Chapter Three: Chocolate in the Owlery

But no one had had better luck. There was no sign of Sirius Black and after Headmaster Dumbledore called off the search at 3 a.m. I fell into my bed with a leaden feeling twisting in my stomach. Unable to sleep, I stared at the door which I knew for sure was locked this time. There would be no reason for Black to be in my room, I told myself. I got up anyway and searched it for secret passages, but there were no hidden panels behind the bookcase. Nor could the mouth of the giant stone toad hunched in the corner gape open to reveal a mysterious doorway. Tired at last, I crawled back into bed and dreams of slipping down slides into cold dry cells where Sirius Black poured me a cup of tea with rum in it.

The next day I decided to talk to Remus about secret passages, but I wasn't able to catch him alone in either his office or the Great Hall. By Tuesday, the issue seemed less pressing, more my own paranoia. And by Thursday, when I did find the opportunity to talk with him, Remus was looking pale and exhausted, obviously not feeling well again. I expressed my concern, tried to suggest ways I could help of him which he politely declined, and left feeling more worried about him than any silly concern of my own.

The first quidditch match of the year was Saturday. I hadn't seen a lot of quidditch beyond what my friends played in the garden, though it was rare we had enough kids together to have two beaters. As the students filled the stands, all dressed up in the colors of the house they favored to win, I looked for somewhere neutral to sit, if that was possible. It wasn't. And the weather had taken a terrible turn, the wind lashing my hair against my face and rain soaking through my cloak before I even found a place to sit.

"Professor Muir." Severus was beside me. "You look a little lost."

"I am," I admitted.

"Come with me."

I looked around for a better option and then followed. He indicated two seats at the front of the Slytherins. Hufflepuff and Gryffindor were playing today so I supposed if I wanted to seem neutral it was better to sit with one of the other houses. Straining to see the stands through the storm, I could not spot Remus over among the eager mass of Gryffindors.

I sat down and adjusted my robes while students filled in around us. Severus sat beside me like an oasis of calm among the excitement, only the glitter of his dark eyes showed he was as interested in the game as the rest.

"It's a shame your team wasn't able to play today," I said, because originally it had been the Slytherins scheduled. The Hufflepuffs were playing against Gryffindor instead since the Slytherin seeker had been injured in some sort of accident in Professor Hagrid's class. I had to speak loudly to be heard over the roar of the wind and the spectators.

"Yes, a shame, but it's still a pleasant way to end a particularly difficult week."

"Students on edge after Halloween?" I had noticed it myself, a certain distraction and tendency to quarrel among themselves.

"No. I took on Lupin's classes while he was…indisposed."

"Oh, I didn't know you'd done that. It was good of you to help out."

"Yes." He paused and looked at me more intently. "Do you really think so?"

"Of course. Do you--do you know--is Remus feeling better?"

"He should be over the worst." It was a hiss. "He'll be able to do his own work again next week."

"Oh, good," I said, lamely. He would hardly want to be discussing Remus. I asked a few questions about quidditch, and he introduced me to the Slytherin team's seeker, a ferret-faced blond boy who had his arm in a sling. He and another boy had tiny models of quidditch players that zoomed out of their hands and around their friend's heads. One of them was so battered it had zoomed past my face several times before I realized it was supposed to be dressed as a Gryffindor seeker. The reason for its mangled appearance became apparent as another toy player in green swooped by and slammed a bludger right into the seeker, knocking it to the ground. I was surprised Severus didn't say something sharp to the boys who were likely to take someone's eyes out with the way they were playing, but then the wind and the number of umbrellas being blown about were even more dangerous.

Soon the game began, and I tried to follow the action through the sheets of rain. Thank goodness one of the students was commentating or I wouldn't have been able to discern what was happening at all. The players swooped around the gray skies like smudges of living color, the quaffle and bludgers were well nigh invisible. With a sinking feeling, I realized that if the seeker couldn't see the snitch, we'd be sitting here well into the night.

