Hearts Eye View – Chapter 10

Before the Dawn

Disclaimer: George Lucas and Bioware own everything. I'm merely having some fun in their playground. Besides which, I'm just a poor, unemployed college graduate (woohoo!!!!) so suing me will get you nothing but the rights to my student loan payments.

I strode onto one of the many observation levels on the Star Forge, where I found Lord Malak overseeing the construction of our armada. Fighters rose on repulsorlift fields to storage bays from the factories far below us where they were assembled. He stood silently and made no acknowledgement of my approach.

"You failed."

I lowered my head in supplication. I had no doubt of his usual penalty for failure, but I also held my suspicions that he didn't go to all the trouble to "convert" me just to kill me so soon. "Yes, Master. Revan came with two others. I could not best all three of them alone."

"You made it back alive, however. I see Revan could not bring himself to strike you down. That will ultimately be his downfall." He said all this, his back still to me. "He is on his way here now, I suppose."

At that moment, proximity alarms started ringing. "Ahhh, it seems the Republic has finally arrived." He spun on his heel to face me. "It is now time for you to show your true worth, Bastila. Come with me."

We moved quickly to the turbolift. We rose to the upper towers of the station, where he led me into some kind of command and control center. A large holo-display of the Rakatan system dominated its center. A Republic fleet had just entered the system, making straight for the Star Forge. "Revan… he must have relayed the location of this system before coming here."

Malak snorted. "He would have been a fool not to. I expected this little complication, which is why I've had the Forge working at 200 capacity for the past two weeks. We have an entire fleet of cruisers manned and ready, waiting for them, plus accompanying squadrons."

My eyes ran over the tactical data coming up on the display. "If my estimations are correct, our fleet capacities are roughly equal, my lord."

"Very perceptive, Bastila. This is where you come in. Your Battle Meditation will swing the battle to our side, and allow us to crush them."

"I understand, master. What of the station's defenses?"

"Sadly, the Star Forge was designed as a factory, not a battle station. It is sadly lacking in all but rudimentary shielding and point defense weapons. If the Republic penetrates the fleet line, the station itself is vulnerable. You are the key to our final victory, Bastila. Do not fail me." With that, he strode out of the command center.

Left on my own, I sat akimbo on the deck and let my mind reach out to the Force. The image of the two fleets moving to engage formed in my mind, and I could slowly begin to feel the spirits of those out there, like a nest of insects, buzzing just out of reach. I let my mind ever so lightly touch the collective mind of both armies, and worked my will upon them. I focused onto the Republic the fear and desperation of knowing that if they lost this battle, the Republic would end. And how could they win against such a massive fleet and this station? I let the fear of the unknown, the fear of death, the fear of failure creep into their hearts, eating away at reflexes, timing, coordination, and most importantly, the will to succeed.

For the Sith, I gave them the flush of victory near at hand. This would the last act in a long campaign, in which they would finally claim dominance over the galaxy, and crush the last serious opposition from the Republic. I pushed back their own fears and doubts, and let the certainty of triumph fill their beings. I knew this alone would not a war, but it tips the scales in favor of whatever side I chose. In many ways it was like being a pagan war goddess of old. I was granting my blessing to the side I thought most deserving of victory. I could not help but enjoy the rush of power this gave me. I had never viewed my abilities in such terms before, but I found that such thoughts pleased me. I had denied myself far too much.

This went on for nearly half an hour, I believe. Then I heard the sound of the doors opening, and I felt Malak's presence enter the chamber. I pulled myself free of my meditative state and stood to face him. He was doing his best to not look concerned, but I could tell something was wrong. "Revan has boarded the station, Bastila. He makes his way here even now. You can lure him in here and separate him from his allies. This time, you should be able to best him. He will not be able to strike you down, and you can use that to your advantage. Kill him, and your place at my side will be guaranteed."

I nodded meekly to my new master. Did he think me some sort of fool? He was throwing me in his path while he prepared some trap. The Republic was losing the battle; my battle meditation had done its job well. The Sith admirals could finish the battle without me. If I stopped Revan, I would have removed the thorn from Malak's side. If I failed, then I would buy Malak whatever time he needed. I was as disposable to him as I was to the Jedi Masters. It didn't matter. If I could defeat Revan, then Malak held no challenge for me, and we both knew it. I would not be a mere apprentice for long.

I waited only 15 minutes before the far blast door slid open. Revan stood on the other side, flanked by Juhani and Jolee yet again. Sensible. Carth and the others would have had a difficult time with the battle droids and Sith masters on the station. No doubt they were defending whatever hangar bay they had seized when boarding the Star Forge. Mind wipe or no, Revan was excellent at making the proper use of all the resources at his disposal.

