Chapter Six
"What were you talking to Toby about earlier?" Sam asked Josh who was sitting on the bed beside him.
"I knew you were awake!" Josh accused.
Sam smiled and shuffled further down the bed pulling at the comforter that Josh was sitting on. "I wasn't awake the whole time. I was awake for a little while."
"Ah!" As Sam moved down the bed, Josh sat further up it. "I should let you rest." He started to climb off.
"Does Toby think I should take some time off?"
Josh had reached the side of the bed. He didn't turn around. "No." He heard Sam sigh and turned. "No," he repeated.
"Because I was thinking maybe I should…just until I get these headaches sorted, maybe I should take some time off."
"And leave me to deal with an overworked, stressed out, Toby! Yeah, that's gonna happen! Get some sleep." Josh walked out of the room pulling the door to behind him.
The morning brought a dazzling sunrise that bathed Josh's living room in a golden glow. He tiptoed around the kitchen, making coffee and throwing away out of date food until he found something for breakfast. He called Sam's name but there was no reply. Looking at the clock he knew that they would have to get a move on if they were going to get to work on time. He poured two glasses of orange and two cups of coffee and placed them on a tray.
The door to the spare room was ajar and he peeked inside before entering. Sam was lying on his back, his arms folded tightly across his chest and his gaze on the ceiling. Josh watched as he closed his eyes, turned on his side and curled into a ball. Josh was pleased to see he didn't look tired anymore. The sound of the door opening made Sam unfurl and sit up in the bed. Wordlessly, Josh placed the tray on the bed and opened the curtains. The same golden rays that lit the living room spread into the bedroom. Sam was oblivious to them.
"Real orange juice," Josh said by way of a morning greeting.
"Real- you just squeezed them or real- it says so on the box?"
"The second one," Josh answered and sat down on the bed.
They drank the juice in silence. Both men thinking about the day ahead and what it might bring. If the last series of headaches was anything to go by, the chances were high that Sam would have another one today and at roughly the same time as yesterday.
"I'm meant to be in the Oval this afternoon," Sam said, voicing both men's concerns.
"Stay home then," Josh said.
"I can't stay home because I might have a headache!"
"Exactly!" Josh swigged down the rest of his orange and placed his glass on the cabinet. "Although, you know, you can, if that's what you want to do but then do you not go in the next day and the day after that?"
"Yeah, I know."
"We could have a code word or something. Then, if a headache's starting I could come get you and take you to the stationary cupboard."
Sam finished his drink and reached over Josh to place his glass next to his. "Good idea. How about this for a codeword, I'll start moaning and swearing and bashing my head against the President's desk."
Josh stretched and held onto the top of the headboard. "You're going to deny me my codeword."
"I am," Sam sat up and yawned. "I need to have a shower. Have you got a shirt for me?"
Josh nodded and watched Sam picking up his clothing that he had discarded last night. "You need to phone that doctor today."
"Jesus! Alright, Josh! Will you just let me shower and get to work!" Sam threw his collected clothing back onto the floor.
Josh stared at him, taken aback by the sudden outburst. He slowly rose from the bed and walked over to Sam, picked up the clothes and handed them to him. Their hands brushed briefly as Sam mumbled an apology. "It's okay," Josh replied. He looked down at their hands and Sam moved away quickly and went into the bathroom.
In the end, there hadn't been time for a codeword. Sam's headache had struck just as he was due to go to the Oval Office. He had taken himself down to Ainsley's old office and remained there until he could summon the energy to return upstairs.
Toby took one look at him and made him sit on the sofa. He disappeared for a while and then returned with Sam's coat and told him a car was waiting to take him to the hospital. "I'll finish up and meet you there."
Sam nodded and Toby had to guide him towards the door to make him move. "I'll walk down with you."
Doctor Hollis chastised himself for feeling pleased to see Sam. The carer in him knew that Sam's return meant the headaches had returned but the professional in him was excited by the prospect of having a sufferer of cluster attacks to try out the oxygen treatment on.
"Okay, Sam, I think we can say that what you're experiencing are definitely cluster headaches." Doctor Hollis removed the blood pressure cuff from Sam's arm and returned to his seat. "As I've told you, there are few physical presentations that aid diagnosis but I have found the carotid artery in your neck is tender at several points and that's something that can be found in the majority of sufferers." He picked up a pencil and started to jot a few notes. "I want to give you a prescription to use pure oxygen at home and work. I can tell you how to use it here and then we can see how you get on with it."
