Kill Illpalatzo: Chapter Four
Showdown at the House of Blue Balls
Authors notes: The people who host bowling Musume from the bowling episode are named Susumu Shikiri and Shinoji Shinoba, yes I actually bothered to watch the episode again to find out what their names were , because I'm having them fill in the parts of Charlie Brown and that other ladies who were waiting on the crazy 88 in Kill Bill. And I didn't want to just refer to them as "those bowling people"
Excel began to narrate again as the scene went to a flashback "At the age of twenty Illpalatzo backed his canine progeny both financially and philosophically in her Shakespearian in magnitude power struggle with the other yakuza clans in who would rule vice in the city of Tokyo. When it was all over it was Menchi and her powerful posse , the 88 Balls & pin."
"The big man who looks like some sort of Robocop wannabe is Japans most ruthless bowler and Menchis General, Ballsbovski from hell. The pretty woman in the pink dress wearing a leash is Menchis lifelong friend, lawyer and translator, The Translator Girl. The little girl who looks like a sailor chibi moon imitation is Sailor Kojet, Menchis personal bodyguard, she may be young, but what she lacks in age she makes up for in madness."
Flashback to Sailor Kojet in a bar
Sailor Kojet was drunk sitting across from her was a man in a lab coat, this was Dr. Shioji who was also drunk.
"Hey....you wanna screw me don't you...." Sailor Kojet started
"I would be lying if I said no....I love little flat girls....I detest girls with large breasts" Sailor Kojet seemed to get annoyed and pulled out a tanto impaling him.
"I'm not flat! I'm a D-cup!" She wrenched out the tanto , blood and intestines spewing out of Shioji.
End flashback
Menchi sat at the end of a long expensive looking table. Sitting on either side of the table were various Yakuza bosses most of which looked like they were having a good time. These included bosses, Matsuya, Watanabe, Iwata, Sumiyoshi , Kabapu and the one who seemed determined to break the mood, Boss Rikudo!
"Just in case your wondering how a little white dog who looks like a little white cat became the boss of all criminal activity in Tokyo Japan, I'll tell you , the subject of Menchis species came up before the council only once. The night Menchi assumed power over the crime council."
Boss Rikudo stewed in his Sake and looked to have a headache. Boss Rikudo brought his hand down on his plate shattering it.
Boss Kabapu got so flustered by this action that his mustache fell off "Boss Rikudo what's the meaning of this outburst? This is a time for celebration!"
"What exactly am I supposed to be celebrating? I didn't approve any of this!"
The other Bosses started to get angry with Rikudo.
"Arf! Arf ! Arf!"
Menchis Translator girl: Gentlemen, boss Rikudo obviously has something on his mind, allow him to express It.!
Rikudo went on to explain "Look at how this fanfiction is using my characters! Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to make the will of the microcosm Vernitia Green? But what really doesn't make sense is Menchi as Oren, wouldn't Hyatt or even that secretary of Kabapus be a better choice? But Menchi of all people? She's a dog! Hell she isn't even very dog like, she's a dog that looks like a cat! How the hell is a dog that looks like a cat going to become the queen of the crime council, not even Watanabe would ever do something this deranged with my characters!"
Suddenly Rikudo heard the sound of little paws running across the table. Menchi came to a stop in front of him and whipped out that huge giant sword Excel used to kill Rikudo in the first episode of Excel saga.
"Uhoh..." Rikudo didn't have time to say anything more as his head was separated from his body in one fluid motion. A jet spray of blood shot into the air. Everyone reacted in horror backing away, except for Boss Watanabe who was wondering where Menchi got that huge sword from and why Boss Rikudos blood wasn't letting up and still shooting ten feet into the air. Menchi now had her snow-white coat of fur stained with red drop of blood, she turned to face the others.
Menchi started to talk "Arf! Arf! Arf Arf!"