I shivered--it was very rare that I felt cold--and mumbled a warming chant under my breath. It was suddenly much colder, and I wished I'd never come to attend the game. I wasn't even sure why I was at Hogwarts at all. I was a fraud, without talent, disdained by the full humans around me, and merely humored by Remus who was too considerate to avoid me. A well of loneliness broke open in my chest, threatening to stain my face with more than rain.

Severus stood up, tense. "What are they doing here?" he growled.

I followed his line of sight, squinting, and wiped my eyes at the sight of dozens of dementors floating purposefully onto the field. He slammed his fist into the wooden edge of the spectator's box, inadvertently crushing the toy seeker which had swooped around us again, and shoved away through the crowd. I blinked and came back to myself. Shaking off the cold, bits of broken toy, and silence wrought by the dementors' presence, I hurried to follow him, surrounded by gasps as others became aware of the dementors too.

Taking two steps at a time down off the stands, Severus and I made it to the field. He was jogging ahead, robes whipping out behind him. I heard screams from above and my own fear made me pant. The cold squeezed the breath from the chest. Suddenly the black figure ahead seemed to have multiplied and I realized several dementors were closing in behind Severus. Instinctively I reached into my robes and pulled out my wand.

With great effort, I aimed and shouted, i "Expecto patronum!" /i A silver bolt shot out of the end of the wand and coalesced into a sleek seal that swam like a bullet through the air to scatter the dementors. Severus whipped around, surprised, in time to see them flee.

"There are more!" I shouted. "They're everywhere!" By now I had caught up with him and we stood back to back while the seal circled almost playfully on an invisible current around us. Another scream made us both startle. Above the field, a red speck came plummeting out of the sky. As it neared the ground, I realized it was the Potter boy. Severus raised his wand to try to save him regardless of the distance, but before he could utter a word the boy's body jerked upward as if caught in an invisible net and then slowly sank to the ground. Dumbledore was running onto the field, and even with the rain, I could see a naked fury in his face as frightening in its own way as the dementors.

"Stay here and don't let the dementors into the stands!" Severus left me with my patronus to stand guard. But Dumbledore himself dispersed the rest of the dementors and none of them dared linger. As my fear dissolved so did my patronus. Students peered down the stairs and then came down to see what was happening, but I shooed them back until I knew we had the all clear. Dumbledore came by with Potter floating on a stretcher, headed for the school's hospital wing. Minerva and Poppy Pomfrey, the school nurse, paced along either side of the stretcher with very worried expressions on their faces. Severus followed them up but he did not continue on into the castle, instead he came back to me and gestured me to join him around behind one of the great wooden beams so that the students wouldn't overhear us.

"Why were they here? Was it Black?" I whispered.

"No. I think they're just getting hungry. All these exuberant children were too much to resist."

I shivered in response. "Is Potter going to be all right?"

"Yes. He fainted and fell off his broom." His voice dropped lower. "I want to thank you for what you did earlier."

"I was afraid you didn't know they were there."

"I didn't. But not everyone would have acted so quickly on my behalf. You have a fine patronus, Nerissa." And for a moment I thought he might smile. There was an awkward pause. "Well, just thank you." He hurried off, and I went to tell the young people jammed at the top of the stairs, shivering and scared, that they could return to the castle.

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As Severus predicted, Remus was back to work, though wan, in a few days. I was dying to know what exactly was wrong with him. It was obviously a chronic condition but I could think of nothing it might be. Yet he never spoke of it, never complained of tiredness or pain, and since he seemed to have vigorously recovered again, I didn't want to seem too nosy. I was just glad that we both found reasons to often be in each other's company: he loaned me a book on dark creatures of the Midlands and I taught him a little ditty that, when sung or hummed while sewing, made mending invisible and twice as strong as before.

Autumn quickly disappeared into an early snowfall and whatever understanding I might have come to with Severus disappeared with it. He became more surly than ever, glowering at Remus whenever he saw us together. Remus pretended not to notice and even in private never said a word against him As much as I wanted to know what strange illness Remus suffered from, I wondered even more why Severus hated him so much. Yet Severus was always polite to me personally.

