This chapter is dedicated to Jour Wall—Thanks for your kind comments and words of encouragement. Good luck this semester with your classes!
Authors Notes: Yes, I'm back posting! Since the last chapter, I graduated, took a part time job, and have finished the first three chapters of a vampire romance (yeah me)! Life is busy/good, but I have missed this story and refuse to leave it forever unfinished.
This is a LONG chapter—K & I have a lot to say to each other, so there's not much action, but dialogue. Since I haven't posted in so long and couldn't really find a clean place to break this, I just decided to leave it as it is. Speaking of action. . . I have come to a difficult decision—this is the last chapter I will post on ffnet. Since this is an adult romance with adult content, I'm moving the entire story (including all future chapters) to mediaminer. "Lemons" don't drive this story, and the story is not just a vehicle or frame for sex scenes, but, sex is a natural progression in romantic fiction as it is in a real life romantic relationship. Since this will be more NC17 than R eventually and I don't want to be censored, I'll censor myself first. If I have the time to edit the chapters, I may later repost here, but I don't really see a good reason to do this. The lemons I have read in fanfiction (the really good ones) are not shocking and no more graphic than any good Nora Roberts, Chirsitine Feehan, etc. (Ever wonder why no one cards readers who check out romance novels at the library or purchases them at Barnes and Noble?—let's hope it never comes to that!) Anyway, it is this tradition of romance writers I hope to learn from and emulate in my own writing eventually.
If you have any questions/serious comments about the story, please e-mail me and I'll write you back! I hope you enjoy this chapter and pick it up on the new site. Since this chapter was so long it may be a week or two before the next one.
All my best, BB
Chapter 24 Breakthrough
There wasn't a sound and time seemed to stop. Feeling like she would drown in the gulf of silence following her admission, Kagome gazed down at the ground, despondent. A sound rushed into her ears, her body, quick and harsh as Inuyasha let out a ragged breath. She realized suddenly he hadn't breathed, hadn't moved since she had answered his question. Drawing in her own shaky breath, she raised her head, wanting, trying to meet his eyes, to somehow find a way forward. Her eyes connected with his, startled by the coldness they conveyed. In one fluid movement, Inuyasha's arms snatched her tight and she let out a sharp gasp. With his forceful jump, she was lifted off the ground with barely enough air to breathe, let alone try to speak. She felt herself flying, carried over deep woods, and back to the clearing by the river's edge. She had the somber thought that this river had come to symbolize much in these last few days with Inuyasha—urgency, fear, renewal, hope, and now, surely, baptism by fire.
As he landed, Inuyasha held her so tightly she felt lightheaded and saw dark spots dancing at the edges of her eyes. Just as she thought she would have to try to draw on the charm's powers or her own to get him to release her, he slackened his pressure on her ribcage slightly.
"Don't you dare pass out," he thought. He wanted her awake.
At the water's edge now, he released her, pushing her away.
She felt her knees buckle underneath her and was emotionally and mentally drained by her sense of guilt and loss. She stumbled, but before she fell to the grass he caught her arms and held her up, waiting for her eyes to meet his.
When she looked up at him, the heat of anger that flashed in his eyes when he released her was gone, replaced again by distant control. Looking into pools of gold, the eyes that could ignite so many fires in her soul, she saw past his anger, saw his pain. She didn't think she could feel worse, but she did.
"Was I wrong to bring her back with me? Can she bear to be separated from him and be here with me?" These thoughts caused him as much pain as a defeating blow.
"Kagome," he said, looking away from her, "if you miss him that much, if you want to see him, say it. I'll take you back. I'll take you back to him now."
He said it softy, his voice was muted by the pain in his chest.
She had the strongest urge to reach up and touch his cheek with her hand, to stroke his hair.
"God! I'd give anything to make this better, to not see him so hurt by me!"
"I didn't–I don't want to go home because I miss Michael. I needed to ask him a question and it couldn't wait. I need to find something out, and I need his help to do it. I'm so sorry, I just acted on instinct, I couldn't wait."
As he listened, he sensed no lie in her scent or heart rate, and his resignation receded and his anger rose.
"What the hell kind of a stupid reason is that for doing what you did Kagome?! If you really just wanted to ask him a question we could have gone to your time and come back in a couple of hours."
"But that's it, Inuyasha-- This couldn't wait a couple of hours! I needed Michael to start working on this right away," she said, meeting his angry gaze in desperation to make him understand.
"Why?" he said. "No more games, Kagome. Tell me what was so damn important you almost died for!" He looked at her, his stunning eyes filled with pain and, to her sorrow, an edge of distrust. "Can you explain it, or am I just too stupid, too primitive to understand?"
She took in a sharp breath and closed her eyes in sorrow. She didn't want to tell him, not about this. The suspected dread had been waiting at the edges of her mind for days now, but to voice it aloud, to say it to Inuyasha made it horribly, sickeningly real.
"I–I can't do this," she said, turning away. "I can't say this to you."
A new wave of pain crashed in on Inuyasha. He felt as if her very words could eviscerate him, and he just wanted it done. Clearly she didn't want to hurt him, but by not wanting to, she was hurting him worse.
"Just say it Kagome. I need to hear the words." he said flatly.
She shuddered at his icy tone and gave voice to her dark, formless fear. "I need to know what happens to the demons in my time. I need to find out about your future, what happens to you in my time."
"What?" he said, baffled.
He wasn't sure he had heard her correctly. Whatever he thought he was prepared for, this wasn't it.
She was speaking again, letting out, the worst of her fears. "Why, in the two years that I was apart from you, did I never once meet your future self? I looked for you in my time, I tried to find you so many times. I was going to tell you how sorry I was about the way I left, but I never found you. I couldn't feel you anywhere. Did you--do you move Inuyasha? Did you move with your entire family and every other demon in this time as well? Where did you all go? Did you die Inuyasha?" she asked, tears now slowly trickling down her cheek, "Did you die?"
He was completely awestruck. "Kagome, how the hell can I know where I live or even if I life in 500 years! I can't see into the future."
"Exactly! I can't either, but I live there! As long as demons and half-demons live, what is it, hundreds or is it thousands years–how come I never, ever, once ran into any of you? Why haven't I seen or felt no more than half a dozen demons in modern Japan since I've known of their existence?"
Realization struck him like a physical force. Michael wasn't the reason for what she did, he was.
Stunned, his breath whistled as he pulled it in, trying to gather his thoughts. Even shaken and angry, he still wanted to find a way to calm her and to make her see that there was no reason to fear for him.
This is what is was all about? Finding out what happened to demons?
Kagome was ragged with emotional fatigue. Without preamble, Inuyasha moved to close the distance between them and pulled her close. She was so grateful to feel him close to her again, she closed her eyes and just stood still. Holding her, he allowed his emotions, a swirling sea, to calm in her scent.
He thought about how she looked now, how she felt rigid in his arms with the tears he knew she was trying to hold back. She was so vulnerable, so fragile, and yet, so strong. All her fear and worry.
He didn't understand why she was so scared for him. It was true, he realized, that there weren't many demons in Kagome's time. There were these new spirit-things that she and Michael had spoken of, but over the last four years he had felt few demons in her time and seen less.