Revan took one step into the room, and just as his feet cleared the threshold, the door sealed itself behind him, not giving Juhani or Jolee a chance to intervene this time. He didn't blink or turn to look at the door. It was if he expected this. "Revan, I knew you'd come." I couldn't completely keep the tone of resignation out of my voice. If only he had joined me down on the planet. I didn't want to kill him, but I had little choice now.

"Just as I knew you'd be here, Bas." I ground my teeth at the use of that ridiculous pet name, but said nothing. He was trying to bait me and it wouldn't work. "I don't want to fight you. We don't have to do this." He carefully moved towards me, his lightsaber in hand, but inactive.

I pulled my lightstaff from my belt and ignited it. "Nor do I, but it is your decision that placed us here. Had you reclaimed the power of your previous identity I would be your apprentice, not Malak's. But you rejected the Dark Side. Now you must pay the price. Here on the Star Forge the power of the Dark Side is at its strongest. This time you will not defeat me!"

With that I charged him. He quickly ignited his own azure blade and side-stepped my attack, but did not take advantage of the clear opening I gave him. Yes, if he was unwilling to fight to the death, then I would win, no matter how great his skill. He stepped back, and pulled the other saber from his belt, and ignited the gold saber that once matched my own, and then assumed a defensive stance.

I turned to face him, lowering my blade. "Why so reluctant? You did say you wanted to take me dancing." With that, I executed a pirouette, spinning my blade in a circular motion around my waist. He spun himself, using both blade to knock mine aside. Without hesitation, he retook the initiative, and struck out my lightstaff. I realized he was going to arm strikes, trying to disable me. Shifting my own defensive posture to compensate, I twisted my blade, switched dominant hands, and swung around for a backward slash.

He dipped his blue blade behind his back to catch my strike, while extending his off-hand blade suddenly, forcing me to move back if I did not wan to inadvertently impale myself on it. I did fall back, breathing heavily. "Impressive, Revan. Even though you are only a shell of your former self, you are still a formidable opponent. I can't even imagine the power you must have wielded when you were the dark lord. You were a fool to give it all up and follow the Light." I called upon the Dark Side energies that flowed within the walls of this place to revitalize me. I saw the light of realization enter his eyes. Now he knew, as long as I called upon the Dark Side, I would not tire so easily. I could outlast him.

He made a tentative slash out to my side, which I parried with ease. He was testing me. "I am as strong in the light as I ever was following the Dark Side." With that, he suddenly arced his primary blade in a circular motion, slashing out at my hip. I moved to parry it, but it was only a feint. He spun suddenly, and sent his other blade lashing out at my shoulder. I managed to duck and roll past him, and flipped back to my feet.

"The Dark Side has made me more powerful than I ever was before! I have more skill than all but the most powerful Jedi Masters, and soon, thanks to Malak, I will surpass even that!" I lashed out, twisting my blade in my hands, bringing both ends to bear as rapidly as I could, forcing Revan back, limiting his mobility as he busied himself parrying.

"You're only dooming yourself to a cycle of death and betrayal, Bastila! You must see that!" He returned to a defensive stance, both blades lowered and crossed just in front of his legs.

"No, Revan; it is you who are doomed." Our blades danced again, and in some small part of my mind, I could not help but think he was right. In some dark way, this was beautiful: a requiem, a dance of death for one of us. It shouldn't have had to come to this. We could have been happy. Nothing could have stopped us, if he had just listened…

I managed to knock the blue saber from his hand with a sudden reversal of a strike he though he avoided. What I did not expect was him to take the opportunity to swing his golden blade upward to cleave my staff down the middle. One half ceased to function, but the other worked. I tossed it aside, and we stood there and looked at each other for a moment, both down to only a single blade.

"You are growing weary. I can sense it! Your strength falters; the Light is failing you while the power of the Star Forge re-energizes me! Soon all this will be over." I slid into a normal stance, sword held downward at an angle, daring him to come forward. This was somewhat awkward for me. I was not accustomed to dueling with a single blade and he knew it.

Then Revan did something I did not expect: he shut his lightsaber off. "Then strike me down, Bastila. I won't resist."

I held my position and looked confused. "What sort of trick is this?"

He shook his head and threw his lightsaber aside. "No trick. Kill me. If this is what you want, what you truly want, then end this now. We both know I won't kill you. You have all the power, Bastila. You have the Dark Side, the Star Forge, and now the only lightsaber. Use it. Kill me."

