Chapter 22 The Need For Air
Kagome's biorhythms maintained her routine, despite her lack of and need for sleep. Her internal clock was preset to 4:30 a.m. She woke with a start, feeling strangely warm and claustrophobic. Disoriented in the dark, her mind raced with her eyes for orientation.
She was lying on her bedding, hot from the covers, closed in from the weight of–Inuyasha's arm?
'Why is Inuyasha lying next to me and holding me?' she thought, trying to suppress a mild panic attack.
She remembered the night before–the fight with Inuyasha over Paul's "mark," her soak in the hot springs with Sango, opening up to Sango about the last two years of her life and her feelings for the three men that, in one way or another, she was bound to now. A fresh memory came to her, one that returned her to feelings of rising panic:
'Inuyasha. . . . . what happens to him in my time? What happens to all the demons from this era?'
The question wasn't just idle curiosity for her. Somehow, its answer was looming, eminent, scaring the shit out of her. It was why she had risked connecting with Michael across time itself. She didn't even know if it would work, but, thankfully, it had. She heard him, his voice, full of concern for her in her head as clearly as if they were speaking together in the same room. She hoped she conveyed the urgency of her question to Michael. She had refused to break the connection even though she knew it was dangerous to the point of foolishness to use so much energy. She felt a darkness being drawn to her, rapidly coming closer. She couldn't fully shield herself from a spiritual attack being so completely open, but kept her mental and spiritual defenses down until she had extracted a promise from Michael, his promise to investigate immediately what Inuyasha's fate in her time might be.
The rest she was told by her concerned friends–passing out in the water, Inuyasha's rescue, the attacker who came through her dreams again, this time almost killing her. Her friends had all worked to save her, but Inuyasha's strength brought her back. She knew her connection to him had been her lifeline, but she didn't know how or why. She had been exhausted, but very grateful to have come through it.
'Michael's right. I can't contact him like that again; it's too dangerous. If I die now, how can I do what I'm meant to? I don't want to screw things up again.' She frowned in the dark, remembering another problem: 'Now that I've done this, I don't know how long the effects will last. I have to be careful. I can't afford any 'mind slips' now.'
She exhaled deeply, feeling the dead-weight of the hanyou's arm rise and fall on top of the blankets that covered her. 'Time to start the day,' she thought. The only problem was, how was she supposed to go about her normal routine with this arm, and the half-demon connected to it, holding her?
She decided on a plan to get free. She needed to move slowly and quietly, taking lots of time, no rushing. She had practiced the art of the slow, quiet escape many times over the years at her mother's. She just hoped she wasn't too rusty.
'Here goes nothing!' she closed her eyes tightly, willing her plan to work.
Uttering a sleeping moan and breath on purpose, Kagome rolled over, as far away from Inuyasha as the wall would let her, and she felt his arm gently drop to the empty bedding. Immediately she felt the absence of his warmth, missed it.
'No movement now. Lie still. Don't even breath. For gods-sake, control your breathing! He'll hear you with those damn ears of yours if you don't relax. That's it, breath. . . . just breath like your still asleep. . . ."
After forcing herself to lie very still for several minutes, Kagome used all the agility her body possessed to go from a horizontal position to standing with almost no sideways movements and no stopping. Fluidly, she got up, her bare feet standing on top of the bedding. She was grateful none of her bones popped or that she hadn't ruffled the heavy blankets. Any sound now would put an abrupt halt to her escape. She looked down at the dark, sleeping form. Covered by a blanket and his coat, Inuyasha's sleeping body took on extra mass. His face and even hair were hidden, covered by the blanket that was draped over his head.
If only his body was turned away from the wall where she now stood, instead of facing it. God, she didn't want to see those eyes fly open now.
'Okay. It's a little unconventional, but I can run in my nightshirt. My shoes are right outside the hut, and for today, I can run with my thoughts instead of my music. This will work. I need to do this.'
It was more than keeping to her carefully balanced routine that was driving Kagome's will to run. For some reason, she felt caged in the dark hut. The air was heavy, weighed down by the sounds of her friends' breathing. She desperately wanted to feel the cool rush of air against her skin, to feel her legs rising and falling with the rhythms of her own heart. She needed some space, a chance to re-balance from all the events of yesterday.
