Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue. Easy as that.
Chapter Twenty One- Slave to Your Emotions
Exhaling deeply, Tootie gazes at him, gawking at her. Before either of them knows it, a wide grin spreads across his face and he jumps to hug her. Unfortunately, her oxygen tube gets in the way, and she nearly chokes on it.
"Don't think I really need that anymore…unless you were planning to wake me only to strangle me with my own damn cord?" Tootie teases weakly, secretly enjoying the embrace, even though she finds it increasingly difficult to breathe. For once, she's on the receiving end of a glomp…and it's not as much fun as she thought it would be.
"Sorry…" He mutters sheepishly, quickly shoving the cord aside. However, he does not let up on the pressure; she wonders if her ribs are going to end up bruised at this rate. Nevertheless, she says naught a word- it's nice to receive affection instead of dealing it out.
They sit in a comfortable silence, only speaking once in a while to confirm that Tootie hasn't fallen asleep again. It's a pressing concern of his, to make sure he doesn't lose her. Never before has she known another to return her affections or even the possibility of it- the idea fills her with a giddy sense of wonder and an overwhelming desire to get out of the hospital.
But she's not well enough yet and she knows it. It'll take a while for her stomach to return to its normal state, whatever that is with the years of on and off starvation and mistreatment. She might never retain a normal weight- right now, she's about twenty pounds underweight, her ribs more than showing, they're practically protruding. Wanda, when she'd healed her, had returned to her the chest she'd have normally, otherwise she'd be a pile of bones.
Which is, partly, what she feels like right now. Despite Timmy's urging and bringing her back from the brink of death, her self-esteem is non-existent. Hell, if she didn't have the confidence in herself to believe in life, why would she think of herself as pretty or having anything to offer anyone?
But she doesn't voice this. Timmy would no doubt empathetically correct her, his eyes narrowed in slits at the mere suggestion she found herself extremely unattractive. Right now, he sits on her bed and runs his hands through her hair, making her shiver in pleasure.
She'd never think Timmy would essentially leave Trixie for her. In fact, if she were to place a bet on that, the odds would have been better to be struck by lightning. She isn't as gorgeous as Trixie (nor is she gay, but that's a different matter, considering Timmy ignored that for about four years!), she isn't as poised…she's never had any real experience with anything. All she knows is the life of a slave, and that isn't exactly a marketable skill, is it?
"What's the matter?" Timmy inquires gently, kissing her lightly on the cheek. "You look awfully glum."
He can read my facial expressions…wonderful. Now I remember why I kept people from looking me in the eye before- damn betraying eyes. I don't want people to know what I'm thinking at all. It brings them pain…
I wanted to protect him so badly from the truth, but when he found out, I wasn't there for him. I couldn't be, Vicky barred me from school. Although, even if I had…would he have listened?
I still want to protect him, to some degree. I don't want him to know every little horror that Ricky did to me, everything Vicky put me through. He doesn't need to know the burden I carry…
I'm alive because I want to try to have a relationship with him, because he claims he loves me. But that doesn't mean I'm an open book. I'd rather keep my pain to myself, where it will only hurt me, not the person I love.
Scowling, Timmy says softly, "Penny for your thoughts, Tootie. Don't keep me out in the cold."
"It's nothing…" Tootie murmurs, turning her head. Of course, he seizes it in his palms and returns it to his eye level. Nevertheless, she won't meet his eyes at all.
"It's not nothing. You're hiding something from me and I know it." Timmy snaps, feeling anger surge. Hiding things reminds him of Trixie, which reminds him of the wasted years and his stupidity. How could he have not seen she was gay? Then again, there was the ancient proverb- 'there are none so blind as those who will not see'.
Her past…she doesn't want me to know about it. That has to be it, because I know she loves me. And she has to be straight, because if she isn't, I swear to God…
"I'm not gay, Timmy," Tootie says with the barest of smiles. "If that's what you're worried about."
"I don't think, strangely enough, that's why you look like you're on the verge of tears," He replies, cupping her chin in his palm and leaning forward. Breathing hard, she shuts her eyes and prays to whomever might be listening that he kiss her. After all, it's not exactly fun to have your first kiss…while you're unconscious.
Unbidden, a tear escapes anyway and slides down her cheek. Soon, it's followed by another and another. Before she knows it, she's broken down completely.
Perplexed, Timmy releases her chin and backs off. This, of course, is the exact opposite of what she wanted, but if he wants to do this, she shall say nothing. Whatever he wants, not whatever she wants. She'd forgotten that.
"I'm sorry…is it me?" Timmy wonders aloud, causing her to shake her head violently. By now, her chest heaves with sobs and she cannot speak. Instead, she reaches for him blindly, her desires and her 'teachings' in conflict.
Another thought strikes her- not only are her desires and what Vicky beat in her at play, but so is the concept of achieving happiness. Happiness is Timmy, from the little she knows, and although she has him, he doesn't really have her. By holding back her information, she's holding back a part of herself, which he might not like…
"Tootie…" Timmy breathes, at a loss. She isn't saying anything at all and her reactions distress him. She's barely been awake for a half hour and now she's bawling her eyes out? What's going on?
