Kill Illpalatzo: Vol 1
Chapter 2: The lactose intolerant bride
Authors notes: For those unfamiliar with minor characters the detective Pudding chan, the girl haunted by the ghost of her detective dad from the detective episode is the one who arrives on the crime scene in the flashback. Also Alien # 1 and K-kun are from the puni puni poemi excel saga spin off. Alien # 1 only speaks in gibberish.
A short while after the massacre of Excels wedding.
A girl in a detective suit and hat drove up to the church that the massacre took place in. "Hmmmm.. This could be it.. For the last forty years I've been trailing that bank robber, now I'll be able to put him away for good."
As she walked inside she took a look around. The place was a bloodstained mess, it was as if the god of war and Ronald McDonald had a snowball fight in LA using raw hamburger! Bodies lay dead on the floor, puddles of blood everywhere, bits of brain on the wallpaper, and on the piano too, gumming up the keys like the arteries of so many overweight Americans!
She walked over to one man who had clearly been beheaded by a katana. "Hmmmm"
"Detective! What do you make of this?" asked the sheriff
"It's not him! It's not the guy I've been after for forty long years!" Pudding chan began to cry.
"I'm not sure I follow this."
"Clearly this isn't an act of homicide, all these people were just clumsy and had accidents! This man who was beheaded, notice that he's next to a table, some of his blood is on the table. Clearly he tripped over his own foot and his neck hit the blunt edge of the table instantly decapitating him!"
"Wow! You detectives sure are smart! I never would have thought of that!"
"And this fellow over here, it's obvious that he slipped in that pool of blood and landed on these bullets."
"But if all these are accidents, how come they happened in the same place?"
"Accidents are contagious, just like yawns."
"Wow I didn't know that, I'd better be more careful around people who have accidents."
"Hey sheriff, I forgot to go to the bathroom before we left and I think I had an accident!"
"Stay away from me!" the sheriff backed away from his deputy in fear.
"Hmmmm interesting, it looks like there's one more accident victim over here." She was looking down the open trap door in the floor.
"What is it detective?"
She dove down the open trap door, landing with a splash.
"Milk..ugghh. and it smells bad!" it was as if a thousand angry monkeys were throwing a tantrum in her nose.
Pudding chan pulled Excel out of at tub of expired milk "Clearly this woman was lactose intolerant and died from drinking expired milk.. Looks like she also fell on a bullet." Excel coughed up some chunks of curdled milk on her trench coat.
The sheriff looked down the trap door "That tall drink of milk is alive!"
"Oh shut up and get us out of here!"
Later after Excel gets taken to a hospital
Excel lay in a coma on the hospital bed, which almost seemed unnatural for someone as hyperactive as she once was.
Outside as the rain poured down in buckets an Alfa Romeo model car drove into the hospital parking lot. As it pulled into the stall the door opened and out stepped a brown haired woman who bore a vague resemblance to Excel. This was Kobayashi Excel, code named Kobayashi Excel.
"Hmmm. so she's in room 666. I'd better make myself inconspicuous." She put on an artsy looking trench coat. Her coat was designed to look like it had a belt and buttons but those were actually painted on. Next she took out an eye patch and stuck it on her face. Written on the eye patch were the words "I'm not a suspicious person"
"Good, now that I look like a villain form a spy movie, no one will ever suspect a thing. Just in case I'd better act non chalant and whistle." Kobayshi took her umbrella, which had matching colors to those of her trench coat and began walking down the corridor while whistling a highly suspicious yet catchy tune.
As melody drifted through the hallways reaching excels room, the suspicious yet catchy whistling tune almost seemed like the bell of death tolling for some unfortunate person. Kobayashi found the changing room the nurses used, still whistling she walked inside and began changing. After a few more minutes of changing the door opened. This time the words "I'm just a naughty nurse" were written on her eye patch. Because it would have been awfully suspicious if she had worn the same eye patch she walked in with. In one hand she had a platter with a bottle of some unidentifiable substance.
After arriving at Excels room Kobayashi stood over her bed. "I may never have liked you. In fact I hated you for taking the lead role, which should have been mine. All I ever got to do was sing the intro song with Hyatt Mikako. But that shouldn't suggest that I don't respect you. Which is why I won't use this little bottle of some poison on you, I doubt it would have killed you anyway, but I have something much bigger!" Kobayashi pulled out a pokeball "All right Koffing, lets do this!" when her cell phone rang to the same tune as the Excel Saga theme song.