Kagome looked down at Inuyasha for several minutes longer, paralyzed by a strange mixture of desire and fear. 'If I don't move now, I won't,' she told herself, half tempted to snuggle back into too-inviting warmth.
Taking a silent, deep breath and offering a prayer that the floor-boards wouldn't betray her, Kagome stepped with the grace and light-footedness of a cat.
'One, two, three , four. Four steps and I'm out the door!' she chanted happily to herself. She stood at the threshold. Now, could she get out without a sound? Her hands shook as she lifted the latch, hearing the wood brush against the wood of the door, she slowed down, begging the door to grant her freedom.
'PLEEASE! OPEN SESAME!'
The latch was up. Kagome opened her eyes that she had squeezed closed and ever so gingerly, pressed her hand on the door. It opened outward soundlessly as a crack of dark, cool air, enveloped her left foot.
She paused only long enough to also her relief to catch-up with her adrenadline rush. She knew she was ridiculous for it, but Kagome was superstitious about inanimate objects, especially those made out of wood or stone. 'Thank you,' she mouthed in silent whisper to the door.
Without cracking the door any further, the lithe woman turned sideways and glided out. She made out the darkened shape of her shoes on the porch and smiled. She turned back at the open door, considering whether or not to risk closing it. "It isn't open very far, and besides, it's so hot in there, it will take awhile for the cool air make a difference."
Sitting down on the cold earth, her thighs and panties getting damp and cold, Kagome quickly slipped on her running shoes and stood up. She didn't want to waste time with stretching. Her body was itching with the desire to run. Her leg muscles tensed, and Kagome took off, feeling exuberant and not wanting to look back.
She ran with her head slightly tilted up, smiling happily. She was giving welcome to the chilled touch of the morning air on her face and loving it, when she ran straight into a solid, but soft wall of red and glowing orange.
Kagome screamed, but even before she did this reflex, her mind acted first. "It's Inuyasha. You don't want to hurt him. Don't be scared."
Unrepelled, Inuyasha grabbed her and quickly covered her still-screaming mouth with his hand.
"SSSH!" he hissed loudly. "Do you want to wake up every fucking beast in the forest and the entire village?!" She shook her head under his hand, indicating a "no."
He kept his hand on her mouth as he said "Why the fuck did you even try that, stupid girl! I told you, I'm coming with you wherever you go. Do you understand me, bitch!"
Oh, she understood, she understood that right now, he was a big asshole. An asshole with eyes that happened to be scaring the shit out of her and a cold voice threatening in her ear.
Kagome's panic wasn't rational, it was something more base, almost instinctual. She bit his hand, hard.
"Ow!" Damn it Kagome!" he hissed, as he drew his hand back.
Kagome knew she couldn't get away from him without activating the spell, and her mind was blocking that from happening with all the restraining miko power she had.
"Inuyasha, quick!" she whispered, "Behind you!"
Not sensing anything, he still released her and turned. She darted past him, driven only by her urge to flee.
She had no idea what her little trick had done to him, how angering him now had excited him to a dangerous level, making his instinctive desire to give chase to an elusive female stronger than her own desire to run.
He gave her just enough of a head start to allow his own anticipation to build, and then came after her, his demon-blood surging with power. The urge to pursue his chosen mate was overriding any of his human thoughts or senses. He gave chase unaware of his eyes changing from light orange to dark, rimmed in deepest red that was threatening to bleed through and dominate.
She ran in the darkness with only the dim light of the stars and a thin, crescent moon to guide her. What she thought would be a run for pleasure, felt more like a run for her life. She was running in darkness and more than once she stumbled, was cut by low branches in many places. She was beyond reason as the darkness, the knowledge of being chased, and the running triggered a recent memory that wasn't real, but from her dreams. She felt the forest closing in on her, threatening to crush her.
Cold stone. Cold stone.
The blood from her scratches reached his nose and his hairs stood on end, and somehow, was enough to get through the haze of his raging desire to hunt prey.
'Damn it, she's hurt!. Just wait till I get my hands on her!' At first he was driven to pursuit by his own anger mixed with desire, a dangerous combination. Whatever game she was playing by trying to get away from him, he wasn't going to tolerate. Now something else hit his senses–her fear. It was rolling off her in waves, and the wake of it hit him strongly. He slowed down only imperceptibly as his mind shifted from anger to concern.
