Chapter Ten

'Reasons why we should get back together' Josh wrote as carefully, trying not to nudge Sam who was still asleep, his head on Josh's chest. 'Number one- your CD collection needs me. Number two- I can sleep with you next to me without taking advantage of your vulnerable state.' Josh chewed the pencil thoughtfully and added number three: 'I was a jackass for letting you go in the first place and know that now and that makes me humble and you always said I should try being more humble!' Josh sighed and glanced at the clock. He didn't know what the plan was except that Toby had told him not to do anything until he had called. Josh was glad Toby had taken charge. He couldn't think straight anymore and he was certainly beyond being able to spin and strategise an event that still made him feel sick when he thought about it.

Carefully, Josh inched out from under Sam and went into the kitchen. His cell phone was on the floor by the CDs where he had left it last night and it started to ring as Josh walked by it. He scooped down to pick it up and perched on the arm of the sofa. He listened without comment as Toby told him what he and CJ had decided. He agreed that he would wait for Donna to arrive and then leave and head into work. Sam would follow an hour later and they would tell him what they had decided to do then.

"Oh my God, I thought you were kidding but you really did sort my CDs into chronological relationship order!"

Josh jumped at the sound of Sam's voice and looked around the doorjamb into the living room to see him staring in horror at the neat line of jewel cases. "You need to do something about that!" Sam said pointing at the discs as if they were a dormant monster. He walked tentatively towards them and peered down seemingly surprised that he recognised them as belonging to him. "Yeah, that's not the actions of a severely disturbed man at all." He looked up at Josh and raised his eyebrow.

"Have a shower. I'm gonna wait for Donna and then go to work where people appreciate my ability to order inanimate objects and categorise them according to relationship events. Last week I showed Donna how the pencils in my drawer were all-" The sound of the bathroom door closing made Josh pause, "they were all related to various milestones in the history of the administration is what they were," he finished to the empty room.

Sam didn't argue about the need for Donna to come and baby-sit him and drive him into work. He knew the ramifications of what had happened and he knew that until he had talked to Toby and Leo he had no choice but to play along with whatever strategy they had put in place. He wondered what Donna had been told and how much she already knew. He noticed her glancing up and down the road before getting into the car and decided she probably knew more than he did at the moment. He was still thinking about how much Donna knew, who Toby had told and just how furious CJ was going to be when he looked up and realised the car had reached the White House and Donna was waiting for him to move. They had spoken little on the way in and Sam was surprised when Donna leant over and kissed him on the cheek before opening the door and leading the way to Toby's office.

The sound of a rubber ball smashing into the doorframe clued Sam into what the mood was like in the room. "You set it up and now you're asking what I think!" Toby shouting was not unusual but the fact that he was shouting at CJ made Sam feel relieved that Donna had paused before knocking on the door.

"We could go to the Mess, have a coffee, come back when Toby's calmed down. Tuesday's good for me," Sam suggested.

Donna gave him a sympathetic look before knocking and opening the door to reveal CJ glaring at Toby, Toby returning the glare and Josh retrieving a rogue ball from behind the desk.

"Has something happened?" Sam asked and despite the tense atmosphere, Josh couldn't help but smile at Sam's bogus enquiry.

CJ turned and glanced at Sam before turning once more to Toby. "The police officer knows, the man who was on the street below knows, Sam's neighbours know. We can't afford to cover this up only to have it come out later!"

"What do they know?" Toby asked as he stood up and walked back to sit behind his desk. "We can't be sure they know anything. The officers won't disclose what happened. It's unlikely that a man on the street had the first idea who he was looking at. The neighbours heard a noise but they don't know what happened. The only people who really know what happened are me, Sam, Josh and the doctors and we should keep it that way."

While Toby was speaking, Josh caught Sam's eye and nodded to the sofa. Sam sat down and Josh joined him, playing with the ball that he had picked up but not replaced on Toby's desk.

CJ remained standing. Sam noticed her fingers were tapping repeatedly against the side of the folder she held. He sent Toby a questioning glance.