Translator Girl: I'm going to say this in dog since that's the only language I know how to speak. As your leader I encourage you from time to time and always in a respectful manner, and with the complete knowledge that my decision is final to question my logic. If your unconvinced that a particular plan of action I have chosen is the wisest, tell me so. But allow me to convince you, and I promise you here and now that no subject will be taboo, except the subject that was just under discussion...also no ones allowed to ask why that jet spray of blood never runs out either.(menchi gestured to Rikudos body still spouting blood)
"Arf! Arf ! Arf! Arf ! Arf!" Menchi said picking up Boss Rikudos head in one paw, how she did this, or wield a sword for that matter with no fingers was a mystery, but no one dared to ask how she did it now..
"Does anyone else think it's strange that a dog can pick up someone head when they have no fingers?" Boss Watanabe was trying to make the other bosses see reason that these events were physically impossible , but they never did before and weren't about to start now. Menchi shot him a glare and he quickly shut up.
"Arf Arf Arf! ARF!ARF!ARF! ARF!!!"
Translator girl: The price you pay for bringing up the subject that was just under discussion is that I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here! Now if any of you sonsabitches got anything else to say, nows the fuckin time!
No one said anything
"Arf arf"
Translator girl: I didn't think so. Meeting adjourned.
End flashback of Menchis takeover
After receiving her fish from the ukulele guy Excel walked into the same airport carrying her usual arsenal with the addition of one special fish. "Tokyo, one way!"
Later
Excel got off the plane and , sure she had gotten here but she needed some wheels now. She spotted a man who looked suspiciously like the T-1000 riding along on a motorcycle. He drove up to Excel and took out a picture of a boy "Have seen this boy, his name is John Conner....."
"Say....that's a nice bike...." Excel said looking at the T-1000's motorcycle.
Later...
Riding the T-1000's motorcycle Excel rocketed through the streets of Tokyo Japan following her mark. Menchi hadn't been hard to find, her expensive black car followed by an entourage of bowling ninja's, each of which carried several bowling pins in the back of their motorcycles. Excel knew that these were no ordinary bowling pins each concealed a deadly weapon.
Excel came to a halt pulling up to a stop light, Menchi's car on the other side of the street, watching the car through the visor of her yellow motorcycle helmet Excel noticed Menchi's translator girl. She took out her phone dialing 0 to get the operator. Now Excel was real mad, she should have used 1-800 collect! Heads were going to role for that! Excel took off running the red light.
At the house of Blue Ball's , the most high-class bowling alley in Japan , bowling Musume was being filmed. Shinoji was busy giving Susumu an earful about what to do when the 88 Balls & pin got there "Listen, you know what happened to the Rikudo clan, they cut off their heads and used them as bowling balls!"
"B-But our shows ratings were so bad.... we needed some high profile guests instead of the usual bowling idols!"
"Bowling idols don't cut your head off and bowl with it if you make them mad!" Shinoji shouted at him at that moment Menchi and her entourage of bowling ninja's arrived along with Sailor Kojet and the translator girl. Menchi lead them as they walked in like they owned a place, looking as badass as a little white dog who looked like a cat was capable of looking.
As the passed the desk Menchi looked up and said "Arf Arf!"
"My Shoes" the translator girl said translating Menchis barks.
"My Shoes! My Shoes! My Shoes!" Menchi's bowling Ninja all said as they followed behind her.
When Excel arrived there was a Japanese band playing what sounded like surf music, why something like this was in a bowling alley was anyone's guess. "My shoes!" Excel said flashing the cool yellow badass looking shoes she was wearing. Excel looked around, this place was incredibly popular for a bowling alley, people were dancing and the place even had traditional Japanese paper windows. Just what kind of bowling alley was this? Excel spotted Menchi and her Ninja's with some sort of TV crew.
"Hello everyone, I'm Susumu Shikiri!"
"And I'm Shinoji Shinoba, together were the S-pair! Today it's a special episode of bowling Musume, bowling Yakuza!"
"Hey! We want a pizza!"
"And I want a kitten!"
Said several of the bowling Ninja's to Susumu and Shinoji.
"Uhh...were just the hosts of the show if you want those...."