Sam tried to focus on Doctor Hollis' words. He wished that he had brought someone with him as all he could seem to remember from what had just been said was the word 'sufferer' which now repeated in his head.
"So what do you think, Sam?" He reached for his prescription pad and started to write. "We'll give the oxygen a go and take it from there?"
"Oxygen? I thought…I'm sorry, I thought you would give me some drugs? I've been prescribed two lots that didn't work but I thought that you might have something else I could try."
Hollis pushed the pad away. "Oxygen therapy has been a very successful form of treatment for many sufferers and I think that if it works for you it would be better to try that than prescription drugs that may have side effects. CH is a serious condition. It's not just a case of popping a few pain killers." As soon as he had said the words, he regretted them. He could see Sam's whole demeanour change as he sat up straighter in his chair and leaned towards the desk.
"No, but it may well be a case of popping some dihydroergotamine, prednisone, ergotamine, methoxyflurane or lidocaine and if it's all the same to you I think I'd like to try those before I have to resort to carrying an oxygen tank around the White House with me."
Hollis couldn't help but smile. "I've told you about the research I'm doing and I won't lie to you, I'd love the chance to include you in it but I can see you've done some research yourself. Medical internet sites can be a wonderful resource and I can see you've used them to supplement what you've been told by me and others. If only everyone could use them like that." He reached for the pad again and started to write. "You know what's worse that a hypochondriac?"
Sam sat back and shook his head.
"A hypochondriac with internet access."
Sam smiled and took the prescription from Hollis. He listened to a list of instructions and nodded politely when the Doctor told him about the various help-groups available. He made an appointment for the following week and left the office. He went back to work and stayed late to make up for the time out. By the time he arrived home it was night-time but he wasn't surprised to find Josh sitting outside waiting for him.
"Hey, what's up?" Sam walked up the steps and sat down beside him.
"Your neighbour, Mr Dillin, thinks I should trade in my car and get a Cadillac XLR."
Sam cocked his head, digested the information and nodded. "At $76 000 some people might consider it a snip."
Josh smiled and wondered how Sam managed to make a word like 'snip' sound remarkable.
The two men sat on the steps and watched people passing by. Josh leant back and rested his elbows on the step behind. Sam was leaning forward resting his hands on his knees. "You can't stay with me every night. If I've got this cluster thing then I need to start dealing with it on my own."
"You don't." Josh turned and waited until Sam was looking at him. "You don't. I can be here with you. I can help. At least until they've actually found a drug that works for you. I can help you deal with it."
Sam took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. "We've talked about this. I don't need you here just because you feel sorry for me or you think you can make up for…"
"Say it."
"Make up for not being there before." Sam looked away and Josh noticed his hands that had hung loosely between his knees were now clenched.
"When we were talking the other day in your office you walked out on me. I wanted to tell you then…I wanted to ask you…I want you to let me help you, Sam. I want to be here for you, not to make up for anything but just because I want to. I don't expect anything. I'm not trying to rekindle anything here. I just want to help my friend."
Sam's hands relaxed and he hung his head. Josh stared at the passing cars and waited and let his mind drift back in time.
Over three years had passed since he and Sam had broken up. They had been together before Sam had moved to New York but the timing had been off and both men had their careers to think about and neither were sure that they were what the other wanted. A year apart had confirmed to them that they had made a mistake but by then it was too late; Sam was involved with Lisa and Josh was engrossed in his role of Congressman Brennan's Chief of Staff. By the time a soaking wet Josh had turned up at Gage Whitney, Sam and he both knew exactly what they wanted.
"Okay, if you think you can help, which I seriously doubt but, yeah, okay."
Josh smiled with relief. "Okay."
Sam had a meal in the freezer left over from his mother's last visit. It had been a while since either of them had tasted home cooked food and they both relished it. After they had eaten Sam told Josh what the doctor has said. He showed him the ergotamine aerosol and told him how Doctor Hollis had been so disappointed when Sam had refused to take part in the oxygen research. Josh grabbed the care instructions for the drug as Sam told him about the KIP scale of pain.
"KIP?" Josh repeated.
"Yeah, it's a scale from nought to ten and you're meant to-"
"KIP? What does that stand for? KIP?"
"Josh, we're not going to get very far if you blurt out KIP every five seconds."
"Sorry, go on."