"Kagome's so worried. . . What does it mean?"
As he held her, he felt his own eyes sting and blinked back the unbidden tears as he buried his face in the top of her head, inhaling the fresh, light scent of her hair. He pulled her back only far enough to make her look at him, and to show her he was still angry, a deep, low growl rumbled in his chest before he spoke. "This is the reason you did the most stupid thing I've ever know you to do? You wanted to know what happened to all the demons?! Why couldn't it wait?"
"Because--" she said, looking down at grass.
He put his hand under her chin and lifted it, forcing her eyes meet to his. Kagome took a deep breath and continued.
"Because whatever happened in my time to the demons happens now, in this time. I don't know how I know that Inuyasha, but I do. I feel it–this terrible, horrible sense that it's coming. Something bad is going to happen very soon, and I have to know what it is. I don't know if this has anything to do with Naraku, or the nightmares I've been having, but I have to stop it from happening. I won't let anything happen to you, I'll stop it, whatever it takes. I just have to find out as much as I can first." She stopped talking and shuddered involuntarily. She wanted everything to go away, to block out these thoughts she had tried to push away and knew she now had to face.
Inuyasha watched her, and once again the feeling of vertigo and disorientation that he felt with her the first day back at her apartment returned. There were so many feelings and thoughts rushing through him, he clenched and unclenched his fists as he tried to grasp hold of something he could understand. "How in the hell am I supposed to understand? I don't know what I should do now. . . . I have to find a way to sort this out, all of it."
He felt some relief that her senseless act was not caused by a desperate desire to be with Michael again, but he had been so scared, holding her, watching her struggle through the dream, holding her as she almost died in his arms.
"I don't think I'll ever forget what she looked like last night, trapped by that dream demon. . . "
He didn't want to feel this anger, but he couldn't let go of it, not when the fear of loosing her was still so fresh.
"Kagome," he said, narrowing his eyes and speaking through gritted teeth, "I don't give a damn why in the seven hells you felt you had to do it, it was the stupidest thing you've ever done."
She met his eyes as another tear rolled down her pale cheek. "You're right. It was so wrong, so stupid of me to even try it. I've had those pills for almost a year and forgot about them. I've never done anything like that before and won't again, I promise you."
"Good," he said. Taking the small tablet out from his haori and holding it in front of him. His voice was an iron blade. "You're done with this." He crushed the pill into dust in his fingers, and then allowed the powder to fall to the grass. "Why did you even have those pills?"
She looked down again and blushed. This however was not something she felt she needed to lie about now, not after telling him the truth about the reason she needed to talk to Michael.
"Paul gave them to me on the night that he, that we—"
"On the night the son-of-a-bitch tried to mark you," Inuyasha finished, his voice suddenly chillingly flat.
Kagome barely nodded. "Paul knew that people reported heightened sensations of connecting with others, reading others' minds. He wanted us to try it and bought the pills on this trip we took so we could grow closer."
Inuyasha was growling again, thinking of the many places he wanted to make the man bleed for this.
"I told him no, that I didn't want to try anything like that, and it was stupid. I put the pills away so no one else could find them and I forgot about them until I saw them again in my old swimming things," she said.
"So you didn't want to share your mind with him in that way?" he asked.
"No," she shook her head adamantly. "It was too dangerous and I told him that. And, honestly, I didn't want to be that open to someone else . . . . "except you," she thought, as she felt her face warm with the thought. She quickly pushed it back and began speaking again, just to stop the direction her mind was taking her in.
"We both felt awkward after that, so he took out a bottle of wine and asked if we couldn't just have a drink and make up. I don't normally drink either, but I had already hurt him, so I said okay."
"And that's when you got drunk and he took advantage of you and put that damn mark on you," he said, a growl now returning to his voice.
She looked at him wide-eyes "Well, it didn't happen exactly like that, but how did you know?" It unnerved her that he could finish her thoughts this way. "Can he somehow read my mind since I took that pill, or is he just really good at reading me?" She wanted to defend Paul, to say that he just made a mistake too, but she couldn't bring herself to say it.
For a moment, Inuyasha didn't say anything. He was still thinking, trying to figure out what it was he was still missing. He understood that she didn't want to tell him her reasons for taking the drug because she was so afraid something was going to happen to him in the future, and he understood why she wanted Michael's help to find an answer, but he still couldn't piece together why she would do something so reckless.
"You didn't want to take the pills with Paul and knew it was dangerous, but you did it for me?" he asked, his expression and tone a careful neutral.
She looked down, and nodded her assent.
"So would you die for me Kagome?" It wasn't a question, it was an accusation.
"If that's what it took to keep you safe, then yes!" she answered him without hesitation, defiantly. He knew the truth of this beyond her words or scent, he saw its shining conviction in her violet eyes.
A raging blush swept over her face and she felt as if she stood before him now, completely exposed.
He watched her now, a sudden knowledge dawning in him, making his own rate increase to meet hers.
"What she told Sango about my happiness being all she wanted, and now this. . ."
He closed his eyes and took one deep breath to steady his nerves before jumping in and risking something he wasn't sure he was ready to risk. "Kagome, you remember the first day I came back to your time you told me many things that were hard for me to understand because I didn't know about how much time had passed for you?"
"Yes," she said, shaking her head in confusion. "But what's--"
He wasn't going to let her interrupt. "You told me, you said—you said me you loved me before you left. Did you mean it?" He locked his eyes with hers and spoke slowly, daring her to deny the admission.
Nervous and feeling cornered, Kagome's hands tremble. Determined not to be weak now, she forced down her panic.
She hoped she appeared cool as she raised her chin and met his eyes. Her voice was, she hoped detached, haughty even as she answered him, but Inuyasha was listening more to her heart rate than tone of voice.
"Yes, I meant it."
As she said this, glancing away now, a slight smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "But what I said about before I left isn't important now so—"
He cut off her voice by bringing his lips down to hers in a crushing kiss. Holding the back of her head and burying his fingers in the silk of her hair, he held her, kissing her as he had longed to kiss her for days, allowing all his feelings for her to be freed in that kiss. As his fangs grazed her bottom lip she couldn't stop her arms from coming round his neck. Instinctually, his tongue played along bow of her top tip, tasting sweetness, causing her to moan, lean into him and open her mouth further. The lips that had been so hard, so set against her only minutes before were now soft, a luscious offering and fervent taking. His tongue plunged into her mouth and met hers, a quick hot dance.
He tightened his hold on her as he felt his body respond to her mounting scent, to her quickening pulse. He felt himself thicken in need for her and, the knowledge of her own response to him was an excitement pulling him quickly to the edge of a high cliff. Kagome was there, his reason and desire to jump.
As his tongue sucked her own and fangs played little teasing games with the corners of mouth she felt a gathering heat low in her body. He took in her breath and her emotions swirled in her mind in the heavy steam of her passion and sense of awe. This was Inuyasha, holding her, kissing her senseless. She felt the wonder of him, so hard and soft, forceful yet tender. Her body consented, arched and reached for promise of him as her mind interjected--
"I can't do this. I can't have this with him. This isn't real, not for him!"