'She's so scared. Why? Am I the reason she's afraid?' These thoughts made him feel miserable. His desire to catch her was not lessened, but changed to more-human motivation. 'How could she ever think I would hurt her?' He remembered their last argument, before she went to the springs, and her parting words came back with a fresh force:
". . . . You just leave me the hell alone, Inuyasha," I don't want you near me, understand!"
Was it possible that she was still angry with him about that after all? She didn't act angry after she woke up from her nightmare, but what else could make her act this way?
She stumbled over a gnarled root and winced in pain. She knew she had to re-gain her momentum fast, something was closing in on her and once caught, there would be no escape.
He grabbed her from behind and held her forcefully. As she let out a gasp of fear, he said her name, trying to sound calmer than he felt. The fear he felt from her was growing, and its force was affecting him too, causing him to shiver and hold on tighter.
"Kagome please stop this!" he said again. Then he felt himself expelled from her spirit-boundary with explosive force.
'Hell! Here we go again!' he thought, bracing himself for a painful impact. But the impact never came. Once thrown past her barrier, he felt her project her own energy to shield him. His back made contact with a massive tree slower than natural. His air was forced back out of his lungs and he felt a twinge of pain in his lower back, but he should have brought the tree down with the force of the impact.
'She's using her miko powers to protect me from Michael's charm! Scared as she is, she still doesn't want to hurt me!' he thought with amazement.
If she was this scared, so scared that it triggered the spell when he touched her, and yet she protected him, what did that mean? 'It's not me she's afraid of. It's something else.'
She began running again, sore from her nearly-twisted ankle, the bumps and scratches, and the stitch in her side and calves from running too fast.
He followed her. Knowing where she was going he stayed back from her barrier, but still close enough to protect her from unexpected threats. He hoped that if Kagome didn't feel like he was chasing her anymore, she might slow down. He was worried about her really hurting herself.
Below him, Kagome ran on, her eyes stinging with tears. She could think of only one thing: 'I have to get away from him. If I'm near him, it will take him. I can't let it hurt him!'
He was relieved to see that he was right, she was slowing down, going at a more regular pace like he had seen her run yesterday morning. Once again, she approached the river.
'Please don't let the stupid wench dive in again!' he prayed to whatever gods might be listening.
When she reached the water's edge this time, she stopped. After walking back and forth, pacing like a trapped animal for several minutes while her heart rate slowed, she allowed herself to drop to a sitting position in the grass before lying down on her stomach by the water's edge, her head lying on her arms.
He approached cautiously, he didn't want to upset her, but it bothered him that she was shutting him out again, lying in the cold, dark grass rather than under warm blankets next to him where he wanted her to be. He called out before getting close so as not to surprise her.
"Kagome, taking a nap in wet grass? This is almost as good an idea as your 'swim' yesterday," he smirked. She didn't turn, but he could tell by the way her body tensed slightly that she heard him and at least wasn't going to be startled again, provoking them both. He came beside her and crouched down.
Her head was facing the grass, still resting on her folded arms. He knew she heard him and watched as her back rose and fell while her breathing and heart rate continued to slow. It bothered him that she gave no sign of recognition or caring that he was with her.
"Hey!" he said after several minutes of feeling shut-out, "Why the hell did you bolt back there?"
At first the only indication that she gave that she heard him at all was a slight stiffening, then she gave a deep sigh, finally turning her head on her side to face him. He could smell her tears before he saw them, which immediately caused his aggravation with her to lessen and his concern to deepen. Without thinking, he brushed his palm over her glossy hair and let it slip to the nape of her neck, where he rubbed slow, gentle circles.
He closed his eyes and took in a swift, steadying breath. Her scent, strongly female in its mixture of sweat and the fragrance of her soap and shampoo, enticed him.
He was SO aware of her body as he glanced down at her-- her petite frame, the lovely curves of her round breasts, her sweet indentation of her waist and her deliciously flat stomach, the way her hips flared ever so slightly, the creamy skin of her tight thighs, the promise of what was nestled between them. He wanted her, all of her, to belong to him.
When had he become so damn focused on her?