"Bob Kipple came up with the-" Sam looked at Josh's raised eyebrows at the name of the Kip Scale's author and bashed him with a cushion. As Sam continued though Josh's smile faded. "He created this scaling of pain which has become an accepted definition of how cluster headaches progress. Doctor Hollis says I've only reached point eight on the scale which is 'head banging and screaming'."
"Jesus, if that's point eight then what's ten!"
Sam took the care instructions from Josh and read from Doctor Hollis' notes on the back. "Major pain, screaming, head banging, ER trip. Depressed. Suicidal."
Josh looked at Sam and shook his head. "It's just a theory, someone else's interpretation of a condition that, from what I've read, can be different for each sufferer." Sam didn't look convinced. "And anyway, you might not even get a scale ten."
Sam smiled. "You make it sound like a freak weather condition." Josh didn't return the smile and Sam watched as he stood up abruptly and started to pace.
"And I'll tell you something else; we're going to beat this. We're going to find the drugs that work and it's going to be over."
"Well we better find them soon because I don't think I can take much more of it."
Josh spun round. "Yes you can. You'll be amazed at what you can endure. There were times after I was… There were times I didn't think I could keep going but you do. You don't have a choice."
This was the side of Josh that Sam had never stopped loving and it was a side that he had seldom seen in recent months. But Josh was showing it now and Sam was grateful. He reached out and grasped Josh's hand, closing his eyes as he felt his hand held tightly in return.
The week passed and on Thursday Sam went into work only to be told by Toby to go back home.
"You've had an attack every day this week. You look like shit and you're writing it."
"I'd like to thank you for that amazing show of support in my time of-"
"I don't care about your writing, Sam, I care about -"
A slow smile spread across Sam's face. "You care about me!"
Toby picked up Sam's coat that he had just removed and handed it to him. "I care about not having a Deputy next week when I have to face Hindman and Stoughton again, that's what I was going to say."
"I'm getting a warm feeling right about here," Sam said, laying his hand on his heart.
Toby walked out of Sam's office and into his own. "You're still here!" he shouted without looking up. A few moments later he looked up and smiled when he realised that Sam, without any resistance, had gone home.
The ergotamine was working in as much as the attacks that Sam had suffered hadn't been as bad as previous ones but they were still bad enough to exhaust Sam and make him next to useless for the rest of the day. Secretly, Sam feared that it was just a coincidence. He had started to look for internet sites about clusters again and had discovered that during a cluster most attacks get progressively worse until the cluster was over. Sam had had four attacks so far and each one had seemed worse than the one before.
He had been relieved when Toby had ordered him home. He felt shattered and the knowledge that at some point in the afternoon he would probably experience another attack only served to add a feeling of fear and dread to the exhaustion. He lay down on his bed and went straight to sleep. He woke later that evening greatly surprised to find that it was the door buzzer and not another attack waking him.
"They were fresh when I bought them," Josh explained of the croissants he held up as he walked past Sam and into the apartment.
"I was asleep, I was sleeping. What makes you think I wanted to be woken for Josh and croissants?"
"I could warm them up," Josh offered holding up the bag.
"I want the croissants, it's you that-"
"Don't bite the hand that brings croissants."
Sam smiled and moved away from the kitchen doorway. "Warm them up and make me a coffee. I'll be in the other room pretending you're not here."
"Okay," Josh replied getting to work on his task. A few moments later they were sitting on the sofa. Sam had been starving and tried not to show Josh just how much he was enjoying the impromptu snack. Josh filled him in on what he had missed at work and he shared Sam's relief when he told him that he hadn't had another attack.
Josh listened to Sam's gentle laughter as he watched the Danny Kaye movie. He picked at the crumbs left on his plate and thought of the many hours he and Sam had spent slumped on a sofa fighting over what to watch. He had always lost and ended up watching The Court Jester more times than he cared to admit.
"What's this one?" Josh asked as he slumped down even further against the soft cushions.
"The Inspector General," Sam answered distractedly.
Josh nodded and turned his head so he could watch Sam. He loved watching Sam's face as he laughed or nodded and smiled at scenes that he had watched dozens of times before. He had seen so much pain on Sam's face recently that is was good to just sit and watch him smile.
Josh had it all worked out. He was going to prove to Sam that he could be here for him. He was going to prove that he could stay. Eventually Sam would find the drug that worked and then things would return to normal and he would be there for all of it no matter how hard it got. What Josh didn't realise was that as hard as it had been, there was worse in store.