Chapter Seven

"If you casually cover up your mouth with your hand, you will never put your foot in it," Sam sang along to the film. He turned to Josh and shrugged. "True," he said.

Josh smiled and turned back to the TV. By the time the film ended he was asleep. He awoke to find himself being shaken by Sam and followed him bleary-eyed to the spare room. Once in bed he found that he was no longer sleepy. He put his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling. He could hear Sam in his room next door and wondered what he was doing. The cars passed, their headlights briefly splashing the room with light. A breeze caught the curtain and Josh glimpsed the DC skyline before the curtain fell back. Sam was still moving about and Josh decided to wait until the noise stopped and then sneak back into the living room.

The noise didn't stop. Josh waited a while longer and then got out of bed and walked quietly to Sam's room. He pushed the door open and watched as Sam paced slowly beside the bed.

"Sam?" Josh opened the door wide and walked into the room.

"It's okay, it's not too bad. I think it'll be okay. Go back to bed." Sam was pacing but not as frantically as Josh had seen him do before.

Josh walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. "Can I get you anything? Did you take the stuff?" As Josh asked the question he saw the ergotamine canister on the bed and realised that Sam had already taken it.

"It's not too bad," Sam repeated as he continued to walk back and forth. His hands were on his hips but occasionally he reached up and rubbed at his eye.

"Well, I'll just sit here and watch you parading up and down in your boxers and T-shirt then. It'll be like old times."

Sam smiled but still he paced. A few moments later Josh stood up as Sam cursed under his breath and rubbed furiously at his head.

"Getting worse?"

"Yeah," Sam's voice was croaky, "But it's-"

"Not too bad, yeah, I know." He picked up the canister and read the dosage instructions. "I think you can have some more of this in a while."

"It's okay, it's going I think." Sam stopped moving and took a few deep breaths then turned to Josh. "It's finished."

"Just like that?" Josh asked incredulously.

Sam nodded and walked back to the bed. He sat on the edge and Josh joined him. "Maybe the ergotamine works! That's great if this what they're gonna be like. You can handle that, right?"

"Yeah." Sam got back into bed. "Thanks, sorry to get you up." He pulled the comforter over himself and said goodnight to Josh. He didn't share Josh's confidence that the drugs were working. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about Doctor Hollis' warnings that the pattern of attacks could differ and sometimes attacks could come in quick succession, each one more severe than the previous.

After leaving Sam's room, Josh returned to his own. He still didn't feel like going to bed so he chose one of Sam's books to take with him.

At first Josh thought it was the sound of the book slipping from his lap and landing on the floor that had woken him and he reached down and straightened the rumpled pages and then switched off the light. He was drifting off to sleep again when another sound made him open his eyes and sit up. It only took a few moments for him to realise that the sound that had woken him had come from Sam's room.

Sam was moving around his bedroom, frantic, directionless strides that made Josh dizzy to watch.

"Did you take this?" Josh asked walking straight into the room and picking up the canister from the floor.

Sam stopped moving and sat on the floor. "Worse."

"Okay, don't worry. It's okay." Josh came and sat down next to Sam and tried to show in his actions the confidence he didn't feel in his words. He reached out and placed his hands on Sam's shoulders. "Did you take the ergotamine?"

Sam nodded and leant against Josh. "Sorry."

"Shut up."

"Okay."

Sam started to rub at his head but Josh gently removed his hand and replaced it with his own. Slowly, Sam slipped further forward until he was leaning against Josh's chest, gripping Josh's T-shirt in his hands. Eventually his breathing slowed and Josh shuffled backwards towards the edge of the bed. Sam showed no inclination to get back into bed and so Josh reached behind him awkwardly and pulled down the pillows and the comforter and made a makeshift bed on the floor. He forced himself to ignore his body's reaction to Sam and thought about his agenda for tomorrow instead.

An hour later, Sam woke. He opened his eyes to the sight of the side of his bed. Beneath his head he could feel a pillow and the warmth he felt was supplied by the comforter that had been draped over him. He tried to work out the strange angle he was lying at and then realised the warmth beneath him was Josh's thighs. Sam closed his eyes and smiled. After a few more moments he became aware of a gentle movement and could hear the faint scribbling of a pen.

"What are you doing?" he asked lifting his head slowly from the pillow.

"I'm keeping a record of your attacks, when they happen, how long they last, that sort of thing."

Sam reached up and turned the book towards him. He was amazed at the neat and exact recordings of his journeys to hell. He looked up at Josh who was looking slightly embarrassed.

