Chapter Two: Loss and Desire

Opportunity found me one afternoon in Hogsmeade. Autumn had descended in glorious red and gold, as if the countryside surrounding Hogwarts had put on Gryffindor colors in anticipation of the first quidditch match coming up next week. Saturday turned so warm that I left my heavy robes behind and wrapped a shawl around my shoulders to head down from the castle to visit the neighboring wizarding village. Having found the herb shop first off, I purchased a packet of horehound and slippery elm to sooth my throat whenever it got tired during classes. A pile of leaflets was sitting by the till, so I picked one up and saw that it listed all the most important sights in Hogsmeade for the discriminating tourist. I had the whole day to myself, and a nice bit of walking sounded just the thing.

Much of the leaflet turned out to be a listing of shops, not surprising since I read on the back in small print that the local merchants association had produced it, but one item caught my eye: the Shrieking Shack. I located the shack on the leaflet's map and set out at a brisk pace. The place stood a small ways outside the village, on top of a hill. 'Stood' wasn't really accurate: it slumped miserably, a forlorn building whose decay seemed to extend to the sickly clumps of grass and bushes that surrounded it. As I drew near, I saw a familiar figure leaning against the fence surrounding the shack. It was probably the influence of the shack, but I had a sense of overwhelming loneliness as I looked at him.

"Hello!" I waved.

Lupin startled and turned around. "Oh, hello." He had acquired a red and gold muffler that looked suspiciously like the one Minerva had been knitting. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

I brandished the leaflet. "The tourist thing, I'm afraid." I unfolded it and read out, "The Shrieking Shack is the most haunted building in Britain. Even most ghosts avoid it due to the incredible cries and sounds of destruction that echo from it at night, especially around the full moon. Visitors are discouraged from trying to gain entry as it is has been sealed for your own protection." I squinted at the boarded up windows, the bolted door, and chained garden gate and shuddered. "I assume there are magical barriers as well."

"Yes. Dumbledore personally made sure that whatever is haunting that thing can't get out." He nodded at the shack. "And that curiosity won't kill the errant Hogwart's student."

I leaned against the fence next to him, focused on the building. We were silent together, comfortably so, though he was still pensive. After awhile, I said, "That's funny. This place is shabby enough, but it doesn't look that old, does it? The architecture, I mean. I thought it usually takes awhile for a place to acquire a number of ghosts. Look at Hogwarts: it's hard to imagine a building more haunted than that."

"It's something of a local mystery," he admitted.

"A mystery awaiting a brilliant Defense Against the Dark Arts professor to come and solve it; is that why you're here?"

Lupin laughed, "Good lord, no," and grew serious. "Besides, some mysteries are better left unsolved." He turned sideways to rest on his elbow so he was facing me and studied me until I felt warmth creeping up my neck.

I cleared my throat, nervously. "Having such an object of interest just off the school grounds must have led to any number of capers over the years."

"I imagine so."

"You went to Hogwarts, didn't you? Don't you recall anything from your salad days?"

He tried to hide a smile. "Nothing I want to admit to." He seemed to shuffle off any remaining thoughts I had interrupted and put his hand on my arm to lead me away. "At least, not in this dismal setting. Let me buy you lunch. It's always better to reminisce on a full stomach."

We walked down the hillside and back into Hogsmeade, where we found a booth at the back of the Three Broomsticks and ordered the Halloween special: bat-shaped sandwiches and spiked pumpkin juice. The Three Broomsticks was a friendly little inn, moderately busy with witches and wizards stopping in for refreshment during an afternoon's shopping. There were multiple posters of that criminal Sirius Black plastered on the walls, including on the one behind Lupin, so that when I looked at him the intense, haggard face of Black hung over his head. Our food arrived and we guttled it down while whatever they had added to the pumpkin juice made a pleasant heat spread through me like water. I relaxed against the padded leather seat, and when Lupin asked me about my home I told him of the little stone cottage built into the lee of the cliff and the wash of waves on the shore, regular and reassuring as breath.

"It sounds isolated."

"Yes, but so peaceful." It was never my home that made me feel lonely.

"Is that why you never came to Hogwarts?"

"My parents thought--it seemed so very far away. I did have companions from the neighboring islands. I went to a friend's Mum to learn Potions and Herbology. She had a small business out of her home selling ingredients and some of the more difficult potions she brewed. My Dad taught us all Astronomy and my Mum--my Mum taught Transfiguration."

"And Chanting?"

"That was Mum too. It's a family tradition." I was getting far too comfortable talking about my mother and looked for a new topic before he asked questions I didn't want to answer. I would have hated lying to him. "You never told me about your Hogwart's escapades and I think that was the whole reason we came here."