Shinoji grabbed him by the ear "Do you want to get your head cut off? I don't care what they want just get it for them!"
"ArfArf!"
Translator Girl: I want some kibbles & bits!
Due to the outragous demands of Menchi & company they decided to take a break from filming Bowling Musume to go find a kitten, a pizza, some kibbles & bits and a life sized wax statue of Captain Kirk. While they were waiting, Menchi and the others went into a private room resembling the sort that you would find in a high class Japanese restaurant, except it also had a DDR machine in it for some reason. Menchi and the bowling Ninja's were playing DDR as Excel snuck around outside the door, Menchi was getting a perfect score on the DDR machine when suddenly a chill went down her spine. She hadn't felt this feeling since four years ago. Although Menchi held herself above her minions and commanded them with an iron paw she had one undeniable fear that she kept secret from everyone.....that one day....somehow...some way....she would come back to devour her, just as she had promised to do so long ago.
As the song ended, Menchi jumped into the air above the DDR Machine hurling a kunai through the paper windows in one fluid motion.
Outside the windows the kunai streaked past Excels nose embedding in a wooden support beam. Lucky for Excel, like most anime characters she had a very small nose that was difficult to hit.
Menchi turned to Sailor Kojet "Arf!"
Kojet nodded and opened the door looking around. Excel was nowhere to be seen. She went back in and closed the door. After doing so Excel squeezed her body back out of the breadbox she had hid in. She had learned that trick back when she had been training with Nabeshin.
Excel looked around and noticed Menchi's translator girl down on one of the lower levels. She seemed to be waiting for the pizza that those bowling Musume people were supposed to be getting for them. Now would be the time to make her move. Excel tailed the translator girl into the women's bathroom where she pulled out her telephone and dialed 0 again. That had done it, no one dialed 0 in front of Excel and got away with it! This bitch was going down now!
"Hey, are you the translator girl for Menchi of the 88 balls & pin?" Excel said tapping her on the shoulder. She turned around and was about to answer when Excel sent some brass knuckles straight into her nose with the force of a shotgun.
Meanwhile
Menchi and her bowling Ninja's were having a blast on the DDR machine. Susumu walked in with a pizza "Please don't cut off my head, but I couldn't find that life sized wax statue of captain Kirk anywhere!"
"AHAHA! It's no biggie we'll, just cut your finger off!" One of the Ninja's said
"No wait! I can pretend to be that captain Kirk statue just don't hurt me!"
"You know....you remind me of Charlie Brown..."
"But I'm not bald...."
"Well you are now!" One of the bowling ninja's pulled out a shaver while two of the others held him down.
"NOOOO! Not my sexy hair!"
"MEEEEEEEENNNNCCCHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The Ninja's froze, Menchi also froze and got that terrified Menchi look on her face, only one person could call her name in such a terrifying way! Menchi turned to Susumu "Arf! Arf....Arfarfarf!" he took Menchis advice and got out of there fast.
The bowling Ninja's threw open the door and Menchi walked out and looked down to see her translator girl with a bloody nose. Stepping out from behind her like a ghost from the past was Excel. "Menchi, you know I've always said that I was saving you as an emergency ration....I'm feeling pretty hungry right now, and I'm too broke from those plane tickets to buy any food....." Excel said looking up at Menchi with an insane hungry look on her face.
"Arfarf..." Menchi started to say but it was bleeped out before she could finish saying Excels name. Menchi remembered that even in what had seemed like her dying moments, Excel in one last hungered frenzy had tried to devour her.
Excel whipped out her fish, she twirled around in a flash of light as her clothes came off, her socks didn't so she had to push those off with her feet, but when the transformation finished she wore a costume similar to Puni Puni Poemi's except this one was yellow and black in the same pattern as the yellow track suit worn by Bruce Lee in "Game of Death" The fish elongated into a gleaming katana blade which Excel whipped around like lightning slicing off Translator Girls arm, the same arm she had used to dial her cell phone. "That's for not dialing 1-800 collect!"