I wavered. What was he doing? He was supposed to fight me, and I was supposed to kill him, not this! "I am a Sith now, Revan. Your Jedi trick won't save you." I lashed out suddenly, expecting him to roll out of the way or call his lightsaber back to his hand in time to parry my attack, but he just stood there, and my blade burned a mark across his chest. He stepped back and grunted in pain; doubling over, his hand moved to his chest. It was a long wound, as I was not expecting him to stand still, but not deep enough to seriously cripple or kill..

He looked back up at me, his face grimacing as he struggled to dampen the pain from the burn mark I had placed upon him. "What are you waiting for, Bas? Do it!" I closed my eyes and brought my blade up to end his existence, but no matter how hard I tried to will my arms to finish the downward stroke, I couldn't do it.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was standing straighter, but unarmed. He just looked at me with this expression of… infinite sorrow and empathy on his face, and it hurt more than any of Malak's assaults upon me. When I found my voice, it was cracked and weak. "This is not possible! You have rejected the Dark Side, you are a weak and pathetic servant of the light! Why can't I kill you?"

"Because it's not about power, Bastila. Power is a tool, a means to an end, like credits or a blaster or even a lightsaber. Malak and the Sith and the Senate, they all fool themselves into thinking power is what matters; that whoever has the power can do whatever they want." He walked over to me, and gently pulled my arms down. I had never even lowered my lightsaber. I didn't resist. I was just too stunned by everything. Nothing was going as I had wanted.

He cupped my cheek and made me look him in the eye. "Power is ephemeral; an illusion. I didn't see that… before, I think. I wanted power, just like you did, to make the galaxy right; to shape the universe to my will. I'm sure I had the noblest of intentions and believed that with every world I conquered, I could one day make it all right again after this one hard task was done."

"There is always someone stronger, wiser, and more powerful. There will always be others trying to control us, to bend us to their will, or just manipulate us, whether it's for 'our own good' or whether for their own selfish desire. The Jedi Council does it for the former, and the Sith do it for the latter. There is no such thing as absolute power, and the quest for it is what corrupts far too many good people."

"Then what can we do? What is left, if what you say is true?" There had to be an end to it all; I could not imagine living my life as a pawn of anyone, be it Jedi or Sith. I would not go back to the Council's slavery, benign as it may be. "There is too much anger inside me now; too much hatred and fear. I can no longer find peace in the Force."

I felt his hand move down and take my wrist, the one that still held the lightsaber. "You have to be true to yourself, Bas. The Force, light or dark, is only one part of who we are. You have to know yourself, your heart, your desires and instincts, as well as your mind." He raised my hand and placed the end of my lightsaber against his chest. "You need to make a decision. Is the path of the Sith truly the path that calls to you? If so, then all you have to do is just lay your thumb atop that button, and you will have your heart's desire. Show me, who is Bastila Shan?"

My heart suddenly froze in fear. The clarity of the moment washed over me, taking with it the fear and uncertainty, the resentment and the jealousy. I didn't want to kill him. I didn't want to lead the Sith in galactic domination. What I wanted was my freedom; I wanted to explore my life, my feelings; I wanted to find my mother and make up for all those lost years. I wanted to know if what I felt for this man was real or just the product of our bond. I wanted to see how far it would go. Carth, Mission, Jolee, Canderous, and even HK-47 had shown me a much larger galaxy than the Enclave ever had, and I wanted to know about it all. I thought the only way to be free of the Jedi was to become a Sith. Was there a third path I had never allowed myself? Was there another way to look at the galaxy than just what the masters told me?

I opened my hand and let the last half of my lightsaber clatter to the deck. "How can I go back, after all that I have done?" He pulled me to him, and wrapped his arms around me. I laid my head against his chest and tried to let the rhythm of his pulse soothe me. I heard him suck in a sharp breath. No doubt laying me against his injury was not doing him any comfort, but he held me to him nonetheless.

"I was redeemed, Bastila. You can be too. Nothing is unforgivable."

I sobbed suddenly, as I told him about Malak's torture, and how Vrook died. How many soldiers in the Republic fleet died because of my Battle Meditation? How much blood did I have on my hands? Who could forgive me? "Can you truly believe that?"

"I have to. I have no other choice." Of course, his memories may be gone, but he had to know on some level all the death and destruction his former self wreaked across the galaxy. This war could be laid solely at his feet. If he could not find forgiveness, what point was there to going on?

He pulled away from me bringing my head up, wiping away my tears. "I have to go face Malak."

