Chapter Eight: The Simmer Dim

But this was Remus I reminded myself. Hope surfaced with a wild idea. The wolf took a step toward me. Barely able to find my voice, I started to sing.

I Hush, child, take no fright

Calm the beast inside

Morning, noon, or longest night

I'll be by your side. /I

He paused, ears twitching, raising his head slightly. I swallowed and Chanted it through again, gathering more strength to the notes. The wolf swung his head side to side uncertainly, and growled again but this time the timbre was more defensive. I switched languages, returning the chant to the language of my mother's people, increasing its potency, and continued to sing until the wolf whined and dropped his tail.

I sank further down myself so that I was sitting at the base of a tree. The wolf looked uncertain now but that made him no less dangerous. I looked away, gazing off into the woods as if I had no concern but to sit and enjoy the scenery, willing my heart to be calm, wondering if he could hear it racing out of tune with my chant. Slowly the wolf inched closer, limbs still tense, snuffling at my scent.

When it finally sat down, at fingertip's length from me, I paused. "Remus," I said softly. "Can you remember who you are?"

The golden eyes gave no answer. My throat was dry. I drew a shuddering gulp of night air and began Chanting again.

When dawn came, weak and pale, seeping through the canopy in scant hope of reaching the forest floor, I was still leaning against the tree, my limbs stiff and sore. Remus was lying on the leaves with his head in my lap, the cloak covering the dirt-encrusted gashes that desecrated his naked flesh.

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I limped across the entrance hall as fast as I could, a crushed bit of parchment in my fist. My body ached despite Madame Pomfrey's Pepper-Up. It could have been the fact that I wasn't fully human that the potion didn't work properly -- smoke didn't even leak out of my ears -- or it could have simply been grief. I thought I was sinking in the swell of it until I stepped through the main doors and saw the coach waiting at the bottom of the stairs, then I understood sorrow as I had never before. The thestrals waiting in the carriage shafts pawed the ground restlessly; every stamp marked my heart. I walked down a few steps and stopped, unable to go any farther.

I heard the groan of the great doors as one opened and shut again. Above me, Remus said, "So you came. I thought you might not. I thought it might be too hard."

"I spent last night with the wolf, Remus," I replied, angrily. "Don't you tell me what's too hard. Maybe it's too hard for you."

He flushed and looked as his feet. The battered case he was carrying on the day I first saw him was in one hand, looking even more likely to split open and spill books and socks down the stairs. An empty tank was tucked under his other arm. "Actually, I thought you might be too upset with me."

I brandished the parchment whose smeared ink was almost unreadable now. He'd left the letter on my pillow while I napped. "Of course, I'm upset. This is so stupid and unfair and--and--and I'm furious!"

Sadness filled his tired features, he came down the steps, set his things down at his feet, and rested a hand on my shoulder. "It was inevitable, really. I wanted so badly to trust Dumbledore, to trust myself, that I came here against my better judgment, but even he makes mistakes sometimes."

"But nothing happened really. Everyone's fine. You're the only one hurt."

A wry smile flickered across his mouth as his thumb traced a scratch across my cheek. "The only one?"

Tears filled my eyes, spilled out, and dampened the back of his hand. "Please, Remus. Don't go."

He kissed me tenderly on the forehead and his arms encircled me with compassion not compliance. "This is not an argument either of us can win. I really would rather leave before the owls begin arriving. I've seen the letters before; it's too painful the other way. Snape said it wasn't over yet and he was right."

I sniffed and scrubbed at my face. "Then I'll go too."

"No. The term's almost over. You have a place here now."

"I don't want it. I don't want to stay without you. Remus…I love you."

He blanched and I thought I saw his resolve waver. "I love you too, Nerissa. Hogwarts has worked its magic for me again. I will never regret this year. Not in the slightest."

I threw my arms around him and crushed my mouth against his, tasting the sea in my tears. A sound like a sob caught in his throat, but he took hold of me and pushed me back, holding me off so he could stoop and pick up his case. "I'll feel better knowing you're doing well. Stay and teach the children. Miss Granger needs you--"

"--She told me last week that she's taken too many classes. She's going to drop Chanting next year--"

"--and you can help protect Harry."

"He's not one of my students. I don't even know him."

"Then stay for my sake, Nerissa. Because I can't." He picked up the tank and started down the remaining steps decisively. But I chased after, yanked the tank out from under his arm, and hurled it down the steps. It bounced once and shattered next time it hit, spraying the drive near the carriage with twinkling shards. He kept walking.

"You haven't even told me where you're going!" I shouted.

"I don't know." Now he was at the coach and he yanked the door open with more force than necessary in order to throw his case in. A little step flipped out to ease entrance. He put his foot on it and hesitated. "Actually…maybe I could head north. Very very far north." He smiled at me, looking almost shy. "I'll could find a little island somewhere. Someplace suitable for a Hogwart's professor to spend the summer. I understand there's some fascinating archaeology up there. And the night doesn't ever come this time of year."

"The simmer dim," I whispered.

"The simmer dim," he repeated. He stared at me for a long time while a gentle breeze dried my cheeks and tousled my hair. Then he reached into the coach, shoved his case over, and climbed in. The step curled back in. The door slammed shut. The thestrals gave a hop and the carriage jerked into motion. It pulled around the wide sweep of the drive, wheels gleaming in the afternoon sunlight, and headed out toward the iron gates which were no longer guarded by dementors. The gates parted and Remus passed between the great stone columns topped with winged boars holding the school crest.