"You do this after every attack?"

"Well, I'm a scientist, Sam. We have to be meticulous."

"You're so not a scientist," Sam said but his smile was one of appreciation.

When Josh had finished the entry he looked back at the others. He had recorded the night's attack under a new heading of Multiple Attacks.

"You're making up categories as well," Sam mumbled, and rested his head back on the pillow.

"Go back to sleep," Josh said as he tried to make sense of how Sam's latest attacks fitted the pattern of the others. After a while he gave up and concluded that there was no pattern. There was no pattern to any of it, but lying there, with Sam on his lap, gently stroking his hair as he slept, that was a pattern that he had destroyed and was determined to restore.

Josh woke an hour later, his neck already aching from the awkward position he had fallen asleep in. It wasn't the ache that had woken him though but the sound of Sam pacing again. Josh cursed and tried to sit up, shaking his legs in an effort to return the feeling to them. He realised that as well as pacing, Sam was looking for something. "What do you need?"

"Drugs…canister…kicked it…rolled…can't find it," he continued to search frantically but he was in too much of a state to focus on anything. Josh found it immediately lying under the bedside table.

"Here," he handed it to Sam who lifted it straight to his mouth. "No, you have to shake it." He tried to take it from Sam but he wouldn't let go. "Shake it or it won't work!" Sam responded to Josh's raised voice and again lifted the canister up. "No, Sam, Jesus, you have to take a deep breath out and then do it."

"Fuck off, Lyman!" Sam shouted but Josh held onto the canister easily overpowering Sam's shaky hold on it. His stomach turned at the sight of Sam desperately trying to take a deep breath but unable to calm himself enough to do so. Josh grabbed Sam's face and forced him to look at him. Breaking through Sam's panic, he guided his breathing. "There, that's it. Now one more…good…here." He held the canister up to Sam's mouth. "Hold the breath, remember to hold it." Sam nodded and held on before breathing out as slowly as he could. Sam turned away from him and walked out of the room. Josh could do nothing but watch helplessly as Sam marched around the living room before collapsing onto the floor and started to rock, the sound of his head hitting the floor making Josh's stomach turn as he spun round and walked out of the room.

He couldn't do it; he couldn't watch Sam go through this again. He felt a sudden wave of nausea and made it to the basin just in time. He splashed cold water on his face and cursed himself for leaving Sam, for not coping. He took a couple of deep breaths and returned to the living room and walked quickly over to Sam and grabbed him. He pulled him away from the floor, ignoring his protests. He was used to the cursing by now and ignored the verbal abuse that Sam was throwing at him. Finally, Josh's anger at the situation lessened and he realised that he wasn't helping. He let go of Sam and watched him crawl away from him.

He knew the pattern of the attacks so well by now that he knew that the pain was about to reach its worst point. Sam always crawled away from him when the pain increased. He couldn't bear to have anyone near him and so Josh stayed where he was. He brought his knees up to his chest and watched helplessly as Sam rocked up and down.

Sam's behaviour during the previous attacks had followed such a similar pattern that Josh was surprised when he suddenly jumped to his feet and rushed past him. Josh assumed that he wanted to be on his own so he stayed in the living room. The sound of banging from the kitchen made him jump up.

Sam was opening and shutting cupboard doors frantically. He was muttering something repeatedly and Josh watched as he searched through the contents of each cupboard with one hand; his other clamped to his head. Sam hadn't found what he was after in the cupboards so he turned his attention to the drawers instead.

"What do you need? What are you looking for?"

He ignored Josh and spun towards the cupboards on the other side until he saw, on the kitchen table, exactly what he was looking for. He grabbed a glass, filled it water and picked up the pills.

"No, Sam, you've had the ergotamine you can't have any pills." Josh was surprised at the strength with which Sam pushed him away.

Sam grabbed for the packet and ripped four pills from the strip. "Not enough…not working."

Josh tried again, "No! Give them to me!"

This time Sam pushed him away more forcefully. He stumbled back, his head narrowly missing one of the open cupboard doors. Sam finished prising the last pill from the strip and was about to place all four in his mouth when Josh's hand swiped in front of him knocking the pills out of his cupped hand, scattering them across the table. Sam grabbed one before it rolled out of his reach but Josh yanked his hand away from his mouth and prised the pill out of his hand. Sam shouted and swore at Josh and seemed determined to carry on his struggle for the medication until the pain suddenly worsened. It took Sam by surprise and to his knees. He clung onto the edge of the table as his breathing became even harsher.