Uttering a soft moan, she pushed back, broke the kiss, causing his fang to draw blood across her lip as she forced herself away.
"Inuyasha stop!"
He looked at her and growled in aggravation.
"I can't do this with you!" she cried, her voice still weak from the kiss. "I'm sorry! I know I'm confusing you, but I can't do this, it's wrong!" she said, bracing herself and trying to think past the haze of fire in her body and his taste on her lips.
"Why?! Why is it wrong for us Kagome?" he demanded.
"Because! I, I, don't want this with you," she said quickly, her voice higher than usual.
For a moment, his ears flattened as he listened to her words. He felt the stab of rejection cut a fresh opening in an old scar. "If I just accept this, I won't know how she feels about me. If she doesn't want me because of what I am, I need to know." He pushed down the fear and took another risk.
"Kagome," he said, keeping his tone mild, "I can smell when you're excited. You can deny you want me with your words, but not your scent."
As a tidal wave of embarrassment poured over her with his admission, she let out a horrified gasp. Struggling for some kind of control as Inuyasha struggled not hold in a small, self-satisfied smile at her reaction, she retorted with cool reason straight from the pages of mammalian zoology.
"Listen idiot! I may not be able to control my scent when my body is physically. . .
is physically—"
"Aroused?" he supplied helpfully, beginning to enjoy this.
"Yes!" she hissed, "But that doesn't mean it's what I WANT. It's just human biology, an instinct."
"So that's all that was, just an instinct?"
"Yes! Simply an instinctual response." she declared adamantly.
"Okay," he said openly smirking now and closing the distance between them in two strides, "If that's all it was, tell me how many times you've had that kind of 'simply instinctual' response," he demanded, bringing his face within an inch of hers.
Kagome gasped in indignation. "I don't have to answer that Inuyasha! It's none of you're business how many times!"
"Ha! You're afraid to answer!" he said.
"I am NOT!" she denied.
The too-knowing, smug smile he gave angered her and for some reason, frightened her.
"Look, even if I've never felt that way before it doesn't matter. I'm engaged to be married and the only person I WANT to feel that with is the person I want to marry!"
Kagome felt her heart rush through her ears and felt a rush of guilt. She didn't feel good about it, but she would conceal a truth that hit too close with verbal subterfuge.
She looked up, startled to feel his grasp on her arms again and his eyes baring down on her intently. Any trace of a smile was gone now, the look in his eyes almost fierce. Kagome closed her eyes, knowing that her words and actions had caused him more pain.
"Inuyasha—" she began a desperate apology.
He grabbed her hand and forced her palm open, cutting off her words with the shock. She felt something sharp push into her hand and looked down.
She looked down and gasped. "Paul's ring! Oh, where did you find it?"
"At the bottom of the springs," he said. He didn't tell her that it took him five dives to find the damn thing.
Kagome smiled in relief and gratitude, happy not only because she had the ring back, but also because this must mean that Inuyasha accepted what she told him.
"I can't believe you did this! Thank you!" she said. She held the ring in her hand and looked at him, her smile quickly fading as she took in the dangerous look in his eyes.
"Go ahead, Kagome, put it back on," he said, watching her keenly.
"No, it's loose," she said, nervously. " I don't want to lose it again. I'll just put in my pocket," she said, unzipping one of her side-pockets on her walking shorts. She averted her eyes from his, and fidgeted with putting the ring in the pocket and zipping it up. When she was done, he grabbed her round the waist again, surprising her.
A growl he couldn't suppress was voiced under his words. "Tell me again Kagome. Tell me that you love that human," he commanded, his eyes holding hers in a challenge.
Kagome felt his hot breath on her cheek, felt herself begin to shake again.
"Say it!" he demanded.
"Stop it, Inuyasha! I don't have to! You better let go of me. I can't control this charm if I'm scared!" she threatened.
"Kagome," he said her name in three, slow, deliberate syllables as his eyes narrowed. That charm works if you're scared of demons. It can't do a damn thing to help you if scared of yourself."
She met his face, her eyes blazing as she took in quick panting breaths. She was completely trapped and she wanted him to stop pushing her, punishing her with his relentless demands for total disclosure.
"Your heart beats faster when you lie," he told her simply.
"WHAT?!" She struggled in desperate embarrassment as she tried to break free from him learning this.
Inuyasha's patience was gone. One way or another, every secret between them needed to be gone. He needed the truth now, all of it. "Stop it Kagome!" he said, carefully tightening his hold. "Hold still and listen. I know every time you're lying and hiding something just like I know by your scent when you're excited. I'm tired of lies and games Kagome, and now I want the truth from you. Just tell me you love him and say it so I know you're not lying."
"Inuyasha you have no right to force this! I don't owe you this!" As she said it, she heard him growl and realized that once again, her heart rate had increased. She couldn't even lie to him to save herself.
She looked down, and sighed in defeat. She realized he was right. He was owed any truth he asked of her. After all they had been through together, after her promise to him to give him the truth, to give him less would dishonor their friendship and him.
"Inuyasha, please!" she begged.
"Say it."
"Look at me and you say it now,"
She brought her eyes back to his, silently pleading for escape.
"Say it," he commanded in a low, gruff voice.
"I," she began, faltering, She closed her eyes and willed the words to come. "I can't," she whispered.
"You don't love him," he made it a statement, even though it was still a question he needed her to answer.
"No." she said as a tear escaped her eye.
He let out his breath and felt a measure of relief he didn't expect. He held her gently now, hugging him. "Ssh. It's all right now Kagome. Thank you for telling me the truth."
Gentled by his tone, she felt her own relief at the finality of this admission. She looked up into his beautiful eyes, his beautiful face and felt his lips touch hers again. It wasn't a kiss of heat and passion, but of tenderness and gentle comfort. She sighed as she accepted and returned his embrace and his kiss.
Inuyasha slowly broke away, touching his forehead to hers. "Okay, that takes care of the human garbage. Now I just have to get us past the rest of it," he thought.
"Kagome," he began, "There's something I need to confess to you as well, and you're not going to like it" He paused, waiting for her reaction.
Her eyes widened in curiosity, but she didn't pull away.
"I know how and why that human scum marked you because I was at the hot springs last night too."
She let out a sharp breath, but he continued without pause. " I was there, but not to spy or try to hear stuff. I knew you didn't want me to be near you after our fight about that damn mark back at camp, but I still had to protect you. If something attacked you two while you were unaware, you might not have been able fight it off or even repel it with the charm in time."
Kagome's face changed as her jaw muscles tightened and a new wave of high-color rose in her cheeks. "You're right Inuyasha! I don't like it! I don't care what your reasons were, you shouldn't have been there listening! That was a private conversation! Oh, I swear, you can be such a big jerk!"
Kagome was stunned by his confession and was thinking about the full implications of it. He had heard EVERYTHING, knew exactly what had happened to her during their two years apart, even her heart's desires.
"God! I'm not ready for this. This isn't good for either of us. I have to find a way to put distance, I just can't let him in any closer. . . ."
Her grim thoughts were interrupted by a sound emerging from Inuyasha's throat–one that sounded suspiciously like a repressed laugh.