Toby sighed deeply and then turned his full attention to Sam. "CJ thinks we should make an announcement about last night. She thinks getting what happened into the open and making a statement would be-"

"No way!" Sam jumped to his feet, the volume of his emphatic outburst made CJ jump. "There's no way, no way, that's going to happen!"

"Sam, you have to be reasonable and consider what it would mean if we tried to hide this and then later on-"

"This?" Sam turned towards CJ his hands on his hips.

"Here we go," Josh mumbled.

"This? What exactly is it that we're hiding? By 'this' I suppose you mean the fact that I tried to kill myself last night or is there something else you think we shouldn't hide?"

CJ walked closer to Sam, unfazed by his confrontational stance. "I think we should explain what you are suffering from. I think we should tell people what happened because if we continue to cover up what's wrong with you, eventually-" she held up her hand when Sam tried to interrupt, "eventually someone will make a story of it and when they do, the fact that we covered it up will make it appear much worse than it is. Apart from the obvious ramifications for you, can you imagine the coverage a suicidal Senior Staffer would get-"

"That's the last time anyone in this building is going to use the word suicidal!" Toby stood up and walked over to Sam. "He's not suicidal and every time someone says it, I can almost hear the press corps sharpening their pencils from here!"

"You're not seeing this objectively, you and Josh, you're so busy covering up for Sam that you've lost sight of the bigger picture and you're doing Sam a disservice if you continue to cover for him."

"Oh this is just…" Sam's hand slamming against the wall made everyone start. "I don't care about the picture bigger, whatever the hell that means and I'll tell you something else, I've got no intention of becoming a poster boy for Cluster sufferers and that's all that would happen if you make this public. I don't know who saw what last night but if you make a statement saying what happened it's an absolute given that they'll come forward with their version. You're as good as inviting them to do it.

If Toby or The President tells me that I'm not doing my job then you can make your statement but until then it's not an option. If you do this, CJ, don't expect me to support it."

Josh stared at his friends who were staring at each other. He knew CJ cared for Sam as much as anyone else in the room but he also knew that she was looking at the situation as the press secretary now and Josh admired her for it and knew to a certain extent she was right to chastise him and Toby for not doing the same. Josh waited until the tension in the room had lessened slightly and then stood. "You're not making a statement, CJ. Cancel any arrangements you've made. Sam has a condition that he's being treated for and that will eventually be controlled with the right drugs."

CJ opened her mouth to speak but then closed it and nodded. Josh rarely pulled rank but when he did there was no point in even attempting to continue the discussion. She glanced at Sam but he was staring studiously at the floor and so she left the office without another word.

There was a lot of nodding going on, Sam decided as he watched Toby nod at Josh and Josh return the gesture, a lot of nodding and a lot of spinning. Sam decided the floor probably shouldn't be spinning and so sat down on it. Josh mirrored the action by slumping onto the sofa and Toby completed the act by sitting heavily in his chair. "She had a point," Josh said as he laid his head back and closed his eyes.

"The floor's still spinning," Sam commented.

"CJ could have spun it if we've let her," Toby added.

"I mean, literally going round in circles," Sam explained.

"I know how it feels," Josh said and placed his feet on the coffee table.

The three men, still recovering from the night before, were granted thirty minutes of peace before the phone rang for Toby, Donna arrived to tell Josh to see Leo and Ginger came to hand a message to Sam.

The neighbours below Sam were fighting, Sam and Josh were on the sofa listening to the muted sounds of anger and flying crockery.

"Wow, they're really going for it!" Josh exclaimed. "We never fought like that."

Sam shrugged. "Maybe we should have."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, maybe if we'd had fights and aired a few issues, we wouldn't have been so totally clueless about what the other wanted."

Josh considered this for a moment as he opened and then munched on a pistachio. "Maybe," he conceded, "or maybe we just didn't have that many issues that needed airing."

Sam snorted. Josh knew that wouldn't be Sam's only response and if he waited the snort would be elaborated upon.

"If we didn't have any issues then how come asking you to move in with me was a total shock to you?"

