From eternity on. It was almost a pledge. From eternity on. We both knew it on our hearts. From eternity on. We would always love one another.
Kanan.
I tried to do it. I tried to save you, to protect you, to shelter you. I sacrificed everything for you, even my humanity. I would have given up my life for you, and I did, in more ways than one.
I can recall the haphazard killing spree easily. I can recall those mangled, bloody corpses lying on the ground. Such blatant disregard for life of any kind. I did it all only for you. I did it all in vain. I remember standing there, covered in blood, as you brought my knife, already so stained with blood, to you pale and slender throat. There was nothing I could do as you, the other half of my life, my reason for life, killed yourself without a second thought. Looking back, I can't help but wonder why you didn't recoil in fear at the sight of me, but no, you smiled a smile so full of despair that my heart almost burst, and then you killed yourself, spattering blood all over the walls and onto myself. The bitter irony of it all still hurts.
I'm not really what I was anymore, am I?
Sacrifice has changed me in subtle ways. At first I wanted to die. At first, I still held a blatant disregard for life in general, and my life specifically. Egotistical of me, isn't it? I thought I deserved Hell, after killing so many so recklessly.
How could I not have seen how precious life was, especially after I had just lost yours.
I hate watching others suffer. I hate leading this life. I can't stand it when people die, or feel pain around me. Pain reminds me of you. That's how I remember you, Kanan. I remember you because of pain.
Something deep inside of myself won't allow me to heal. Something deep within keeps on holding me to your memory. Even when confronted with vestiges of a distant past, even when overcoming such vestiges, I can't help but long for you. I could never save you. I can replay the scene a thousand upon a thousand times in my head, and I still wouldn't be able to save you, but still, I thought there might be a chance to save him.
Even as he rips me apart, I long to save this innocent kid. Even as you ripped me apart I longed to save you as well.
Life's an eternally vicious circle, isn't it?
Kanan...
Author Note: Oh dear, I haven't updated in an eternity! (laughs at the irony) Anyway, for anyone who's wondering, this one was Hakkai. I really hope that was obvious.
Pervasive Threnody: Well, I have continued. I hope you like this as well
Keistje: yep, you're exactly right. This is their thoughts during that time. The 5th DVD, I know, I'm not sure when in the manga.
Kanzeon Bosatsu: Hakkai is my favorite, and I like Sanzo well enough, anyway, long live Hakkai.
guess who!i finally got ff to work on my cpu: Okay, I've written more. Happy?