"Inuyasha! Are you laughing at me?! It's not funny!" She said, pushing him back with her hands and trying to walk away. His arms quickly encircled her waist, pulling her close again. Involuntarily, she felt herself respond to his command to stay, even though a part of her wanted to slap him.
"You have a right to be angry," he whispered in a husky tone in her ear, "but that doesn't change anything. I still heard everything you said last night Kagome. I heard it all. When you said my happiness mattered most to you, I know you meant that and I don't think I can tell you how knowing that makes me feel."
She felt her color rising again, and felt a new wave of panic set in.
"Not all secrets are wrong to keep, Inuyasha! Sometimes knowledge can cause pain and make things more difficult. Knowing what I told Sango and what I feel changes nothing!"
He stepped back and felt himself drowning in depths of her eyes. "Knowing what happened to you while I was gone changes everything," he replied, feeling his chest constrict. "I understand now what you've been through, and I know why you are tied to Michael."
"Inuyasha," she said, fresh tears starting to glisten in her eyes, "I don't know what to tell you about Michael. He–"
"You don't need to say anything else. I may not like the damn ghost, but I understand. If he hadn't have been there when you were hurt, I wouldn't be holding you now. I understand that and I accept it."
"You–you accept it?" Kagome's eyes were wide with surprise. She didn't even know what she meant by voicing the question, or how she felt about anything right now. Her own feelings didn't make sense to her. It was as if her rational, thinking mind was shutting down, leaving her stranded in a foreign country where she didn't speak the language. A jumble of her own feelings washed over her, feelings she couldn't translate or put into neat metal compartments.
"I understand you better now, Kagome," he continued. "I know why you couldn't simply choose between us. I wish you would have told me what happened yourself, but I understand that too. It's hard to speak of, isn't it?"
She looked up at him as she struggled against it to find her mind and her ability to speak. "Yes," she finally said, nodding. "I guess talking to Sango was easier. I think I needed to tell a woman," she said.
"Because you never told your mother," he added.
She bristled momentarily, still getting used to the fact that he knew so many personal details of her life. But she could hear and feel the sympathy in his voice, and knew he finally understood her. Feeling this, she couldn't hold onto her anger. She allowed herself to feel what she so desperately wanted to feel but kept pushing back–comfort from Inuyasha. Kagome closed her eyes and, taking a slow, deep breath, allowed her final barrier to him to drop. It had been nothing more than a rice paper wall she was struggling to hide behind anyway. "Yes," she admitted.
He held her for long moments in silence, stroking his hands over her soft hair and taking her very aura, her soul within the surrounding embrace of his own. When he looked at her again, she sensed nervousness in him she didn't understand now.
"Kagome," he began and stopped. She wasn't sure if she could take anything else today.
"Knowing how you feel changes other things. It can, I mean, if you want it to," he added hesitantly.
She looked at him in wary confusion. "What do you mean Inuyasha?"
"You've given me truth today even if I had to shake it out of you," he said, and his comment provoked a grudging smile from her just as he hoped it would. "Now I want to give truth back to you."
"Uhm, Inuyasha, look, we've already been gone a long time so maybe this could wait awhile, we really need to--"
"Damn it wench! Can you stop looking for a hole to jump into and let me say this?!"
Abashed by his outburst, she nodded.
"I know--" he said, and stopped, mumbling a curse under his breath as he paced a tight circle beside her.
"Why the hell is this so hard all of a sudden?"
"I KNOW," he began again, his voice louder than he meant. He saw Kagome wince, and realizing he just yelled into her ear, he stopped himself and took a breath and lowered his voice to the point it was almost a whisper as he rushed forwards-
"IknowSangotoldyouthatIwantyoutobemymate!" An unwanted blush tinted his own cheeks as he was angry for feeling embarrassed.
"Hmmph! there's no shame in it.. I know what I want and I think I've made it damn clear to everyone. Even dense Kagome can't be surprised by this after that kiss, and I know what her scent meant when I was kissing her so. . . "
His thoughts were interrupted by her soft voice. "Yes, Inuyasha, Sango explained it, but what I think is that you're confused. It's not me you want at all, its–"
"Don't say it Kagome. I want you to stop and listen to me this time," he said, making it clear he intended to not let her respond until he was done with this now.
"Something happened to me that I didn't expect—I mean, I didn't think it did at first, or it would, or maybe even that it could, but it did anyway and even though I didn't think I would want it, it happened, and now I do and couldn't stop if I wanted to anyway, and I don't."
He looked at Kagome and saw, to his chagrin, not a look of dawning realization on her face, but absolute confusion.
Aggravated, he closed his eyes and shook his head, causing gossamer strands of his hair to fall across his face. He took a steadying breath and began again. "Something happened to me and it's because of you," he said, looking into her eyes.
Kagome furrowed her brow as a strong wave of fear in her scent hit him and he took in her wide eyes. She didn't try to speak, but waited in clutched fear to hear some horrible news. The look on her face struck him as funny, but his inner voice warned him that now would not be a great time to laugh at her. Instead, he smiled, hoping to make some of the tension leave her face.
"I love you said," awed by the immediate feel of the rightness and surprising ease of finally speaking it aloud to her.
Kagome looked at him and blinked. She saw his mouth moving and part of her mind registered his words, but another part disengaged. She was spinning, out of control. Hearing the words for him she had dreamed of hearing, had wanted to hear for years, was surreal.
"Dreaming. I'm dreaming. A lucid dream. It's the drug. I knew this could happen, but it's the most bizarre sensation, everything is so vivid, so lifelike. . . I've dreamed of him saying those words to me, but I've never seen him look at me like that before, so open, so vulnerable. . . "
She focused her eyes on his mouth, "Am I going to start seeing whirling colors? A groovy, psychodelic fantasy featuring Inuyasha? That wouldn't be so bad. . . I hope nothing gross comes out of his mouth like some bug or something. His mouth is so perfect, so beautiful, and that would totally ruin the effect. . . . "
He watched her, first feeling relief, then mounting nervousness at her blankness and now aggravation.
"She doesn't seem happy, angry, or anything. Damn, it's like she's in a trance!"
"Kagome! Are you awake? Did you hear what I just said to you?"
She didn't respond, was still wide-eyed and watching his lips move. A dazed smile curled her lips as she spoke: "White."
"How is his breath always so sweet and his teeth so white and perfect when he never brushes? It must be another magical thing, like the way his haori repairs itself and stays clean. . . ."
Inuyasha sighed, realizing that wherever she was, it wasn't here. "Goddamn it woman! Snap out of it! Look at me, wench! I'm trying to tell you something important!" He shook her lightly and her eyes cleared. She looked up at him, dazed.
"Inuyasha?"
"It's about damn time! Where did your mind go, I've been trying to talk to you!"
She shook her head and slowly the fuzziness cleared from her eyes and ears. "Sorry Inuyasha. I think I was having some sort of a dream. I think I'm going to be experiencing after-effects from that pill for a few weeks."
"After effects? What does that mean?"
Kagome sighed. "It means the parts of my mind I opened up last night when I took the pill and used my powers can't just close back up. The drug is still in my system and I may have some strange dreams and zone-out sometimes until it completely wears off."