'When I realized I loved her. . . .no, before that,' he chided himself. Long before. Both sides of his nature, demon and human, desired nothing more now than to show her exactly how he felt, to comfort her and melt away the remaining tension in her small, curvy body.
"Inuyasha I'm so sorry. I, I just had to get out for awhile. I can't really explain it," she said, dropping her voice and her eyes. "I'm sorry I bit you. Does it hurt?"
He actually laughed. Of all the demons and animals he had to fight over the years and of all the bites he had been on the receiving end of, Kagome's surprised him the most.
"Maybe I should just bite you back so you can find out for yourself how it feels, wench!" he teased. It was an attempt to reestablish some normalcy, the regular banter that existed between them.
She looked back up and gave a smirk of her own. "Maybe you better let me see it. Human bites can be really nasty. There are more germs in a person's mouth than in a dog –"she stopped mid-word, a deep blush crawling up her face as her hand flew to cover her offending mouth.
Inuyasha raised an amused eyebrow at her. "Hmph! I could have told you that. Nothing stinks as bad as human breath, especially a human's breath right after they wake-up."
His eyes sparkled merrily. He enjoyed throwing that little insult her way, knowing no retaliatory 'sit' would come from it.
Kagome's eyes widened and her mouth opened as she realized he just told her she reeked of morning breath.
"BITE ME!" she said, sneering in an exact replica of her "I-hate-you-Sota" look.
As soon as it slipped out, she realized her mistake.
'Oh shit. Wrong imagry. Wrong situation. Wrong dog-demon.' She felt the hot blush spread to the roots of her hair.
Looking at her face as she realized what she just said to him, a truly evil grin spread across the hanyou's face.
"Inuyasha–I–"
Too late. He grabbed her arms and flipped her onto her back in an instant. Before she could respond, he covered her with his the force of his body. Leaning his head close to hers and still grinning wickedly, he gave a husky whisper, breathing hotly in ear.
"WHERE?" he asked.
Keeping her arms pinned, he lifted his face to take in her reaction. He had meant it as a teasing come-back of his own, although not without a potential threat if she did something really, really stupid to provoke him. That's when he saw it. The way she way laying, her arms pinned, the collar of her shirt twisted slightly to the side, revealing the lovely, smooth juncture skin at the base of her neck.
'Shit. Look at that! This is what you've been wanting. It would be so easy to just mark her now and take her. . . . WHAT? Are you some kind of idiot?! Do you want her to hate you?! No, but she's the one who said. . . . FOOL! You know THAT'S not what she meant!'
He shook off the strong tug at his impulses, but still felt deeply satisfied seeing her wide-eyed shock and re-heated blush. But then as she squirmed ever-so-slightly, trying to twist her body away from him, the rubbing pressure. . . .
'Oh Gods!' It was all he could do to suppress a groan.
Kagome gasped and looked up at him, eyes saucer-wide as the evidence of his arousal pressed through his clothing. He knew she was aware of him now--of his state and hers. He watched her, dreading to see and sense the impending panic returning to her. But Kagome didn't try to flee. She didn't move. She barely breathed, though he could hear and feel her heart pounding wildly beneath him.
He knew if she really wanted to get away she had power at her disposal. Unless she used the spell to expel him from her boundary, however, he knew his own strength could easily overpower her. But he never wanted to or imagined doing that to her, not again. Still ,the fact that she was not struggling now gave him an additional measure of—what?
First amusement, then confusion, and then, hope. She didn't really want to get away from him, now did she?
Their eyes locked as they stared intently at each other, one beat, two beats, three beats. . . .
Sexual tension virtually crackled the air around them, promising to explode at any second in a burst of heat and desire that Inuyasha could almost taste, almost hear--that is, until another sound reached in his ears, stunning him into disbelief.
Kagome began laughing, laughing so much that her abdomen gently shook and her eyes closed.
He should have expected it. Whatever the least likely and appropriate response was to any situation, Kagome would have it. Heaving a deep sigh, he released her arms and moved himself to a sitting position beside her, watching her, as she kept laughing, closing her tearing eyes as the situation became even funnier to her.
He felt a quick surge of shame, embarrassment, and felt his anger begin to return. Was she laughing at him?