"Why? If the Republic can destroy the station, then he dies with it." Facing Malak at this juncture seemed ridiculous.

He shook his head. "I know it's a risk, but I owe it to him. I led him down this path, and I either need to bring him back, or end him personally. I just have to do this, alone. Use your Battle Meditation, to try and turn the battle for the fleet. If we win, then those who lost their lives won't have died in vain."

He walked over to his fallen lightsaber and picked it up. I knelt down to retrieve my own fallen blade and handed it to him. "Here. You may need this. And I think it's appropriate if you faced him with this." He took it and nodded silently. He turned and moved to the entrance to Malak's lair.

He suddenly stopped and cast his eyes back towards me. "I forgive you, Bastila. And I know the others will too. Forgive yourself."

I nodded once and looked back at him, a wan smile slowly spreading on my face. I looked to the holo-display. "The Republic is losing. I am their only hope of breaking through the Sith lines. It is not much, but maybe it will be enough… for a start."

He flashed me just the faintest hint of that smirk I had come to love, if somewhat exasperatedly. "We all have to start somewhere."

He turned to leave, but I had to call out to him. I had to say it, just once, in case… we never met again. "I love you, with all my heart." I couldn't believe I had said it, but after giving in to the Dark Side and returning to the Light, I was finding there was remarkably little I was incapable of right now.

He turned halfway. "You aren't afraid to love?"

I laughed. I couldn't help myself. It spread like some kind of humorous disease and we were both laughing. When I regained my breath, I answered him. "After this? No. Nothing would make me feel safer or happier than to be loved by you. Go. Face Malak. I'll be waiting." And with that, he nodded once and left me alone. For the first time in weeks, I could feel our bond again, and it gave me strength. I didn't fear it anymore; I cherished it. I returned to my meditative position, and turned my talents once again to the battle raging outside, but this time for a much different effect.

As the minutes ticked by, I could feel the flow of battle changing. The Republic ships were outnumbered now, the battle having gone against them. Instead, this time I tried to rally the Republic with thoughts of success against all odds, while bolstering the Sith's sense of arrogance. After all, victory was assured. They could afford to be a little sloppy. The plan worked, and gaps in the Sith battle line began to open up. I had opened a doorway. I just had to hope that someone was left who could take advantage of it.

My hope was not in vain, as a wing of Republic heavy fighters punched through the Sith lines and executed a flanking maneuver on the cruisers, forcing them to re-focus their firepower. Some of the captains tried to reposition their ships, opening even wider gaps in their formation. Whoever was in charge of the Republic fleet pounced on it immediately. A group of light cruisers punched through, heading straight for the Star Forge. The heavier ships began to close on the Sith Interdictors, forcing them to worry about themselves and not about defending the Rakatan factory. It wouldn't be long before the ships could attack the Star Forge directly.

A few minutes later, Revan returned. He seemed tired, his hair matted down with sweat. The only visible injury I could see was the one I had dealt him, but he seemed drained. I stood up, leaving my Battle Meditation behind. The battle was over, one way or another. There was nothing more I could do. "Malak?" I asked, tentatively.

He just looked up, this sad look in his eyes. "He's gone. I couldn't reach him. Though I think… before the end, he finally understood."

I took his hand in mine. "It's not your fault. He made his own choice. He could have turned back, if he had wanted."

"Maybe. I don't remember what happened back then, and I doubt I ever will."

I leaned up and kissed him, ever so lightly. When I pulled back, the look on his face was almost enough to send me into a fit of laughter. I managed to hold it in. This wasn't the place. "We must go. The Republic cruisers are almost in bombardment position. We must return to the Ebon Hawk immediately." He nodded once, and we fled the command deck, and never looked back.

When we returned to the Hawk, Carth was standing at the base of the ramp. We could hear the whine of the ship's engines as it made ready for take-off. "C'mon! Move! Admiral Dodonna has ordered a full assault on the orbital stabilizers! This whole thing is going to be swimming in the sun in a matter of moments!"

We ran aboard, and Carth was right on our heels. He ran past us to the pilot's chair, and I felt the ship suddenly lurch as we pulled out of the hangar at full burn. I walked into the cargo bay, and saw the others sitting, looking at me. I could feel my heart stop. I had not considered the others, how they would receive me. Revan said they would forgive me. Could they? Juhani was the first; she walked up to me. I recalled all the horrible things I had said to her on the roof of the Rakatan temple, and inside myself, I cringed.