Inuyasha didn't like the sound of this. Kagome 'zoning-out' could be dangerous for her. If she was going into battle with him and the others, she needed to have her wits about her.
"Isn't there anything you can do to fight it?"
"I'll try harder not to let my mind slip. I don't want to get trapped in a flashback of the dream."
"Flashback?" he voiced the word as a question.
"Yes, like re-living part of the dream again. Drug-induced flashbacks can be just as powerful as the first hallucination."
He gave a deep sigh and grabbed her hand to feel her warmth. He couldn't think of anything to do but be extra-careful to watch her for the next few weeks until she was sure she was past the effects. Maybe Kaede had some herb that could help clear her mind from these dreams too.
"Are you with me now, or are you dreaming again?" He asked half-serious.
"Well," she smiled, "I think I've checked out of the Hotel California." He didn't know what she meant, but he seemed reassured to see her eyes focusing.
"Good," he said. "Now I'm going to tell you something again and this time, I want to know you are listening, okay?"
She nodded, letting him know that he had her full, awake attention.
"I love you Kagome" he said, calmer this time than the first. "I think I've loved you from almost the start, but I just didn't know it or want to admit it. Now I do, and I want you to be with me forever, I want you to be my mate."
"Hmm, never would have thought of a fang as a beautiful thing, but ooh, just look at it. It's so perfect, SO white. What a sexy, little fang. This is so real. I bet I could reach up and touch . . . " She reached up, and slowly, with her index finger extended-- "Beautiful," she said.
Inuyasha smirked, feeling a little bemused but more exasperated. "Kagome, what the hell are you DOING?!"
She looked up at him, blinked, and saw her hand hovering right in front of his mouth. She gasped in embarrassment and quickly brought her hand down. "NOTHING!" she answered quickly as a furious blush rose to her cheeks. "Sorry, I um. . .I think it just happened again, the zoning-out thing."
He gave a deep sigh, and looked slightly annoyed, although the thought that she found his fang "beautiful," did give him inward pleasure.
"Okay," he said, holding her firmly by the shoulders and looking her square in the eyes. "I'm going to say this quick, so you don't go to sleep before I finish: Kagome I am asking you to be my mate. I love you. I love you, Kagome. I want to you to be my mate for life, my life-mate, understand?"
She stared at him. "O My GOD! This is REAL." As the thought dawned on her, some part of her also realized that the daydreams were her mind's way of coping. She heard him say he loved her three times, but just like when Shippo was in danger, her mind hadn't wanted to accept it. Her eyes widened and she looked at him in sheer panic.
"Kagome? What is it? What's wrong? . . . . Damn it wench, did you hear what I just said?"
Her heart beat in pure fear. Though hearing these words from him was like the sweetest wine and she wanted to drink forever, A part of her recoiled in fear, seeking protection.
"I can't so this—I can't let him hurt me again. I know he wouldn't mean to, but if I listen to him, he could. I can't become that girl I was when I left. I don't know if I could survive that kind of pain again. I have to find reason and stay calm. Think Higurashi Kagome, think like a scientist and find a way to solve this problem! Find a way to make him stop!" her mind commanded her.
"Inuyasha," she said, deliberately imagining herself in a white lab coat and adjusting a pair of spectacles over her eyes, "This is what I was talking to you about earlier. It's called transference. You don't love me, you love Kikyo. It's Kikyo you want to be with not me. Your feeling this way because–"
"Because," he quickly interrupted, "I love you. I love Kagome, not Kikyo. I heard you last night, I know what you think, and you're wrong. Everything would be a hell of a lot simpler if you were right, but you're not."
"Inuyasha, listen, I don't think you know what you're feeling right now, so let's just stop talking about this and–"
"Don't you DARE tell me that! I'm not stupid Kagome!" he said, raising his voice and dropping his hands to his sides, fisting them so to draw blood from his own claws.
"I know how the hell I feel because I've been feeling it for two fucking years now! A little at a time, it's been growing stronger, and when I thought I lost you. . . ." He stopped, closed his eyes and started again. "Thinking that I might not ever get that well to work and see you again damn near killed me!
She stared at him dumbfounded. "My leaving hurt him? but after what he said, what I heard, how can this be true?. . .."
Before she could ask him anything, he began speaking again—
"I didn't want to fall in love with you, but I did. I pushed you back, yelled at you, tried to hate you first for shattering the jewel and the damn rosary, and then for anything else I could think of. I called you names like 'weak' or 'stupid girl' to try to get myself to hate you, but it never worked! You were too brave, too giving, too forgiving, and too loving to hate. The only thing I could hate was that you had a life of your own on the other side of the well and I knew you'd leave me."
"Inuyasha, I--I never knew you had any feelings for me," she said in numb amazement. Then, frowning, she added, "You wanted to HATE me?" she asked, a note of real hurt creeping into her voice.
"Kagome, will you just shut-up and let me finish please?"
He ignored the flash of annoyance in her eyes, waited to make sure she would remain quiet, and then quickly continued, "When Kikyo was brought back to life, I was already having these uncomfortable feelings about you, so I tried to move all the feelings back to her, but it didn't work. I loved her once, at least I think so, but it was nothing, not even close, to how I feel about you. But you were leaving, you were always going to leave and I knew it. I also owe Kikyo. She died and I lived, and it never should have happened that way. If Naraku hadn't tricked us fifty years ago, we probably would have had a life together, and for awhile, I was furious that I lost that chance. I would have used the jewel to become human for her, but it wouldn't have been ME. She always wanted me to change for her, to change who I was for her, to be like her, and now even to die for her. You've never asked me to change or to choose."
He stopped and looked at her, his eyes holding hers intently. Not sure he really wanted an answer, she carefully shook her head. "No Inuyasha. I don't ever want you to change who you are." There was so much more she wanted to say about who he was, how his strength came from the blending of his natures and how perfect she thought he was, but she couldn't.
Looking at her eyes mist with tears for him, he nodded briskly at her acknowledgement, and spoke again. "Kagome, I hate Naraku for what he took from Kikyo and me, but if that wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have met you. I could have tried to love Kikyo before I met you, but I couldn't after knowing you, knowing what it's like to be with you and what it's like to not be with you."
"You really think you love me?" she asked, still incredulous, a desperate part of her hoping, but another part not willing to believe it could be true.
"No Kagome, I don't think it. I FEEL it. That's how I know. Your whole problem is you think too damn much. Look, I know a lot more time passed for you. You were right, you've changed in many ways. You were always hot, but gods! It's not just your appearance, it's you. I loved you before you left, tried to push it away and I think I could have waited, but knowing you now, being with you again after being without you, damn it Kagome, I just can't hold it in any longer! I want you! I want you to be mine."
Kagome felt as if the ground were spinning beneath her as she heard his voice grow horse and ragged with emotion. Nothing, nothing, could have prepared her for Inuyasha's declaration, for the intensity of his spoken feelings.
Kagome blushed as she thought about everything he had just said. She felt like she was breathing air that was too thin, she was getting dizzy again. "Just when did you learn to say 'hot?'" she managed to ask.
He ignored her and went on: " I just didn't let myself know it until Chloe asked me. Once I told her, I knew I couldn't deny it, not from myself and not from you."