She sat up beside him, catching her breath.
"Oh Inuyasha! You and I—We—Oh the hell with it! You're still a jerk."
"And you're still a damn idiot. You asked for a bite. You're lucky I don't give you one, you fucking-well deserve it!" He said, sounding more annoyed than he truly felt.
She slowed her breathing down to slow pants, and with a wide smile and looking at him through tearing eyes, said, "Inuyasha, I'm sorry. You're right."
"Again, Kagome."
"Huh?" she replied, baffled.
"Say those words again, slower this time."
She looked up at him and rolled her eyes before saying "Inuyasha. I am sorry. You are right." She met his eyes and tried to sneer but it came out as a grin anyway. "There! I said it, TWICE. I hope this won't make you impossible to live with from now on!"
He thought about her words, wondering at the possibilities.
'Does she mean that she wants to live with me?' He forced himself to not dwell on this interpretation, although a rush of vivid pictures surged through his mind—happy pictures of himself and Kagome, lying in each other's arms, living together, mated, a child in her arms—
'Whoa! STOP right there!'
Suddenly sobering, he looked down at her and said, "Tell me why."
She looked at him, puzzled.
"Why did you run from me?" he asked.
Kagome looked up at his eyes, suddenly so serious, almost sad.
She knew he wasn't forcing her, but in his own gruff way, asking her to let him in. Inuyasha her dear friend. No matter how insensitive he could be, both in battle and talking by starlight, he had shown her his gentle side. She loved him so much, she hurt. It was not the dull ache of a painful memory, an echo of a long-buried feeling, but fresh and raw, new all over again. Two years plus five hundred more of distance had only intensified what she felt for him when she left, so rash, so young.
Breathing in his unique scent of fresh woods and pure male strength she realized she was experiencing a painfully familiar feeling. For the first time in years she felt truly, completely content. It was, she thought, a breathtaking revelation. Happiness, true happiness, was dazzlingly simple. For a heartbeat, she allowed herself to close her eyes and cling to the moment.
Earlier, when he was on top of her and close, way too close, she felt him. She FELT him, and panicked. She had wanted to reach up and bury her hands in his silken hair, to pull him closer and loose herself in his mouth, his touch, his taste, his feel.
She couldn't. No. Even if he was temporarily confused—alright, even if he was a little in lust with her—it was just a normal physical response. Not love. 'I'm not who he wants, not really.'
Her rapidly numbing brain had reminded her body of that fact just in time.
As always, she used laughter as her cover. Laughter wasn't the best medicine, as her mother had been so fond of saying. It was just a place to hide.
The exhilaration of their earlier closeness had set her on edge, but the warmth of his nearness did what it always did, it burned away everything cold, everything dark. He was here and that was enough. She was filled with a sense of the sublime bitter-sweet beauty that was their friendship, feeling like she would remember this night and carry it with her into her future, a future without him.
". . . .Without him. . . ." her mind repeated. She unconsciously dug her fingers into the grass, pulling out a wet clump in her tightly-clutched fist. Suddenly, she had to suppress the urge to scream, to run. She looked down and closed her eyes. Inuyasha could tell immediately something was wrong again. The fear, that god-damned fear was back, her odor was covered in it, she was practically drowning right her in front of him.
"Inuyasha," she said, holding her eyes closed and keeping her head down, "tell me what you see in my hand," she said, opening her hand, slowly. "Oh dear God, Let it not be!"
He looked down at her white-knuckled hand, truly perplexed. "What's going on with her? Is she loosing her mind?" With the fear coming off her and her odd behavior he was getting more concerned by the second.
"Grass. Grass and dirt," he said.
She breathed a shaky sigh of relief. "Good! Good, good, good. It isn't real. I feel wet sand here, I smell salt water, but it isn't real. It's just, it's just something in my head. Push it away. It's not real."
"Kagome, what the hell is going on with you?" he asked. It was a demand, not a question.
She opened her eyes and looked up at him weakly. "I think I'm just having some after-effects from that last dream is all. I think it's why I wanted to run, even run away from you."
He looked at her, his concern now sharply focused. She was remembering more about the dreams. This was important. "Why, what happened in the dream. Was I chasing you? Is that why you were afraid of me?"