She put down the pokeballand pulled out her cell phone. "What is it?"
"Where are you right now?"
"I'm standing over Excel withmy Koffing pokeball, he's going to gas that show stealer to death!"
"I want to call off the hit." Illpalatzo moved the phone away from his ear so that Kobayashis loud protests would be less audible. In his other hand he held something that looked like a fish, polished as shiny as if it were a katana wielded by a mighty samurai warrior.
"Like hell you are! Do you know how much trouble I went through to get this pokeball, I had to kill all of team rocket! Besides I just know she's going to wake up and take all my parts again if I don't chop her head off right now!"
"Kobayashi , we did a lot of things to that girl, and if she wakes up we'll do a whole lot more. I put a bullet in her brain and dropped her into a tub of spoiled milk something any normal human would never survive, but her heart never stopped beating. One thing we won't do Kobayashi is sneak in her room and gas her to death with something from an anime as awful as pokemon. Do you know why we won't do that thing? We won't do that thing because that thing would lower us to the level of the ignorant masses across seeks to control.."
"I guess your right." Kobayashi stuck the pokeball back in her bag.
"Do you really have to guess?"
"I guess not."
"That's my decisive girl, now why don't you come on home."
Kobayashi turned to Excel before going "You must think that was pretty funny huh?" and took out a permanent marker. Then she drew a mustache and glasses as well as other graffiti all over Excels face. "Well now I'm the one laughing!" she pointed at Excels face and laughed. "And if you ever wake up you'll get a lot more from where that came from!" Kobayashi walked out of the room.
"Hey I don't remember a nurse with an eye patch working here." said a doctor that happened to walk past her.
"Oops, wrong patch!" She took out her "I'm not a suspicious person" patch and put it on. "There is that better!"
"Oh, well I still don't remember seeing you here before but since your not a suspicious person I guess its ok." Kobayashi and the doctor continued walking in opposite directions.
Five years later
Myoga the old flea demon from Inuyasha hopped up on excels bedside. "Mmm.. Boy am I hungry." He stuck his sucker into her arm sucking her blood. As if on reflex Excels hand slapped him.
"Why does this always happen to me?" A very flat Myoga said as he fell to the floor.
Excel sat up with a start looking around wildly. Illpalatzo and the others who did this to her were gone, she was in a hospital. How long had she been out? Then she felt her stomach, her baby was gone! Excel rarely ever felt sad or regretful about anything but it hit her like a wave. They had killed her baby! She began to cry, then her stomach growled, Excel deflated like a flat tire her hunger ruining a dramatic moment yet again, then suddenly she heard some footsteps. Excel quickly lay down and pretended to still be asleep.
The door opened and in walked two very strange people. One was wearing a blue operator shirt like a doctor would wear. On his nametag was the name "Alien # 1". He also had purple skin and a purple hat. The feature that stood out the most though was a weird thing sort of like a tail hanging off his crotch, a strange meatball like object on the end of it. The person accompanying Alien # 1 looked like some kid whose body had been replaced by really goofy looking tentacles.
"Oh wow! Finally after all these years I'll be able to fulfill my tentacle fantasies!" K-Kun was practically crying with joy. All the other tentacle monsters would make fun of his goofy looking tentacles and the fact that he was still a virgin. But now he'd be the one laughing... well as much as one could laugh when doing a comatose girl, but to K-kun this was a victory worthy of being praised by the gods themselves.
Alien # 1 decided it was time to lay down the ground rules, he couldn't have K-kun blowing his little secret. He walked over to Excel and pointed at her face saying "Gar-goyubap po nubble wap bugle!"
"What did you say?"
"Gar-goyubap po nubble wap bugle!"
"Hmmm.. Oh I get it you want me to punch her and give her a black eye, oh I like your style!"
Alien # 1 frantically waved his hands shouting "Gar-goyubap po nubble wap bugle!" "You want me to give her a hickey?"
This was no good, the communication gap was too large Alien # 1 picked up a piece of paper and wrote "Don't do anything that leaves physical marks! No hickeys, no shiners and no decapitations!"
"Oh I get it!"