"WHAT? You told Chloe that you LOVE me?!"
"Well, yeah. She asked me. She was really pissed about you're arm."
"My arm?"
"You remember, when I hurt your arm?"
A look of recognition crossed her face.
"She was really pissed, started threatening me, and all kinds of stupid stuff. For a small bitch, she's pretty tough."
"Chloe is not a bitch, Inuyasha." Even though she was used to hearing herself referred to in that way, it still bothered her that he would use that word with someone she cared about.
He shrugged. "I meant it as a compliment. She is small, but she' strong. She lets men hurt her because she doesn't believe it, but she cares about you doesn't want to see you get hurt like she's been. That's why she asked."
Kagome remembered when Chloe asked to talk to Inuyasha alone. Hearing his story now, a fresh wave of love and gratitude swept over Kagome as she thought about her feisty friend. Kagome smiled, imagining Chloe's petite figure cornering Inuyasha. "She lets Brad get away with beating her shitless, but when she thinks I've been threatened she's willing to go to the mat with a half-demon for me!" she thought, feeling fresh tears coming to her eyes. "So Chloe really asked you that, if you loved me?"
"Yes, the nosey little bi–, wench did. I was surprised that she got in my face like she did, but when she did it, I couldn't even think of anything to say but the truth. That was the first time I said it aloud and it wasn't easy to admit. I think she knew that."
Kagome didn't answer, she just looked at him, stunned beyond belief at what she was hearing.
He hoped her silence wasn't a bad sign of how she was taking this and started talking again, nervously. "So once I said it, it became a real thought, something I knew for sure. It's real Kagome and it's not going away. I know what I feel, and damn it, I know what I want. It's you."
He looked at her, willing her eyes to meet his, but they wouldn't. She looked off, toward the river, her face looked sad. He could feel his heart beginning to sink. "Shit, she wasn't supposed to look this way," he thought.
"Inuyasha, thank you." she said, walking away from him and staring across the water, stunning him.
"Thank you Inuyasha? Thank you? What the hell does that mean?!" he bellowed behind her.
"Just what it sounds like. Thank you for the lovely words."
"Oh, I'll give her some lovely words. What the hell is she about now?" Underneath his anger was a fear he didn't want to voice. "What if this doesn't make her happy? If she really doesn't want me?"
"I just told you I love you and you act like I gave you some sort of fuckin' present! This isn't a bar of chocolate, it's my life, your life I'm trying to talk to you about!"
Kagome whirled round to face him. "Maybe it really would be better not to talk about this anymore then!" she said, stunning him.
"Why are you saying this Kagome? Why are you so angry about this?"
"I'm NOT angry Inuyasha! I'm just, I can't, Oh hell! This really complicates things! I don't want you to feel this way."
He gave a short, humorless laugh. "Sorry to inconvenience you Kagome. I do feel this way, and like I said, it's not going away. I can't make it. Can you?"
She sucked in her breath and deliberately, carefully avoided answering his question. "Two years ago--no make that four and a half WEEKS ago on this side of the well, I saw you, heard you, pledge your life to Kikyo. Can you make THAT go away?"
He expected her to bring this up, knew it had to be dealt with, but hoped it wouldn't be so soon. "No," he answered shaking his head. "I can't take back what I said. I told you, I owe her.
"I KNOW Inuyasha! How could you think I don't know that? I really, really get it, got it, years ago. I know you too, and I know you wouldn't make a promise like that unless you were going to keep it."
"Yes, I meant it when I said it, I can't deny that. There were reasons Kagome," he added looking away from her and across the water as well. "I had to promise her that."
"I know Inuyasha. I know and I accepted it, so even if you have feelings for me, what difference can it make?"
"Haven't you been listening to me?" he said, a sharp edge to his voice.
"Of course I have, but it changes nothing," she said softly, "so thank you again for the thought, but I think we should get back now." She turned to walk past him.
"It changes everything! He yelled to her back. "I was willing to die when I thought I wouldn't have much to live for after it was all over. I knew you would leave and I had to do what I could to protect you!"
She turned round, astonished. "Wait just one second. Are you trying to tell me that you promised to go to hell with her for MY SAKE?"
"Yes."
Kagome sat down on the grass, stunned. "How--" she asked quietly. "How could your dying to be with her protect me?"
He walked over and knelt down beside her, leaning in to her face. "Because if I went to hell with her she would have to give you back the part of your soul she took from you."
"She told you she would give me back that part of my soul if you died for her?" she asked, the shock of this knowledge made her voice a breathy whisper.
He gave a bare nod. "I made her promise it. Kaede and Miroku thought she would have to surrender it anyway because your soul is pure, but I made her promise."
His golden eyes looked so solemn, she couldn't stop herself from reaching up and touching his face. As her cool fingertips softly touched his cheek, he closed his eyes. "I didn't want you to leave until I gave you everything I could," he said.
Kagome felt her heart constrict with the knowledge that his decision wasn't about loving Kikyo, it was about protecting her, protecting her to the very end.
"If I had known what he did and why. . . .Oh God! All this time. I just didn't know."
"Inuyasha," she said, tears falling from her eyes as she took his hand in hers and held it. "You don't need to make any promises for me. I have a whole soul and even if I didn't, what I have, what you gave me, it would be enough."
His eyes flashed and he cocked his head. "What do you mean, your soul is whole?"
"It was made whole again when Michael brought me back."
It was Inuyasha's turn to be stunned. "What? How is that possible?"
"After I healed and began my training, I told Michael that Kikyo had taken part of my soul. I thought it might be important for him to know this since he was training me as a spirit fighter," she explained. "Michael told me that when he saved me, brought me back to life, he gave a part of his spirit to me."
Inuyasha's eyes widened and darted across her face as the color drained from his own. He bit his tongue to hold back his response.
"He—He—FUCKINGDAMNITTOHELL!" The thought that some part of Michael, ANY part of Michael had anything to do with Kagome was killing him, even as he struggled to not let her see how this news bothered him.
"The strange color of her eyes sometimes, just like his. . . This must be why it happens. How could the soul of another become part of her own? Does this connect her to him in some other way?" He didn't know exactly what this meant to him or for her, but he knew it couldn't be good. A deep, cold dread crept over his mind, chilling him in the afternoon sun.
When she saw his face was almost the color of his hair, Kagome cried out, "Inuyasha what's wrong?"
"Why did he do it, why did Michael give you a part of his soul?"
"He said he had to, that it was the only way to bring me fully back to life. Inuyasha, does this upset you?"
"How can I answer her?" Does it UPSET me? HELL YES! Am I angry about it? . . . " He closed his eyes and found the words for his response, knowing nothing he could say would be enough for either of them.
Shaking his head, he looked at her "HE upsets me Kagome, but if what he did is the reason you're here, how can I not accept it?"
Kagome let out a relieved breath. "Okay," she said, not entirely convinced,
"Inuyasha?"
"Hmm?"
"What you told me about your reasons for going with Kikyo, I don't want you to die for me." She said, trying to sound calmer than she felt.
"Don't worry, I'm not planning on it anymore. I don't want to die for you. I want to live with you. Do you think I would have asked you to be my mate if I still planned on leaving with Kikyo?"