Menchi turned to one of the bowling Ninja's "Arfarf!" he nodded in response back flipping down to the first floor and whipping out his bowling pin. He pulled the top of it off revealing a long katana blade and charged at Excel screaming a battle cry and swinging his blade down. Excel whirled the fish around parrying the blow and cutting his blade in half, a jet spray of blood shot out from the katana blade. The bowling ninja paused briefly to wonder how this was possible when Excel impaled him and in one swift motion used her fish to hurl him across the room where he crashed into a bunch of pins at the end of a bowling lane. It was a strike!
"ARF! ARF! ARF!" Menchi barked, the rest of the bowling Ninja's all leapt down to face Excel next drawing blades from their bowling pins. Excel shot foreword, her superior skills making short work of her opponents. Each of them dying with a huge jet spray of blood. Excel began to notice that there was an awful lot of blood around here, all these guys were still bleeding with no sign of it running out especially the translator girl, she'd better be careful it might get slippery in here. As Excel whipped the fish through the body of one of the attacking ninja's the last one pulled out a new pin, this one changed into a gun. He fired it, Excel whipped her fish around hitting the bullet with the flat of her blade sending it flying right into the fore head of the last bowling ninja.
"So any more flunkies for me to kill before I eat you?"
"Arf!"
"Just me! I'm sure you must have heard of my reputation....I've certainly heard of yours, your Excel...."
"Ummmm.....your Sailor Chibi moon right?" Kojet fell over
"No!"
"Uhhh....are you Takako Chigusa from Battle Royal?"
"Why the hell would I be Takako Chigusa? We don't even look like each other! I'm Sailor Kojet!"
"What an unfortunate sounding name...anyway I know you feel you need to protect your mistress, but it would be much more convenient for me if you just walked away....I mean if there's any more blood here, it'll get hard to walk. So I beg you...."
"Menchi told me that when begging you should role over so that people can pet your tummy!"
"What?!? I aint rolling over for anyone! Even if you do have a dog biscuit! Your going down!"
Sailor Kojet looked angry "Role over now!" She said dropping what appeared to be a bowling ball connected to a chain.
"But I really don't want to do that...."
"Bad dog!" She swung the bowling ball at Excel, it morphed into the same sort of killer bowling ball used by Ballsbovski in the bowling episode. Excel barely dodged as it whizzed past her head, the killer ball ripped apart a support beam behind her. Kojet yanked back, the ball came sailing back towards Excel who quickly rolled out of the way.
"Sit boy!"
"I'm not Inuyasha!" A nearby table was smashed to splinters. The ball sailed back into the hand of Kojet who caught it. She pressed a button and one of the razor sharp circular blades inside the killer ball shot out towards excel like some sort of deadly frisbee. Excel quickly moved her head to evade being hit but the blade grazed her cheek before being imbedded in the wall behind her. Kojet pressed another button, one of the other blades as well as several of the spikes on the ball shot out. Excel dodged the blade again and parried the two spikes with her fish. Kojet wasn't about to give Excel a break as she swung the killer ball back at her knocking the fish out of her hand. Whirling it back & forth with incredible speed Kojet charged at Excel before she had chance to get her fish back, swinging down like a wrecking ball it impacted on the floor as Excel rolled out of the way sending splinters of wood into the air. She had Excel cornered now, this fight would be hers! Kojet pressed another button shooting another spike from the ball, which lodged in Excels left hand. Excel winced in pain and tugged at her hand trying to dislodge it from the wall.
Kojet was winding up for the killing blow, she pressed the self destruct button, this attack had never failed her. She began to wind up and swung the ball into the air, as it began to sail towards Excel it opened up, a chibi Nabeshin came out of the ball and he was holding a bomb! Excel thought quickly and remembered a trick she had learned when training with Nabeshin. She reached into her hair with her free hand and pulled out a huge METAL BASEBALL BAT! As the killer ball sailed towards her, the bomb fuse getting ever shorter Excel slammed the metal bat into it sending it sailing back straight into at Sailor Kojet, right before it hit her the bomb exploded destroying the ball in the process sending the last circular cutting disk flying straight into her fore head. Kojet was only able to scream briefly. Several drops of blood ran down her face and from her tear ducts. She staggered as if severely drunk and then toppled like a marionette with its strings cut hitting the floor with a thud.