Alien # 1 was about to walk out of the room when he said "Weh! Dabugarb go foobiolo!" and tossed K-kun a can car engine lubricant.
After Alien # 1 walked out of the room K-kuns goofy looking tentacles began to wrap around Excels body. "Finally! I'm going to be able to make it with a woman!"
Excel opened her eyes, in her hunger K-kun looked like one of those barbequed squid you might buy in Japan. As K-kun was leaning down to her face Excel latched her jaws onto him like a rabid dog, devouring his tentacles.
"No! I don't want to die a virgin!" Excel took another bite out of him severing his vocal cords so that he couldn't scream anymore as she quickly finished eating him. After devouring the last tentacle she tried to get out of bed , but it was no good, even after eating K-kun she was still too hungry to walk.
Alien # 1 decided it was time to go back and check on K-kun. He opened the door and didn't see anything, even Excel was gone. For a moment he wondered if K-kun had kidnapped her. Then he noticed a piece of a goofy looking tentacle on the floor. Whatever that piece of goofy looking tentacle meant, it couldn't be good for him. "Gorbo-nob waglry!"
While eating K-kuns body Excel had discovered that the goofy looking alien had been carrying a light saber. She swung it at Alien # 1's ankles.
"Graowblooooo!" Alien # 1 screamed in surprise as the burning blade of energy cut through his ankles like piranha in a gold fish tank.
"WHERE'S ILLPALATZO?" Excel slammed the door on that weird meatball looking thing hanging off Alien # 1's crotch it seemed to send a spasm through his body when the door hit it causing his body to jump into the air slightly.
"Rabojo! Kakojl narruuu!" Alien # 1 said pleadingly, but Excel wouldn't have any of that.
She slammed the door on it again causing his body to spasm again. "Rabojo! Rabojo!" Alien # 1 said pleadingly.
Whoever he was he didn't seem to have anything to do with Illpalatzo, either that or he just couldn't speak her language or possibly both reasons. Then Excel noticed his nametag "Alien # 1"
Flashback
Alien # 1 stood over Excels bed unbuckling his nonexistent pants He pointed at his nametag "Alien # 1 bobju kakrubo torgo!". Then he finished unbuckling his imaginary pants and said "Neu!NeuNeu!"
"YOUR ALIEN # 1 RIGHT?"
"Bargo-popopo!
"And you're here to NEUNEUNEU, RIGHT?"
"ALIEN # 1 DOESN'T RHYME WITH NEUNEUNEU!" he screamed in English for the first time in this fic as Excel slammed the door on that weird ball hanging off his crotch for the last time. The ball popped off , purple goop spraying out from where it had once been connected, Alien # 1 went into another spasm and then lay there unmoving aside from a twitch here and there. Excel put on his goofy looking purple hat so that she would look less suspicious and looked outside, no one was there. She quickly took off alien # 1's shirt and got in a wheel chair.
As she rolled down the hallway the same doctor who had encountered Kobayashi in her previous visit noticed Excel. "Oh, Alien # 1, I was looking for you. Say.. You kind of look different.."
"Uhhhhh..."
"Oh I see you had that weird thing on your crotch removed. Is that why you're in the wheel chair?"
"Yeah, you got it, hey look a distracting object!"
"Wow! Its some guy eating a bucket of nails while cross dressing!" the doctor said in awe as Excel wheeled away. She looked at Alien #1's key chain. One of the attachments was a logo in flamboyant pink letters that said "Unidentified flying pussy"
"That Neuneuneu!" Excel said in disgust as she continued looking for his car. She continued around the parking lot until she spotted a shiny but clunky looking yellow UFO in one of the parking stalls, in big pink letters painted on its side were the words "unidentified flying pussy"
Excel took a look at the key chain and then looked back at the clunky UFO with a smile on her face.
She opened the door and climbed inside, the wheel chair rolling away. She'd have to get some food so that she'd have enough strength to pilot the UFO.
For the first time Excel began to audibly narrate her situation to the audience of one fly that happened to be buzzing around the cockpit.
"After five years of beauty sleep I knew nothing of my enemies strengths or weaknesses, well aside from the fact that they would all probably taste pretty good right now. I set my sites on the one enemy who would probably taste the best. Menchi wouldn't be hard to find, after all one doesn't usually hide one self when one is the queen of the Tokyo underworld."
