Sanzo leaned back against the wall of Goku's apartment building, idly puffing on a smoke. He kept a careful eye on his watch and, exactly ten minutes after he'd done so before, reached up and pressed the buzzer to Goku's number. He'd been doing this for the last two hours, every ten minutes, and would continue until the brunette finally became annoyed enough to answer.
It had been three days since he'd last come, since his insightful meeting with Gojyo and Hakkai. Despite the age difference, he got along well with the two grandparents. Their adopted son's daughter had been by one of the days, and was delightfully cute.
However, despite their constant nudges, Sanzo hadn't returned to Goku's place until today. It was a lot to digest, especially the fact of how unbelievable it was. Now, he believed it as truth, but how exactly was he supposed to broach the subject with Goku himself? Especially when the youth refused to talk to or see anyone.
It was difficult to grasp the fact that, in this day and age, there were still things as demons. Goku was human, but he still held such a thing within himself. It was a scary thought, but not enough for Sanzo to give up. He didn't care if there was something abnormal about the brunette, that didn't change who he was. Tomorrow, if Goku were to be chopped in half and had to walk around on his hands, Sanzo wouldn't love him any less or find him any less attractive. It would be a struggle to get used to the idea, as was this demon thing, but Sanzo wanted to at least be giving the chance!
It took four more rings before Goku finally gave in.
"Who is it?"
"I know what's wrong, Goku," Sanzo stated at the same time, not wanting the intercom to turn off before he could get out what he wanted to say. "I don't care what you are, I care about who you are. And keeping yourself locked away isn't going to solve anything. Can we at least talk about it?"
"How did you find out?" Goku asked after a long pause.
"I met with your two friends. They certainly didn't beat around the bush. They're worried about you, by the way. And so am I."
Silence stretched for a long moment, before the door buzzer sound. Sanzo wasted no time getting inside, half-running up the staircases until he got to Goku's floor. The brunette was waiting in the hall, looking pale and tired but just as desirable as before. His shirt was slightly wrinkled but, other than that, he looked fine.
Following his instincts, Sanzo grabbed the youth and pulled him close, wrapping his arms tightly around those slender shoulders. "Don't you ever do something like that again," he snapped, tightening the hug. "You can't just lock yourself away when something upsets you. You might of been able to pull it off before, but you've got to realize that there are people out there who actually do give a damn, you know. What if you'd gotten hurt? I was terrified that I'd get in here, and find you half-dead on the floor!"
He felt Goku's shoulders start to quiver under his hands, could hear the sniffles the other was making. "I'm scared. I don't want to be, but I am. I feel like I don't have control of my own body. What if I hurt someone again? I mean, it could be as easy as someone accidentally knocking me over while I'm walking around. I mean, everyone's first instinct is anger and annoyance, even if they do rationalize that it was just a mistake. What if, in that second, this thing takes control of me and I attack that person? What if I kill someone again?!"
Sanzo glanced around and was glad to see the hallway was empty. He pushed Goku's door all of the way open, leading the crying youth inside where they would be able to talk without the danger of someone over hearing.
As soon as the door was shut, Sanzo took Goku's face in his hands. He made sure that the other was paying attention to him, his thumbs absently moving to brush the tears away. "You have got to stop worrying about 'what if'," he stated, his tone sharp but without malice.
"But-" Goku started.
Sanzo interrupted him. "Hakkai told you he could help teach you how to keep control. You did it before, all on your own, even if you don't remember how. You CAN control this, Goku. I'm not going to sit back and let you become a shadow of a person. I'm not going to let you pretend that nothing's wrong, or to act like everything's wrong. The truth is that whatever this is, it's just a part of you. It's always been there, and always will be, and I KNOW that you have the ability to keep it at bay. You just need help. And, despite what you might thing right now, you've got three people ready and willing to do what they can to help you."
"Three?" Goku echoed, his crying stopped as he returned Sanzo's serious gaze. "I didn't think there was any way I could tell you the truth. It was easier just to stop seeing you. I mean, how can you want to be around something like me? I didn't think that you'd ever be able to accept it."
Sanzo nodded slowly. "I was shocked, to say the least. First, to know that you'd killed Yamakura. When you said that, I couldn't believe it. Things just didn't add up. I know that, as you are now, you'd never be able to harm someone. I'm kind of glad that things turned out this way. At least it makes some sense."
Goku snorted. "Yeah, right. I can just imagine. 'Innocent on account to the fact that he was being controlled by his demonic spirit.' As if that's any real excuse."
"Well, it helps anyway. It's like someone who commits a crime who has a split personality. They aren't aware of it, or that they've committed the crime. Because of that, they get helped instead of just being carted off to jail. It doesn't change what happened, but it means that you can work on making sure it never happens again."
Goku nodded at his words, looking more at ease, but Sanzo had to ask the question that had been haunting him the most.
"What happened that day?"
Goku's eyes slid away and he frowned. "Remember when I told you that I'd never dated before? Well, I met Mazaki at his school, after classes were over while he was practicing for track. I'd always wanted to go to back to school, so I was watching from outside the grounds. We started talking, and got along well. I was excited at the thought of having a friend. Apparently, Mazaki thought that those times we'd gone out were dates. I thought we were just two friends catching a meal and movie once and a while. Since I didn't have a job, I didn't even think there was a meaning behind him paying for things and buying snacks for me and such."