She shook her head sharply and looked sincerely into his eyes. "No!" she said shaking her head in adamant denial. "I was never afraid of you. I, I was afraid FOR you. I needed to get away before. . . .I needed to keep you safe."
This stunned him. He couldn't believe what she was saying. "She ran to protect ME? From what?" his mind asked. "This actually makes some sense. . . .She wanted to protect me–I saw it earlier when she wouldn't let the protection spell slam me into a tree, and now she says it's the reason she was running. She was trying to protect ME. What does it mean, what was her dream about??"
"Kagome, what the hell are you talking about? Was something really chasing you? Is that why you were running?" If something was endangering her again she couldn't keep it from him. He filled with sudden dread.
Again she shook her head. "No, I didn't feel anything chasing me, I just, I needed to run, that's all. It was only when I was outside the hut that I had this sensation–no memory really, from my dream. That's what was getting to me, making me want to run, not you. Never you Inuyasha."
His eyes met her meaningful gaze. "Never you Inuyasha," she had said. She was reassuring him, telling him that she trusted him. He was, he admitted, more than a little pleased to see her obvious concern for his feelings, but the implications of her dream still bothered him.
"Tell you what you remember."
She closed her eyes. "It's not much. Only, only–"
"Yes–"he prodded.
"For just a second there, I thought I we were at the ocean, not the river. I felt wet sand in my hand, not grass. In my dream there was wet sand. I remember that. I was on a beach, in the rain."
He looked at her trying to take in this information and what it could mean. He wondered if this was a memory from her time, a vacation that she had taken at the beach when she was younger. He remembered her speaking of this. His brow furrowed in concern. No, that couldn't be it. She wasn't afraid then, and she was definitely afraid now. What was behind that fear? He had a dreaded sense that Naraku had to be behind this, but what happened in the dream? He knew even if she didn't remember, there were people who could interpret dreams. Maybe Kaede could help. He decided later to ask her. If he could find her, Kikyo might be able to help too, but would she want to? He frowned again, unsure of the un-dead miko's feelings now and if she would be willing to help. His better instincts flared in warning. No, asking Kikyo was probably not a good idea.
He took in a deep breath and folded his arms across his chest.
How many times had Kagome seen him in this "stubborn Inuyasha" pose? She tried hard not to crack a smile as she glanced at him, sideways. This was his no-verbal way of communicating everything from mild annoyance with humans to supreme aggravation, and letting all others know it was HE who was unchallengeable in masculine control and domination.
But this was the pose he also struck when he needed to cover deeper emotions, painful ones. At those times, her heart ached to see him like this and know that what she most desperately wanted to happen never would. If she could just go to him. Comfort him. If he would just accept it. . . .
She was started at of her reflections when she heard his deep voice, his resolve clear.
"Kagome, whatever the hell you're dealing with, you're not pushing me away again, understand?"
Before she could answer he continued swiftly, matter-of-factly. "No more nonsense about you protecting me. I protect you. You won't go anywhere without me, and I'm not going to tolerate any more of your stupid attempts to slink off in the night."
"Inuyasha—you have no right to tell me what I may do and what I won't!" she stormed, rounding on him.
He grabbed her by the shoulders, eyes narrow and keenly focused.
"I have every right. I have that right because I care about what happens to you. I'm going to keep you, Kagome— safe."
This last word he managed to squeeze out after a heavy pause.
Watching him now, her head was spinning. She wasn't sure how he had managed to dissolve her anger so quickly, but he had. Maybe it was because he used her name, and not the more likely tags of "bitch" or "stupid bitch." Maybe it was because he said he cared. It wasn't the same as saying love. . . 'hell,' she thought 'not even close.' Still, his intensity conveyed something, and instead of feeling insulted by his domineering tone, she felt truly cared about. Maybe she wasn't the great love of his close-to-immortal life, but, she realized that maybe, just maybe, she meant more to him than she ever fully appreciated.
'What?' she wondered. 'If not love, then . . . . the deepest kind of plutonic love?' She wanted to wrinkle her nose at that idea. 'I already have a brother and a big-and-bad guardian protector back home. I also have a man who I admire but excites me as much as a can of Spam,' she thought, and then quickly blushed, shamed by her own cold bottom-line assessments. What she wanted was. . . .'Oh hell,' she thought. 'Here I go, round the dog-demon carousel again.'
