Chapter Nine
"You were floundering," Josh announced as Toby handed him his second cup of hospital coffee. "You were floundering and I was stoic."
"Right, I misread the situation then because when I heard a shrill cry of my name coming from the living room I thought that indicated a certain lack of stoicism."
"I asked you to come in to talk to Sam because I knew that as his boss he'd have a…wait a minute, did you just say shrill?"
Toby nodded as he blew over the rim of his cup.
"Can I remind you that it was me that managed to talk Sam round when he refused to get out of the car when we got here?"
"You can, and I was pleased to see that you managed to do it without resorting to calling my name like you did earlier, in a very shrill tone."
"I know what you're doing- you're trying to take my mind off everything by offending me and denying my stoicism."
Toby raised his eyebrows and blew again at his coffee. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing."
Josh put his coffee down untouched and walked over to the door. He stared down the corridor through the glass and rested his head against it. Toby watched him and waited until he had returned to his seat before speaking. "What's going on with you and Sam?"
Josh twisted round in his seat, nearly knocking the abandoned cup of coffee over. "What? What do you mean what's going on? Nothing's going on."
Toby kept a wary eye on the door before continuing in a lowered voice. "You've barely spoken to him for months and now you can't keep away. I know you're worried about him but…I don't want you confusing Sam with…issues…that he doesn't need to be…confused about right now."
Josh couldn't help but smile at Toby's fumbling words. "Hey, speechwriter, spit it out."
"Don't confuse Sam needing you at the moment with Sam wanting you back."
Josh's smile disappeared and he stared at Toby open mouthed, shocked both by what he had said and the fact that he had said it at all. He didn't have time to reply as Toby stood up quickly, mumbled something about finding out what was taking so long and walked out of the room. Josh remained frozen to his seat staring at the door through which Toby had quickly exited. He had known that Toby knew about him and Sam; everyone knew. Nobody spoke about it though. There were veiled references but no one ever mentioned it in terms that anyone who wasn't in the know would understand. Josh and Sam were together during the campaign, Bartlet won and they weren't together anymore. It was as simple as that and everyone accepted, some with considerable more relief than others, that Sam and Josh had decided that being a gay couple and working on Bartlet's senior staff was not an option. What they didn't know though was that Sam and Josh hadn't decided, Josh had, and it was a decision that he had regretted ever since.
Josh had just decided to go and find Toby and ask him what 'wanting you back' meant exactly when Toby, followed by a doctor, entered the room.
"This is Doctor Simms," Toby said as he walked over to his seat and picked up his coat. "I'm going to see Sam." For the second time Toby exited before Josh could say anything. He turned his attention to the doctor and listened to what he had to say.
On the floor above them, Toby and Sam sat in a waiting room. Sam was nervously pulling at a piece of unravelling wool on his cuff. Toby was watching him.
"Just be honest with them, Sam. If you try to make it sound less serious than it was they'll know."
"Yeah, because I was thinking maybe if I glossed over the whole jumping off the balcony thing they might not cart me off to the asylum straight away and then we'll-"
"Stop it!"
Sam didn't know if Toby meant for him to stop unravelling his sweater or talking so he stopped both.
It didn't take Josh long to listen to the doctor and ask a few questions and by the time he went upstairs, Sam was already being seen and Toby was sitting alone. He nodded at Toby and chose a seat on the opposite side of the room. He was ignoring him but it didn't seem to be having the required effect as Toby was paying Josh very little attention anyway. Josh decided that he could outlast Toby and reached for a magazine. He didn't last long. "About me and Sam, what you said earlier, you're wrong you know. I'm not here now because I think he'll want me back."
Toby rubbed at his nose, sighed and then looked up. "Do you wanna maybe come over here because I'm not sure they heard you in the ER!"
"Oh! Right, yeah, okay." Josh threw the magazine on the pile and went and sat next to Toby. "What I mean is I don't have any ulterior motives. I just want to be here for him."