"On that night, after we left the theater, Mazaki tried to kiss me. I pushed him away, and he was really insulted by that. I was shocked that he'd thought we were boyfriends, and we ended up arguing. He pulled me into a the alleyway because people were starting to stare at us. I was pissed off because he wouldn't just let the misunderstanding go. He didn't want to be 'just friends', especially after taking me out so many times, and told me so. He pushed me, really hard. I slammed up against the wall, and I can remember the pain that sliced through my skull and back. After that, there's nothing until the next morning."
Although he knew he should of been disturbed by the information, Sanzo just felt relieved. "Self-defense," he breathed with a smile, settling himself down on the couch.
"Self-defense?" Goku echoed, his brows shooting up.
Sanzo nodded. "Obviously you overreacted, thanks to that little demon inside of you somewhere. But he instigated the fight by pushing you. Where you supposed to just stand there and let him continue to yell and strike at you? It might of not been a punch, but could of easily became one. In the end, if you were a regular person, and had pushed him back, he likely would of hit you. Then you would of hit him back, and it would of ended up in a full-out physical fight. If Yamakura had ended up dead that way, it would still be self-defense because he was the one who struck first. You're entitled to defend yourself from an attacker, with any means necessary to escape."
Goku frowned. "You're talking like you want me to turn myself in to the police," he said wearily.
The blonde frowned. "Before finding out the whole story, I probably would of said yes. But even if it was in defense, there is no way to explain away Yamakura's injuries without having to delve deep into the case. The police would want to know how, and you were right that you can't mention demonic possession. Your self-protecting instincts took over in a big way, but it's likely that not many people would understand it as I've come to. It would be too much of a risk."
Goku shook his head, looking down at the floor with a sigh. "So that's it then? We just try to put it behind us and move on? I've felt so guilty over the years, I don't think I can do that. I can't turn myself in, because I'd never get a fair trial, but I can't just sit here and do nothing either."
"What about doing something for the Yamakura family?" Sanzo suggested. When Goku looked up at him, he continued. "We can brainstorm something we can do to help. Nothing will every take away the fact that they've lost their child, but maybe we can do something to appease that pain a little. Maybe petition to get a park named after him or something."
Honestly, as far as Sanzo was concerned, someone who would try to force someone to have a relationship with him to the point of violence deserved exactly what he got. But, if it meant that Goku would feel better, he'd do his best to come up with a feasible idea.
Goku suddenly laughed, a strangely choked sound. There were tears in his eyes again, although they didn't spill over this time. The brunette slid over on the couch until he was seated next to Sanzo, and the blonde didn't protest when Goku rested his head against Sanzo's chest.
"How did you do that? I've been agonizing over this for weeks. Since it happened, actually. Then you show up, and in less than an hour, you make me feel better. It's still there, of course, but it doesn't hurt now. For the first time, I feel like I might actually be able to recover from this."
"That's what you do for someone you care about," Sanzo replied quietly, slipping his arm around Goku's shoulders. "Cold or kind, guarded or open, young or old, even human or demon. It doesn't matter who or what, being there for someone is what you do when you care about them."
Goku looked up at him with wide eyes, his teeth worrying his bottom lip. "Would it upset you if I told you that I think I've fallen in love with you?" he asked shyly.
Sanzo's heart thudded in his chest at the words, his breath catching a little. Deep inside, part of him had always known this, but it was still remarkable to hear the words come from Goku's lips.
"I don't mind at all," he replied softly, bringing his head down so he could press his lips against those of the other.
After all that had gone on, this relationship stuff had suddenly become a lot easier. Not any less important, though, or less enjoyable. His mind seemed to spin as the kiss grew longer, more insistent. He deepened it slowly, until their tongues caressed and his skin turned to fire. Chances were that neither of them were very skilled, but it felt like a utopia to him. Goku was warm, both soft and firm, and seemed to fit perfectly against him.
He was more than a little breathless when they finally pulled apart, his hands shaking slightly from the intensity of emotions and sensations that had assaulted him. He'd never thought that a kiss could be so good, or that he would hunger so strongly for more.
"Will you move in with me?"
Goku was just as shocked as he was when the words came out of his mouth. He'd toyed with the idea since first thinking of it, but hadn't thought he would have the gaul to broach the question so soon. Still, the thought of having to separate from the other, to have to head home and leave Goku here alone, while he sat equally alone in his own apartment, it seemed like torture. He wanted to be with Goku as much as possible, and couldn't bare the thought of having to worry about the youth getting hurt all over again.
Two weeks, his rational mind whispered. It had only been two weeks.
But his rational mind had lead him through a life without any excitement. He'd never done anything fun, never just enjoyed himself. He'd never done something at the spur of the moment. And if he'd listened to his rational mind, he wouldn't of gotten to know Goku at all, and that fact was unbearable.
And so Sanzo told his rational mind to take a long walk off a short pier, and kissed the youth again.