Flash back with Excel narrating
"Menchis first acquaintance with death was at the age of eleven. It was at that age that the little white dog that looked like a cat witnessed the murder of her parents at the hands of Boss Hound, leader of the most ruthless canine branch of Yakuza in all of Japan!"
Menchi watched with her scared beady black eyes as a violent fight was going on in the same room she was in right now. Wolf was fighting several dogs working for hound. He grabbed the neck of one dog in his mouth crushing his wind pipe and slammed him into a nearby bookcase. From behind him , Cheater the (dog who always carried dice and wears an eye patch from the first Menchi episode) ,the right hand dog of Boss hound took out two four sided dice and hurled them with such force that they shot through Wolfs body. Two jet sprays of blood shot from the holes made by cheaters dice. Wolf fell to the ground defeated, the two jets of blood still spraying into the air like geysers. He began to get up and looked at his enemys, blood spraying from his bodie. Mad Pooch (the other dog from the menchi episode with the scar face) walked foreward to look at his old nemises "Wolf your legend ends here today, now my era begins!" he swung a katana granting Wolf a dogs death!
.
At this point Boss Hound came into the light, (he's the same old guy from the two Menchi episodes) He grabbed Kyoko (the girl dog who was with wolf who plays menchis mom in this fic) and flung her onto the bed, then he reached behind his back and pulled out a huge mini gun! As if the weapon were some horrific phallic symbol he thrust it at her and pulled the trigger shredding her body and sending tufts of her blood stained fur into the air.
Menchi began to whimper as several of the bullets tore through the bed but Menchi quickly grabbed onto the whimper and shoved it back in her mouth.
As boss hound left Cheater turned around and hurled one six sided die at a bottle of sake shattering it. A burning cigarette was on a nearby chair, he shot another die at it sending the cigarette into the air. It landed in the puddle of sake lighting it up in a blaze of glory.
As Menchi left the burning house she swore she would get revenge on Boss Hound! Luckily for Menchi, Boss Hound had a thing for little white dogs that look like cats. At age 13 Menchi got her revenge!
Menchi sat on top of the old man who was naked , while she was cos playing as a Japanese school girl, where Menchi had found a school uniform small enough to fit a little dog was anyone's guess. But right now the old man had other things to worry about as Menchi had the barrels of the same sort of mini gun he had killed her parents with pressed against his chest. She pulled the trigger sending a hail of hot lead into his body.
"Arf! Arf Arf!" Menchi began to say as the bullets ripped into him.
Subtitle: Boss hound! Do my eyes look familiar to you? Look closely at my eyes, my mouth, do they look like someone you killed?
Although Menchi didn't know this, she was adopted which is why she didn't look anything like Wolf or Kyoko. Also with that Mini gun sending out a thunderous roar he couldn't hear what she was saying. But Menchi didn't care , she had avenged Wolf and Kyoko!
The door opened, Cheater and Mad Pooch ran in the room, Cheater hurled his dice but Menchi used the old mans body as a shield diving under the bed she pulled out two desert eagle guns, somehow operating them without thumbs she blasted the legs out from under her enemies.
Cheaters dice landed on the floor, a two and a four, very unlucky! Menchi somehow managed to pull the trigger again without thumbs blasting them both in the head.
"At age 20, Menchi was the top canine assassin world wide!"
Menchi stood atop a building in some South American city dressed in a shiny red spandex outfit with a long sniper rifle.
Down below
The queen of magic from the Puni Puni Poemi OVA waved to the crowds around her, when suddenly something hit her on the head, blood spraying out like a geyser. She fell down dead as everyone screamed. One of her security men came over and pulled something from her head. "My god! It's an acupuncture needle!"
"At age 25, she played her part in the murder of eight innocent people including my unborn daughter."
Menchi flew into the air delivering a devastating blow to Excels face with her tiny paw.
"But she made one mistake, she should have killed nine! But before satisfaction would be mine, first things first." Excel pressed the tractor beam button grabbing another pigeon out of the air.
"Mmmmm.. Yummy!" Excel shoved the panicking bird into her mouth, feathers and all.
13 pigeons later
Excel stuck Alien #1's key in the ignition and put on his purple hat as the UFO rumbled to life and began to fly off.