"I'm looking at my watch and the big hand's on the six. When the big hand's on the seven, this conversation is over and we will never again talk of you know what."
"The love that dare not speak its name?" Josh asked.
"See, a few seconds just went by there when you could have been saying something sensible."
Josh thrust his hands in his pockets and walked over to the window. "It's not about trying to get Sam back. It's…it's more that I realise I never should have…you know…I shouldn't be here having this conversation because if I hadn't have ended the thing like I did, when I did, I would be here because…" Josh sighed and took a deep breath. "This isn't making much sense is it?"
"Not much, no."
"To have to justify why I'm here to you, just makes me realise what I've thrown away. I should be here because I should always be where Sam is."
Toby had thought Josh would whine about how dumping Sam had been a mistake. He hadn't planned on having to respond to a declaration of such depth that he was momentarily lost for words. He stood up and ran a hand through his hair to give himself time to come up with a reply. Well then, if that's how you feel, you should tell him that. Although, I'd work on your delivery a little before you do."
For the second time that evening, Josh looked at Toby in stunned silence. Of all the responses he had expected that hadn't been one. "Wait a minute, did you just…are you condoning a very un-heterosexual relationship between two senior staffers?"
"I'm not saying we should paint the White House multicoloured and burst into I Can Sing a Rainbow but yeah- what you said."
Josh tried to start a sentence three times but bursts of surprised laughter stopped him. By the time he had ordered the words in his head to make any sort of sense, Toby was engrossed in a medical journal that had been lying on the coffee table. Josh turned back to the window and looked at the idiot grinning back at him. Toby didn't mind, Toby didn't mind if he and Sam got back together and as far as Josh was concerned that was as good as Sam not minding too. The idiot stopped grinning as he realised that he was yet to even gauge Sam's views on the matter but soon started again when he realised he didn't care. Toby didn't mind and that was as good as a done deal for Josh.
"I think I've got some at home."
The sound of Sam's voice shook Josh from his reverie and he turned to see him enter the room with the doctor who had evaluated him. Josh sighed in relief when he realised his irrational fears that Sam wouldn't be released were unfounded.
"You think? How many have you used since last week?"
"I don't know. I had some left but I can't remember how many I used tonight."
Doctor Hanley looked at the exhausted man before him and gave up on his attempt to discover what medication Sam had taken and how much he had left. "Okay, well it doesn't matter. I'll give you a script for what we discussed and the next time we meet we can talk about ways of keeping tabs on your medication."
"Just ask Josh, he's keeping a journal," Sam replied as he sat heavily in the chair.
Toby rolled his eyes at Sam's announcement but Doctor Hanley beamed. "Well good for you, Mr Lyman. That's an excellent idea. Can I take a look at Sam's next appointment?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty methodical, I try to-"
"Sam, start walking." Toby didn't need to hear, yet again, about Josh's scientific, methodical, note taking skills.
They filed out of the room and towards the elevator. Once inside Sam slumped against the handrail. "If I don't get home soon I'm going to fall asleep standing up."
"Giraffes do that," Josh replied thoughtfully. "Actually, it may be…no I think it's giraffes. Maybe it's elephants."
Toby shook his head and muttered to himself.
"I don't think it's elephants," Josh continued.
"Neither do I."
"Whales, what do they do? They do something while they're swimming."
"I think they do most things while they're swimming."
Toby closed his eyes and leant back against the side of the lift. Less than four hours ago he had dragged Sam back from the edge of a balcony and now he was listening to inane banter. To Toby, it was a very sweet sound indeed.
The line of Sam's CDs had grown to reach from the living room door to the sofa. Josh had been clearing up the room while Sam slept when he had spotted amongst the broken cases and sleeves, a CD that he had bought for Sam just before they had split up. Further inspection of the scattered cases unearthed a CD Josh had made for Sam, a recording of a live show they had gone to together, Sam's favourite driving CD and a collection of albums by a group that Josh had introduced Sam to.