Josh walked behind him planning to take advantage of Sam's immobility and pushed the rest of the pills out of reach. Bending down to collect two from the floor, he rose in time to see Sam get hold of the glass from the table. It toppled and the water gushed across the table washing the remaining pills down onto the floor. Sam's hand was shaking but he managed to get a good hold on the glass. He raised it above his head and then brought it crashing down against his forehead. The glass splintered in his hand but Sam seemed oblivious to it as he cradled his forehead in his hand, blood seeping through his fingers and down his face.

"Jesus!" Josh crawled over to Sam and tried to prise his hand away but Sam wouldn't loosen his grip and Josh realised that he wasn't going to get anywhere until the attack had passed. Instead, he pulled Sam towards him and moved with him as Sam started to rock. Josh placed his hand over Sam's and tried to stop the blood from pouring into his eye. He was shaking from the act he had witnessed and the accounts of sufferers committing suicide during an attack suddenly became chillingly plausible to him.

Timing had become an important part of how Josh helped Sam through each attack but this one was already longer than any others he had suffered and Josh didn't even know if it had reached its peak yet. He realised it had when Sam's rocking started to slow. Josh craned his neck to look at the clock and wasn't surprised to see that this attack was already twenty minutes longer than any of the others.

Sam's movements gradually slowed until he sat still against Josh. He was breathing heavily and Josh waited a few moments before gently prising Sam's hand away from his head. The blood that had been cupped within it flowed freely and Josh reached for a towel and placed it over the cut before helping Sam into a chair. Both men were shocked by the severity of the attack and neither spoke until Josh had cleaned and dressed the cuts on Sam's head and hand.

"Stitches?" Sam asked as Josh came and sat down opposite him.

"I don't think so." Josh reached across the table and covered Sam's hands with his. Sam glanced up at the action but didn't pull away. He knew this must be as frightening for Josh as it was for him.

"Do you want to go lie down?" Josh asked.

Sam shook his head.

Josh stood up and got a brush from under the sink and started to clear up the glass. He carefully wrapped it in paper and threw it in the bin. Sam watched him work, too exhausted to move. When he had taken care of that, Josh poured two glasses of water and placed them on the table.

"Do you want to lie down?" Josh asked again. "Sorry…repeating myself. Not that most of what I say isn't worth repeating." He glanced at Sam and was pleased to see a small smile cross his face. Josh placed his hands back over Sam's. They were still shaking. "You should go lie down."

Sam rolled his eyes but stood slowly and started towards the door. He stopped and turned back to Josh. "Will you…" Sam took a deep breath and started again. "Will you come with me?"

Josh was up and leading the way to the bedroom before Sam had time to even begin to regret his words. Josh picked up the bedding and replaced it on the bed telling him to climb in before getting on top of the covers. Sam sighed as his head hit the soft pillow. Beside him he felt the dip as Josh lay down too.

Josh folded his hands on his stomach and closed his eyes. He assumed Sam would fall asleep soon and then he would return to the spare room. He felt Sam's hand rise from beneath the comforter and then grope at the space between them. Josh stilled it with his and smiled into the darkness when he felt Sam's grasp.

"Leo was once telling me about a plot to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge," Sam said into the stillness of the night. "I told him my nightmare was bridges and tunnels. I remember I asked him what his was and he said something like, 'Well, now it's bridges and tunnels." Josh laughed quietly at Sam's perfect imitation of Leo. "Not anymore though, that's not my nightmare anymore." Sam rolled onto his side and faced Josh. "It's like some creature has sunk its claws into my head. When it's over I can't believe there isn't a hole there. I'm frightened, Josh. I'm frightened that this isn't as bad as it gets and I won't be able to take it if it gets any worse."

Josh rolled over and brought their hands up between them covering them with his other hand. "I don't know if it'll get any worse but I know you'll get through it and I know I'll be here for as long as you need me." Sam nodded and his hand squeezed Josh's tightly as he fought to retain control of his emotions.

"I won't cope if it gets worse," Sam whispered.

Josh flinched at Sam's words and tightened his hold on Sam's hand. "Tomorrow I'm gonna go see that Doctor Hollis and I'm gonna…he better be ready, cos I'm gonna…" he hadn't meant to make Sam smile but he was glad to see it anyway.

"You go get him, Josh." Sam's words were slurred and Josh hoped, as he watched Sam's eyes close, that they wouldn't open again until morning and that the morning wouldn't bring another day like this.