Next time: The fish from Okinawa
Chapter 2: The lactose intolerant bride
Authors notes: For those unfamiliar with minor characters the detective Pudding chan, the girl haunted by the ghost of her detective dad from the detective episode is the one who arrives on the crime scene in the flashback. Also Alien # 1 and K-kun are from the puni puni poemi excel saga spin off. Alien # 1 only speaks in gibberish.
A short while after the massacre of Excels wedding.
A girl in a detective suit and hat drove up to the church that the massacre took place in. "Hmmmm.. This could be it.. For the last forty years I've been trailing that bank robber, now I'll be able to put him away for good."
As she walked inside she took a look around. The place was a bloodstained mess, it was as if the god of war and Ronald McDonald had a snowball fight in LA using raw hamburger! Bodies lay dead on the floor, puddles of blood everywhere, bits of brain on the wallpaper, and on the piano too, gumming up the keys like the arteries of so many overweight Americans!
She walked over to one man who had clearly been beheaded by a katana. "Hmmmm"
"Detective! What do you make of this?" asked the sheriff
"It's not him! It's not the guy I've been after for forty long years!" Pudding chan began to cry.
"I'm not sure I follow this."
"Clearly this isn't an act of homicide, all these people were just clumsy and had accidents! This man who was beheaded, notice that he's next to a table, some of his blood is on the table. Clearly he tripped over his own foot and his neck hit the blunt edge of the table instantly decapitating him!"
"Wow! You detectives sure are smart! I never would have thought of that!"
"And this fellow over here, it's obvious that he slipped in that pool of blood and landed on these bullets."
"But if all these are accidents, how come they happened in the same place?"
"Accidents are contagious, just like yawns."
"Wow I didn't know that, I'd better be more careful around people who have accidents."
"Hey sheriff, I forgot to go to the bathroom before we left and I think I had an accident!"
"Stay away from me!" the sheriff backed away from his deputy in fear.
"Hmmmm interesting, it looks like there's one more accident victim over here." She was looking down the open trap door in the floor.
"What is it detective?"
She dove down the open trap door, landing with a splash.
"Milk..ugghh. and it smells bad!" it was as if a thousand angry monkeys were throwing a tantrum in her nose.
Pudding chan pulled Excel out of at tub of expired milk "Clearly this woman was lactose intolerant and died from drinking expired milk.. Looks like she also fell on a bullet." Excel coughed up some chunks of curdled milk on her trench coat.
The sheriff looked down the trap door "That tall drink of milk is alive!"
"Oh shut up and get us out of here!"
Later after Excel gets taken to a hospital
Excel lay in a coma on the hospital bed, which almost seemed unnatural for someone as hyperactive as she once was.
Outside as the rain poured down in buckets an Alfa Romeo model car drove into the hospital parking lot. As it pulled into the stall the door opened and out stepped a brown haired woman who bore a vague resemblance to Excel. This was Kobayashi Excel, code named Kobayashi Excel.
"Hmmm. so she's in room 666. I'd better make myself inconspicuous." She put on an artsy looking trench coat. Her coat was designed to look like it had a belt and buttons but those were actually painted on. Next she took out an eye patch and stuck it on her face. Written on the eye patch were the words "I'm not a suspicious person"
"Good, now that I look like a villain form a spy movie, no one will ever suspect a thing. Just in case I'd better act non chalant and whistle." Kobayshi took her umbrella, which had matching colors to those of her trench coat and began walking down the corridor while whistling a highly suspicious yet catchy tune.
As melody drifted through the hallways reaching excels room, the suspicious yet catchy whistling tune almost seemed like the bell of death tolling for some unfortunate person. Kobayashi found the changing room the nurses used, still whistling she walked inside and began changing. After a few more minutes of changing the door opened. This time the words "I'm just a naughty nurse" were written on her eye patch. Because it would have been awfully suspicious if she had worn the same eye patch she walked in with. In one hand she had a platter with a bottle of some unidentifiable substance.
After arriving at Excels room Kobayashi stood over her bed. "I may never have liked you. In fact I hated you for taking the lead role, which should have been mine. All I ever got to do was sing the intro song with Hyatt Mikako. But that shouldn't suggest that I don't respect you. Which is why I won't use this little bottle of some poison on you, I doubt it would have killed you anyway, but I have something much bigger!" Kobayashi pulled out a pokeball "All right Koffing, lets do this!" when her cell phone rang to the same tune as the Excel Saga theme song.