As December began, I looked forward to the Christmas holiday. I was going to go home for a week, visit my Dad, and spend as much of my time as possible on the stony beach. I said as much at our monthly staff meeting when Minerva asked me if I would be spending the holiday at Hogwarts.

She gave a crisp laugh. "Well, you may be as hardy as a highland sheep, but my bones are getting old enough to prefer the warmth of a castle fire."

After the meeting, when most of the other teachers had left Dumbledore's office, I lagged behind to ask Remus the same question. I had half a mind to invite him to come home with me, though it meant getting Dad to distract him so I could swim.

"No," he said, hoarsely, slumped in one of the great overstuffed chairs Dumbledore had conjured for each of us. "I don't think I'll be joining in on any Hogwart's festivities." I peered at him; he looked terrible again, his skin almost matching the graying of his hair, dark circles bruising his eyes.

I squatted down beside him and put my hand on his arm. Quietly, I insisted, "Can't I do something for you?"

He managed a pale smile. "Don't concern yourself. I'm fine."

"Perhaps Madame Pomfrey--"

"Nerissa…," he interrupted, and squeezed my fingers with his usual strength. "Don't worry."

But I did worry and that evening after dinner, and an hour or two of correcting essays on the magical properties of minor chords, I picked up the copy of I Dark Creatures of the Midlands /I and went round to his rooms to check up on him. Standing outside his door, I hesitated. What if he were sleeping? Oh well, what nurse did not wake their patient to see to their well-being? I knocked softly but got no reply, so I went back down to the second floor to see if he was in his office, preparing a speech about working too hard as I went.

I rapped sharply on the door this time. "Professor Lupin?" I listened carefully to the silence beyond the door before knocking again. "Remus?" I thought I heard a noise. I cleared my throat and said, "I've brought back the book you loaned me."

Yes, there was definitely someone moving around in his office. I waited for him to open the door or tell me to enter. Neither happened. "Remus? Are you all right? Can I come in?" It sounded like footsteps; they paced right on the other side of the door and moved away again. "Remus?" I put my hand on the doorknob and tested it. It was locked. "Please let me in."

Stepping back, I stared at the door for awhile, then, with a sigh, reluctantly walked away. Potential tragedies galloped through my imagination. Five steps was as far as I got before spinning on my heel and charging back, pointing at his door with my wand and a firm i "Alohamora!" /i

The lock clicked and the door swung open slowly. It was dark in his office, and I paused at the threshold for my eyes to adjust. A boomslang lay curled in a small tank on a table next to a pile of books, parchment, and a stuffed and mounted porlock. "Remus? It's me. I'm sorry to intrude…I was just worried…are you all right?" He wasn't there. But I know I'd heard footsteps. A goblet sat empty on the desk with a faintly foul wisp of smoke still curling from it. With great trepidation I peered around the other side of his desk, afraid I'd find him passed out on the floor. To my relief he wasn't there, but movement caught my eye.

I leapt back. Coming out from under the desk and slinking around the chair was the largest wolf I had ever seen. It gazed at me with yellow eyes and I froze. I had been in Remus's office enough times to expect an odd creature or two but not a full grown wolf unrestrained by spell or cage. In slow motion, I took a step back and turned my head to judge the distance to the door. The wolf sniffed at me, sat down on its haunches, and opened its mouth enough that its tongue could droop out. Surprised, I stopped planning my escape and regarded it out of the corner of my eye so it wouldn't think I was staring at it. No animal could have assumed a less aggressive pose.

"Are you tame then?" I asked it softly. It tilted its head at the sound and continued to regard me with curiosity. I slowly squatted down so I was on the same level and waited, then I inched closer to offer it my hand. The wolf snuffled at my scent, gave my fingertips a lick, and then stretched out on the floor with a loud huff.