Josh put down an unopened pistachio and scooted round to face Sam. "Oh, that issue." Over the past few days, Josh had felt increasingly optimistic that there might still be a chance that Sam would consider another go but he also knew that chance would only come if they discussed a subject that both of them had managed to avoid for the past three years. "You're waiting for me to say something sincere and profound, aren't you?" Josh asked.

"Sincere and profound, I'd be in for a long wait!"

Josh ignored Sam's sarcastic reply and let Sam take him back to the night they had won the election, the night all their work had paid off and hopes were realised and the night their relationship fell apart.

"Are you hiding?"

Sam was startled by CJ's sudden appearance. He had noticed over the past few months that she had a habit of appearing out of nowhere and usually when he was doing something wrong.

"I'm just taking it all in," Sam replied. He knew he had a stupid grin on his face. He had been wearing it since it had become clear that the exit polls were going their way. He was waiting for the Illinois primary to be called and wanted to be with Josh when it was but he couldn't see him.

"Yeah, poochey, it's a lot to take in." CJ sipped at a drink and looked at Josh and Abbey who were deep in discussion.

"Poochey?"

CJ nodded in agreement. "I'll think of something better. Give me time."

Sam smiled and returned his attention to Josh. He would celebrate here with his colleagues who were fast becoming friends and then take Josh away to his place for their own private celebration. He had already experienced enough long hours to know that they would be returning to the campaign headquarters before the night was through but he needed to have some time alone with the man who had got him here. He needed to affirm to himself that this next chapter of their lives would be one that they experienced together.

Finally, Sam caught Josh's eye and moved over to him. CJ finished her drink and placed the glass down. She had suspected Sam and Josh where involved the minute she'd met them and when Toby had told her what Sam had given up based on a nod from Josh, her suspicions were confirmed. She sensed Sam wanted to be alone with Josh and smiled as she realised that Josh was too wrapped up in the events of the night to realise.

As soon as she had gone Sam moved closer to Josh and snagged the cuff of his jacket. "Listen, how about we sneak off later? I know we won't have long but I-"

"Leo!" Josh pulled away from Sam as Leo walked towards them.

"You need to make sure he's ready, Leo, cos it's getting a little late for a change of heart."

Sam stood by and watched as Josh's attention, which had never really been on him, turned back to Bartlet.

Leo smiled, shook his head and placed his hand on Josh's shoulder. "You know what, Josh, you worry too much. You won't last a year if you keep this up."

Someone else called Leo's name and he hurried off. Josh turned back to Sam. "What were you saying?"

"I was just asking you if we can get some time together tonight. I know we won't have long but just an hour together would be great. I've got some things I want to tell you and it's probably better if we're alone when I do." Sam sent Josh a look that if CJ had seen would have left no room for any doubt. "So, if we can, let's sneak off."

"Who's sneaking off?" Toby asked appearing between Sam and Josh and making both of them jump.

"No one, Sam was just saying I should-"

"Josh is sneaking off and he won't say who with," Toby informed CJ who had come to join them.

"I'm not sneaking. Lyman's don't sneak they move…stealthily…and…"

"Have you finished?" Toby asked.

"Yeah," Josh sighed.

"So are you sneaking off with someone or not?" CJ asked.

Josh glanced at Sam and then at Donna who was standing talking to a campaign worker whose name he knew but who he had spoken to only a few times. "With Sarah Rine, I was going to try sneak off with Sarah Rine."

Sam shot him a look which everyone but CJ missed.