Excel wrenched the spike from her hand and walked over to her fish still lying on the ground picking it up, she also took the metal bat and stuck it back inside her hair. She walked over to see Menchi still looking down at her. "Mmmmmm....you look nice and fat Menchi...."
Suddenly Excel heard the sound of a whole lot of motorcycles and at least one 18-wheel Semi plowing through a space to small for it to fit.
"Arf Arf! Arf arf arf arf!"
"You know, for a moment there, yeah, I kind of did...."
"Arf arf arf...."
"Trix are for...."
"Arf!"
Menchi finished her sentence for her. Excel heard hundreds of footsteps pounding as dozens of bowling Ninja's poured into the room all of them wielding bowling pin weapons. They were lead by a large man who looked sort of like Robocop. Ballsbovski pulled out two bowling pins that connected together into a double-sided red light saber. Excel looked around her, she was completely surrounded by bowling ninja's. Like a pack of wild hyenas stalking a wilder beast they all slowly began to move in drawing their weapons. Excel faked a strike with her fish causing them to back off a bit. Then three of them struck drawing their pin blades, in one swift movement Excel bisected all three of them, sending their upper torso's flying through the air followed by three jets of blood and bits of internal organs. Another bowling ninja pulled out a pin pressing a button on it dozens of three inch long spikes came out. He hurled the pin at Excel who caught it in one hand and flung it back at him, one of the pin spikes lodging into his eye socket. Twirling his double light sabers Ballsbovski attacked Darth Maul style, Excel parried his strikes but she could tell he was better then these other guys. She ducked one of his strikes, the light saber hitting one of the other bowling ninjas burning him clean in half.
One of the other ninja's turned his pin into a grenade launcher and fired at Excel who brought her fish hitting it back at Ballsbovski, it exploded sending him flying through a wall. Another Bowling Ninja ran up with his sword ready to strike but before he could Excels hand shot out.
"Got your nose!" For some reason everything went black & white, the last time this happened she was shot and dropped through a trap door, she wasn't about to let that happen again. The man who she had pretended to steal the nose of was crying on the floor clutching his face.
"Jeez, it's just a trick, see it was my thumb...." he didn't seem to be listing still crying about his nose. Excel didn't have time to be concerned about this, more of them were attacking. Excel ducked a sword strike and sliced off someone's feet with her fish. She grabbed one of the severed feet and hurled it into the face of another oncoming attacker blinding him as she skewered him like an undercooked shish ka bob. As she removed her sword she kicked out on of his feet from behind using the inevitable jet spray of blood to her advantage as it shot into the faces of more oncoming bowling ninja's almost like a red smoke screen.
Excels fish extended its blade to its full length as she whipped her sword through her blinded attackers. Excel pulled the metal baseball bat out from inside her hair and slammed it into the face of another attacking ninja braking his jaw. Fish in one hand and metal bat in the other, Excel struck slicing and bashing her many attackers. She swung the metal bat hitting another ninja in the face, the sound of cracking bone permeating the room as he flew down another bowling lane knocking down all the pins. The ninja with the grenade launcher attacked next Excel swung the fish around cutting the grenade in half. she then hurled the bat at him hitting him right in the nose knocking him off his feet.
Excel leapt grabbing onto a bamboo pole flipping up to the second floor as more of them came charging at her. One of the bowling ninja's was already up there , he blew into the end of his pin, like Jade Fox's special blowgun from crouching tiger hidden dragon, dozens of poison needles began to shoot out of it. Excel moving her fish lightning fast parrying all the needles, catching one right before it hit her in the face she hurled it back at him striking him dead on in his most sensitive area. He screamed clutching his crotch area as he fell off the ledge.