She looked up at him, trying to will back her latest flush of color. He was breathtaking. His eyes, his heartbreakingly handsome, stern face, his silken silver hair. The very sight of him moved her beyond reason.
Despite her latest bout of Inuyasha-induced insanity, she hadn't felt so cared about since she was a small child with her father.
Since there was nothing else she could do, she gave a happy smile and leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly.
This surprised him, threatening his emotional resolve. He tried to pull away from her because he wanted to be clear with her, to be sure she understood this was not negotiable.
"Kagome, I mean it. You can't push me away. You need to tell me what your're feeling so I can keep you safe."
She returned his gaze and still smiling but serious, nodded and said "I will. Thank you Inuyasha. I never feel safer than I do with you. But I never want anything to happen to you either. I intend to keep you
safe too."
The clear intensity of her feelings startled him. He scanned her eyes, felt the truth of her feelings and felt his chest constrict with emotion. He remembered what she said at the springs about his happiness coming above all else for her, and now she was saying this to him, that she felt safer with him than with anyone else, "that must include Michael," he thought shocked
'Gods, Kagome! How have you done this to me so quickly? I love you, want you, so damn much. Could it be–is it possible I still have a chance?'
She reached back to hug him again, but he caught her in his arms and pulled her face to his, her mouth to his. The movement was sudden, but his lips met hers in a surprisingly soft embrace. She didn't fight the sensation of him, but gave herself up to the kiss, kissing him back. He couldn't believe it—this was real, this was mutual, and this was definitely NOT friendship.
How exciting and natural this felt, and as she responded to him, pulling him closer, his own excitement rose, making him quicken and deepening the kiss. His tongue scanned her soft lips, teasing and asking for entrance. Slowly her lips parted, allowing his tongue to brush across her lips, her own tongue responding, coming to meet the tip of his as his fang tips lightly brushed her bottom lip, sending her body into shivers of pleasure. In mid-kiss, before their tongues met, she pulled back, panting, forcing herself not to look at him, knowing if she did she would never be able to pull back again.
He looked at her, startled by the abruptness of her stopping the kiss first and then by her eyes. As she opened them, he saw them shift quickly from staggering white-blue to her own natural deep violet.
He tried to suppress a gasp, his fingers curled in a reflex all their own, wanting to grasp Tetsiga. "What's happening to her? What the hell does that color mean?" It disturbed him immensely, and he couldn't help but feel that something was threatening her. She seemed oblivious to the change. Whatever was happening to her, it wasn't like when she was focusing her energy. That she said she could feel. When her eyes changed now, she wasn't even aware of it.
Her eyes her own again, she looked at him "Inuyasha, NO!" she panted. "We can't do this! I'm sorry I let that happen. I shouldn't have. . . ." She looked down, and he could feel his heart constricting again. She definitely was responding to him, there was no mistaking the powerful scent of arousal coming from her, the passion in her voice even now. Why was she pushing him away? Now that she was aware of his feelings, had she changed hers afterall?
'Did you ever really think she could accept you as you are? Do you think she's willing to give herself to a half-breed such as yourself?' His mind grasped first at these familiar thoughts of self-loathing. These feelings had become almost conditioned responses in his thinking. He started to chock back his own welling emotions of anger and embarrassment when his consciousness fought back--
'Wait! She told you she had fallen in love with you before she left. She admitted that the first day you saw her again. It was why she left, she loved you and you made a vow to Kikyo. She chose you first, but you pushed her away. You're being a hanyou isn't her problem, shit-for-brains! Remember what she said to Sango? She still doesn't trust your feelings. She thinks it's Kikyo you really want and you gave her every reason to believe it. Hell, you tried to believe it yourself. You have to tell her how you feel if you want even a chance.'
He stood up feeling shaky. His emotions were confusing him, sending him conflicting instructions. When she said "no" he felt first a rush of miserable guilt for taking an unwanted kiss from her. Then he felt more confusion and a small glimmering of hope as her thought about her undeniable responses to him and the things she had said before. Thinking about what he overheard at the springs and felt another twinge of guilt. 'I know more about how she feels from eavesdropping than from anything she's told me! I need to ask her.'