"If that had been it, Josh, if you'd left it there we'd have been alright, you know? It would have meant nothing." Sam stood up and walked over to pour himself a drink. "It would have meant nothing and we'd have been fine. I'm not going to go over that again, I'm not going there…except to say, we wouldn't have been fine, not really because you wanted me but you wanted the White House more and that's fine, I can see why you would, I mean it's a great place and I'm not denying this is a once in a lifetime experience that we'll never get even close to again but for me, you and me, we were bigger than the White House." Sam spun round and Josh watched a drip of bourbon spill out of his glass and onto the carpet. "Not that I would have it any other way, knowing what I know now but I don't see, I don't understand, what I fail to comprehend is why we couldn't have had both. We could have done everything we've done and stayed together but you chose not to. I wasn't the one that made a play for Sarah Rine in front of everyone when what you could have done is said, 'I'm not sneaking off with anyone and even if I am it's none of your business' or, and there was a time when I thought this would be a possibility, you could have said, 'I'm sneaking off with Sam because he's my partner and we're going to sneak off now and then we'll be back when we're done sneaking and by the way, it's none of your business!' I wasn't the one that went rushing off without talking to-"

"Sam," Josh could take most of what Sam was saying but he felt he had to defend himself on that point, "my dad had just died, I had to go rushing off to his funeral."

"Well, yes, that's…yes that's a fair point. But, actually, that's not a fair point! You didn't tell me you were going, you didn't even say goodbye. You didn't answer my calls, you shut me out completely and I didn't know if that was because you were grieving or because you'd realised I wasn't as important as your job or that you'd realised Sarah Rine actually wasn't such a bad prospect after all. Then, when you came back we didn't get a chance to turn around let alone talk. The first few weeks of being in office were hell and we were all…I'm saying we never got a chance to talk and then the next thing you did was to spend the Inaugural Ball chasing, wooing and dancing with Sarah Rine making very sure that I witnessed every swagger, smile and out of time step on the dance floor."

Josh continued to stare at Sam the word, wooing, going round and round in his mind. He thought that it was a funny word to use, almost obsolete, and couldn't seem to shift that notion from his mind. He watched as Sam started to pace, still holding the now empty glass by his side. Josh closed his mouth, determined not to say a word because he knew for sure if he spoke the words, 'Jesus, Sam, you drive me fucking wild when you get like this', would leave his lips and he had a feeling Sam wouldn't be too responsive to that sort of comment at the moment.

"You couldn't have just told me? I mean, it was too much for you, the big political operative, to come see me and tell me to my face that we were through? I had to work it out from the oh so subtle clues like you not talking to me for four weeks or sending Donna over to my place to pick up your tux or sending the key to my apartment back to me through the internal mail!" Sam had stopped pacing and had walked behind a chair and placed both hands on its back. The glass was gone but Josh hadn't noticed Sam putting it down. "And now, now I get the feeling I'm supposed to just forget all of that and let you come back into my life because you think I need you and you think that you being here now makes up for all of that, well it doesn't. I've needed you before now, plenty of times and you were down the hallway from me but you weren't there. Jesus, it seems I really do have to bang my head against a wall to get your attention! You left me, Josh. The first time we left each other but the second time you left me and don't make the mistake of thinking I'm willing to put myself in the way of that amount of hurt again because I am so not! And another thing-"

"What!" Josh shouted back finally no longer able to take Sam's tirade. He stood, arms folded and waited for the continuation of the rant.

"I really don't feel too good," Sam admitted. Josh was at his side in an instant, guiding him towards the bedroom, asking him what he could get him.

"Sorry- it's probably all the excitement of last night catching up with me."

"Excitement? There are many words I could use to describe what happened last night but exciting isn't one of them!" Josh steered Sam towards the bed and pulled back the comforter. "Terrifying would be nearer the mark."

Sam lay down and didn't comment when Josh lay down beside him. "I'll just stay here for a while," he explained, "until you fall asleep. I think you should know I've locked your bay windows and buried the key in one of your plants."

Sam smiled and closed his eyes. He was exhausted but was glad to find he had stopped shaking and the floor had stopped zooming up towards him. There was silence for a while. The only sound that disturbed it was the ticking of a clock. Josh started to rise from the bed but then changed his mind and turned back to Sam. He laid his head close to Sam's and waited for him to open his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"It's not enough."

"I know."

Josh concentrated on the ticking and counted. He lay next to Sam for the fifty-four seconds that it took him to fall asleep then he rose from the bed, grabbed a blanket and slipped into the armchair at the end of it. Still close to Sam, still in sight of him but nowhere near as close as he longed to be and feared never would be again.