She put down the pokeballand pulled out her cell phone. "What is it?"
"Where are you right now?"
"I'm standing over Excel withmy Koffing pokeball, he's going to gas that show stealer to death!"
"I want to call off the hit." Illpalatzo moved the phone away from his ear so that Kobayashis loud protests would be less audible. In his other hand he held something that looked like a fish, polished as shiny as if it were a katana wielded by a mighty samurai warrior.
"Like hell you are! Do you know how much trouble I went through to get this pokeball, I had to kill all of team rocket! Besides I just know she's going to wake up and take all my parts again if I don't chop her head off right now!"
"Kobayashi , we did a lot of things to that girl, and if she wakes up we'll do a whole lot more. I put a bullet in her brain and dropped her into a tub of spoiled milk something any normal human would never survive, but her heart never stopped beating. One thing we won't do Kobayashi is sneak in her room and gas her to death with something from an anime as awful as pokemon. Do you know why we won't do that thing? We won't do that thing because that thing would lower us to the level of the ignorant masses across seeks to control.."
"I guess your right." Kobayashi stuck the pokeball back in her bag.
"Do you really have to guess?"
"I guess not."
"That's my decisive girl, now why don't you come on home."
Kobayashi turned to Excel before going "You must think that was pretty funny huh?" and took out a permanent marker. Then she drew a mustache and glasses as well as other graffiti all over Excels face. "Well now I'm the one laughing!" she pointed at Excels face and laughed. "And if you ever wake up you'll get a lot more from where that came from!" Kobayashi walked out of the room.
"Hey I don't remember a nurse with an eye patch working here." said a doctor that happened to walk past her.
"Oops, wrong patch!" She took out her "I'm not a suspicious person" patch and put it on. "There is that better!"
"Oh, well I still don't remember seeing you here before but since your not a suspicious person I guess its ok." Kobayashi and the doctor continued walking in opposite directions.
Five years later
Myoga the old flea demon from Inuyasha hopped up on excels bedside. "Mmm.. Boy am I hungry." He stuck his sucker into her arm sucking her blood. As if on reflex Excels hand slapped him.
"Why does this always happen to me?" A very flat Myoga said as he fell to the floor.
Excel sat up with a start looking around wildly. Illpalatzo and the others who did this to her were gone, she was in a hospital. How long had she been out? Then she felt her stomach, her baby was gone! Excel rarely ever felt sad or regretful about anything but it hit her like a wave. They had killed her baby! She began to cry, then her stomach growled, Excel deflated like a flat tire her hunger ruining a dramatic moment yet again, then suddenly she heard some footsteps. Excel quickly lay down and pretended to still be asleep.
The door opened and in walked two very strange people. One was wearing a blue operator shirt like a doctor would wear. On his nametag was the name "Alien # 1". He also had purple skin and a purple hat. The feature that stood out the most though was a weird thing sort of like a tail hanging off his crotch, a strange meatball like object on the end of it. The person accompanying Alien # 1 looked like some kid whose body had been replaced by really goofy looking tentacles.
"Oh wow! Finally after all these years I'll be able to fulfill my tentacle fantasies!" K-Kun was practically crying with joy. All the other tentacle monsters would make fun of his goofy looking tentacles and the fact that he was still a virgin. But now he'd be the one laughing... well as much as one could laugh when doing a comatose girl, but to K-kun this was a victory worthy of being praised by the gods themselves.
Alien # 1 decided it was time to lay down the ground rules, he couldn't have K-kun blowing his little secret. He walked over to Excel and pointed at her face saying "Gar-goyubap po nubble wap bugle!"
"What did you say?"
"Gar-goyubap po nubble wap bugle!"
"Hmmm.. Oh I get it you want me to punch her and give her a black eye, oh I like your style!"
Alien # 1 frantically waved his hands shouting "Gar-goyubap po nubble wap bugle!" "You want me to give her a hickey?"
This was no good, the communication gap was too large Alien # 1 picked up a piece of paper and wrote "Don't do anything that leaves physical marks! No hickeys, no shiners and no decapitations!"
"Oh I get it!"