"I didn't know I was that boring," I replied, relief in my voice. I couldn't believe I was so close to such a powerful and amazing animal. It might not have been wise, since I knew nothing about it, but, keeping low, I shut the door and slid around so that I was sitting cross-legged beside the wolf. Reaching far enough out to stroke its beautiful gray head, I said, "You're gorgeous. Where did Remus find you?" The wolf twitched its ears and rolled slightly so that I could dig into the dense fur around its neck for a good scratch. "Good boy," I cooed. "Why would you be here? I hope no one wants to make out that you're a dark creature too. Do you know where Remus is?" I sighed. "If only you could tell me."

I fell silent and the wolf scooted closer so that his head was across my lap. He closed his eyes as I continued to scratch, fingers burrowing into his soft fur. I rested my back against the desk. It was just as soothing for me, sitting there. A calming chant my mother used to sing came to mind, and I began to hum. I'm not sure how long I stayed, but my legs had fallen totally asleep before I moved that great head gently off my lap and tiptoed out of the room.

I slunk along the corridor back to my own room, staying in the shadows and crossing dark patches without making a light. I did not want anyone, even the paintings, to wake up and see me sneaking from Remus's office at that time of night.

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"Professor Muir, are you headed up to the owlery?" Remus asked me from his classroom door as his students filtered out at the end of the hour.

I held up the small package for my Dad he must have spotted and nodded. "Would you like me to take something up for you?"

"That's all right, I'll come with you." As the students trooped out he tapped one boy on the shoulder and said, "Good work today, Neville. Why don't you take another five points for Gryffindor?" The boy, who had been shuffling along staring at his feet, straightened and blushed about the ears. Remus ducked back into the classroom and came out with his cloak over his arm and a letter in his hand.

He came over to me and we started up the staircase. "I know someone who may be able to get me some hinkypunks," he said, then dropped his voice so only I could hear. "I'm thinking of using them for a final exam this spring. But it will take some time to collect them so I've got to put in a request now."

We marched up together, pausing to let the staircase re-arrange itself which then meant going back down a floor and taking another route. I was less familiar with this set of stairs and just as I was trying to remember which step one had to watch out for, my foot slipped and plunged right through the next riser. Yelping, I sunk as far as my knee and muttered a curse word worthy of Peeves. Hiding a smile, Remus helped me out but he made no comment on my lack of grace, vocabulary, or red hot ears.

When we got to the owlery, the bright afternoon sun was piercing to the tower room's floor, illuminating the furry grey lumps of half-frozen owl pellets all over a layer of straw. Above us, puffed up for warmth, a few hundred owls snoozed and muttered at the interruption of our presence.

"Goodness," I said, mouse bones crunching underfoot, using the most pristine word I could think of, "It's about time Mr. Filch got up here for a good cleaning."

"Sometimes he needs a little extra time. It's a big castle, and he's a squib so he has to work twice as hard."

"Oh, I didn't know that. Well then…" I tucked the package under my arm so I could take my wand out and flick it. i "Scourgify!" /i The worst of the owl pellets disappeared though the straw was still dirty. I didn't know where it was kept to summon more. "That's a bit better."

We each called for an owl to come down and take the mail. They all pretended not to hear us the first time, it was the middle of day after all, but eventually a barn owl and a larger tawny one came down grudgingly and clicked their beaks at us as Remus attached his letter to one and I tied my package to the leg of the other. The owls hopped to the open window and took off in quick succession. I went to the window, where it was less likely one would be decorated by the gentle rain of owl droppings, to watch them swoop low over the forest and pick up altitude to vanish into the distance. The whomping willow shuddered as they flew past, as if frustrated it could not reach high enough to swat them out of the air.

"Has anyone ever tried to tame it?" I pondered out loud.

"Tame what?" Remus asked.