There's a bang at the door; the second worst possible person to waltz in there does, as if on an ominous cue. A.J., arms folded across his chest, glowers at Timmy and gazes sympathetically at Tootie. If anything, this also makes matters worse for her, because if she were on the brink of telling her love anything, adding A.J. will render that nearly impossible.
"You awoke her only to break her heart?!" A.J. roars, fists clenched. Tootie shakes her head violently again, but he's not paying attention. Typical- start a fight over a girl, and then ignore her while you're technically fighting for her.
"I don't know why she's crying!" Timmy snaps, rising. "She won't tell me! She won't even look me in the eyes!"
"Well, maybe you started something with her and you scared her! Did you ever think of that? Huh, pink hat?" A.J. sneers, blood thundering his ears. For days, this fight has brewed and he's about ready to start. Naturally, he won't throw the first punch, but he'll certain finish it and him.
"Don't insult my hat!" Timmy retorts, causing Tootie to mentally slap a hand to her forehead. It looks like they're not going to fight over me, but over a stupid hat! I mean, it's cute because it's Timmy's…like everything's cute about him…uh, what was my point?
"She's already so scarred from what Vicky and Ricky put her through, do you really want to risk unhinging her?" A.J. hisses, stepping in front of the bed. Timmy pivots and faces him. Well, at least if they're going to fight, they picked a good place.
"I know she was a slave, okay? But I don't really think it's me that's bothering her! If anything, it's you!" Timmy snaps, fists balled.
"Me?! I wasn't the one who knew she was in trouble but decided to ignore it only to screw around with my girlfriend, was I? I didn't stand around and do nothing while the girl that loved me who happened to live down the street slowly died thanks to her sibling! If anything, her situation is all your fault!"
"My fault?! I was there to save her-"
"If you'd come a minute later, you'd have been too late, wise guy! No wonder you can't get your grades up, you're not smart enough to have common sense! When a person's in danger, you help them, instead of lusting after someone who doesn't give a damn about you!"
"Shut up about Trixie!" Timmy thunders, poised to punch his best friend in the jaw.
"Why don't you both shut the hell up?!" Tootie screams, and both turn in her direction. They'd gotten so heated, they'd forgotten she was there.
"For the love of God, this isn't about either of you! The world doesn't revolve around you two!" She snaps, folding her arms across her chest and glowering at the teenage boys.
"Did you guys think that maybe, just maybe, I might be crying because I'm afraid I'm not good enough for Timmy?" She blurts, then gasps. No…why did she say that? Why is it she's having trouble keeping her mouth shut as of late?
Slowly, everything else she'd striven to keep under burst like a dam.
"That maybe…I'm afraid to tell Timmy what happened to me because I don't want to hurt him? That I want to make everyone happy…including myself? And I don't know how to do that…"
"Tootie…" Both boys breathe in unison, rushing to her side. She blinks back any tears forthcoming and shakes her head again.
"Stop fighting over me like I'm some prize to be won. I'd go with one of you if it was only one of you who wanted me, regardless of how I feel…but I really don't want to hear you argue. I'm not worth it." Sighing, she rolls over on the bed and gazes up at the ceiling.
Before either boy can raise an objection, the security guards walk in and give them the evil eye. After Vicky, they will have to explain why exactly they were about to have a fight in front of a patient who is already dangerously unwell.
--
(With the nice people in security)
Tootie woke up. She knows this, and, bitterly, she regrets it. Timmy's in there now, making everything 'all right'. But nothing will be all right, not as long as she's around.
She doesn't know what it is about Tootie she dislikes, but whatever it is, it sends her to the brink of utmost fury and hatred. The girl literally makes her sick. She's just a brat, damn it!
Sullen, Vicky gazes out the window of hospital security. Ricky's abandoned her, big surprise there. He never loved her, no one ever did. She's beyond it, beyond caring as well. They can all go to hell.
Dimly, she understands Timmy might coerce Tootie into pressing charges against her, but she doesn't think that'll happen. Tootie has to be terrified of her and no matter what the twerp might say to try to change that, nothing will happen. She'd always invoke fear in the hearts of the weak.
They drone on and on, but she pays little attention. Briefly, she wonders what it was that brought her to this moment in time, where she nearly killed her sister twice. When did she cross the line?
Unbidden, her mind carries forth an alternate series of events, events that both make her shudder and salivate. She can't fathom this either, but she doesn't want to. She wants to shove it in the far back of her mind, before she retches. She's normal, damn it!
"If you come back again, we'll file criminal charges," They finish and she barely restrains herself from rolling her eyes. Like the police have ever fazed her before. Honestly, don't they know with whom they're dealing?
I'll show them. No one ever screws around with me and lives to see the next day. No one- including that twerp.
And I'll make that brat pay if it's the last thing I do...I'll mark her as mine...because no one else deserves her.