpkin pie. He hadn't had pumpkin pie since he was six years old. He remembered it well. It was his one and only foray into the muggle world.
His dad had been out of England on some kind of business and so his mom had decided to take him somewhere he'd never been before. Muggle London. He remembered how scared he'd been at first when they had stepped out of Diagon Alley onto the main side street. It had taken over three hours before his mom convinced him that he wasn't going to be hurt. His fears had finally been completely assuaged when his mom had taken him into a bookstore. There had been so many books. Rows and rows full of them. And nobody seemed to be in a hurry. His mom had been so happy to see him excited. She'd even bought him a book. He had to keep it a secret from daddy though, his mom told him. Daddy would be upset if he knew about their little trip. So it had become their secret and later on that day when they stopped at a restaurant for lunch he and his mom had shared a slice of pumpkin pie for dessert. His mom promised him then not to worry that they would come back over and over. Unfortunately that was the one and only outing he and his mom had ever had together. He often resented her for it because if she had never taken him out that day then he would have never known how nice it was in the muggle world and he wouldn't be plagued with doubts about what other things his father could be wrong about.
Draco pushed away from the table and stalked off in the direction of the dormitories. His grandmother had been right. Sometimes ignorance was bliss.
Up in the dormitories Hermione heard footsteps coming up the stairs and quickly hid a box that had been in her lap under her bed and quickly laid down with her eyes closed and pretended to already be asleep as the other girls filed into the bedroom. She really didn't feel like talking to anyone.
All the girls had finally settled into their beds and started to snore when Hermione started to reach under her bed for the box again when she noticed a shadow enter the room out of the corner of her eye. It set something down beside the bed and crawled underneath the covers beside her.
"Mione, can I stay here for tonight? Please...I need to be somewhere safe." the shadow whispered to her.
Hermione shifted slightly and turned over so she could hug the other girl.
"You are always welcome here Ginny. You know that." she said softly against the red-head's hair. Just before drifting off to sleep her mind questioned a part of what her friend had said. Safe. Why wasn't Ginny feeling safe in her own room?
Early the next morning the other Gryffindor girls were awakened to the sound of someone retching. But when they went in the bathroom and found it empty they shrugged and thought it was Peeves playing a trick on them. Figuring they were already awake they all got dressed and headed down to breakfast in the Great Hall.
Ginny rolled over onto her back, thankful that none of the girls had been intelligent enough to pull the curtains back from the bed, and realized that she wasn't the only one still in bed. Hermione slowly, almost sluggishly, sat up on the other side of the bed. Neither looked at the other as they got dressed for class and gathered their books into their bags. Ginny was so wrapped up in trying to quell the waves of nausea she was feeling that she didn't notice the small box her friend got out from under the bed and slipped into her bag. Both turned and started down the stairs towards breakfast. It was time to face another day.
Hermione watched as Ginny tried to eat a piece of dry toast to appease her brother who was harping at her about not eating enough lately. Taking pity on her she quickly grabbed the piece of toast from Ginny's plate when Ron wasn't looking and added it to her plateful of food that she hadn't touched. Ginny mouthed her a thank-you just as the owls flew overhead and dropped their schedules in their laps. Hermione glanced at hers and inwardly groaned. Advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts first thing. She really didn't want to face Professor Lupin so soon.
As she walked down the hall she began to get shaky and nervous. The closer she got to class the more jittery she became. Finally she made up an excuse to Ron and Harry who were walking with her (they had apologized for their behavior the night before) and ran towards the nearest girls' bathroom. Praying it was empty she slammed the door open and looked in every stall just to make sure before she sat down on the seat in the last one and took the small wooden box out of her bag. Carefully she took the key from around her neck and undid the lock and opened the box.
She stared at the contents for a full minute before making up her mind and taking out what she needed. A few seconds later she closed her eyes and steadied her hands as she guided the needle into the vein in her arm. It burned for a second as she emptied the contents of the syringe into her bloodstream and then it stopped. Everything stopped. The fear, the emptiness, the nervousness, her hands stopped shaking and finally her head stopped spinning. It all just blissfully stopped.
Then the voices started. Inside her head. Mocking her. Laughing at her. So this is the only way you can feel normal? Look at you, hiding in a bathroom. Hiding away your fears by using drugs. You should be ashamed! Drugs! What would your mother say if she knew? ASHAMED. Her perfect daughter failing life. You should be punished! FAILURE. Drugs are wrong! You should feel guilty! PUNISH. What would your dad say? GUILTY. Do you think Dumbledore will still give you the head girl badge next year if he knew about this? PUNISH. Professor McGonagall sure wouldn't be proud of you anymore. PUNISH.
Sobbing Hermione dropped the needle and grabbed a knife from inside the box. She held it to her arm as the voices swarmed inside her head. Daring her. Mocking her. Over and Over.
What? Are you afraid now? Afraid to feel? Afraid to admit that you aren't perfect...that you can hurt! Just let it go! PUNISH YOURSELF! You are supposed to be the example for everyone else! And what happens when someone does something wrong? They get punished! PUNISH YOURSELF NOW OR GO AND ADMIT EVERYTHING TO SOMEONE ELSE SO THEY CAN PUNISH YOU INSTEAD! NOW!
Quickly she pressed the blade down and drew it across her arm repeatedly. She watched, tears swimming in her eyes, as the blood welled up and flowed over her arm to drip onto the floor. Setting down the knife she pulled a length of gauze out of her bag and carefully bound her arm from wrist to elbow and then pulled her robe's sleeve down. Quietly she sat with her eyes closed and listened to the voices recede into the back of her mind with their taunting laughter.
A few minutes later with sure and steady hands Hermione put everything back into the box, locked it, slid it back into her bag and headed off to class.
Author's Note:
Okay so my plan for getting a chapter out per week isn't going to work. Mainly because I can't seem to get in the mood to write that much when I am already tired from taking care of Eden all day long and then my husband comes home and I have to take care of him too.
But anyways. Hope you like some of the plot twists and strangely enough I told my husband I was going to try to keep all characters in character in this story but then he read some of my plot lines and informed me that to do that with some of my story bits I am going to have to have many delving into the past forays and I am going to have to go into certain characters minds and alter their thinking slowly over time.
So now it's all complicated. But it should work itself out. Hopefully.