Chapter Five
"Success in today's global marketplace is often a struggle of great ideas against even greater regulation and red tape. But, there's no business…" Toby stopped pacing his office and looked at Sam to provide the end of the sentence.
"Like show business?" Sam offered.
"Sam!" Toby warned.
"Oh come on, Toby, everything about it is appealing."
"Sam!"
"And I'll tell you something else, there's no people like show people, they smile when they are-"
"Say one more word, just one…" Toby shot Sam a menacing glare but couldn't manage to put his all into it. Sam was happy and relaxed for the first time since he'd had the first attack. He'd fallen asleep at Toby's and although Toby had laid awake waiting for another attack, Sam had slept through the night.
Sam knew that the chances that the attacks were gone for good were slim but at least he had broken the pattern of having one every night. He lay back on the sofa and put his feet up on the table. "I'm a little peckish."
"You're a little something," Toby mumbled as he put down his pad and pen and led the way to the Mess.
Leo asked Sam to stay behind after the staff meeting. He asked Sam how he was feeling and told him that he wasn't to worry about work. If he needed time off he would sort it. Sam thanked him but said that it probably wouldn't be necessary. He let Leo tell him a long story about a fighter pilot friend of his who suffered from crippling migraines. Sam didn't mind if it gave him a reason to avoid seeing Josh. He had been aware of Josh's concerned glances all through the meeting and knew he'd have to talk to him at some point. He just didn't want it to be today.
Sam managed to go all day without bumping into Josh. It took some doing, and meant he had to wait an hour before he could go to the Mess for lunch but he managed it. He nearly managed to get out of the building as well but Josh had been waiting for him to leave.
"We need to talk," Josh said, appearing at the door as Sam was putting on his coat.
"We don't, not now anyway."
Josh walked into the room and shut the door. "Why won't you let me help you? I know I'm not good in medical situations that require calm but you're blocking me out. Why?"
Sam sighed and pulled his coat off. He sat down at his desk and wiped tiredly at his eyes. "Because suddenly you're all over me when for the past few months you've hardly had a word to say to me that wasn't to do with work. Because you're acting like I'm being unfair by not letting you help me and I really can't deal with your feelings on top of everything else. And, because, why now? Where were you after I gave the tape to Kevin Kahn? Where were you when we were struggling to deal with the MS? Where were you, Josh, because you weren't here, hanging round my doorframe and following me down the corridors."
"I was-" Josh slumped into the chair and took a deep breath. "This isn't about any of that."
"Oh, it isn't?"
"No." Josh walked over to Sam. He knelt down beside him and lowered his voice. "This is you being unable to forgive me. This is you saying 'fuck you'. I chose Bartlet over us and you've never forgiven me for that."
Sam opened his mouth to protest but Josh carried on. "It's okay, I've never forgiven myself for that. There's no ulterior motive here. I just want to help you. I know I've been a shit and I've handled things badly. I turned away when I shouldn't have but now I want to help you. I want you to-"
"Forgive you! That's what you want, you want me to say that it doesn't matter that you said no to us but promised me a friendship and then turned your back on that as well." Sam stood and pushed past Josh. "I can't do this now."
"Okay, I'm sorry, but tell me you want to be alone tonight and I'll go. Tell me I'm wrong, that you're not petrified of being on your own."
Josh was blocking the doorway and Sam pushed against him but he wouldn't budge. "It's not your problem…anymore. It's not your problem."
Josh stayed where he was. Sam's hand was on his chest, pushing against him. His other was grasping the edge of the door. "Let me help, Sam."
Sam didn't move. He stared at Josh and his hand closed around the material of Josh's shirt. Something passed between the two men, memories of shared intimacies that made them step apart simultaneously. Wordlessly, Josh moved aside as Sam walked past him and out of the room.
Two weeks passed and Sam didn't have another attack. He kept in touch with Doctor Hollis who told Sam that he was more or less certain that he was suffering from cluster headaches. Sam accepted the diagnosis but inwardly convinced himself that he would not be experiencing any more. He gave up researching the condition on the internet when he could find no examples of sufferers only experiencing one bout of attacks.
Toby had read enough internet sites and contacted enough help lines to be sure that Doctor Hollis' diagnosis was correct. He knew it was probably only a matter of time before the next cluster of attacks struck. He tried not to think about it too much though and when he did, he kept in mind the case studies he had read of sufferers who had years between attacks. He became almost as good as Sam at ignoring the inevitable. Three weeks to the day of Sam's last attack, the inevitable happened.