"Why, Kagome? Tell me why we can't do this."
Kagome saw the emotions flicker across his face as she took in his question. She saw pain, hurt, embarrassment, and felt her own heart break for what she was doing to him. This was her fault, not his. Someone he loved and missed terribly was out of his reach for now. Another woman, an almost exact copy of his love, was now kissing and hugging him every chance she got. It would be enough to confuse any man, and for a man who was half- demon, with stronger instincts, this kind of confusion could spell disaster.
She stood up and nervously tugged at the corner of her shirt before folding her arms protectively across her chest. Facing him she took a deep breath and began speaking.
"Inuyasha," she began, "what happened just now, what's been happening, I realize why it's been happening," she said, her voice a little too thin to sound as calm as she would have liked. She was going to stay firm, detached.
'remember your substitute-teacher voice,' her mind called, willing her to remember the five days of sheer hell she spent filling in for Sota's math teacher at his junior high.
He looked up at her in surprise. What would she say now? He waited expectantly for her to continue.
"I think we've both been caught up in emotional transference. We are both separated from our significant others and it's only natural." There. Plainly stated. Now they could deal with it.
He looked at her like she grew a third eye. "Kagome, what the hell are you talking about?!"
'Okay, so the cool, intellectual approach didn't work. How about this–'
"Look, I'm sorry I've been giving you the wrong signals. The truth is I miss Paul. I have been behaving in inappropriate ways for a woman about to be married, and I've confused you. I've been showing you more physical affection than usual because I miss Paul. I didn't mean to hurt you or use you, but that's no excuse. I'm really sorry and I promise, I'm not going to let it happen again."
After a couple minutes of awkward silence, Inuyasha looked back at her.
"Bullshit."
"I beg your pardon."
"You heard me, woman. That's a load of bullshit."
"Inuyasha, what the hell do you mean by that?!" An angry blush spread across Kagome's face as the light of daybreak filled the sky.
"You don't love him."
"I do."
"No you don't"
"YES I DO! I LOVE PAUL! I love Paul and only Paul. No one else. I'm marrying Paul. I'm–
Kagome looked down at her hand, horrified. She let out a low moan.
"NOO!"
"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHAT NOW?!"
"MY RING! I've lost my ring! Oh Inuyasha! It was loose! I knew it was too loose to wear! Stupid, Stupid! I have to go back to Kaede's to look for it right now!"
Inuyasha couldn't help but smirk. 'Serves her right!' He thought about what she just said, what he heard her say earlier to Sango:
". . . . Maybe it would be easier if I just told him that he was right and that I have chosen to marry Paul. I as much as told him that when I was yelling at him anyway. . . . "
'Hmph!' he snorted to himself, 'She's lying. I know she is. I was there when she came up with this little plan. I'm going to tell her I know that's she's just saying this to avoid me. The human is her excuse, that's all.'
'. . . . But this time she actually said she loves him. She said it twice. Her heart-rate was up like she was nervous again, but she wouldn't lie about something like that. She wouldn't go as far as saying THAT if she didn't mean it, would she?. . . '
Inuyasha was broken out of his reflections by a near-hysterical Kagome. "Inuyasha Please! Please take me back to Kaede's right away! I just have to find it!"
He looked at her, thinking about what he wanted to say, what he wanted to ask her, and underneath, feeling his stomach constrict with nerves at the very thought of it. If this was the truth, he wanted and needed to find out before he said anything else.
"Fine wench! Hang on!"
Kagome climbed on his back and held on tight as Inuyasha took off with her. Behind him, she inhaled deeply, the calming, warm scent of him. She couldn't help but think about that last kiss. Holding him, she remembered what it felt like to be in his arms only moments before tasting him, her heart's deepest longings and desires finally coming true. It was a thousand times better than she ever imagined, and knowing this, she felt a mixture of excitement and sadness. 'I know I'll never have his love. I hope I at least can always have his friendship, I hope when the time comes, I'll be able to accept it this time.'
In front, Inuyasha felt her responses to him and raised an eyebrow, wondering what was making her give off such an odd-mixture of scents and subtle changes in movement. Inside his own chest, there was a tingle of excitement in thinking that maybe it was him she was thinking of now, him and no other.