"The whomping willow. It seems like a very dangerous thing to have on the grounds of a school. I suppose there are things in the forest that are none too friendly either…" I mused, scanning the skeletal branches of trees spreading around the castle like a gray and black moat. I turned around and leaned on the window ledge, something else brought to mind. In a rush, I said, "Listen, I came to your office a few nights ago to return a book and--well--you didn't answer but I heard something. I thought it was you, and I was worried--you looked so tired the other day--and so I opened your door anyway, but you weren't in there--and I saw that wolf you had, and I've been meaning to say something to you about it. I mean, there are lots of creatures that have a bad reputation but aren't truly dark at all. They're really quite gentle and family-oriented. Of course, anything could be dangerous if cornered, and there might be individuals who do evil things, but in general the creatures really don't deserve the fear that humans have of them."

He had raised his eyebrows. I had clearly startled him, and he spoke carefully when I paused for breath. "Are you talking about the wolf?"

"Yes. They aren't dark creatures and I'm afraid that if you use one in your class you'll be giving the students the wrong impression about them. They don't need more bad press. The one in your office was very gentle. I sat and petted him for hours. I know I shouldn't be interfering, it is your class after all, but it's been bothering me enough I just needed to have my say. Sorry." Heat rose in my cheeks, but I kept my face up, determined.

"Well…" Nonplussed, he looked down and toed the dirty straw, muttering, "Well…I thought it was a dream." Finally, he looked back up at me and smiled wryly. "I agree with everything you said, and I assure you I never had any intention of using that wolf in any of my classes. He was…visiting, that's all."

I let out a breath, my shoulders sagging. Now I felt a little foolish. He was one of the most considerate men I'd ever met, and I had jumped to conclusions. A frigid breeze whipped through the owlery, rustling feathers and straw, and blowing hair into my eyes.

"Cold?" he asked.

"No, I'm fine."

But he came and stood beside me, spreading his cloak out with one arm to envelope me as well. Relieved at this gesture that he didn't hold it against me, I snuggled into the warmth of his hug. He smelled good, like wood smoke and trees. The sunlight lit his graying hair, turning it almost the same shade as the wolf's.

"I'm sorry I bit your head off," I said and stretched up to give him an apologetic peck on the cheek, but he turned his head and our lips met. We kissed for a long moment. My stomach clutched in a way that both ached and was exciting at the same time. I parted from him reluctantly, the thrill of pleasure already giving way to fear. If I allowed our relationship to go beyond being friends, if that was even anything he was interested in, then I would eventually have to tell him, and he would reject me like all the others. As he hugged me closer, I pressed my cheek against his shoulder, tears forcing their way to my eyes. He noticed when I sniffed.

"Why…What are the tears for?"

I scrubbed my face. "Nothing. I'm being silly."

"I don't have to kiss you again."

"No, please do." And he did. Then he pulled away enough to reach into his pocket and take something out. He handed it to me. "Here this might help."

I looked at the wrapper. "Honeydukes chocolate?"

"It's the best. Chocolate is worth the extra expense. I've been keeping it on hand what with dementors around. It does wonders after one of them; it might help your tears too."

"You think so?"

He shrugged. "Couldn't hurt."

"You're the expert." I broke a piece off and offered him some. It was wonderful stuff: smooth, melting, and not too sweet. I leaned against him again nibbling my piece, and I did feel better.

He cleared his throat and said with a strange unconcerned air, "So what did you do those hours when you were with the wolf?"

"Nothing. I sat down and he put his head in my lap. I scratched his fur--he has a wonderful pelt, hasn't he?--and Chanted to him. He slept mostly."

"What did you sing?"

"The first thing that came into my head. Something for soothing children when their bellies are upset from too many sweets."

"How does it go?"

"Oh, it's a silly little thing."

His voice softened. "I want to hear it."

I glanced up at him and saw that he was serious. "All right." I swallowed the last of my chocolate and began humming. I did a quick translation into English in my head and added words the second time through.

i Hush, child, take no fright

Calm the beast inside

Morning, noon, or longest night

I'll be by your side. /i

I felt Remus relax, he shifted so that he was sitting comfortably propped on the window sill, keeping his arms around me and we stayed until it was time for the last hour of classes, at home amid the rhythmic spatter hitting the straw from above.