"Where's Sam?" Josh asked as he stuck his head around Toby's doorframe.
"Meeting Boarson and Grieves on the Hill." Toby stopped writing and looked up, "Why?"
"No reason. When's he due back?"
"It's Boarson and Grieves, he'll be lucky to get out of there before tomorrow."
"Okay, well, I'll-" Josh's cell phone started to vibrate and he pulled it from his pocket as Sam's name appeared on the screen. He walked out of Toby's office and answered. "Hey, what's up?" Silence greeted him from the other end. He repeated Sam's name and then hung up and dialled Sam's number but there was no answer.
"Are you sure he's still on the Hill?" he asked Toby who had entered the Bullpen and was talking to Ginger.
"Yeah, probably still in the meeting and losing the will to live right about now."
Josh knew something was wrong, he could feel it and where Sam was concerned his instincts were usually correct. This time Sam had come to him and he wasn't about to let Toby get involved. "I'm going to go meet him, see if he feels like some lunch," Josh said.
"Well make sure you let me know what you had because I'm really interested in your dining affairs."
Josh hurried out of the Bullpen and grabbed his coat and bag. Donna was at lunch so he left a message for her to cancel his two o'clock meeting with the interns and set off to find Sam.
He entered the Capital Building and stopped at reception to find out where Sam's meeting was. The knot that had been slowly tightening in his stomach coiled even more when he saw Boarson and Grieves coming out of the elevator alone.
"Well hello there, Mr Lyman. Quite a beating you took from Callaghan last week. You should have met with O'Brian like I suggested."
Josh ignored the jibe, focused only on Sam he walked quickly over to Ted Boarson, "Where's Sam?"
Ted frowned at his failure to get a rise from Josh but he could also sense Josh's agitation and realised it had nothing to do with himself or failed bills. "He was right behind us a while ago but didn't get in the elevator, said he'd take the stairs."
Josh nodded his thanks and grabbed the closing elevator door. Health-nut though he was, Sam seldom used the stairs if there was an elevator. Josh tried to reason that maybe Sam had just had enough of Boarson and Grieves but the tension in his stomach was overriding any reasoning he could manage. He entered the floor where Sam had left Ted and went to the room where the meeting had been held. It was empty and so Josh walked to the end of the corridor and started to check the other rooms. He opened the door of the third room and the sunlight reflecting from a white table made him squint. He closed the door quickly and turned back the way he had come. Sam would be in a dark room he realised, somewhere he couldn't be found or heard. He had cracked the door of the stationary cupboard open and dismissed the dark room but now he realised it was the perfect place.
He was not disappointed. After negotiating a pile of cartons of paper, Josh finally found Sam sitting huddled against the wall in the far corner. He could tell from Sam's position that he'd suffered another attack. He was kneeling with his head resting on the floor. His hands held his head but he was still and quiet and Josh knew the attack had passed. He tried to work out how long this one must have lasted and cursed himself for not asking Ted how long it had been since Sam had left them.
As he walked over to Sam and crouched down beside him he realised it was irrelevant. All that mattered was letting Sam know he was there and getting him back to the White House. He had been so preoccupied by his thoughts that he didn't stop to think that his appearance at Sam's side might startle the vulnerable man but Sam didn't even react to the sound of his name or the hand on his back. Josh lifted Sam's head with his other hand and wiped away the liquid streaming from his eye.
Sam squinted up at him and then let his head fall back to the floor. "It came back, Josh."
Josh hauled Sam up and helped him rest against the wall. "It's alright, just rest a minute then I'll get you back to the office, okay?"
Sam nodded, "Rest…a while…just a bit…" his speech was slurred and Josh pulled the slumping body towards him. Sam was asleep before his head finally came to rest on Josh's legs. Josh looked at his watch and decided he could spend thirty minutes here while Sam slept. He smiled at the thought; he could spend forever here, he thought to himself.
Josh spent an hour sitting against the wall, slowly brushing his hand over and over Sam's head. Four people came into the stockroom oblivious to the two men in the far corner. Josh watched as the first person stacked three boxes of paper and then tried in vain to lift them. He watched as a man carefully ticked items off a list as he selected objects from the shelves. He smiled and shook his head when two workers sneaked into the darkened store and pretended to be shocked while delighting in the latest office gossip.
By the time Sam started to stir, Josh's legs were dead and his hand was tingling from the constant stroking motion. He sat upright and let Sam get himself together and when it became clear that Sam had made it up from lying on Josh only to leaning just as heavily against the wall, Josh finally spoke. "We need to get going. I know you feel like shit but we need to get back to the office."