"No," she replied, secretly rejoicing at his words, "but I know you just won't walk away from her or your promise either."
"No, I won't, but I was hoping you could help me find a way to help her."
"Me?" she said, quickly catching his eyes and dropping his hand, "How could I possibly help with Kikyo?" she asked, incredulous.
"By helping me find a way to bring her peace. I know the only thing she exists for now is hate and revenge. Kagome, it kills me to know that's all that drives her now and what keeps her eating the souls of others to stay on the earth for. It's a shitty existence. She doesn't deserve it. But if I were to die and go to hell with her right now, I couldn't help her. I can't offer her love, only my life. If I keep my promise and I go to hell with her, I'll resent her for it as much as she resents me. Hate breeds only more hate. You taught me that. Kikyo needs to find a way to let go. I have to help her. Kagome, you are so full of love, I know if there is a way, you could help me find it.
Kagome wanted to laugh out loud, a bitter, ironic laugh. The only person she could even come close hating besides Naraku Inuyasha was asking her to help. She sighed. "Inuyasha," she said, "If there is truly a way I can help Kikyo, then yes, I will, but I don't think there's anything I can do or say to help."
Inuyasha looked down and took her hand in his again. "Maybe not, but even if you can't, it doesn't change how I feel or what I want," he said, stroking his thumb across her palm. "I lost two years with you already Kagome. When you told me what you feel for me—"
"Felt."
"What?" he asked, his eyes narrowing, assessing her.
"I told you what I felt, past tense," she said tersely, looking away.
Inuyasha stood and paced away from her in a tight circle, arms folded across his chest.
"Okay, so she's not ready to admit yet, but after everything else she said and did, I'm pretty sure I know how she feels. . . it doesn't mean I can't have a little fun with her now!" A slow grin appeared on his face as he circled back round to her.
"Kagome, your heart's beating fast again." His voice was a smug whisper.
Kagome felt heat rise on her neck and deliberately changed the subject. "I'm hungry," she complained, and, as if on cue, her stomach rumbled and he smirked.
"Hmph! You wouldn't be hungry if you ate any real food."
"Don't start on my food. I don't want to fight anymore, so let's go back with the others before it gets too late to do anything today, okay?"
"Fine, wench, run away and avoid the truth, you've gotten really good at doing that."
Kagome felt her temper rise as she watched him, standing above her, calmly adjusting the hilt of his sword. His words cut her. His cool demeanor infuriated her. She bit the inside of her cheek and ground out a response through clenched teeth. "Inuyasha, are you still angry with me about the pill?"
He had meant the taunt to provoke her, hoped she might even give in and say the words, but was taken aback by the distance that he sensed growing between them again.
"It feels as if she's deliberately throwing up a wall to keep me back again. . . .Why is she doing this? I couldn't be wrong about her feelings, could I? Oh, to hell with this! I'll find a way to get her to tell me the truth now, I have to know.
"Hell yes, I'm angry! I probably will be for a long while, but that's not the problem now and you know it."
"I know it?" she said, narrowing her eyes.
"Yeah, you do. We both know you're being a coward again," he said, plopping down in a rush in the grass beside her, not looking at her.
"WHAT?"
"You heard me."
"I heard you all right, but that doesn't mean I understand idiot. What are you talking about? She said, facing him with the blast of her rising temper.
"That's it Kagome, take the bait," he thought. She watched him, and noticed the wide smirk that spread across his mouth. He didn't even try to hide it.
"WHY am I a coward?!" she asked shrilly.
"Oh, I'm sure you know. Go ahead and tell me, it won't be so bad."
"Tell you WHAT exactly?"
"How you feel about me."
"What?"
"Quit saying 'what', it makes you sound stupid."
"Inuyasha, I swear, you are such an impossible, aggravating,--"
"You're the one who made it clear that you only told me before how you FELT, so now you should tell me how you FEEL, present tense."
She was infuriated! Worst of all, worse even than his smug, all-knowing taunt, was the realization that he was right. She was being a coward, but she couldn't, wouldn't take that step. It was just too much of herself to give him.
"After all he's said today, after I've learned, don't I owe him an answer? Am I ready to tell him? Do I even want to? If I take this risk, will he break my heart again?. . . Even as she had this thought, another part of her mind answered for her: "He didn't break your heart at all. You did that all by yourself."
"Inuyasha, I can't tell you because I don't know. We've been apart for over two years and only back together for a few days. I came back with you because you reminded me I still had a job to do, a job that has to come first, before I think of anything else, and so I don't even have time to think about it, do I?"
She said this expecting to hurt him, to push him back and make him drop it, or even to start another fight. It wasn't that she deliberately wanted to provoke him, she just felt too vulnerable to give him the words and she didn't know if she could ever let her guard down enough to tell him the truth.
His quiet response didn't lessen her resolve to keep any remaining distance, it destroyed it.
Sitting beside her in the grass, Inuyasha turned towards her, the wind gently blowing strands of his spun-silk hair into her face and his breath across his cheek. "Then I'll say it again," he said, his voice quiet and steady, his eyes glowing with fathomless, intense emotion. I love you. I want you to be with me. We can work out the details along the way, on the quest. Loving you makes me stronger, gives me more of a reason than ever to defeat that bastard so I can stop fighting and just be with you. That's what I want Kagome, I just to be with you. I love you and no amount of time will ever change that."
Kagome stared at him, wide eyed and open-mouthed, trying to remember to breath in the high-altitude he sent her heart spiraling in. He sat here beside her, devastating her defenses with his beautiful words, his beautiful spirit.
Without thinking. she gave him her answer.
Throwing her arms around his neck, she tackled him, and quickly brought her mouth to his in a raging kiss. He was shocked, not expecting, never daring to hope for this. He growled deep in his chest and pulled her so close to him, feeling her breasts, her thigh pressed against him. His fangs bit lightly on her lips, causing her to give a quick moan of pleasure before breathing in and opening her mouth, fully to meet his tongue. This time there was no hesitation on her part. She took the lead. Their tongues met in a hot, sweet dance, faster and deeper, each demanding more.
Every inch of his body consumed by sudden fire, he changed the angle and pushed her gently back to the ground, not breaking the kiss once, and lay on top of her. He changed the rhythm of the kiss with every breath, slow, languid, and sensual, deep, hard, and desperate with passion. His hand moved up her side, tracing the gentle mound of her breast as she gave a little inhale of shock and pleasure.
Smelling and feeling her response was the strongest aphrodisiac. His own breath quickened as he felt himself become impossibly hard. "She's finally mine, mine and no others!" This thought gave him so much pleasure, it was all he could do not to shred her clothing and take her. He wanted her desperately, but fought for control. "Everything about this to be right for her," he thought, "No mistakes."
He grabbed her wrists from around his neck, moving her arms above her head before breaking the kiss and looking down at her. He was pressed against her in a way that made her need to pant for air. She could feel the hard fullness of him through his clothes and hers against her stomach and thigh. Just once she felt him push his hips against her ever so slightly heightening the contact with her, shooting of rockets and heat inside her. The musk of her mounting excitement made him growl in urgency. He broke away from her lips and began licking swirls on her arched neck, causing her to gasp again and again as he breathed deeply at the small of her throat, inhaling her excitement, pleasure, and mounting need. He lifted his face and she looked up at him, her large eyes glowing darker with a mixture of amazement and desire, a silent plea for another kiss, another touch.