Alien # 1 was about to walk out of the room when he said "Weh! Dabugarb go foobiolo!" and tossed K-kun a can car engine lubricant.
After Alien # 1 walked out of the room K-kuns goofy looking tentacles began to wrap around Excels body. "Finally! I'm going to be able to make it with a woman!"
Excel opened her eyes, in her hunger K-kun looked like one of those barbequed squid you might buy in Japan. As K-kun was leaning down to her face Excel latched her jaws onto him like a rabid dog, devouring his tentacles.
"No! I don't want to die a virgin!" Excel took another bite out of him severing his vocal cords so that he couldn't scream anymore as she quickly finished eating him. After devouring the last tentacle she tried to get out of bed , but it was no good, even after eating K-kun she was still too hungry to walk.
Alien # 1 decided it was time to go back and check on K-kun. He opened the door and didn't see anything, even Excel was gone. For a moment he wondered if K-kun had kidnapped her. Then he noticed a piece of a goofy looking tentacle on the floor. Whatever that piece of goofy looking tentacle meant, it couldn't be good for him. "Gorbo-nob waglry!"
While eating K-kuns body Excel had discovered that the goofy looking alien had been carrying a light saber. She swung it at Alien # 1's ankles.
"Graowblooooo!" Alien # 1 screamed in surprise as the burning blade of energy cut through his ankles like piranha in a gold fish tank.
"WHERE'S ILLPALATZO?" Excel slammed the door on that weird meatball looking thing hanging off Alien # 1's crotch it seemed to send a spasm through his body when the door hit it causing his body to jump into the air slightly.
"Rabojo! Kakojl narruuu!" Alien # 1 said pleadingly, but Excel wouldn't have any of that.
She slammed the door on it again causing his body to spasm again. "Rabojo! Rabojo!" Alien # 1 said pleadingly.
Whoever he was he didn't seem to have anything to do with Illpalatzo, either that or he just couldn't speak her language or possibly both reasons. Then Excel noticed his nametag "Alien # 1"
Flashback
Alien # 1 stood over Excels bed unbuckling his nonexistent pants He pointed at his nametag "Alien # 1 bobju kakrubo torgo!". Then he finished unbuckling his imaginary pants and said "Neu!NeuNeu!"
"YOUR ALIEN # 1 RIGHT?"
"Bargo-popopo!
"And you're here to NEUNEUNEU, RIGHT?"
"ALIEN # 1 DOESN'T RHYME WITH NEUNEUNEU!" he screamed in English for the first time in this fic as Excel slammed the door on that weird ball hanging off his crotch for the last time. The ball popped off , purple goop spraying out from where it had once been connected, Alien # 1 went into another spasm and then lay there unmoving aside from a twitch here and there. Excel put on his goofy looking purple hat so that she would look less suspicious and looked outside, no one was there. She quickly took off alien # 1's shirt and got in a wheel chair.
As she rolled down the hallway the same doctor who had encountered Kobayashi in her previous visit noticed Excel. "Oh, Alien # 1, I was looking for you. Say.. You kind of look different.."
"Uhhhhh..."
"Oh I see you had that weird thing on your crotch removed. Is that why you're in the wheel chair?"
"Yeah, you got it, hey look a distracting object!"
"Wow! Its some guy eating a bucket of nails while cross dressing!" the doctor said in awe as Excel wheeled away. She looked at Alien #1's key chain. One of the attachments was a logo in flamboyant pink letters that said "Unidentified flying pussy"
"That Neuneuneu!" Excel said in disgust as she continued looking for his car. She continued around the parking lot until she spotted a shiny but clunky looking yellow UFO in one of the parking stalls, in big pink letters painted on its side were the words "unidentified flying pussy"
Excel took a look at the key chain and then looked back at the clunky UFO with a smile on her face.
She opened the door and climbed inside, the wheel chair rolling away. She'd have to get some food so that she'd have enough strength to pilot the UFO.
For the first time Excel began to audibly narrate her situation to the audience of one fly that happened to be buzzing around the cockpit.
"After five years of beauty sleep I knew nothing of my enemies strengths or weaknesses, well aside from the fact that they would all probably taste pretty good right now. I set my sites on the one enemy who would probably taste the best. Menchi wouldn't be hard to find, after all one doesn't usually hide one self when one is the queen of the Tokyo underworld."