He examined his glass, rolling it thoughtfully between his palms. "It feels strange to be here without my old school friends. Things have changed, but I still expect to see their faces when I come into a classroom or sit down in the Great Hall. I miss them in a way I haven't appreciated in many years."

"Do you still have contact with them? You should send them an owl."

His face darkened. "I'm afraid that's not possible."

"I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear--"

"No, I mean, they're all…gone."

"Gone?" My voice lowered. "You mean…dead?"

Lupin nodded. "Or might as well be. He Who Must Not Be Named was very thorough to those around me." He looked at me. "I'm surprised Severus hasn't told you about it. He seems eager to engage you in conversation."

I pulled my shawl closer around my neck. "He went out of his way to make me feel welcome when I arrived. I've appreciated his kindness." But Severus's attention worried me for reasons I couldn't identify. His attitude had changed, he seemed more sullen now. I even suspected it had been him in my room the other night--surely a student wouldn't have been able to break my colloportus spell--but didn't want to discuss why he might have been there, what he might have been looking for.

"I'm glad to know he has a friend. He never had many at school. And I know I did nothing to make it easier."

"I didn't realize you two had gone to school together."

"Yes. But we didn't get along."

"That explains why he has been so cold toward you. Of course, the vulture hat hasn't helped, nor the red handbag."

"Ha! No, they haven't!" He grinned. "Nor the way the story keeps growing among the students. Yesterday, I overheard a fifth-year saying that boggart appeared in a purple negligee."

I giggled, snorting some of my pumpkin juice, which only made the both of us laugh louder. He tried to hand me a napkin, but I knocked over his glass in the process. I gave a little squeal as the juice ran across the table toward my clothes.

"Scourgify!" he exclaimed, wand hand faster than my own, and the glass righted itself, reclaiming the liquid, while the crumbs from our sandwiches flew onto our plates which neatly stacked themselves to one side of the table. Professor Lupin tucked his wand back into his pocket and picked up both our glasses. "That's better. I'll go get a refill, shall I?"

"Yes, why not?" My cheeks felt flushed. I had promised to send an owl to my Dad today, and I still had some shopping I needed to do, but it was too wonderful sitting there laughing with him. "But I'll buy this time. I insist." I dug in my pocket and handed him a few of the lonely knuts I had left. "We're both on a teacher's salary."

He took the coins and returned a few minutes later. It was another hour before our conversation came back around to his history at Hogwarts, and this time he was more forthcoming. He told me about trying to catch the giant squid that dwelled in the lake, and about sneaking a stinksap plant into Filch, the caretaker's, office and leaving it on his chair so when he went to sit down it sprayed him with foul-smelling pus.

"Poor Filch," I said. "It's hardly surprising he's become so sour. The messes he has to put up with from Peeves and all."

"He was sour already. James swore the stinksap wouldn't even bother. And then Sirius--" He must have seen my eyes flicker upward to the chilling figure in the poster over his head because he broke off and his happy expression changed, closing to me. "Yes, that Sirius. He and James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, whom he killed, were my best friends. I would not have come back to Hogwarts, despite Dumbledore's insistence, if he had not escaped. Now I'll do whatever it takes to protect Harry Potter, I owe it to James."

I put a hand to my mouth and said, breathlessly, "Oh, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?" He looked wary, as if that was not the response he'd expected from this revelation.

"What a terrible loss for you: of all three."

"You count Sirius as a loss?" he challenged. "He betrayed James, and his wife, Lily, you know. It's his fault Voldemort found them and murdered them."

I winced at the sound of that name and replied, "Of course, Sirius too. You can hate someone's actions and still love who they were." He was quiet, no longer meeting my eyes. My Dad always said it was my compassion for full-humans that led to my success in the world. Now no doubt it had led me to tread on very thin ice, but I continued softly, "He betrayed you too when he left you as the only one to remember and feel the pain of it."

He took a quick gulp and then sat back, brushing his thick graying hair out of his face. With an airy laugh, he remarked, "If you can find compassion for such a creature as Sirius Black, even Severus might win your affection."

"You've found me out, yes, me and Severus," I said, laughing too. I was afraid he would find reason to leave then, but he turned the conversation again and we stayed for yet another hour talking. We strolled back to Hogwart's together--I would just have to do my shopping another day once I had more knuts to spend and Dad would understand if his owl came a day late. When Remus held out his hand to me as we rounded the lake across a crop of slippery stones, I took it willingly.

