Kill Illpalatzo

Ch.3: The fish from Okinawa

Authors notes: Looks like I'm finally getting off my lazy butt to update this. I hadn't realized this before but I combined the 2nd and 3rd chapters in chapter 2. Also in response to one of the reviews commenting about Alien #1 speaking gibberish. I haven't seen the ADV version of puni puni poemi so I don't know if they took any liberties with his dialogue, but in the original Japanese version was definatly-speaking gibberish. Also the Asau sisters will make a small appearance in Kill Illpalatzo vol 2. The use of the fish as a sword was also partially inspired by a character used by bloodstorm, a guy I rpg with sometimes.

Excel parked the UFO outside the airport much to every ones surprise. "Okinawa, one way!" Excel said cheerfully.

"Uhh you have a UFO , so why are you taking the airlines?" said the man as he gave her the ticket

"Hmmmm, well it ran out of gas and I was too cheap to get another antimatter core. I'll have to get one when I come back."

"But that was a one way ticuit."

"WAH! I hadn't thought of that! Oh well I'm sure things will work out somehow." Excels bag fell open, various machine guns, hand grenades and a large battle ax fell out. She zipped her bag back up and put it on the ramp for inspection.

"Hmmm, hand grenade, knuckle blades, armor piercing rounds…. No box cutters here, you can go through." The man said handing Excel her bag.

"Yes! Now I can finally experience the joys of cramped seats and mediocre air plane food!" Excel said getting on the plane.

Later in a tiny sushi bar in Okinawa worked a mysterious man who communicated with nothing more then a ukulele.

He twanged angrily on his Ukulele, Poemi was slacking off again!

As he twanged the instrument a subtitle went across the screen since most people don't speak in ukulele.

Subtitle: Poemi get your ass out here! We have a customer!

Excel walked into the sushi bar looking like a typical Japanese tourist. Excel decided it would be best not to let on her true intentions here, using the years of skill she had spent honing as Illpalatzos top assassin her acting was impeccable, she would pose as a tourist from America.

"Hello, I would like undercooked fish with no head please! I am American terrorist! Not Engrish, but American. Your mother is pig!"

The ukulele guy stared blankly at her with his expressionless face, but a large sweat drop on the back of his head betrayed his confusion.

"Did someone say a terrorist is here? Kobayashi punch!" Poemi ran out in puni puni poemi mode, about to beat the living daylights out of Excel, but the ukulele guy bonked her over the head with his ukulele knocking her out cold and dragged her out back. After doing so he began to play his ukulele.

Subtitle: Ok who are you really? And what do you want with me?

"Wow, you saw through my disguise! You truly are a master!" Excel said in Japanese giving up on trying to imitate an American tourist.

Subtitle:.....

"I guess this means I can skip over the part where I order sake and the bald guy is to lazy to get it right?"

"Kobayashi isn't bald! Kobayashi is busy watching her soap operas!" Poemis voice called from the back room.

Excel went on "I'm here for the Ukulele guys fish!"

subtitle: This is a sushi bar so I guess you would be....

"Not the sushi.....although I'll have some of that later, it's been too long since I've had something good, lately I haven't had anything to eat except pigeons and air plane food. I was thinking more like this one." Excel picked up Poemis fish baton, which she had dropped, but the ukulele guy quickly grabbed it out of her hand.

Subtitle: You must be really hungry if you want the ukulele guys fish.

"You have no idea...."

Subtitle: Come with me.

The ukulele guy led Excel through the back of the sushi bar into a hidden room. The walls were lined with many fish similar to the one Poemi had used. These were the legendary magical fish constructed by the ukulele guy. Supposedly these were not just the finest magical fish made in Japan but in the entire world as well. Excel reached out to touch one of the gleaming fish. Normally when Excel saw something interesting she would touch it right away, about half the time this would result in the object in question getting broken , but even Excel couldn't help but feel some reverence for the Ukulele guys master creations.

"Can I..."

Subtitle: Go ahead...

Excel was about to grab a fish baton similar to Poemis

Subtitle: Try the fish below it.

Excel grabbed the fish baton, and transformed into a magical girl similar to Poemi, at the same time the fish bones transformed into something like a katana blade.

Subtitle: I see you like magical fish....I prefer hand grenades myself.

The ukulele guy pulled a pin from a hand grenade and hurled it at Excel, with lightning fast reflexes she parried it with the fish's blade cutting it into several pieces before it could explode.

Subtitle: If you know so much, you must also surely know , that I no longer make fish that kill people....not unless you count that blowfish that business man ate here last month but that doesn't count, that was an accident. I keep these here for aesthetic value. As proud as I am of my life's work I am retired.

"Give me one of these then."

"These are not for sale."

Excel took out some brass knuckles and put them on her hand. "I said give me one of these!"

Subtitle: Ok...maybe we can work something out, but aside from the fact that I would get a savage beating if I don't, why should I help you?

"One of those fish that needs to be eaten....he's a former student of yours....And considering the fish, I think you have a rather large obligation!"

The ukulele guy got a shocked look on his face, on a nearby window that was all fogged over he began to write "Illpalatzo, but since Illpalatzo is such a long name and it was a very small window he only managed to write "Illpala"

Subtitle: You can sleep over there. It will take me one month, I suggest you spend that time training....

The ukulele guy went back down stair leaving Excel with the fish.

Excel walked over to the window, if he couldn't write the entire name, he shouldn't have written it at all. Excel rubbed it out.

One month later

The ukulele guy dressed in white ceremonial robes he took out a new fish, it was of finer quality then any of the others Excel had seen in his attic. He began to play his ukulele again, only those fluent in ukulele could understand what he was saying , fortunately both Excel and Poemi were.

Subtitle: I have completed doing what I swore an oath to god 28 years ago to never do again. I have completed making a fish that kills people. I have done this because philosophically I am sympathetic to your aims, also I didn't want to get beat up.

The Ukulele guy sheathed the fish, it's blade shrinking back into the fish bones on the end of the baton, the markings in the handle were similar to those of a samurai sword in a yellow and black pattern. On the blade, which had now shrunk into a fish head, was a carving of a lioness.

Subtitle: With no ego this is the finest fish I have ever created. If on your journey you encounter god, a mod a log or even a dog, they will all be cut. Revenge is never a straight line, and often times it is best served with pinto beans and muffins. Now go yellow haired warrior.....and be sure to buy some pinto beans....and muffins...

The ukulele guy then preceded to hand her the most deadly magical fish ever conceived

"I don't suppose you have any wasabe to go with that?"

Subtitle: I have some out back I'll go get it...