About seven more bowling ninja ran up the stares facing her with their swords drawn. One of them had a light saber. For some reason it stopped being black & white and the lights went out. They attacked swinging their Katanas, Excel swung her fish around slicing off someone's head and cutting off some else's arm. Before the lights came back on she had killed six of the seven, the last guy left was the one with the light saber. He was petrified with the blade of energy shaking slightly. Excel swung the fish and chopped off the tip of his energy blade. The tip of the light saber dropped to the floor burning a hole in it. She swung it several more times , each time cutting off a bit more of the supposedly indestructible light saber blade until it was down to the hilt. He dropped it and began to run away but Excel grabbed him.
"Star wars geeks shouldn't fuck around with Yakuza! Now go home and wait for episode three!" With each word she had spanked him with her fish. Mortified and ashamed he ran away crying all the way back to the movie theater where he would wait for episode three.
Excel was about to go out again when suddenly the wall exploded, the red double sided bowling pin light sabers of Ballsbovski slicing apart everything in the room. Excel leapt over his attack landing on the railing. Ballsbovski followed, his huge armor clad form landing with enough force to shake the entire second floor. He separated his double light saber into two regular red light sabers. "Don't fuck with a star wars fan!" He began to attack with a flurry of blazing red slashes forcing Excel backwards parrying them all with her fish. He thrust one light saber foreword, the red energy blade burning through the support beam behind Excel, she ducked and brought her fish down slicing through his armor and both his legs. Ballsbovski screamed in pain, his huge armored body plummeting to the floor with a tremendous crash.
Excel then turned to face her fallen attackers. "Those of you lucky enough to still have your lives may take them with you! But leave any money or valuables you happen to be carrying behind, they belong to me now!" Hopefully this would be enough to pay for her plane trip out of Japan. "Except for you Translator girl! You stay right there!"
"Does that mean I can keep my money & valuables then?"
"No! Also five me that leash your wearing around your neck!"
"Why?"
"Just Because! Anyway I cut your arm off, I don't need a reason!"
All of Menchi's lackeys had been dealt with. All that was left was the top dog herself. When they had first met Excel had told Menchi that someday , when she needed to she would eat her, it was time to make good on that promise. Excel walked out to the back of the bowling alley expecting to find the typical sort of alley you would expect to find behind a bowling alley, but instead there was a traditional Japanese garden covered in snow as white as Menchi's fur. The only thing that looked out of place was a snowman with a carrot for a nose off tot he side of the garden. In the middle of the courtyard Menchi sat waiting, the white snow falling on her equally white fur
"Arf, Arf Arf arf arf?"
"Okinawa" Excel answered
"Arf Arf?"
"This is the Ukulele guys fish."
"ARF ARF!"
Excel turned the fish to show the disbelieving Menchi the carving of the lioness of the fish's head as it elongated into a long blade.
"Arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf!" Menchi had a point, she had used up quite allot of energy fighting her lackeys. She'd have to be careful in this fight, Menchi may have been a little dog who looked like a little cat, but she was one of Illpalatzo's top assassins, she was no slouch with a sword and the best dog Excel had ever seen use a mini gun.
Excel took a step foreword getting into a battle stance holding her fish ready to strike. Menchi reached behind her back and pulled out the same huge sword she had used on Rikudo in the previous chapter. Menchi also assumed a battle stance. The two of them slowly began to circle each other looking for a weakness in the others stance. Menchi was the first to move taking advantage of her small size aiming to take out Excels legs. Excel leapt over Menchi's strike landing behind her, she was about to bring her fish down , when Menchi using her other hand whipped out a huge mini gun from seemingly nowhere. Excel dodged as Menchi let loose a hale of armor piercing shells which completely demolished the snowman and several trees. Excel dodging and parrying the blasts began to move in for the kill. When she got close enough she swung her fish again. Menchi parried with her huge sword knocking Excel back. Excel not giving Menchi a chance to use the mini gun again rebounded back on Menchi slashing, Menchi blocked with the mini gun which was instantly cut in half. Menchi discarded the huge weapon tossing it aside and began to go on the offensive attacking Excel with her huge sword while taking advantage of her small size to avoid Excels attacks. Excel leapt over another one of Menchi's attacks , but she didn't turn around in time to attack. Menchi struck first slashing her across the back. Excel fell to the ground in pain, she couldn't die like this, not after all that had happened.