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Hogwarts castle was done up beautifully for Halloween. Enchanted spiders had spun the crests of each of the houses in glittering strands hung over the door to the Great Hall. Quite independent of whomever was casting them, our shadows bowed to each other and waltzed along the hallways in pairs to silent music. Unable to afford new robes, I chanted on my way to dinner that night, drawing the candlelight like a ghostly cloud around the collar and hem of my black gown. Tiny stars winked in my long dark hair. I sat down at the teacher's table at the end Remus favored, far from the place Severus usually chose. Professor Pomona Sprout came in, a bit of monk's hood growing out of her hat for decoration this evening, and sat down beside me. We exchanged pleasantries. I complimented her on the way the little monks were each assuming an attitude to reflect one of the seven deadly sins, when I heard the chair on the other side of me pull away from the table and someone sat down, a knee brushing my leg under the table.

I turned with a smile, expecting to see Remus. It was Severus.

"Good evening, Nerissa," he said.

"Hello," I replied, trying not to let my disappointment show.

"Hello, Severus," Pomona chimed in, merrily. "Brewed up anything special for this evening?"

"No," he snapped.

I glanced over his shoulder, several places along the table Remus was sitting down beside Professor Flitwick, smiling and cheerful. I tried, but did not catch his eye.

The Halloween feast was delicious: great steak and kidney pies with crusts formed like pumpkins, vats of steaming toad in the hole, marrows au gratin, pumpkin cakes and treacle tarts. After the meal the castle ghosts put on an exhibition of their best flying tricks, sweeping overhead through the snaking streamers in precise formation. Through it all Severus maintained a polite demeanor, even asking me if Halloween was marked in any special way by Orcadian witches. He was back to the kindness he'd shown me before the term began, when he'd given me a tour of the castle and offered a healing draft when I caught a cold. My mind went back to my unlocked office door. Perhaps I had been wrong and it had never been locked in the first place. We all made mistakes, and I had been so tired and stressed from my first few days of class, so eager to be successful, so paranoid of being discovered.

I examined Severus' pallid face and hawkish nose, wondering what had happened in his life to make him seemingly incapable of smiling. He Who Must Not Be Named had harmed so many during his brief but deadly reign. The best and brightest had been in the greatest danger and Severus was an accomplished enough wizard to have caught his interest. I was hardly the one to judge Severus. No, I felt sympathy instead. All the guilt and ambivalence I had felt in those days came flooding back, for as long as the danger existed, my mother's protective instinct overrode her own desires and she stayed with Dad and me, but as soon as Voldemort's power was vanquished she said goodbye. Voldemort's destruction had seemed so far away to my adolescent imagination, and the warmth of my mother so very near. Part of me had cursed the little Potter baby, for in ridding the world of You Know Who, he lost me my mother. Right when I was on the verge of womanhood and most in need of her, she slipped away forever under the waves. I searched for her for many months, but she was gone.

Now I was the one brooding. I shook off the memory and realized the feast was over and the Hall almost emptied of students. Severus was standing beside me, hand on the back of my chair to pull it out for me. "Perhaps an evening stroll along the lake? The giant squid is lovely in the moonlight," he ventured.

"Oh." I felt the need to make up for my earlier suspicions, and maybe being near the water, even if I could not go in it while he was with me, would wash away my melancholy. "Yes, all right."

We were at the castle door when a commotion on the staircase up to the Gryffindor tower made us pause. There were shouts and someone yelled for Dumbledore. Turning around, we saw the headmaster sweep by, followed by Minerva and Remus. Severus scowled at the interruption in our plans and reluctantly said, "We'd better see what's going on."

"Yes, of course." I trotted in his wake, glad the students cleared such a wide path for him to get through since I was shorter and much less imposing. I heard Dumbledore saying, "We need to find her," and stood on tip toe to catch the rest of his instructions. I gathered that something horrible had happened to the Fat Lady, the portrait that guarded the entrance to the Gryffindor common room.

Cackling overhead made us all look up to see Peeves the castle's nasty little poltergeist bobbing in mid-air over the scrum on the staircase. His answer to Dumbledore's question about who had destroyed the painting made me gasp: Sirius Black!

It seemed impossible that he could have got past the dementors and into the castle. My mind was buzzing as we herded all the students back into the safety of the Great Hall. Dumbledore ordered the doors sealed to keep Sirius out and to keep in any errant student who might want to try their hand at heroics. Then he divided us up to search the castle.

"Mr. Filch, if you would please see to the dungeons; Professor McGonagal, Madame Hooch, the astronomy tower and seventh floor please. Madame Pince, the library."

"I'll take the third floor," Remus volunteered.

"I'll come with you," I said, stepping up next to him. "We can do the west tower too." Severus glared at us and his voice was tight as he offered to team up with Professor Flitwick to search the fifth and sixth floors.

Remus and I hurried up the staircase past the muttering and fearful portraits. Wand raised and glowing from its tip, Remus ran, breathing hard, a feverish intensity as he took several steps at once. I could barely keep up.