Flash back with Excel narrating
"Menchis first acquaintance with death was at the age of eleven. It was at that age that the little white dog that looked like a cat witnessed the murder of her parents at the hands of Boss Hound, leader of the most ruthless canine branch of Yakuza in all of Japan!"
Menchi watched with her scared beady black eyes as a violent fight was going on in the same room she was in right now. Wolf was fighting several dogs working for hound. He grabbed the neck of one dog in his mouth crushing his wind pipe and slammed him into a nearby bookcase. From behind him , Cheater the (dog who always carried dice and wears an eye patch from the first Menchi episode) ,the right hand dog of Boss hound took out two four sided dice and hurled them with such force that they shot through Wolfs body. Two jet sprays of blood shot from the holes made by cheaters dice. Wolf fell to the ground defeated, the two jets of blood still spraying into the air like geysers. He began to get up and looked at his enemys, blood spraying from his bodie. Mad Pooch (the other dog from the menchi episode with the scar face) walked foreward to look at his old nemises "Wolf your legend ends here today, now my era begins!" he swung a katana granting Wolf a dogs death!
.
At this point Boss Hound came into the light, (he's the same old guy from the two Menchi episodes) He grabbed Kyoko (the girl dog who was with wolf who plays menchis mom in this fic) and flung her onto the bed, then he reached behind his back and pulled out a huge mini gun! As if the weapon were some horrific phallic symbol he thrust it at her and pulled the trigger shredding her body and sending tufts of her blood stained fur into the air.
Menchi began to whimper as several of the bullets tore through the bed but Menchi quickly grabbed onto the whimper and shoved it back in her mouth.
As boss hound left Cheater turned around and hurled one six sided die at a bottle of sake shattering it. A burning cigarette was on a nearby chair, he shot another die at it sending the cigarette into the air. It landed in the puddle of sake lighting it up in a blaze of glory.
As Menchi left the burning house she swore she would get revenge on Boss Hound! Luckily for Menchi, Boss Hound had a thing for little white dogs that look like cats. At age 13 Menchi got her revenge!
Menchi sat on top of the old man who was naked , while she was cos playing as a Japanese school girl, where Menchi had found a school uniform small enough to fit a little dog was anyone's guess. But right now the old man had other things to worry about as Menchi had the barrels of the same sort of mini gun he had killed her parents with pressed against his chest. She pulled the trigger sending a hail of hot lead into his body.
"Arf! Arf Arf!" Menchi began to say as the bullets ripped into him.
Subtitle: Boss hound! Do my eyes look familiar to you? Look closely at my eyes, my mouth, do they look like someone you killed?
Although Menchi didn't know this, she was adopted which is why she didn't look anything like Wolf or Kyoko. Also with that Mini gun sending out a thunderous roar he couldn't hear what she was saying. But Menchi didn't care , she had avenged Wolf and Kyoko!
The door opened, Cheater and Mad Pooch ran in the room, Cheater hurled his dice but Menchi used the old mans body as a shield diving under the bed she pulled out two desert eagle guns, somehow operating them without thumbs she blasted the legs out from under her enemies.
Cheaters dice landed on the floor, a two and a four, very unlucky! Menchi somehow managed to pull the trigger again without thumbs blasting them both in the head.
"At age 20, Menchi was the top canine assassin world wide!"
Menchi stood atop a building in some South American city dressed in a shiny red spandex outfit with a long sniper rifle.
Down below
The queen of magic from the Puni Puni Poemi OVA waved to the crowds around her, when suddenly something hit her on the head, blood spraying out like a geyser. She fell down dead as everyone screamed. One of her security men came over and pulled something from her head. "My god! It's an acupuncture needle!"
"At age 25, she played her part in the murder of eight innocent people including my unborn daughter."
Menchi flew into the air delivering a devastating blow to Excels face with her tiny paw.
"But she made one mistake, she should have killed nine! But before satisfaction would be mine, first things first." Excel pressed the tractor beam button grabbing another pigeon out of the air.
"Mmmmm.. Yummy!" Excel shoved the panicking bird into her mouth, feathers and all.
13 pigeons later
Excel stuck Alien #1's key in the ignition and put on his purple hat as the UFO rumbled to life and began to fly off.
Next time: The fish from Okinawa