The line of CDs told the history of Sam and Josh. It started with the pre Josh and Sam collection, CDs that Josh had ridiculed Sam for owning, then there were the albums that Josh had bought Sam or could remember Sam buying, the album that replaced the one Sam had played all the way to Maine and Josh had thrown out of the car window, the collection of songs that Sam always chose to relax to. After that came the post Sam and Josh collection. This was made up of artists that Josh didn't even know Sam liked, albums that made Josh smile because they were released by artists that he had introduced him to and CDs that made Josh grimace with the knowledge that Sam was reverting back to his old ways. Josh opened the case to the Best of Gilbert and Sullivan Overtures and shook his head. Enough was enough. Josh decided that he needed to wake Sam up and tell him that for the good of his music collection they had to get back together again.
He walked quickly into the bedroom but one glance at the figure sprawled on the bed made him smile at the thought that he had even considered waking Sam who looked more peaceful than he had for weeks. He slowed his pace and knelt down beside the bed. Sam's arms lay crossed over his chest, one hand tucked beneath his face which Josh was glad to see had more colour than it had when they arrived home from the hospital. His breathing was deep and slow. Tentatively, Josh reached up and ran his fingers softly through Sam's hair, revelling in the sensation that he had never forgotten. Sam shifted slightly and Josh's hand sprung out of the way but Sam settled again.
When Josh's knees began to ache he stood and walked over to the other side of the bed. Carefully and as gently as he could, he lay down on it next to Sam. He intended to just watch Sam sleep but soon the temptation became too much and he reached over and returned his hand to Sam's head. This time he didn't stroke at Sam's hair but let his hand lay still.
Josh slept and Sam slept on. The light from the living room peeked through the doorway and settled on the bed in a line that divided the two sleeping men. When Josh woke, the line's bluntness had lessened with the natural light of dawn that was now creeping into the room. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes and opened them to the sight of Sam staring at him.
"Morning," Josh said with an unapologetic grin at having been discovered lying next to Sam.
Sam closed his eyes and a hint of a smile tugged at his lips. "Morning." He looked beyond Josh at the alarm clock on the bedside table. He made no protest at Josh's presence and so Josh remained where he was, wishing Sam was still asleep so he could go back to staring at him and working out ways to make Sam see he deserved another chance.
"Can I get you anything?" Sam shook his head. Josh was beginning to get slightly unnerved by the way Sam was staring at him. He had done the same to Sam but Sam had been dead to the world at the time. Safe in the knowledge that Sam wasn't about to kick him out of the bed, Josh made himself more comfortable. "What are you thinking?"
Sam closed his eyes again and scratched haphazardly at his scalp before settling once more. He placed his hand under the covers and smiled softly at the man lying on his side opposite him, mirroring him, returning his gaze. "I'm thinking I've woken up to find you in my bed, a place I vowed I'd never let you be again, and I'm thinking… I'm thinking that reason and logic are meaningless at five in the morning when you're scared shitless and staring into the eyes of your ex-lover."
Josh was taken aback by Sam's words. He had longed to hear some sort of sign that they still had a chance but this frank admission from Sam spoke more to Josh of how much Sam needed him than of any increase in his chances of getting Sam back. He reached out and placed his hand on Sam's face. "I know you're scared," he whispered but he could think of no other words to comfort Sam and so resorted to the banter that Sam had told him many times was an unsuccessful defence mechanism. "I don't know about reason and logic, but I'm having a few problems with self restraint right now."
A small bubble of laughter escaped Sam and he placed his hand over Josh's. "Are you going to take advantage of my vulnerable state?"
"Sam, as if I would even consider such a low move!" Josh looked suitably outraged before adding. "Unless of course you wanted to be taken advantage of?"
"Not tonight, Joshua," Sam said as he moved towards Josh and let the other man wrap his arms around him in a comforting hug. "Not tonight."