A sickening thought struck me. If Sirius Black was in the castle tonight, he could have snuck in before. It could have been he that had unlocked my door. I had kept the incident secret because of my own fears. In doing so, I may have jeopardized the safety of all the students and Harry Potter in particular. He was, after all, the one Sirius Black was hunting. Dumbledore had explained it to us before the term began so we'd understand why he allowed the dementors to surround the grounds. My heart beat fast from more than mere exertion.

At the fourth floor landing, two long galleries met. On one side was the school trophy room and adjacent to it, the ancient castle's armory where suits of armor stood in rows between pillars hung with swords, shields, and other mundane weapons.

"He could be anywhere," I panted.

"Yes," said Remus, grimly.

We walked a few steps into the armory together. My senses were on high alert, my wand in my hand. My face showed pale and heart-shaped in one of the shields. I saw Remus' nostrils flare slightly as if he was sniffing the air for danger.

"Sirius always liked playing with knives," he muttered under his breath.

"Wait," I said, swishing my wand. i "Constrictio." /i Clinking sounded all along the gallery as the weaponry was stuck firmly in place. "He won't be able to use anything from in here."

"Good thinking."

The suits of armor turned their heads as we passed, our footsteps echoing until Remus applied a silencing charm to our shoes. There was no one there. We paced the length of the trophy room next. Torches guttered in sconces that were shaped like the mascots of the four Hogwarts' houses . They sent a million stars glinting off the cups, plaques, and medals. Rows of little gold nameplates on a Gryffindor shield listed the names of the house prefects going back to the beginning, Remus's name among them. There was no place for Black to hide here.

The Charms corridor was next, with several classrooms leading off it. We quickly checked the first two. The third was locked. I tried to open it with a simple i "alohamora" /i but it stayed tight. Remus frowned and cast a jinx that blew the handle off. The door slowly swung inward into darkness and silence.

"Lumos!" Remus whispered and the end of his wand flared with light.

A drape covered something huge in one corner of the empty room, something tall enough to brush the ceiling. A light glinted under a fold of the cloth. I crept closer, grabbed the corner of the drape and gave it a sudden yank. It slipped down with a flump to reveal a mirror with an ornate gold frame. The glint caught my eye again and I realized that it was just the reflection of Remus's lit wand. He came up and stood behind me putting one arm around my shoulders and raising the other so we could both read the inscription carved along the top of the gold frame: erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi.

"Is it an incantation of some kind?" I asked.

"I'm not sure."

I felt his grip on me tighten. I gazed at his reflection, the two of us standing together. The image wavered slightly, as though I had blinked, but I hadn't, and we were still there, gazing back out at ourselves. "Do you see anything?" I asked.

"Just the two of us, together." He sounded breathless.

"Me too." Yet I didn't want to leave it. We had more of this floor to search. Black clearly wasn't here. We should go on. I could feel the rise and fall of Remus's chest against my back. His lips were near my ear. All I had to do was turn in his arms. Just turn. I was transfixed.

"Enough! There's more of this floor to search," he said, and pulled me away toward the door. I swear his hand was trembling.

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The rest of the search proved just as fruitless. I had started up the stairs when behind me I heard Remus mutter, "Hang on, where was that…?" and he turned around and headed back along the corridor. I followed to find him standing in front of a statue of a witch with one eye missing. He was running his hand along its hump, frowning.

He glanced at me and explained, "When I was at school there was a secret passage through here. Not too many people know about it but Sirius does. Now what was that password again? Ah yes, dissendium." A narrow door slid open behind the witch.

"Careful," I said and bit my lower lip as he turned sideways and slipped in. After a moment of listening intently, I stuck my head in. Fetid moldy air caressed my cheek. A stone slide descended into darkness and I put one careful foot on it, not wanting to slip down accidentally, not wanting to have to go down there at all. To be trapped in such a tightly enclosed place would make me quite claustrophobic. I couldn't see where the slide ended but farther along, in what looked like a low earthy passage, Remus was squatting in a puddle of light, examining the floor for signs of footprints. When he stood up he drew a deep breath, again as if he might be able to find Black by scent alone.

"Do you see anything?" I called.

"No." I couldn't tell if he was discouraged or relieved.

"Where does this tunnel go?"

"It comes out in a sweet shop in Hogsmeade."

"Hogsmeade? Then it's unlikely he got in this way. There are dementors patrolling Hogsmeade at night."

"That's true…yes…I'd forgot that. He can't have come this way." But he didn't sound certain and he paced down the passage a few feet into the velvet blackness, light fading with him, before coming back. "And I don't think he's dodged down here to hide. Come one, we'd better report in. Maybe someone else has had better luck."

Much to my relief, he scrambled out and dusted himself off.