The young Cathar did not say a word. She just stared at me for a moment, and I was unable to meet her gaze. I tried to open my mouth, to say something, but "I'm sorry" just seemed inadequate. Instead, Juhani pulled me into her arms, and embraced me; an act with shocked me. "Welcome back to the light, Bastila. We knew V…Revan would get through to you." It seems she was still adjusting to the reality of Revan's identity. I suppose I couldn't blame her.

As she pulled back, I was speechless. I suppose I shouldn't have been, considering how own brush with darkness. The expression on my face must have been something to behold, as Jolee just chuckled. "Stop that, kid, you look like a Manaan puffer fish. You've got nothing to be sorry for. We all have a pretty good idea what a few weeks in a Sith torture cell can do to you. You may have slipped, but you picked yourself right back up again, and that's what counts. I don't think there's a person on this ship who can claim different. We've all had our long nights."

Carth picked that moment to come back out. "Good news, people! The Star Forge just dropped into the Rakatan sun, and the Sith fleet is scattering. Admiral Dodonna's on the horn, and their setting up a little victory celebration on the planet below as soon as they're done mopping up, and we're all invited. In fact, we're the guests of honor, it seems."

He threw himself down into a seat and seemed to finally relax for the first time since I had met him. He looked old and young at the same time. I had never really noticed before. Carth turned to look at me. This man had been betrayed and lost so much, and I went and betrayed him myself. I finally managed to find my voice. "Carth, I…"

"Skip it, Bastila. It's done. You did the right thing in the end. I already informed the Admiral that you betrayed Malak, and you're the reason for the sudden breakup in the Sith formation. Even Master Vandar seemed pleased by the news, and he said to tell you 'welcome back.' I don't think you have anything to worry about. We're all glad you're back." With that, he just laid his head back and let out a deep sigh.

"Listen to them, princess. We all have things we're not proud of." I glanced at Canderous who had wandered down from one of the gun wells. There was something different about him. The arrogance of the Mandalorians was replaced with something I never thought I would have seen on the seasoned warrior: weariness. The look in his eyes were that of someone who was haunted by some past action. Clearly, I had missed many things while I was… a guest of Malak. "Good job you did on those ships though. I thought those Republic ships were scragged. I kept hearing about how marvelous that meditation trick of yours was, but I never imagined it was so effective."

Before I could respond, Mission ran up and tackle-hugged me, laughing. Even she seemed older, more mature, but had lost none of the youthful exuberance. "I knew you couldn't really be evil, Bastila. That whole Sith thing just wasn't you. It was just Malak screwing with your head. I knew you'd wake up eventually." She ran her eyes over the leathers I had crafted for myself on the Star Forge. "I do like the outfit though. Think you can give me some design tips later?"

I looked down at her and smiled. "Perhaps later, Mission. Thank you. Thank you all." All the tension seemed to drain from the room, and it finally sank in. The war was over. Malak was defeated, Revan redeemed, the Star Forge destroyed, and the Sith fleet was scattered and leaderless. No doubt the clean up would take more time, and the repercussions would be far reaching, but the galaxy could finally begin to heal itself. We could all finally begin to heal.

Revan walked over to me and bit his arm around my waist, and led me to a seat in the circle of friends and companions we had formed over the last few months. Carth sat up and said "Okay, people. Enough of this serious stuff. I think its time for a pre-celebration party. Who's with me?"

Revan spoke up, "Here, here! I doubt anything the admiral can cook up can compare to our own private function." With that, Canderous passed me some foul-smelling beverage that I did not pass up. Let the princess retire to her tower. Mission jumped into Zalbaar's lap, who hugged at the sudden intrusion. Juhani sat next to Jolee, who trying to start in a tale of how all this reminded of the time he and his wife were trying to smuggle some relief supplies. HK and T3 just stood off to the side, talking to each other in binary, making some kind of sarcastic commentary about the rest of us, no doubt.

I looked up at Revan who just smirked at me. "Sure you made the right decision?" I said nothing, but pulled him into a long deep passionate kiss right there in front of the entire crew. The entire room fell silent. When I finally let him breathe again, I responded simply with, "Yes." HK lowered the rifle he had been snapped in my direction. Mission cheered and clapped while Carth and Jolee went up in laughter. Juhani looked mildly scandalized, but was smiling nonetheless. Canderous was smirking himself, and actually tipped his cup to Revan and I. Zalbaar just huffed away in that inimitable Wookie chuckle.

I let the sight of all of us burn into my memory. I never wanted to forget this moment, this day. Despite all that I had done, at that point, I could feel nothing but joy. I did not know what lay ahead for us. There was so much uncertainty, but for this one moment, everything was right with the galaxy. But most importantly, for the first time in almost twenty years, I was home.