They met up with Gojyo and Hakkai again that upcoming weekend, arriving at their house just after lunch. Goku was nervous as he followed Hakkai into the back yard, unable to get rid of the feeling that he was going to fail. This was the most important things in his life, to be able to reign in that part of himself, and he feared that it would turn out that Hakkai wouldn't be able to do anything to help him after all.
He was glad that Sanzo stayed in the house with Gojyo. He didn't know what was going to happen. If it came down to it, he didn't want Sanzo to see that dark part of himself.
Hakkai knelt down on the grass, and motioned for Goku to sit across from him. The brunette did so, nervously picking at the grass below him.
"Back then, I went through a similar thing as you are now," the elder began, his voice quiet and slightly saddened. "I lived the life of an ordinary human being for the first twenty years of my life. But something terrible happened, and I fulfilled a curse which transformed me into a demon. I didn't know about the curse until after it happened to me. I'd always been good at keeping my emotions masked, and I was able to keep a human disguise rather easily. But I could feel it boiling just below the surface, waiting for any chance to burst out. When the change first came upon me, it was so difficult to keep that part of me dormant. But when it gets down to it, it mostly means just keeping your emotions in check."
Goku's brows lifted in disbelief. "Just keeping my emotions in check?" he echoed.
Hakkai nodded, a slight smile coming to his lips. "It's easy to say, isn't it? But it's hard to do. Especially for someone like yourself. In this life, just like your last, you wear your emotions on your sleeve. For someone that knows you, one can read your emotions as easily as a book when looking at your face. You feel things instantly and strongly, no matter what emotion it is. That's part of who you are."
"We don't want to change the person that you are, Goku. We just want to help you learn to deal with emotions like upset and anger before it ends up converting you to your demon self."
Goku groaned and slumped back against the ground. "Great, so basically I have to take anger management classes. This is going to be fun."
Hakkai actually laughed out loud at this. While he composed himself, Goku pushed himself back into a sitting position. "Unfortunately, that's pretty much the case," the elder man admitted. "It's different in the fact that you're basically a happy and easy going person. That's probably the reason that you've managed to get this far in your life without anyone actually finding out the truth. Your temper gets the best of you so rarely that there really is only minimal danger. Except that you don't have the help of the diadem to control that part of yourself, which in itself poses a problem."
"I wore a diadem?" Goku questioned, frowning as he recalled a golden circlet from his dream. He hadn't really paid attention to that fact.
"Yes, it was crafted for you and worn from the day you were born. It disguised you as a human, as well as keeping your true self dormant. I think... when we first met you, you didn't remember whenever you were a demon. It was something that your rational mind didn't want to accept, because of what had happened. Because of the lack of memory, you held no control over it if the diadem were removed or if your emotions just became too strong that they over powered it."
"There were times when even the power of the diadem was not enough. Times when people you cared about were hurt and your emotions overcame you. However, after you realized that this part of yourself existed, you swore that you would become strong enough to control it. I remember that day, and that fact that, not soon after, you really did become strong enough. All on your own, you matured your mind enough that your anger didn't get the better of you. At times when we thought you might change, you kept control. And I know that, if you did that then, you can do it now. Diadem or not!"
"In the end, though, it comes down to you, Goku. There really isn't anything I can do but offer guidance and support. You're the one that's going to have to do the work necessary to make yourself stronger. Mostly, we just wanted to make sure that you knew you didn't have to go through this alone. Gojyo and I will give you any answers we can. And you know that Sanzo loves you. The three of us will be here if you need a hand."
Goku blushed at Hakkai's words, but didn't let himself get distracted by thoughts of Sanzo. He'd been waiting somewhat anxiously for the blonde to return the words he'd spoken just a few days go, a little insecure that it hadn't been immediate despite the fact he knew that Sanzo obviously did care and that some people just took longer to express their emotions vocally.
However, there were more pressing issues right now and he needed to keep his mind focused. "I will get strong enough to control this," he swore, mostly because he needed the assurance himself. "But I honestly don't know where to start."
Hakkai nodded and got to his feet, moving more fluently than one would expect for a man over sixty as he made his way across the yard. He returned with a slender pole in his hand, about three feet long, and promptly hit Goku in the side of the head.
Goku swore at the pain that hummed through his head. It didn't hurt as badly as one would expect, but it still hurt! "What the hell?" he exclaimed, glaring up at the older man.
Hakkai smiled at him. "Did that tick you off?" he questioned.
Goku got to his feet, still glaring and rubbing his head. "So, what, you're going to beat me with a stick until I don't get mad anymore?" he demanded.
Hakkai shook his head, still smiling. "Not exactly. I'm going to use this as an example. You couldn't know it was coming, or it wouldn't work properly. I hurt you and you got angry. But you kept control of yourself. Why?"
Goku frowned at the question, shrugging his shoulders. "Because it didn't really hurt that badly?" he offered.
"Yes, that's part of the reason. I think, also, because I was the one that did it. We're friends, so it wasn't enough of a reason for you to actually get mad. So what does it mean?"
"It means that worrying about turning into a demon because someone accidentally steps on my foot or knocks me over isn't something I actually need to worry about."
"Exactly. You need to know your limit. Now, we're not going to experiment with different levels of upset and anger until you end up actually reverting and try to kill me. That would be stupid. But what I want you to do is think about it. Think about what you've been able to stand, and what you know you can stand. Find that level in yourself, then try to push it up even higher."
Goku took the words seriously, nodding as Hakkai spoke. He would do this, he swore to himself. He'd do everything single thing that he could to make sure he gained as much control of himself as he could. He'd become stronger, as strong as possible, to be able to live without fear of his own self. He would never hurt someone else again.
Hakkai threw the stick to the ground, and motioned for Goku to follow him. "What do you say we get back in there? I want a cup of coffee before those to finish it all. I made a cake yesterday. There should be enough that we can all have a piece, even with your appetite."
Goku grinned and eagerly followed the other. It was nice, he realized, to know someone who already knew him. He didn't have to try to make excuses for himself or try to pretend to be someone they might like. Sanzo too, he knew now, liked him for the person he was, despite his extreme fault. He had expected it to change his life, expected to have to live alone without contact from anyone.
And yet, here he was, living with Sanzo and chatting with two newly-gained old friends. People who didn't care about that darker part of himself, for they had carried the same in themselves as well. People who didn't judge him or expect more than he could give.
He was lucky, he realized, to know these people.