"You go. I'll fashion a bed from recycled paper and box tape."
Josh laughed, a gentle sound, and Sam felt his chest vibrate and realised he was leaning more on Josh than the wall. He started to haul himself up but couldn't get his legs to cooperate. Josh's smile disappeared and he gently helped Sam to his feet. He checked the coast was clear and then helped Sam out into the corridor and to the restroom.
"How did you find me?" Sam asked as he splashed cold water on his face.
"I just…I don't know, I just knew where you were."
Sam grabbed a towel from Josh and dabbed at his face and then the splashes of water on his shirtfront. "Toby's going to be pissed."
"Toby's always pissed but when he's finished being pissed he'll be concerned and ask if you want to stay at his place again?" Josh held the door open for Sam.
"And what will I say?"
"You'll say that you're grateful for the offer but the sexiest man in Washington has already offered."
"Oh, okay." The elevator doors opened and Josh stepped inside. Sam didn't move.
"What are you doing?"
Sam stared at the far end of the corridor. "I'm waiting to see the sexiest man in Washington who's offered me a place to stay." Josh grabbed Sam's arm and pulled him inside.
They returned to the White House to find Donna in a state, pacing the Bullpen having been trying to contact Josh continually for the past hour. "Where have you been?"
"Checking out the stationary supplies on the Hill and you'll be pleased to know they're well stocked." Josh steered Sam past his office and into his own.
"Josh! I've been trying to get hold of you and you've been counting paperclips! Anything could have happened!"
"Has anything happened?"
"No," she admitted reluctantly, "but that's not the point." For the first time since starting her tirade, Donna looked at Sam properly and immediately stopped talking. She watched as Josh helped him into a chair and then opened a bottle of water and handed it to him. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, Sam's got a migraine that's all."
Donna looked from Josh to Sam then back at Josh. "Aw that's so-"
"Donna, don't start awing." Josh pushed past her and walked towards the coffee machine.
"No, that's just…aw, Josh, you went to the Hill to rescue Sam from his migraine. That's so sweet."
Josh took a long sip of coffee and walked over to Donna's desk. "I didn't go to the Hill to rescue Sam. I went because I needed to see…someone…about…something."
Donna leaned over and kissed Josh. "I think that's the sweetest thing and I want you to know that if you hadn't just made yourself a coffee I'd have made one for you."
"You know, you really should be doing that sort of stuff already," Josh pointed out. "But I appreciate the gesture," he added as he perched on the edge of her desk.
Donna waited, she knew there was something wrong with Sam and it was more than a migraine. The assistants had been speculating that something was wrong since Sam and Toby had returned from their trip. And, despite Josh's bravado, whatever had happened today had upset him.
"I don't want any calls unless it's Leo, cancel my meeting with Harley. Give it thirty minutes and then phone Toby and tell him that Sam's in my office."
Donna nodded and went to sit at her chair placing her hand on Josh's arm as she passed.
Josh turned before entering his office. "It's times like this that I almost think I might make you a coffee." Donna smiled up at him. "It's passed now but the thought was there." Josh went back to his office closing the door behind him.
It was strange looking up at Toby and Josh from a horizontal position, Sam thought as he lay on Toby's sofa staring at the two men. He couldn't remember much about getting from Josh's office to Toby's but he had a vague recollection of Toby appearing and shouting and then silence and then Toby asking incredulously if Josh had 'shushed' him. He decided that he must have been asleep for some time as it was dark outside now. Toby was running a hand alternatively over his beard and forehead while Josh sat perched on the desk, arms folded and head down. Sam kept his eyes closed and tried to focus on what was being said. He listened for a while, to no avail, and fell asleep again.
The next time he woke the office was in darkness. A blanket had been thrown over him and he was confronted by the sight of Josh's shoeless feet resting on the table in front of him. One foot moved, scratched at the sole of the other and then dropped back to the table.
"Aromatherapy?" Sam questioned as he started to raise himself into a sitting position.
"Hey! My feet don't smell!" Josh replied. He raised his feet from the table and leaned forward to study Sam. "How are you feeling?"
"Good," Sam saw Josh's frown. "Better than I was?" he tried again.
Josh nodded. "Toby had to go. He's taking Andy to the Brad Consol Dinner."
Sam closed his eyes. "Yeah, he said something about that."
"Open your eyes." Josh waited until Sam complied and then moved to sit next to him. "You're coming home with me."
It wasn't said as an order just stated as a fact. Sam knew he didn't have the energy to even try to argue so he just nodded and let Josh pull him upwards.