"Arf arf arf, arfarfarf arf arf.....ARf arf arf..."
Menchi's words stung as much as the sword wound, she had to get up. Excel stood and attacked again meeting Menchi blow for blow. With one swift motion she cut off the end of Menchi's tail, red blood staining her snow-white fur.
Menchi backed off a bit "Arf arf....arf arf arf...."
breathing heavily Excel said "Accepted....."
As the two of them got their bearings they both prepared to attack again.
"Ready?"
"Arf!"
The two of them clashed again, Menchi ran behind a fence with Excel on the other side following, as soon as they reached the other end they clashed again. Excel broke through Menchi's defenses and a pair of white ears flew across the courtyard landing in the snow.
"Arf, arf arf arf .....arf arf arf arf....."
Subtitle: If you're going to eat me do it quickly..... before this flesh becomes too tough....
Menchi's sword fell to the snow as Menchi dropped to her knees and then toppled over falling into the snow.
Exhausted from battle Excel sat down on a snow covered wooden bench.
Later
Menchi's translator girl sat in the hospital. Behind her stood Illpalatzo "My dear Translator girl....look what she's done to you!"
"I'm sorry for my betrayal....."
"Don't worry about that, I'm only sorry for what she's done to my beautiful brilliant....what was your name again? It is rather a hassle to just refer to you as the Translator girl."
"My name is (bleep)"
"How annoying, I really wish they would stop bleeping out peoples names, anyway if you had to guess why she left you alive what would be your guess?"
"Guessing won't be necessary, she informed me."
Flashback
"I'll allow you to keep your wicked life for three reasons. One, I want information on Illpalatzo and the other assassins. Two I want you to tell him in person everything that happened here tonight. I want him to witness the extent of my mercy by seeing your deformed body! I want him to know, I want them all to know that they will soon be as dead, and possibly as well cooked as Menchi! And thirdly, I know with all that blood you have, you'd leave a lot of stains in my trunk...."
The Translator girl speaking in dog began to insult Excel "Arf Arf Arf!"
"If your going to speak in dog I'll have to get you fixed!" Excel said pulling out her veterinary kit.
"Wait! I'll talk! Just don't have me fixed!"
End Flashback
Meanwhile
Excel sat down by the window with her fish. Behind her a man with an anti tank gun and a women with a battle ax were playing cards. She remembered the words of the Ukulele guy.
"Revenge is never a straight line, and often times it is best served with pinto beans & muffins."
She crossed off the first name on her "Death list five"
"What's that list?" asked the person sitting across from her.
"Oh just some things I need to pick up at the grocery store when I get home." She went down the list remembering her adversarys.
Somewhere in the southwest of America by a crappy trailer
A Puchu wearing a cute cowboy hat suddenly switched from cute to Manly puchu mode "That women deserves her revenge....and we...we deserve to die."
Somewhere else
Kobayashi dialed 0 on her cell phone and then said "She must suffer to her last breath!"
"Uhhh....I don't know what your talking about I'm the operator....."
"Oh sorry, can you connect me to Puchu Budd's number?"
Lastly she remembered Illpalatzo
"How did you find me?"
"I'm the man...."
"You know dumb pick up lines like that were one of the reasons I left you for Key."
Excel was shaken from her flashback as someone said "Wow that's a really cute hat!"
It was Sakaki, Chiyo and Tomo from Azumanga Daioh.
"Where can I get a cute hat like that?" Sakaki asked.
"Well, you see it's like this..." Excel started. After Excel finished telling them where the cute dog ear hat came from Sakaki had fainted, Chiyo looked severely traumatized and Tomo was laughing.
Back at the hospital
"One more thing, does Excel know that her daughter is still alive?"
To be continued in Kill Illpalatzo Vol 2