Her heart pounded within her chest as she relinquished control to him and her own desire– a desire that was taking away her will, her breath, her very sanity.
At that moment, looking up at him, she had no sensation of anything changing, but Inuyasha watched her irises rolled from a deepest blue-violet to a startling pale and back to deep violet in a flickering instant.
He looked down at her, gave her a quick, hard, kiss and pulled back, growling.
"Kagome," he uttered in a barely human voice, "I am going to say this just once. I want you, but I don't think we're ready for this, not yet."
She blinked to try to clear the haze of passion from her eyes and look at him clearly, a mixture of curiosity and hurt on her face.
"Is it because I didn't answer your question?" she asked breathlessly.
"Oh, you answered it," he said, uttering a short laugh. He looked smug again, but was struggling to gain control of his body and voice.
"But I didn't. I didn't tell you that—"
"Kagome," he spoke gently into her ear, trying not to embarrass her or cause her to pull away, "you told me that you didn't want to feel this way with anyone except your mate, and after what just happened, you showed me how you feel."
"Oh," she said, blushing a little underneath him as she remembered her bold attack. "I still want to tell you, I—"
"Ssh! I don't want you to say it now. I want you to wait for awhile, okay?"
She could feel his gentleness, his patience, but she didn't understand why he shutting down now that she was ready to open up. She felt him stiffen and heard him take in a couple of deep breaths.
"Inuyasha, what's wrong? Why are you stopping me, stopping this?"
He didn't answer her right away, but just held her for a couple of minutes, breathing, thinking. Finally, he pulled away from her, stood and lifted her to stand beside him.
Closing his eyes, he began speaking in a low voice, his face a mask of control.
"I understand why you couldn't choose between me and Michael when I asked you to before, but now you MUST make a choice. If we do this Kagome, there'll be no taking it back. You will be mine and mine alone. Michael will no longer be your protector, I will. I want to give you everything, be everything for you, but you must be sure it's what you want."
His heart felt like it was crashing in on his chest. She stood before him, her body and her eyes begging him, and oh, he wanted to give her what her scent demanded, He wanted her completely. He felt his breath catch in his throat and tears threaten to spill from his eyes as he forced himself away from her.
"She could be mine now if I want her, and gods, do I want this woman! Still–the way she looked at Michael when he told her he loved her--I can't forget that look even if she has no memory of it. What if she loves him and just doesn't realize it yet? Can I take her if there's any chance, any at all, that she could regret this?"
"Kagome," he said as gently as he could, but it was hard not to growl. "I want you, I want you now. The only thing that's stopping me, that's stopping this, is not knowing how you feel about Michael."
Shock left her frozen and speechless. Finally, trying to formulate a coherent sentence, she asked him, "You stopped because you want to know how I feel about Michael?"
She shook her head and gave a laugh of disbelief, "Inuyasha, Michael's my friend, my good friend, but that's all. I promise you, you have no reason to be jealous."
He nodded and turned away, wanting to ask her but not sure he could look at her when she gave her answer. "How would you feel if he told you he loved you?"
"What?! That's ridiculous! He doesn't and he can't. He's not allowed to get involved with humans. He's my trainer, my protector, my—"
"I KNOW what he's done for you and what he's been to you," he said, turning around to face her. "But what if he did say it?" he asked, clenching his jaw.
"He wouldn't! Inuyasha, you don't get it. There's NOTHING to be worried about. I'm his assignment, that's all. He's an angel, and when my training is over, he'll leave."
"Okay," he said, folding his arms, "GOOD!"
His eyes covered by his hair, his mood, somber. "But if it were possible for him to stay with you and if he loved you, what would you want?"
She felt a sudden fear that what she said next would be critical, and she was afraid of saying anything that could be wrong, that could wreck things between them. She closed her eyes and mentally crossed her fingers, hoping to find the words to placate him.
"I'm sure of my feelings, Inuyasha," she said with all the love she had for him filling her voice.
"Kagome," he said, "I'm not. I'm not sure that you even know how you feel," his voice almost a growl now.
Kagome felt the hurt, the shock of his words.
"Inuyasha, how can you say this to me after, after—"
He sighed and came closer to her. "I'm not trying to hurt you, but I want, I need you to think about what you want. If we finish what we started here today, I won't ever let you go, and I damn sure won't share, do you understand? I want you to be really sure before we do something there's no taking back."
She flushed and pushed down her anger at the implication of "sharing" her with Michael, knowing that he said it because he was afraid and lashing out. "I told you I'm sure, Inuyasha," she said, biting back her own temper.
"No, "he answered, "Not sure enough. I want to wait. Don't say anything about it now. I meant what I said before. I'm giving you some time. I want you to think very, very hard about what you want, what you really feel, and I want you to imagine that Michael could stay with you, that you really had a choice and had to make it.
"Why! Why do you want me to pretend there's a choice to make? Is this some kind of a test, because you have damn well tested me enough!" she yelled, unable to control her own frustration.
"Should I tell her what Michael said to her, what he did? What if I do that and he's just playing some kind of a game? Could telling her hurt her? Hells! I just don't know how to get us past this!"
Keeping his head bent into his folded arms he gazed up without raising his head and answered her. "I'm not testing you, Kagome. I'm asking you to do this because if it were possible to be with him, then I think you could have deeper feelings for him, and you might have them already."
"So you really don't think I know how I feel? I'm surprised you could even consider being with someone so stupid!"
"Listen wench! I don't think you're stupid. I didn't know I was falling in love with you before you left, because I just didn't want to face it. I just want you to think before we take this step. I just want you to be happy about it, can you understand that?"
Once again, his love for her left her stunned, drained her of all her anger. "I'm sorry Inuyasha, I do understand what you're trying to do. I want to explain why your asking me to choose before confused me. Michael gave me back my life, the chance to fulfill my destiny, but you are my--"
"SSHH!" he whispered, grabbing her round the waist with one arm and rubbing two fingers softly against her lips. "I already told you– I don't want you to tell me what I am to you yet. I want you to be happy with your decision, Kagome. Believe me," he said, suddenly coming down to her throat and brushing his fangs against the juncture of her neck and shoulder in quick kiss, causing her to gasp, "If this happens again--if you're sure you want it, I'm not going to stop until you're mine completely."
Close by, a small bird youkai, its spirit hidden, sat high in a tree, beady, red eyes gleaming down. The foul beast sent back its report, causing the black liquid in the bowl to swirl grey, then pulse with color. A dark figure leaned forward; face hidden behind a grotesque mask. The only thing seemingly alive about the face was the eyes, gleaming black and malevolent.
"Tsk, Tsk, Tsk. So terribly romantic. It almost seems a shame to end this love so soon! The spot they've chosen is perfect, don't you agree, sweetest one?" The voice was mocking, cruel.
A female voice answered in icy flatness: "This will be the place where the end begins. This will be the love consummated in death."